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NorthernMSB posted 10/20/2019 19:18 PM

Been doing badly. Working too much and using it to not deal with my husbandís cheating and worse his inability to do the work.

Having those moments where you just want to put it all away and pretend it never happened. Yes. Rug sweeping. But I am so tired. Tired in general, scorched emotionally and just tired of the ugliness and being the one to try and resuscitate my marriage.

So, Dday#3 was 7 months ago tomorrow. I asked my husband a few days ago to just write out his side of this mess. He did. It was nothing new, still maintains after 22 years of LTA that he never had sex. He wrote he thought I was cheating because I took a very high stress job and apparently didnít pay enough attention to him. My mom spent 6 months dying an agonizing death of lung cancer in that time too so I guess I neglected him.

Anyway. I wrote something back and then things seemed fine on Friday. Then we started talking and I again just wanted him ONCE to say or admit he knew the whole time, both affairs and whatever else he has done that he KNEW he was cheating and did it anyway. He would not do it. Apparently the sleeping over, the I love yous the soulmate bullshit was not cheating because he didnít fuck her.

He conceded that making out was ďwrongĒ. Anyway. I spiralled and I never lost it but certainly went into an interrogator mode. He got so so ugly. Said things to me I cannot believe COMPLETELY rewrote our history and told me right from the beginning I was a nerdy loser who stalked him and his friends and him laughed at me. Not true. At all. And so much more. And delivered in this smirking triumphant way that was chilling.

It all culminated Iím afraid to say with him ending our marriage, me on my knees begging him to stay, and him graciously agreeing to do so if I changed. Then he went to bed and I worked all night because I have a book deadline tomorrow. I worked last night too and I finished my deadline as of 5:00 pm today. Yah me.

Thank whomever that I had A fellow SI member to talk me down on Saturday morning at 4:00 or 5:00 am.

Since this whole cheating thing went down starting with Dday#2 on Christmas Eve last year I was committed to working it out. Even blamed myself a bit. Still loved this man who I have loved for 37 years. Still looked at him and felt affection.

Since Friday something has shifted. It is like his cruelty and entitlement and downright contempt and disgust for me just drained all my remaining feelings out. I donít feel anything anymore. Nothing. No anger, no irritation or impatience, no hatred, nothing. He calls and his voice used to make me smile or frankly turn me on, now...nothing. I havenít texted or called him once since Friday, he is working on days and I work from home, I havenít even looked him in the face since Friday. I answer with minimal information if he asks something but I havenít even told him I finished my book. Nothing.

I still have to be here financially. But it is like in one deluge of hostility and nastiness all the smoke cleared and I do not love him anymore. I have no interest at all. Is this possible? Is there a last straw?

I am not even sad.

Mene posted 10/20/2019 20:06 PM

22 years of LTA and no sex?

Crushed7 posted 10/20/2019 20:11 PM

I think you've passed a major milestone and it is really good! You've seen the narcissistic, manipulative, lying, controlling person that he really is and you have reached the point where you've started to see that this isn't love. You've come to feel that this isn't your mess to fix and that he isn't the prize, but you are. And that is a great sign for you and your future.

I have no interest at all. Is this possible? Is there a last straw?

Time will tell.

It might have been the final straw. Given what you've experienced, I actually hope so. I think it would be great if you could call him on his bull$shit, no longer put up with his lies, break his manipulation/control and kick him to the curb.

It also might have been a moment of clarity and a time when you've started to see that he has and continues to abuse you. If so, you may still struggle with falling back into a pattern of trying to fix your marriage and him. However, you've hit a point where that isn't going to be so easy anymore and that's a very good thing.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 8:13 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

Charity411 posted 10/20/2019 20:13 PM

You may not realize it, but you've crossed over to the thank God it's over stage. I remember it well. It was actually a relief. Being able to stop fighting for something you will never truly grasp, or shouldn't have had to work that hard for, is a relief. I remember thinking, it may be all different, but I can start living again. I can start being me again. I can stop having every minute of every day be about someone else.

The one thing it is not is defeat. Not for a moment. There is no failure in giving everything you had to a promise you made. We cannot control what someone else does with that gift. We can only hold our head up high and remind ourselves that we have value. A loyal, ethical and true person is a valuable thing. Just because he couldn't recognize that in his selfish stupidity doesn't invalidate that wonderful thing that you are.

I think God in his wisdom gives us that numb, indifferent phase as his way of walking us to the next step. Whatever that is. We hope and pray that the pain will stop, and one day it just does. Maybe not in the way we expected it to, but it's an answer none the less. It's what you do with that answer that is important now.

NorthernMSB posted 10/20/2019 20:15 PM

Yep. No sex. She wasnít that kind of girl. could fuck me over and be in the middle of my marriage but not that kind of girl.
And in person her didnít find her attractive, first love ex, didn't age well apparently but he surely loved texting and talking to her. Over 63,000 over the years.


No sex.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 8:21 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

RedHeadTemper posted 10/20/2019 20:59 PM

When the word soulmate comes out, I barf all over the place. I'm sorry you've got a WS that is that deep in the fog. It's awful. Letting go is a good thing. I think you're Title should have an exclamation mark. Not a question. Ironically, when I decided I was done, my wife seems to be turnimg around. Made me stop and rethink. I'm back in limbo cause if it, but I have a time line set. Maybe have goals in place with proper time lines and if you don't see progression in that amount of time it means to move on. That's what I've done.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/20/2019 21:08 PM

I hope this will stick for you! This is good. This is what you need. Let it be empowering for you and not defeating.

Tallgirl posted 10/20/2019 22:03 PM


Take this time where you are in ďfeel nothingĒ land to take care of yourself. Spoil yourself. Remember how wonderful you are.

Maybe make something just for yourself to enjoy. Or visit a friend. Get some awesome coffee. Or a chocolate treat. Or go for a walk in the autumn leaves. Or wine and a nice hot bath. An extra nap or too.

Be kind to you.

And congrats on meeting your book deadline.

Congrats to getting to a place of clarity and where it doesnít hurt so badly.

Lots of hugs.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/21/2019 06:48 AM

Is this what is referred to as the plane of lethal flatness? I've never understood what that is.

realitybites posted 10/21/2019 07:23 AM

I am so so so sorry that he even remotely felt he could say these things to you. To treat his wife, someone who he has known for 37 yrs this way is the ultimate of cruelty.

It all culminated Iím afraid to say with him ending our marriage, me on my knees begging him to stay, and him graciously agreeing to do so if I changed.

This ^^^^ makes me sad for you. You are worth so much more then this, he has been cruel to you and then gets you to beg him to stay, I know that was hard for you to write and admit to, that actually took real strength to say.... use it now as your steel of armor that you will NEVER allow yourself to be put in that position ever again. Ever.

Something does finally snap in us, those that try to R with their WS, but many of us don't believe it or want to see it or may have swept things under the rug to keep the marriage.... yet just know that things are not right. But all we know is that we just cannot leave. Or won't leave.

Right now I would ride your feelings of detaching, I think it is a very good thing and will allow you to maybe SEE things with much more clarity. Don't let him talk to you or bully you or eventually try to LOVE BOMB you back into the marriage. This is abuse. It is emotional abuse. And you need to start just working on you and working on your own system of values and what you know to be right and wrong. Believe in yourself.

sisoon posted 10/21/2019 10:59 AM

Have you been together continuously since you were 13? If so, wow.

I don't think this is the POLF. I think it's the end of the roller coaster, because you know R is impossible.

Have you talked with a good D lawyer? I really think it's tie for that discussion.

DevastatedDee posted 10/21/2019 11:03 AM

I think this is your moment of clarity. It's a gift. Don't let him cloud it.

NorthernMSB posted 10/21/2019 11:07 AM


Thanks everyone who answered. I will comment later, been dealing with a crisis here. Maybe not a crisis for some but devastating for me.

My oldest son came home late last night and left the back door open. You have to slam it. All my indoor cats got out. I got two back at about 3:45 am but the last one is still missing. I saw him at 5:16 and now nothing. There is a very busy road close and he has never been outside.

I need to find him. I canít take anything else.

nekonamida posted 10/21/2019 11:10 AM

I don't think this is the POLF. I think it's the end of the roller coaster, because you know R is impossible.

I second this. POLF is what happens when you get off the roller coaster, everything is normal, but normal feels strange because you're so used to the ups and downs. It's pretty similar to getting off of a real roller coaster or after being on a boat for a while. It's like your brain hasn't fully caught up to standing still yet.

This is self preservation after trauma and abuse. It's when your feelings have been devastated so greatly that they shut down to protect you. Northern's subconscious knows that continuing to love her WS is continuing to be devastated over and over again by his cruelty so it pulled a plug on her feelings.

Northern, I hope you use this time wisely to put some much needed distance between him and you. I hope you re-visit your escape plan and start making moves. This is a gift in disguise. It's a window of time where your feelings will not paralyze you or throw you into such desperation that you beg your abuser to stay. It's a time that could be used to start separating from him.

Edit: Good luck and I hope your cat comes back. I understand all too well how devastating that is.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 11:11 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 10/21/2019 12:33 PM

I was about to come on and say I am happy that you have reached this point, because you are finally seeing what I saw from the beginning. But now I see you need prayers, and good SI MoJo, and crossed fingers to get your baby back.

Put the litter box outside if you haven't along w/ a can of tuna (or whatever smells strong that your kitty loves, if it were my Minnie it would be chocolate ice cream).

Anyway sending you MoJo for finding your kitty.


NorthernMSB posted 10/21/2019 15:37 PM

He finally came home! The cat not my WH!

I honestly don't think I could've taken one more thing going sideways. All 5 of my animals are laying all around me right now like a multicoloured furry quilt. They are probably my biggest support system here.


crazyblindsided posted 10/21/2019 17:23 PM

(((NorthernMSB))) Oh I'm so happy your kitty came home! I had something similar happen before we separated. My STBX left the door open and lost my baby. I too found mine the next day!

I honestly don't think I could've taken one more thing going sideways.

That's exactly what it was like for me. I announced my plans too soon, but all for the better as I have experience yet another D-Day.

I always wondered what 'done' feels like and it's like wanting out of the M more than you want to stay in it.

Tallgirl posted 10/21/2019 18:54 PM

Glad you have all your pets home and safe. Enjoy the cuddles.

leafields posted 10/21/2019 21:33 PM

So glad your furbaby made it home.

Have you Googled infidelity is abuse? Do you think that you've been together so long that you don't recognize the things he's done that desensitized you to what is normal? I've been going through this realization this week.

Zamboni posted 10/21/2019 23:11 PM


My STBXWH was impossibly cruel at times. No remorse, habitual lying, entitlement, etc.

I know this is so difficult but please free yourself from this before you go another round in this viscous cycle. He will suck you back in.

Go see that lawyer and keep the momentum going. This shit will never change unless you take control and leave.

Twenty-two years?? Fuck him.

Hugs to you. (( ))

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