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Humiliated and Angry

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Robert22205https posted 4/9/2020 11:34 AM

1 - From your posts your WW's family probably blames you for not giving their daughter a second chance (and most important: avoid her behavior disgracing them). Considering their twisted thinking, they can not think worse of you than they already do.

2 - The luncheon sounds like part of mom's public relations attempt designed to send/reinforce a message to the community that your WW is forgiven by the Church. Why would you participate?

3 - Finally, the only (only) reason they tolerate you at all is for access to your daughters. Therefore, family harmony benefits them (not you).

From your posts describing her family, you're dealing with people that only respect strength/power. The most powerful word in our language is 'no'.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 11:34 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/9/2020 12:42 PM

I am not catholic but I have friends who are and from what I understand have the priest over is a "pretty big thing" socially. All the church ladies know where he is going...

Since the father knows about your situation he might raise an eyebrow seeing you there, sort of holy WTF are you doing here?

Can you drop off the kids for the lunch...?

WalkingHome posted 4/9/2020 12:57 PM

The worst parts of religion are the fake pretend parts.

You own you and you are responsible for your relationship with God, not them and not the Priest.

I wouldn't step foot in that house and I would politely, but directly, tell your MIL that you are not married to WW but she is welcome to bring (name of the boyfriends by full name here) to the event.

I would also send a pointed text to WW that she not include your kids as it endangers them.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/9/2020 13:17 PM

It sounds very manipulative. STBXWW's mother made this invitation, and it somehow obligates you? She is using her family to try to guilt you into it. I'm glad you didn't allow it to work.

I think your STBXWW knows that you won't do it for her, and thought maybe for her family and your priest might be enough to persuade you.

Good job in standing up for yourself.

NoOptTo posted 4/9/2020 15:39 PM

So glad that you spoke to your priest and told him that you would not be present at MIL lunch on Sat. You are showing your inlaws your boundaries by not attending. Live in no ones shadow. You only have to answer to yourself and your daughters now.

Especially in this time of social distancing. Its important to keep our elders safe by staying away from them. Sorry your inlaws are voluntary putting themselves in danger to help save face of their daughter.

Myself being an Italian,Irish Catholic from NY, understand your apprehension of how your being viewed of your Italian inlaws. They are about saving face for the family. Even with her adulterous ways, if daddy's pockets are deep enough, an annulment is inevitable. Remember the period of the sale of indulgences. The church is about money. Yet we need to separate the faith from the people professing it.

Stick to your boundaries my friend. I would encourage your daughters not to go with all the explanations of safety but leave it up to them. If the choose to go ask them to practice social distancing.

NoOptTo posted 4/9/2020 15:39 PM

Double post

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 3:41 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]

KingofNothing posted 4/9/2020 16:04 PM

I'm an Irish Catholic from the Bronx, born into two Irish Catholic families, so yeah, I know the social pressure you're going through. Especially the niceties of the annulment process, of which we've spoken before. You are very fortunate to have private access to the priest and that he knows your story and all the sordid little details of that flawed instrument that was your wife. So on a human emotional level, he sounds like he is in your court, not your in-laws. With all that said, this kind of stress is really for a more normal set of circumstances.. We're in the middle of a pandemic here, and you know that, they know that and the priest knows that. All the normal bullshit and stress doesn't apply. You can just play the COVID caution card and avoid all of this, and nobody is going to condemn you for it. Personally, I would encourage your girls not to go, either.

Westway posted 4/9/2020 16:10 PM

My priest is a good man and he has been a huge help to me through this whole ordeal. I think he knows that my MIL is manipulative and I do think he sees through this whole charade. But he has to play his role carefully. My in-laws are big benefactors of the parish, so there is a money element to this whole deal. He's not going to provoke my in-laws.

I'm not worried about my daughters over there. They are spoiled rotten by their grandparents and are treated well. No one in the immediate family has the virus, and this is going to be a small affair. No one will miss me. I'm the black sheep, I always was. It pissed my FIL to no end when his daughter married a mick. So this whole invitation is nothing but a scam. She had the STBXWW invite me, knowing full well I wouldn't come, just so she could blast me publicly.

As for the extent of my WW's infidelities, I expect some leakage of the facts will come out during the annulment process. The pre-existing condition in our marriage would be my assertion that she was not sexually attracted to me at the time of our wedding, and that her behavior after marriage (her multiple affairs) proves that. If the tribunal wants proof, I have proof. Lots of it.

It's probably a weak argument, but it is the one I will petition for if it comes down to it. I'm hoping for just a quick summary finding without having to go through all that, but every diocese is different in the way they handle these things.

[This message edited by Westway at 4:15 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]

Buffer posted 4/9/2020 18:53 PM

Hey seriously I would go, stuff them!
Why give the opportunity to bad mouth you in front of your daughters. Be that thorn in their side. Drop a hint or two if they start giving a hard time. Nothing too bad, just a deflection. STBX would wisely come to your defence as she doesnít want too much into getting out about her history.
Black sheep?

Newlifeisgreat posted 4/9/2020 22:25 PM

If you check your calendar you will realize that you are busy that day.

Gee, what a shame your STBMil had to pick that day.

How are your daughters feeling about their mother? What is their relationship with mom like?

Phantasmagoria posted 4/9/2020 23:17 PM

I donít miss my MIL one iota...except her cooking....just sayiní.

WhatsRight posted 4/10/2020 18:05 PM

I just spent hours reading your thread. Wow. Just WOW.

There is one thing that I would like to share, that perhaps you are already quite aware of.

In some of your most recent posts on this thread, you have referred to the fact that you were initially so hurt by her, yet now you feel disgusted and other similar words.

This of course is to be expected. Iím not criticizing any of those emotions. Emotions arenít right or wrong - just the way we respond to them.

But I wanted to emphasize that the opposite of love is not hate. That these negative feelings (at least I hope, for your sake) will die away. The opposite of love is apathy/indifference.

In a previous marriage, I was beside myself with sadness and hurt and love for my ex. Then I begin to get angry and thought he was a horrible terrible person, and I hated him. But that was tearing me up a hell of a lot more than it was himÖ He couldnít have given a rats ass how I felt about him.

The day that I knew I was over him, was the day that I feltÖ Nothing. I didnít love him or miss him, and I did not hate him or wish him ill. He just simply meant nothing to my life.

I realize you will need to be associating with your wife from time to time due to your children, but I certainly hope for you that one day before too long, you will not be sad or missing her, or hating her, or being disgusted by her. I just hope you will feel nothing. She will be the mother of your children, and important for that reason only.

That is my wish for you.

Good luck!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:03 AM, April 11th (Saturday)]

Westway posted 5/1/2020 13:01 PM

An interesting thing happened this morning. I was at the store and I ran into my STBXWW. She looked like hell. She's gained lots of weight and her face is all broken out, so she must be hogging on the canollis and watching The View.

We made small talk about the girls. She was really really nervous and seemed sad. It wasn't an unpleasant interaction, just short and strange. She asked me if I knew when the divorce decree was going through and I told her I had no idea. She looked like she was going to cry.

Strangely, I was calm and didn't feel any anxiety at all. I felt like I was watching the whole transaction through a video camera. As we parted ways she had a really sad look in her eyes. I think she really knows she fucked up bad, but has no way to make it right. She knows there is no way she can ever come back from the dark side. LOL!

Really really strange. Anyways, I feel good about how I handled myself.

[This message edited by Westway at 1:02 PM, May 1st (Friday)]

Stinger posted 5/1/2020 13:10 PM

Yeah, good job. I bet many of us got similar reactions from our cheaters when things got real for them.
Really, all she cares about is the effects on her, not your trauma.
Your wife is depraved. She chases dick with no concern about the effect on anyone. Good riddance.

Robert22205https posted 5/1/2020 13:24 PM

She's feeling sad about what she lost - not about the awful pain she caused you.

JS84 posted 5/1/2020 14:12 PM

An interesting thing happened this morning. I was at the store and I ran into my STBXWW. She looked like hell. She's gained lots of weight and her face is all broken out, so she must be hogging on the canollis and watching The View.

lol thanks for the laugh of the day. And I agree she's most likely feeling sorry for herself more than anything. But she brought it on herself and now she has to live with it.

bluewater posted 5/1/2020 14:24 PM

Thanks for your post. I love a good karma story.

Anyways, I feel good about how I handled myself.

Justifiably so. Throughout this entire ordeal you have done nothing but handle yourself in a most exemplary manner. I have nothing but admiration and good wishes for you.

Newlifeisgreat posted 5/1/2020 15:14 PM

Please tell me that was not an intentional pun about ďthe dark sideĒ

Congratulations on being able to stand tall and poking yourself in the mirror

SlapNutsABingo posted 5/1/2020 15:35 PM


Do you have any plans, say after the divorce is final, to let her know that you know so much more about the cheating then she believes you do?

Shockedmom posted 5/1/2020 15:53 PM

You handled that interaction with grace. Not easy to do after what has happened which means you are healing beautifully. She isnít worth the energy anymore. That feeling of indifference is really satisfying isnít it?

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