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Humiliated and Angry

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recovering2018 posted 2/18/2020 13:12 PM

Westway, you've handled this really well.

My only suggestion is to just not engage in any conversation with your ex other than what is legally required. Thankfully, this is only for a few years. Clearly, nothing with her or her family is going to change.

Take care of yourself. I hope your daughters will inherit your morals, then find a healthy path forward as adults, away from the toxicity.

Marz posted 2/18/2020 13:48 PM

^^^^^ engagement just takes up headspace and gets you nothing.

KingofNothing posted 2/18/2020 14:06 PM

You know, in terms of "forgiveness", I've never forgiven my fWH. I probably won't either. What I have done is more like "writing off the debt". His infidelity is something he can never pay me back for.

I often wonder why I have come to this site after being divorced for three years. It's comments like this. Thank you chamomiletea, that sums up my present mindset exactly.

KingofNothing posted 2/18/2020 14:11 PM

She cried and said that none of this was fair to her. I came back with "well fucking other guys throughout our marriage wasn't fair to me was it?" So then she ranted about how I was never going to forgive her, blah, blah, blah. I just said "Well, you haven't asked for forgiveness, so how can it be granted?"

It's called consequences. You pull nasty shit, you get nasty consequences. You're much nicer than I was that soon after divorce. I wonder sometimes if forgiveness even matters any more. As a Catholic, I have tried to arrive at a state of forgiveness, I know it's important to me. I honestly can't say the words. Not yet. Indifference and blessed ignorance are what I aim for and they haven't failed me yet. I know I should make a stab at it someday, for the sake of my soul. It's just not going to be today.

faithfulman posted 2/18/2020 14:12 PM

Should I insult the intelligence of everyone here by telling you more?

I'm game to read more if it doesn't hurt you to repeat it.

Cheater thought process and the dumb shit they say is fascinating to me.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:14 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

redwing6 posted 2/18/2020 16:56 PM

Westway, 1986 has it right. Nuke her. But my advice would be to only send it to her oldest brother. The Consiglieri of the clan. Tell him literally, that this is what you have on her. That you only want an "amicable" separation/divorce and that it is on him to keep her in line. Give him EVERYTHING you have. I suspect that if you do this you'll have far fewer problems from her family ever again. They will look at you as if you as the long suffering husband "who has had enough" that you are. Just my 2 cent.

oldtruck posted 2/18/2020 17:53 PM

please insult us and tell us more of the crazy
things your WW said.

the truth can be stranger than fiction.

Westway posted 2/19/2020 08:32 AM

ChamomileTea

Sheesh! Talk about a real major disconnect!
You know, in terms of "forgiveness", I've never forgiven my fWH. I probably won't either. What I have done is more like "writing off the debt". His infidelity is something he can never pay me back for. There's no possible coin, no exchange, which can make up for the pain he caused me. But I did find, after awhile, that I could write it off as unclaimable. That way, I'm not standing around with my hand held out waiting for restitution which is never going to come. I wonder if something like that can work for you in divorce as a way to reach indifference with the ex.

Well that is essentially my mindset also. I'm completely writing off the marriage even though my heart is still grieving. Understand I am not as far along as you. I have not completely detached yet.

Westway posted 2/19/2020 08:40 AM

Stevesn

Forgiveness takes years, even decades and sometimes never comes.

I believe in forgiveness. I believe in redemption. I also believe it is necessary to forgive for my own health and well-being. I'm not going to carry around my anger for the rest of my life. I look at my wife with pity, not hatred, because she is a truly fucked-up human being and she has a lonely life ahead of her.

I believe in redemption because I went from being a juvenile delinquent gang member as a kid to an honest business man today. I had lots of good people in my life who never gave up on me and so I have to let my WW's crimes against me go too.

I would let her know that what she did was unforgivable and that someday you might find it in your heart to forgive her as a person if she can become someone who is forgivable, but that you will never forgive the acts that she committed.

That is the gist of most of our conversations. Most of out talks go the line of: argument- I calm her down- explain my reasoning - she calms down more - we then talk like adults -she cries -I hang up.

Westway posted 2/19/2020 08:40 AM

recovering2018

Westway, you've handled this really well.

No. No I have not. Maybe on paper I have, but emotionally I have not. I'm taking Brazilian jiujitsu four nights a week now and I barely eat. I've lost so much weight that my instructor has told me he'll stop allowing me to participate if he sees any more weight loss.

The anxiety is wearing me down. Yesterday I ate a small meal at noon and it was the only food I had eaten in three days. I cry a lot. I bawled like a baby in bed last night. I don't sleep worth a shit.

You guys only see my actions towards my WW as brave and heroic, but to do these things my soul and spirit are being eaten away. I am not a happy man, despite how well things have gone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

[This message edited by Westway at 8:45 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Phantasmagoria posted 2/19/2020 09:03 AM

Westway, Everything youíve just described is all very much part of the process. Itís grieving, itís sadness, itís normal human reaction. Try to eat though, brother!

Process those emotions, let them work their way through, focus on being the best Dad you can be because under the covers your daughters are hurting, too.

Get back in touch with the little things you enjoy, music in the home as company, a favourite food every once in a while, just little things to look forward to. The grieving will settle down and you will be okay. Youíve been running on adrenaline and eventually that has to level off, and with that comes feelings of exhaustion, That too will level off with rest. This whole process is like a rough storm at sea and it takes a long time for the waters to settle and everything to level off peacefully, everything youíre feeling is a part of that process.

HellFire posted 2/19/2020 09:07 AM

((((((Westway))))))

Westway posted 2/19/2020 09:18 AM

redwing6

Westway, 1986 has it right. Nuke her. But my advice would be to only send it to her oldest brother. The Consiglieri of the clan. Tell him literally, that this is what you have on her. That you only want an "amicable" separation/divorce and that it is on him to keep her in line. Give him EVERYTHING you have. I suspect that if you do this you'll have far fewer problems from her family ever again. They will look at you as if you as the long suffering husband "who has had enough" that you are. Just my 2 cent.

I'm mulling it over. For now, she has been acting shitty but she hasn't really done anything to alter the D agreement. She is pure emotion and drama... Jersey Shore personified. Will I ever expose everything she has done? Maybe one day if she makes a true personal attack against me. So far she has not done that. Any attack on me has just been between us, but not outward into the family or public. She knows I have dirt on her, just not how much. So she's not dissing me publicly. As long as she doesn't I will keep the dossier under wraps.

Tanner posted 2/19/2020 10:07 AM

Westway
I get you brother, our age and timelines are very close, Iíve lost a lot of weight also, I canít sleep, focus on anything, Iím very numb. You are a tough dude, I couldnít imagine also having the XW drama and D. This stuff is still so fresh itís gonna take time.

Tigersrule77 posted 2/19/2020 11:42 AM

The anxiety is wearing me down. Yesterday I ate a small meal at noon and it was the only food I had eaten in three days. I cry a lot. I bawled like a baby in bed last night. I don't sleep worth a shit.

Have you tried IC? At the least, a therapist can probably give you something to help you sleep. I did it, and it definitely helped me.

If you have any friends nearby, I would suggest you reach out to them also. It seems you need some help focusing on other things.

I wish you the best. Things will get better.

WalkingHome posted 2/19/2020 11:52 AM

There is a difference between a tactical nuke and a full thermonuclear war.


Nothing wrong with dropping a couple of tactical nukes on selected targets while still keeping sufficient stockpile to declare global war if needed...

Shockedmom posted 2/19/2020 13:20 PM

You need the jujitsu to help you regain some balance in your life. Please consider protein shakes to supplement your daily intake. Everything about infidelity is terrible and takes a huge toll on your mental and physical health. You need to take care of you.

Westway posted 2/25/2020 15:09 PM

Note to self: make sure you have proof before blow your stack and accuse your STBXW of keying your car. If not, then when you do find out who actually did the deed then you have to cap-in-hand to the STBXW and apologize. Not a good position to put yourself in you idiot.

KingofNothing posted 2/25/2020 15:29 PM

Ohhh boy. There's a story here, I bet.

Westway posted 2/25/2020 15:44 PM

Woke up Sunday morning and the side of my Audi had a nice 4' long key-scratch. I friggin lost it and called STBXWW and asked her if she did it.

I basically asked in an accusing way. She said no of course, we had a fight, then yesterday evening a cop comes by my condo and asked if my car had gotten keyed. Turns out twelve cars in my complex got keyed by some 15 year old punk out for kicks... some little delinquent asshole like I used to be at that age.

Man it sucked having to call her up and apologize.

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