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Humiliated and Angry

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Westway posted 1/3/2020 12:56 PM

Just a quick update:

I finished moving all my stuff over to my new townhouse this week and I'm expecting a few more deliveries of new furniture today, so I'm working from home. The townhouse is very nice and modern, and my younger daughter will be putting together her room this weekend. I bought her a nice bedroom set that she chose herself, which will be hers when she ventures out on her own one day. So, she will have a nice bedroom to stay in on the weekends when she is with me.

I should be elated moving out into my own place, but I'm not. I feel like I did when I left home for the first time when I was 19. Scared, confused, and very lonely.

paco2000 posted 1/3/2020 13:09 PM

I really wish you all the best, you deserve it.

Happy new year

ramius posted 1/3/2020 16:02 PM

Picture this.

A few weeks from now. The kids are gone for the evening. You are entertaining a lovely lady. A nice dinner, some fine wine. one thing leads to another...You will feel 19 all over again, but in a great way.

Marz posted 1/3/2020 16:20 PM

I should be elated moving out into my own place, but I'm not. I feel like I did when I left home for the first time when I was 19. Scared, confused, and very lonely.

It's just fear of the unknown. Pretty common.

You'll be fine

Westway posted 1/3/2020 16:26 PM

Mostly I just feel sad right now. Overwhelmingly sad. I never thought my marriage and life would implode the way it has. As I sit here I ask myself 'How did I miss all the signs? How did I blindingly trust someone?" Aren't we supposed to trust our spouses implicitly? I guess not. Not anymore.

steadychevy posted 1/3/2020 16:48 PM

One of the many very helpful things my IC asked me is if I forgave myself for the things I didn't do that I thought I should have or the things I didn't see that I thought I should have. It was very astute and helpful. (I and my IC are born again Christians.)

We have that built in love bias, trust bias that blinds us to some extent. It is much easier to look back with the woulda, shoulda, coulda, didn't than to have recognized it at the time we were fighting off the alligators. Hind sight is much clearer.

I'm not totally clear yet, Westway, but I'm getting there. Forgive yourself for loving your wife and being blinded by it. Isn't that the way it should be?

survrus posted 1/3/2020 18:24 PM

Westway,

It's a shame the people who knew never told you she had a fetish for black guys.

rugswept posted 1/3/2020 20:59 PM

God bless you Westway, as you find your way.
We can only hope your daughter finds peace in this very new home and situation. We wish you well.

Phantasmagoria posted 1/4/2020 11:39 AM

I recall how you feel when I reached this step. It will seem weird for a short while, but now you can breathe, you have a place you can retreat to without your WW suddenly appearing, heightening your senses as to what next!

From my own experience up until the point you’re at, I had been running on adrenaline and still did for some time after, but eventually that subsided and with it comes waves of tiredness, and sometimes out of the blue your emotions take a hold. Just accept all that as part of the process, embrace the emotions as part of your healing, figure out how to enjoy being alone, reconnect with hobbies you’ve perhaps given up, or new ones that interest you.

While dating might seem desirable, you’re in no emotional state to meaningfully date someone else, so you need to think about that. You’re on your way though, this was a big step on the path to healing so recognise it for what it is. 👍🏻

Dismayed2012 posted 1/6/2020 11:57 AM

Scared, confused, and very lonely eventually gives way to unburdened, focused, and exhilarated. Wishing the best for you Westway.

Westway posted 1/6/2020 14:03 PM

Scared, confused, and very lonely eventually gives way to unburdened, focused, and exhilarated. Wishing the best for you Westway.

Yes I hope so. Yesterday was hard, but I'm doing lots better today. But the WW still finds ways to throw a wrench in things.

This morning she sent me a text "I know you don't believe me, but I really am missing you and thinking about you now that you are no longer here."

WTF?

[This message edited by Westway at 2:04 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

KingofNothing posted 1/6/2020 14:14 PM

This morning she sent me a text "I know you don't believe me, but I really am missing you and thinking about you now that you are no longer here."

Totally understandable considering your time together. You are full of doubt, stress and loneliness according to your last posts. It is natural to assume she is, as well, despite what she has done to your family. I expect both of you will adjust to the new reality soon enough.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/6/2020 14:22 PM

Westway, I can relate to how you were feeling. I always thought my M would be forever. When I found out it wasn't, it was very hard for me to accept, even though I no longer wanted XWW.

You seemed to be in a good place before you moved out. I suspect you will find that place again soon. You seem to have the right mindset, focusing on the bright future you have and not focusing on what you are leaving behind.

Westway posted 1/6/2020 14:34 PM

Totally understandable considering your time together. You are full of doubt, stress and loneliness according to your last posts. It is natural to assume she is, as well, despite what she has done to your family. I expect both of you will adjust to the new reality soon enough.

She misses me because I took care of just about everything, including paying bills and bringing in the income. She's having to look for work now and she will be responsible for the bills once we divorce. She has no man around anymore to mow the lawn, clean out the gutters, fix her car, etc. None of her boy-toys will do those things, so she will have to become self-sufficient real fast.

I told her over this past weekend that I better not find out she is bringing any men over to the house. If I find out she is, I stop paying the bills...period. My daughter can come live with me full time and she can sit in a cold dark house, alone, with no water. Fuck her.

Westway, I can relate to how you were feeling. I always thought my M would be forever. When I found out it wasn't, it was very hard for me to accept, even though I no longer wanted XWW.
You seemed to be in a good place before you moved out. I suspect you will find that place again soon. You seem to have the right mindset, focusing on the bright future you have and not focusing on what you are leaving behind.

Well one thing that I have enjoyed is the peace and quiet. I work from home part of the day and now I no longer have to worry about her interrupting me twenty times an hour for silly stuff she needs. My daughter loves her new room and my older daughter is coming to visit this next weekend to see her room and maybe dress it up a bit. So I will have both my girls with me this coming weekend.

KingofNothing posted 1/6/2020 17:00 PM

None of her boy-toys will do those things, so she will have to become self-sufficient real fast.

That's a blast from the past. My ex was befuddled that I wouldn't naturally be over to be the landscaper, too. "But it's NOT MY HOUSE any more, remember?" It took a couple of tries for that to sink in.

I told her over this past weekend that I better not find out she is bringing any men over to the house. If I find out she is, I stop paying the bills...period. My daughter can come live with me full time and she can sit in a cold dark house, alone, with no water. Fuck her.

Whoah, how long are you going to pay her utilities? Until she's got an income of her own? You are way more generous than I am.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 5:02 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

Westway posted 1/6/2020 17:11 PM

KingofNothing


Whoah, how long are you going to pay her utilities? Until she's got an income of her own? You are way more generous than I am.

I have to maintain the household until the divorce is final. But even then I will pay her some spousal maintenance each month for three years, along with child support.

survrus posted 1/6/2020 18:28 PM

Westway,

Easy just tell her to explain to her former side dudes that she needs money and can they kindly repay some of the money she spent on them.

Who knows perhaps one of those dudes will try to hook up with her again especially if they find out she now has a job. She can get their cell phones turned on again or finance their career as a music producer.

survrus posted 1/6/2020 18:31 PM

Westway,

On a more serious note you have to make sure your daughters are not left alone with her boyfriends, they need to know what they are dealing with, lying cheaters, after the divorce goes through, possibly before.

RocketRaccoon posted 1/6/2020 20:00 PM

"I know you don't believe me, but I really am missing you and thinking about you now that you are no longer here."

Yup, you were her safe harbour whilst she went sailing in the dark seas....

ramius posted 1/6/2020 22:46 PM

On a more serious note you have to make sure your daughters are not left alone with her boyfriends, they need to know what they are dealing with, lying cheaters, after the divorce goes through, possibly before.

Absolutely. Especially given your WW's stellar decision making ability.

Statistics show that the presence of a non-blood related male in the home is the biggest risk factor for children to be abused or injured.

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