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4 years and I never learn.

Numbanddumb111 posted 10/9/2019 22:18 PM

I recently (about 4 months ago) found text messages on my boyfriend's phone from another woman. They were sexting, talking about meeting up, sending pics back and forth, but nothing personal (not talking about being together). Then I found about 3 other numbers with similar stuff. Some of the girls he met on tinder, some he already knew. He even told one girl who asked about me that were broke up bc I was too vanilla (which is the opposite if you ask me). After this incident, I found out that he's been on MULTIPLE dating websites, escort lists, has premium pornhub accounts, had been buying nudes/ facetiming with cam girls, and flirted with so many girls via text over the course of our 4 year relationship. And I have asked him to be honest but I just keep finding out new and old stuff every so often and it drives me nuts. When confronted, he cries and tells me how sorry he is and how he never would have actually slept with anyone, but for me it's the intent that hurts. He said he saw the flirting/ sexting as the same thing as porn. Idk whether to believe that, but I do think that he has an addiction to that behavior. We aren't married but we live together, no kids. I haven't found anything suspicious in like 2 months but I'm always ready to find something. I guess I'm wondering if I should stay and see if hes serious about changing or if trying to work through it is foolish. I love him so much but it makes me so angry that he betrayed me but doesn't fully understand how much damage it did. I can't eat, or sleep anymore. It also triggered a pretty major depressive episode. I think at this point he just assumes I'll never leave bc I just keep giving him chance after chance.

Ganondorf posted 10/9/2019 22:41 PM

Most people will see what he has done as cheating, whether he had any intent to meet or nor.

He has some emotional attachment to either these women, or the rush he gets. A few members here have partner that are sex addicts and hopefully they chime in.

IMO most people probably don't "intend" for anything to happen, but constantly put themselves in situations where one thing leads to another.

If sexting is a boundary for you, that's perfectly reasonable. If he can't prevent himself from getting into those situations, which will eventually lead to something worse than sexting, I'd recommend leaving while it's easy. He's not a safe partner, you're not heavily invested in the relationship, and youre going to go through a lot of pain waiting for him to change, if he's even capable of that.

It's not your job to fix him. And it's not your fault if he remains broken. Detach and move on.

Ganondorf posted 10/9/2019 22:44 PM

Figure out why you love him and why you're giving him so many chances.

Your homework

Read not just friends and women who love too much.

Phantasmagoria posted 10/10/2019 00:06 AM

When confronted, he cries and tells me how sorry he is and how he never would have actually slept with anyone,
This is typical cheater speak and behaviour. It most certainly isnít the behaviour of a well constructed adult. Itís childlike, like youíre the mother and heís the upset little boy. As stated above, you deserve better and should expect better for yourself.

Dragonfly123 posted 10/10/2019 01:02 AM

Numb Iím so sorry youíre going through this but reconciliation with a cheater is hard. He has to totally want to change his ways and want to be a different person and Iím sorry to say when push comes to shove most JUST DONíT CHANGE.

I wouldnít believe a word he says about anything. He has shown himself to be a liar and your pain and hurt did not prevent him from doing any of his dodgy shit. The fact youíre just waiting for yet another shoe to drop is testament to that.

IMHO Iíd walk. Iíd then work on myself so I donít attract this kind of broken again. So that I can recognise the red flags.

Iím sorry but that would have to be my advise. Once marriage, children and finances, come into play it makes it far harder to walk.

Hereís a hug as you need it ((numb))

Crushed7 posted 10/10/2019 06:32 AM

I think at this point he just assumes I'll never leave bc I just keep giving him chance after chance.

While true, this isn't the full picture. He is a serial cheater and part of what comes along with that is the traits of being very skilled at controlling and manipulating others. His is lying to his potential targets to get what he wants. He is "promising" and "crying" when caught to get what he wants. He is manipulating anyone and everyone because he is self-centered and self-focused. He doesn't love anyone other than himself.

I agree with Ganondorf -- you need to see him for what he really is and then figure out why you've been conned into accepting his disrespect and emotional/psychological abuse. Doing so will help you learn, stand-up to him and prepare yourself so that you won't be taken advantage of again.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/10/2019 06:43 AM

I guess I'm wondering if I should stay and see if hes serious about changing or if trying to work through it is foolish.


It is foolish. Please, leave before you get more entangled. Why would you love someone who treats you like that? That's not love. That's unhealthy attachment. You are allowing him to abuse you.

Work on yourself. Get into IC to find out why you accept this behavior.

MamaDragon posted 10/10/2019 09:43 AM

Are you in IC?

That is the best way to find out why you won't cut him loose. He has shown you what type of man he is - believe him. Would you want your child to be in this type of relationship? hell no - you would tell them to leave.

Read up on the 180 in the healing library.

Remember, you do not deserve to be treated like this -

allusions posted 10/10/2019 10:08 AM

How do you know he hasn't actually met up with any of these women? Because he said so? I wouldn't believe him.

Multiple dating websites.

Escort sites.

Facetiming with cam girls.

Paying for porn.

4 years of this. Years.

Please see your doctor and get tested for STDs. He is unlikely to change without some intensive therapy. What is he actually doing to make changes?

SumofOne posted 10/10/2019 11:21 AM

Sounds like my story, they don't get better. The only way they might is if the cost gets too great but that means he has to lose you.

Good luck, and please consider leaving now. It won't get easier to leave later.

KaleidoscopePic posted 10/10/2019 22:18 PM

The title of the post says it all. It has been four years and it is time that you do start learning. Here's an exercise I want you to do. Take this very post that you have written, and substitute your best friend's name for every reference you make to yourself. Read this post out loud as though it all happened to your best friend in the world. If she came to you and told you that her boyfriend did all of those things, what would you tell her? Would you advise her to stay? What would you think about a guy who treated your best friend like that? If you would tell her to break up with him and that she deserves so much better than that, then why is it fine for you to stay with someone who treats you so disrespectfully. Porn is not okay. Going on dating websites is not okay, and you don't even have to ask if it is okay. In your heart, you know that it is time to kick this boy to the curb. I use that term very intentionally, because he is not a man. A real man would never treat his girlfriend like that. There is a book I urge you to get "How to Depolarize Your Jerk Magnet" by Christina Dalpiaz. You can get it on Amazon. She makes a great point. There are women who are hopelessly attracted to the bad boys: Bad: Of inferior quality Boy: immature and childish. When I read your post it sounds like you have kind of a victim mentality, like you think you are helpless in this situation and so you end up depressed and you're helpless so you keep giving him chance after chance. If your best frined told you her boyfriend did all those things to her and he'd cry his crocodile tears and she'd take him back, would you say, "By all means, keep being his victim; keep letting him use you and please keep going back to him, because you are too helpless and powerless to do anything different." Is that what you would say to your best friend? Or would you tell her she does not have to put up with that abuse (Yes, I said abuse) and disrespect and she needs to kick him to the curb? Girlfriend, you are not helpless. You have choices. You do not have to continue to be his victim while he uses you and abuses you. Respect yourself enough to move on. Please get that book. I think it will change your life.

The1stWife posted 10/11/2019 06:39 AM

You will not be able to change him. Please know that.

fooled13years posted 10/11/2019 11:42 AM

He is not a project that you can remodel and fix.

Shocked123 posted 10/13/2019 08:05 AM

Why would someone call or contact anyone from an escort service if they are not planning on meeting in person? These prostitutes have better things to do than talk to potential johns. Escort services are the next step after porn and cam girls. I would be very suspicious of this type of contact.

Not married and no children?
Cut your losses now and get on with your life. You don't need these problems. You can love someone else one day and you will be much happier.

Sorry you're living through this hell.

The1stWife posted 10/13/2019 10:21 AM

FYI. From my experience - every one and I mean every one of my friends who were cheated on by a BF or GF and married them, ended up in a marriage with continued cheating and lying.

I can count 20 of them. Most are divorced or are divorcing.

OptionedOut posted 10/14/2019 13:32 PM

Leave.

There are so many of us here that look back and see the signs. We bought the lies and the tears and the gaslighting. We believed the promises and the words and all that stuff.

Mine went to strip clubs. Said it was nothing more than entertainment and that he had no intention of being with anyone else.

Those girls he gawked at? He was just too attached to me and wanted to appear aloof.

Those ex-girlfriends he talked about? He wanted to show me he was loveable because I was above his paygrade.

Run.

Mine had a new 'friend' he met at work in another city. She kept him from being 'bored.' Just a friend! And when I pushed, he went underground. For eleven years.

Run.

He has no respect for you. He will tell you ONE truth: he wouldn't leave you for any of them. Why would he? He gets to have you and others too.

Run.

I wish I had.

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