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Humiliated and Angry

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marriageredux959 posted 1/16/2020 19:23 PM

There is even a perverse kind of care for you in the great efforts she told to keep her two lives separate.

There is something more of the professional full time serial cheating man in her approach to her affairs.

That's interesting.

I've stayed off of this thread, and only intermittently followed it, because I don't have a lot of insight and not much to offer here. It felt voyeuristic to just hang around.

But the few times I've walked through, I came away with a strong impression that the wife here was conducting her affair, the compartmentalization of her life and even approaching you like the classic male philanderer.

Westway, I apologize for discussing your thread in the third person, but it occurs to me that part of the shock and disorientation is not only the SURPRISE! INFIDELITY! but how she went about it, how successful she was with hiding it and perpetuating it for years, because she adopted a classically male adulterer posture.

You not only found out that she was cheating, and had been cheating for years, it's almost like you discovered, at a gender role stereotypical level, that your wife, psychologically, is a dude!

Hugely disorienting.

Leaves me wondering if this is a by product of your wife being raised in a strongly patriarchal culture, deciding to take power (not to passively wait for validation, as was the old school role of the matriarch) and by golly darn, she learned well.

Trouble is, even to this day, patriarchies and matriarchies are not interchangeable and some things, for right or for wong, for good or bad, politically correct or not, do not translate in either or both directions.

My (admittedly limited) experience tells me that your wife is going to continue to conduct her new life operating in at least half patriarchy mode, and retreating to matriarchy mode if/when necessary and/or when it works best for her.

Whatever else she is, she's, talented, skilled, and as nimble as a fox.

Please don't flame me overmuch for the gender stereotypes. I see them too, and while I don't necessarily agree with them or support them, I cannot help but recognize them when they are there.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 7:26 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

survrus posted 1/16/2020 19:59 PM


You wrote, Westway. Supposedly I was the best thing that ever happened to my WW.

I think that's why they affair down, they feel they can never equal you in life, but they can have an affair with someone they feel superior to.

Does that balance the scales in the sub-conscious?

Perhaps too it's that I rarely ask for care from her like many cry baby men do. Men with lots of problems more resemble infants than most other sub-groups.

Buffer posted 1/17/2020 05:13 AM

One day at a time, signatures done, paperwork filed, accommodation sorted, D date TBA.
Most enduring is you have not faltered and maintained your values and integrity; hold your head high! Your children know what a drain on your life this event was.
Train wisely, give yourself time, when you are ready start dating, never hurts to throw the leg over after a process like this. Your floor work may help or hinder you. Haha!


steadychevy posted 1/17/2020 09:38 AM

As a t/j to survrus: That was said a few times in our marriage before the adultery and before DDay and admitted to after DDay. After DDay (pretty long after) and after separation she also said a few times that she never felt good enough for me. Well, I thought she was more than good enough but she did prove me wrong.

As far as the AP, he was below me, for sure, in most meaningful measurements and below her in a number as well. She supervised him.

You were spot on.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/17/2020 14:09 PM

Good job at ignoring her weak attempt at an apology. She was fishing for forgiveness. It was more about her than it was about apologizing to you.

I can't understand what the WS is expecting in this situation. Do they really believe that "I'm sorry" will make up for years of lies and betrayal? Are they really expecting, "no worries mate. Your still a good person. Let's be friends and go for drinks"?

Dismayed2012 posted 1/17/2020 14:22 PM

As a nod to survrus. My ex went after a cry-baby man too. He whined about his wife, about how people treated him, and about his life in general. I would've thought as old as he was, he would've grown up by then. Apparently cheaters are drawn to lifetime losers.

redwing6 posted 1/18/2020 18:43 PM


I misread the date of the initial post.

Sir, you're a gentleman, you did very well. Far better than I did when I discovered my 1st wife's serial infidelities. Well done. Good luck.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 11:07 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Stevesn posted 1/18/2020 22:57 PM

Redwing- I’m not sure what you are talking about. He signs his divorce agreement Monday.

Did you post on the wrong thread or did you not read anything but the first page of this one?

redwing6 posted 1/18/2020 23:08 PM

Redwing- I’m not sure what you are talking about. He signs his divorce agreement Monday.
Did you post on the wrong thread or did you not read anything but the first page of this one?

Nope, nothing so intelligent. Misread the date/time stamp of his initial post, and went into automode.

Westway posted 1/20/2020 13:12 PM

Well it is done. We met at my attorney's office and it took all of five minutes to sign away the marriage. She didn't look at me or say a word. Afterwards she got in her car and took off. No crying, no looks of sadness, nothing. Weird. This whole thing is like a bad David Lynch movie.

Finalization will take three to six months.

BeyondRage posted 1/20/2020 13:19 PM

What could she say ? You rejected her continuing to fuck black guys on the side and she wasn’t giving it up n

Thank heavens for you you held firm

Now regroup and you can rebuild successfully . What was your alternative ???

Marz posted 1/20/2020 13:49 PM

Correct. There’s nothing for her to say.

ramius posted 1/20/2020 15:50 PM

Maybe she had an “appointment” to get to.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/20/2020 15:54 PM

Congratulations on this huge step!

Now go out and have a great new life

Westway posted 1/20/2020 16:15 PM

Each interaction I have with her brings new facets of who she really is to light.

Absolutely amazing that a person can hide so much of who they really are for so many years.

Buster123 posted 1/20/2020 18:36 PM

Now focus on YOU and the children, keep moving on, you acted decisively and that's why I think in a short time this would seem like a bad dream to you. Good luck and I hope you stay with us to help others.

Buffer posted 1/21/2020 00:24 AM

Respect, one day at a time, move at a comfortable speed for you. Cherish DD time,
Good luck with the dating when you are up to it, play hard to get!!


Tigersrule77 posted 1/21/2020 07:05 AM

Westway, were you hoping she would cry? It seems that she has detached. probably for the best. I think the fact that she didn't acknowledge means she is still struggling. Probably afraid she would break down if she said goodbye or something like that.

Regardless, as others said, focus on yourself, which you have been doing a great job of. I'm glad things were settled quickly and don't create a burden for you.

Good luck on your future endeavors.

Westway posted 1/22/2020 08:48 AM

BJJ has been great. I'm so tired by the time I'm done at night I just ooze into bed afterwards. No problem sleeping. The pushups are brutal, but I'm glad I'm a boxer and it's not so bad for me. I already had good core and arm strength, but the physicality is totally different. I have to remind myself constantly not to punch.

The WW actually called me last night and asked what we were going to do about our taxes this year. I was gobsmacked. Hadn't even thought about that. The idea of having to work through one more thing with her just makes me ill. I want to extricate myself from this hell. I want her gone from my life, but I miss her at the same time. It's like there are two people inside me jostling for control.

The1stWife posted 1/23/2020 08:03 AM

File married but separate. Get your tax docs in order now and speak to an accountant.

Hopefully you do not have shared deductions like real estate taxes or mortgage etc.

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