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I need help

randagwinn posted 10/19/2019 11:38 AM

So on August 3rd, my husband who I've been with since 2001 and married to since 2004 was going to a friends party (we are both friends with charles) But didn't want me to go. He said he just wanted to "Cut Loose" I didn't question it really. I've never questioned my husband before. But that day the longer I sat in this house with our 12 & 13 year old boys and thought to myself, "He has gone months without seeing or talking to charles and now all of sudden for the past 3 weeks he's there more than he is home" the more suspicious I got. So, my mom and myself drove out there. When we get there, jake (my husband) is in nothing but his underwear. EVERYONE else has clothes on. I asked why he was in just his underwear and his reply was "I went on the water slide and didn't have anymore clothes". I kinda went crazy on him. Telling him that was disrespectful to not just me but to our marriage. Long story short on that night is he didn't come home until the next morning. HUNG OVER. He did not speak to me at all this day.
On Monday, August 5th, he sends me a text message telling me he thinks we need to separate. For over a week he wouldn't even look me in the face. This went on for the whole month of August.

On September 2nd, I found out about him and whitney J. and that charles and his current girlfriend (also named whitney F) encouraged my husband to seek this girl out. This is the same day that he says things with him and her were cut off.

On September 9th, he came home to try to work things out. Things were going fine until he would talk to charles on the phone and then I got the Angry jake back. He would say things like "There has been too much damage to fix our marriage or he doesn't know how to fix it."
He stayed home for 2 weeks and then he went back to his parents.

He's been at his parents for 2 weeks today. 2 days last week he stayed home with me. Last night he stayed home with me.

Everything seems fine some days and then he does a 180 and we're back to him wanting to separation paper work.

His facebook and instagram are linked to my email, So I'm able to see who sends him a message or who he searches for. Last week one day he searched for a girl who I've never heard of. So I looked her up on facebook and I accidentally swiped over the area that sends a friends request without even realizing it. So this girl tells my husband and now were back to square one. He thinks I'm lying to him. And he's wanting to file paper work for separation again. I'm being blamed for stuff I didn't even do so I'm deleting my facebook account.

How do we move forward in a healthy way to repair our 15 year marriage and 19 year relationship?

jake - my husband
whitney J - the other woman and also Charles's ex girlfriend who he has a child with
whitney F - charles current girlfriend.

[This message edited by randagwinn at 2:15 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 10/19/2019 11:50 AM

He cheats and them blames you for snooping? Really

Until he gets out of the wayward mindset you won't get anywhere.

I'd cut him off completely until he gets straight if that's possible.

Maybehurtforever posted 10/19/2019 11:55 AM

Oh what an awful situation. Every time I see a new post like this I feel all the shock and pain of discovery again. I know you will get good advice here and Iím not very good at any of that. It sounds like your husband got caught up in his friendís single lifestyle and has one foot in that world and one foot in his family life world with you. It is not really a wonder then that he is confused and going back and forth. My bet is that you didnít sign up for any of this and it is not acceptable to you. I believe that blaming you for things and you accepting that blame is validating his entitlement to take all the time he needs to test drive other women and the single life. I really think you need to look at yourself with some clarity and stop accepting blame. Picture this in reverse. What if you were in and out of the marriage and trying out the single life? Would he be ok with that and give you all the time and privacy you need? People here talk a lot about the ďpick me dance.Ē They explain how you canít ďniceĒ a cheater back to you. Instead all this does is allow them to continue with the security net of you being available in case they change their mind and want you back. Perhaps the 180 (discussed and explained in the healing library) would serve you better than trying to sort through his mess.

Anyway, a super big hug to you. I know how badly this hurts but I also know how much it helps to feel like you are not alone. This Saturday morning I am hurting too.

[This message edited by Maybehurtforever at 11:58 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 10/19/2019 12:01 PM

Sorry to see you here. First off, I would suggest you sit back and take a breath. You are under no obligation to move forward with him. He is cheating plain and simple and his friend(s) are enablers.
Honestly, this seems like he is trying to relive the good old days with his friends back when he was single. It's not going to get better until you put your foot down. As Marz noted, cut him off. Don't do ANYTHING for him. no cooking, laundry, cleaning....nothing. Certainly do not have sex with him. Get yourself tested for STD's.

randagwinn posted 10/19/2019 12:13 PM

He's not even living at home. He's been at his parents house for almost 3 weeks now.

cannotforgive posted 10/19/2019 12:23 PM

He is in his parents house because he has the freedom to pursue the whores without you watching him.

Does he have any mental issues? He seems to think he is a bachelor?

What message is he giving his sons at their most vulnerable age? That he can come and go as he pleases and see whom he likes while treating their mother with total disrespect.

Time to put your bitch boots on and see a lawyer. Also tell his parents that he is cheating. Do not do anything for him when he is in the house. Hard 180.

Don't agree for a separation, file divorce papers. If that does not wake him up, then nothing can.

tushnurse posted 10/19/2019 12:40 PM

Stop allowing him to come back and get what he wants from you.
He is able to do both have a wife and girlfriend. Until you put a stop to it he will continue.

Demand he stop with these friends stop with any OW or you will willingly separate. a strange thing happens when you stop being lost in the pain and start demanding more from your partner.

See an attorney find out your rights.
Do not have sex or communicate with him unless it has to do with the kids or finances.
Get tested for STDs.
Start figuring out what life without him will look like for you. He clearly has lost interest and doesnt have respect for you.
He is going to continue to abuse and treat you like this until you no longer allow it.

Cooley2here posted 10/19/2019 12:42 PM

So, Kenneth got one Whitney pregnant, passed her on to your husband and is dating a second Whitney and the foursome is having a great time? Yuk!
If your husband has abandoned his children he isnít worth spit. See a lawyer.
Take care of yourself and donít mourn for that pos.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:20 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 10/19/2019 13:36 PM

Your H is not single. Heís not in his 20s either.

He appears to be having a midlife crisis and wants to ďthinkĒ he is so cool, hot and single. Guess what? He is NOT single.

Do not allow him to return home to you. Period. Heís lying and cheating. The gal right now is to get you away from his infidelity. The less exposure you have to his lying and cheating the better.

Read up on the hard 180.

Put a separation agreement in front of him via his parents. Ask them to give it to him. Demand financially what you need, you get full custody as he has nowhere to House his children AND he has a visitation schedule with his children out of your home.

Get an attorney or mediator. Protect yourself.

And get some support for you. Counselor or therapist etc. friends. Family. People you can trust.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/19/2019 14:10 PM

I suggest you remove the names. That will make it very easy for people to identify you on here.

randagwinn posted 10/19/2019 14:15 PM

I've updated post with fake names

Buffer posted 10/19/2019 14:31 PM

Hi R,

He and Charles are pigs.

You have ebvery right to research what WH is doing, he can't make feel safe by his word alone.

You and the boys start the 180.
Hubby has no respect for the marriage or his family.
He is deflecting his issues onto you.
Charles and Wittney (both) can get stuffed, they are toxic to your marriage and need to be removed.

It is a very hard place to be where you are. Medical checks for STDs, check your finances as well seek legal advice, know your rights.

Hubby can pay child support whilst he is at his parents. He has finacial responsabilities.

Tell him he has to stop the threats now!
It is you who will decide if he can live with you and the children and R. He has an opinion only.

exspose his actions etc. He is accountable where he sticks Mr Happy! He can't blame shift.

Good Luck

randagwinn posted 10/19/2019 14:46 PM

I have been in therapy since all of this started in August. I also had myself checked for STDs, all clear!

We only know Charles because he dated my cousin (we will call her Ann). I found out a few weeks ago from not one but 2 different people that Charles has herpes and thats how Ann got them.
I let it slip to Jake last night about this.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/19/2019 15:12 PM

Oh no,

I am so sorry you have to be here with us.

Set aside some money in case you need to move your boys, and yourself away.

Go see EVERY bulldog divorce attorney, in your area, for a consultation. Then your Cheater can't be represented by them.

Say nothing to him if he speaks to you. Unless it's about your children or money.

I think there's an app called Wizard, that you can communicate through, that records the data. Keep a Voice Activated Recorder on you, at all times, in case you run into him.

Out his behavior to everyone. Affairs only thrive under rocks in the dark.

If his Fuckbuddy has a spouse, let them know too

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