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Humiliated and Angry

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DoinBettr posted 10/8/2019 15:23 PM

I have a strange feeling she is in the shame spiral WS talk about, let him get whatever he wants mode.
I bet she tries to seduce you real hard coming up, once you tell her family and real consequences sink in.
Then she will get ugly and going for the throat in divorce.
She also will realize these idiots aren't really what she wanted. They are fun for a few months, but a lifetime? She just wants that fantasy in her head when the lights are off.
Also - Check out ATG100's story. He has a thread in the divorce forum. He started over here in Just Found Out.

Jduff posted 10/8/2019 15:54 PM

And it is interesting, but after our talk last night she asked me if I wanted to go in the bedroom and fool around. Funny, I guess all that sex talk made her horny. I said no of course.

Actually, more common than you think. It is either an attempt at hysterical bonding or and attempt at putting you under a pussy coma. In your case, I think it is the latter.

BTW, as many attorney you see are as many attorneys she can't use due to conflict of interest. If you are aware of some "shark" attorneys she could hire (or her family may hire for her) that you wouldn't want to make hell for you then go consult with them ASAP and get them off her list to hire.

You have strong leverage against her now. You shouldn't wait much longer to start dealing terms and taking action to file. Give her too much time to think and she'll come up with some ideas of her own to squirm out of this, blame shift the D on to you, start spinning yarns of martial rewrite. She finds a confidant or two to bounce off ideas then you will see some bat shit crazy behavior start to happen. We generally recommend a VAR to protect against false DV charges, but given you in laws line of work you should be careful of "when" and "where" to use it.

fareast posted 10/8/2019 16:36 PM

West way:

Sorry you have to go through this, and taking the long view, not sorry. I know you are heartbroken about all of this, and the emotional trauma keeps coming. But it will get better.

Letís recap:

You have been in a normal, mostly happy M for about 21 years. Early in your M you learned from her sister that she had a preference for relationships with black males. When you confronted her about this she reassured you not to worry, that the preference was in the past, and she was totally satisfied with you.

Her family is totally averse to African-Americans and would not look kindly on her engaging sexually or otherwise with black males.

You have enjoyed a 21 year M in which you raised a family, worked, and your WW was a SAHM. Your WW seemed satisfied with her life with no complaints of a lack of sexual fulfillment over all of those years. As far as you know she was completely faithful to you until the last six months when she engaged in multiple Aís with various black males.

Upon confrontation on September 20th your WW was scared shitless you might reveal what she has done. She promised to stop seeing other men. On Sunday your WW told you, that sex with these men was ďjust sexĒ and that you were the best lover she has ever had. One day later, last night, she told you the exact opposite. That she has never been completely satisfied sexually with you, and worse, she canít promise she can control herself, and stop cheating. She silently concedes you will have to D. Inconsistent much!

So this middle-aged WW with no marketable skills or education, who currently makes a pittance at her job, has decided to give up her M of 21 years, her family, her children, and a comfortable life, to pursue random, secret hookups with black men for the next, oh say, twenty to thirty years. She can never openly date or live with anyone of her preference for fear of family backlash. She will have to spend her time hiding and pursuing random hookups away from friends and family, while living on a pittance and whatever spousal support she can get in the D.

Does this sound like the reasoning of a rationale person? Of course not. Like so many cheaters, her fantasy life will be a nightmare. Your WW is either having serious mental issues or she has the IQ of an ironing board, if she thinks she has a future with these random hookups. But that is not your problem, nor is her mental illness.

Just be happy you are getting away from her. Be the stable parent for your kids. Good luck.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 17:14 PM

So this middle-aged WW with no marketable skills or education, who currently makes a pittance at her job, has decided to give up her M of 21 years, her family, her children, and a comfortable life, to pursue random, secret hookups with black men for the next, oh say, twenty to thirty years. She can never openly date or live with anyone of her preference for fear of family backlash. She will have to spend her time hiding and pursuing random hookups away from friends and family, while living on a pittance and whatever spousal support she can get in the D.

Does this sound like the reasoning of a rationale person? Of course not. Like so many cheaters, her fantasy life will be a nightmare. Your WW is either having serious mental issues or she has the IQ of an ironing board, if she thinks she has a future with these random hookups. But that is not your problem, nor is her mental illness.

Yes she has a mental illness. It's called selfishness. And I exacerbated it by continuing her dad's work of treating her like a flawless princess and providing everything she ever wanted.

Mental illness to me means you are not in the right frame of mind to know right from wrong or reality from illusion. My WW knew damn well what she was doing. Every hookup was planned in advance with malice aforethought. She would have never gotten caught had she not slipped the hotel clerk the wrong credit card.

She knows she's a hot woman for her age (she works out daily and has the body of a 25 year old). She knows she will easily find another white rube like me to marry her and take care of her. She will keep our house (where we have lived for 15 years) her grandfather willed to her, she will get spousal support from me for a few years and she will get an inconvenient period of heat from her family that will pass eventually.

A year from now I will be just someone she used to know. I'll be a divorced cuckolded rube paying rent on an apartment somewhere.

[This message edited by Westway at 5:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Westway posted 10/8/2019 17:37 PM

Actually, more common than you think. It is either an attempt at hysterical bonding or and attempt at putting you under a pussy coma. In your case, I think it is the latter.

BTW, as many attorney you see are as many attorneys she can't use due to conflict of interest. If you are aware of some "shark" attorneys she could hire (or her family may hire for her) that you wouldn't want to make hell for you then go consult with them ASAP and get them off her list to hire.

You have strong leverage against her now. You shouldn't wait much longer to start dealing terms and taking action to file. Give her too much time to think and she'll come up with some ideas of her own to squirm out of this, blame shift the D on to you, start spinning yarns of martial rewrite. She finds a confidant or two to bounce off ideas then you will see some bat shit crazy behavior start to happen. We generally recommend a VAR to protect against false DV charges, but given you in laws line of work you should be careful of "when" and "where" to use it.

I've seen four lawyers already and I've zeroed in on the one I want

But what about alternatives like mediation or disillusion? Maybe I can use my WW's fear to work with me on a quick divorce that we set the terms on together.

This is why I am loathe to tell her family now. I would almost rather she and I do a self-filed divorce and agree to terms, because if I tell her family, then daddy and mommy will come after me with a vengeance even though I am the wronged party here. I just feel it in my gut that's what will happen. And if my father in law hires an attorney, I'm toast. He'll hire a corporate ball-breaker who eats other lawyers for lunch.

Newlifeisgreat posted 10/8/2019 18:15 PM

Iíve always found it odd that people think that the Bible says divorce is bad. If you read the Bible, Matthew nine verse eight, there is the clear exception clause. I donít wanna sound like a lawyer, but in that verse it says that divorce is bad, except for sexual immorality. I think a spouse having multiple lovers clearly falls under sexual immorality.

As for your ear about daddy hiring big time lawyer, just remind your wife about releasing all of your information to the world, including her father and your kids.

I know youíre in a lot of pain right now, but youíre doing very well for somebody just found out so recently.

Keep moving forward, and get out of this hell

Striver posted 10/8/2019 18:30 PM

Westway,

If you are headed to D, and I don't blame you for doing so, tactics change. Everything you do should be with the eventual result in mind.

So only engage the soon to be ex laws where it profits you. And your WW. You may want to use lack of exposure, tasteful exit as a bargaining chip.

Yes, if attractive, your WW will probably find some doof to marry. I see it here. Guys that got cheated on in their first marriage sign right up again. Then get cheated on early in Marriage #2 and still want to reconcile. Blows my mind. But those guys are out there, and given that your WW will not be marrying for love anyway, she can have her pick.

JS84 posted 10/8/2019 18:34 PM

Mediation might work in your case. If you can do it cheaper/quicker/easier the better. I see no reason why you can't wait to tell her family after you guys have split and why (in a general sense at least).

If you do want to go that route though you have to play nice with your wife. I usually don't recommend mediation because one or both spouses usually can't keep it together emotionally and it just winds up with their lawyers duking it out anyway. Wasted time and wasted money.

Not sure if you mentioned it yet but have you guys talked about how and when you will tell your daughter?? Also what are the chances of your daughter or your wife telling others about this?? It's in your best interest to keep this close to the chest until the divorce is finalized so it doesn't get back to your WS family. But I can understand telling your daughter at least.

TheGuy123 posted 10/8/2019 20:18 PM

Your last post was dead on!

You know the saying "kill the messenger" you will be that messenger!

If you wait on D it won't help.....do it now while the memory of her AP is still fresh in her mind.

You may not have the proof you have RIGHT NOW that will have an impact on her years from now.

You need to carry a VAR on you.....recording admission to not being faithful is gold. Granted the PI stuff is gold also.....but...

Trust your gut on the in laws!

Anyway good luck with picking the right lawyer and move fast with the D before your old lady figures out she has an edge....

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:20 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/9/2019 05:20 AM

But what about alternatives like mediation or disillusion? Maybe I can use my WW's fear to work with me on a quick divorce that we set the terms on together.

Talk to your lawyer about these alternatives. Most court systems offer these ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) services, and many others. Courts are overworked and understaffed. They are happy to help you resolve your matter amicably if you can do so.

It is still worthwhile having a lawyer in that process. At the very least, she/he can help you draft a settlement agreement that is airtight and legally enforceable. In addition, since divorce lawyers see a lot of issues that for many of us aren't even in our imagination, she/he can help you prepare for stuff that you aren't yet anticipating.

You can and should share the mob concern with your lawyer. It affects strategy decisions.

Westway posted 10/9/2019 08:47 AM

Maybe, but I pretty much doubt it. I'm also Catholic, and have experienced something similar, but not exactly, like you have. I know that consulting with my priest was helpful but also interactive. He insisted on multiple visits and that I do my "homework" (read this or that book, etc). I think I might have noticed if she had been going through the same process. She either never brought it up or felt too ashamed of it to bring it up.

I actually went and met my priest for a few minutes yesterday before I went to gym and told him I was pretty certain I would be divorcing WW. He told me he was sad to hear it, but that if I do he wants both WW and I to come in together to get counseling on the annulment procedure, because it has specific requirements and will take some time to complete. I told him I wasn't even sure I needed annulment because I would never be getting married again.

He said "Look, trust me. You're going to want a Church sanctioned annulment if you want to be able to really move on with your life." I like my priest. He's a no b.s. straight talking guy.

Westway posted 10/9/2019 08:52 AM

Talk to your lawyer about these alternatives. Most court systems offer these ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) services, and many others. Courts are overworked and understaffed. They are happy to help you resolve your matter amicably if you can do so.
It is still worthwhile having a lawyer in that process. At the very least, she/he can help you draft a settlement agreement that is airtight and legally enforceable. In addition, since divorce lawyers see a lot of issues that for many of us aren't even in our imagination, she/he can help you prepare for stuff that you aren't yet anticipating.

I stayed up late and searched the web last night and there are law firms here that do single lawyer mediation where the lawyer represents neither side. It is faster and much cheaper. I'm going to call some of these firms and see what they can offer me, then talk to WW about it.

Westway posted 10/9/2019 09:16 AM

I'm dreading the holidays.

Let me ask you all something: should I start divorce now but wait until after the new year to announce to the family that we are splitting up? I can get the ball rolling now, and I think my WW can keep it on the lowdown and fake it until after festivities and holiday drama are over.

All I have to do is talk her into it... and then hope she can keep from going out and being a total whore until I move out at the beginning of the year.

66charger posted 10/9/2019 09:43 AM

Start the process right away. Move quickly and quietly. Let's be honest there is nothing to save here. Don't even bother to wage war, just protect yourself and get out as soon as possible.

A preference is not a fetish and it rarely changes. There is no difference in her preference than if she came out as a lesbian. The only thing that really matters is that your wife is a serial cheater.

Get the annulment. You never know about tomorrow. Life gets better if you don't wallow in anger. Change your thought pattern and start looking toward a better tomorrow. It gets so much better if you prepare.

Accept it happened. Skip all those stages of grief. Pass on the humiliation and anger for the unworthy and just move on.

[This message edited by 66charger at 9:44 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 10/9/2019 09:46 AM

Why spend more time in infidelity/limbo?

The holidays are gonna suck anyway.

Butforthegrace posted 10/9/2019 09:46 AM

there are law firms here that do single lawyer mediation where the lawyer represents neither side. It is faster and much cheaper

A lawyer making claims, in an advertisement, that she/he is faster and cheaper, and you believe it? I have a bridge I'd like to sell you...

Single-payer representation has two built-in flaws. First, the lawyer cannot actually represent either the husband nor the wife. She/he must be passive. Therefore, if either of you is I overlooking an issue, or giving something up that you dont have to give up, you wont know it until it's too late.

Second, if there is any disagreement between the two of you, neither of you has an advocate nor means of resolving it. You're back to square one. Let's see. Your WW has long-repressed Jones for black men, to the point where she has cheated on you repeatedly and engaged in a lot of highly promiscuous behavior. She has a messed up family and a twisted sense of reality. Do you think there is chance of clear-headed rational agreement on all aspects of a divorce?

Don't go that route. You'll thank me for that advice.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 10/9/2019 10:06 AM

Westway, glad you've decided to divorce her cheating ass.

You wouldn't believe how many guys would try and R.

Hang in there.

Newlifeisgreat posted 10/9/2019 10:07 AM

There will always be things that could postpone the inevitable. The holidays, her birthday, kids birthdays, in laws big anniversary party, yadda, yadda, yadda.

The only good time to file for divorce once you decide to do it is immediately. Pull that bandaid off now and quickly. Donít draw out the process. It is painful enough as is.

Good luck

outofsorts posted 10/9/2019 10:24 AM

Hi Westwood,

No advice but I just want to offer my sympathy here..... For background, my husband and I are both white. My WH cheated on me for six months - about 10 times with hand jobs at "massage parlors" and had sex with a prostitute once. All of the women were Asian. He had mentioned to me once either early in our relationship or before we started dating (we were good friends for about 6 months before dating) that he was attracted to Asian women. He now denies that he has a thing for Asian women and says that he is attracted to women of all races but I think the evidence says otherwise.

This is devastating to me and makes me feel fundamentally not good enough in a way that I think would be less of a problem if all of the women had been different races or had been white but all blond or something. And being upset by this does make me feel racist which I absolutely hate.

This just feels like it is rubbing salt into the wounds and I'm sorry you are going through this as well.

Westway posted 10/9/2019 10:28 AM

This is devastating to me and makes me feel fundamentally not good enough in a way that I think would be less of a problem if all of the women had been different races or had been white but all blond or something. And being upset by this does make me feel racist which I absolutely hate.

This just feels like it is rubbing salt into the wounds and I'm sorry you are going through this as well.

Not at all. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel not so quite alone in my feelings.

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