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My Story

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FreshlyScarred posted 10/21/2019 16:19 PM

I'm so happy to have found this site and all of you. This is exactly what I'm looking for right now. I'd like to share my story and hear any insights you have on how best to deal with my situation. I am a M, 44 and the BS. My wife is 37 and the WS. We have two children that are 6 and 4 years old.

In June of this year I went to a concert with a friend. He had an extra ticket and I was free as my wife and kids happened to be away at her parents house. They live about 4 hours away. The artist was Jason Isbell and he has a beautiful song that he wrote for his wife (who's also a musician) about overcoming his addiction to heroin. If you're curious it's called If We Were Vampires. Anyway, I sent this song to my wife via text and told her if she ever thought that I didn't love her, she should play this song as a reminder. Her reply was that she felt like we had grown apart. This was news to me. When she returned from the trip we had a conversation where she told me that I didn't pay her enough compliments. That I don't touch her enough. That we don't have sex often enough.

This is a great time to point out that at the beginning of the year, she left her full-time job to focus fully on a side hustle she had. Her job was six figures, but very demanding and had worn her down. The side hustle was a big question mark, but it was the confluence of her talents and passion, so I said go for it. If it doesn't work, you can always get another full time job or go back to your company (they loved her). In that effort I also helped her get things started. I showed her how to put together cash flow sheets, projection sheets, schedule management, I brought her people to help. One girl was laid off from my company. Another was the wife of a former co-worker. Then there was a current co-worker. All to help out in a freelance way to fill in the gaps of her talents and take on some of the work to meet deadlines and free up her time to continue to make the company grow.

I also helped by watching the kids whenever she needed. Evenings, weekends, you name it. And it wasn't just watching the kids, it was cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundy, yardwork, etc. I got this, go chase your dream.

So to recap, I work full-time, we have two young children and my wife was trying to start a business. Amidst all of that, she pointed out how I was failing as a husband and completely dismissed all of the effort being put in by me.

Jumping ahead to July, things started to get werid. We went to dinner at a friends restaurant and she was hitting on the female hostess. In the car ride on the way home I asked what that was about and eventually the conversation turned to a point where I asked her if she wanted to sleep with other people?
Her answer surprised me "I think about it sometimes". After this we had increasing conversations about the state of our relationship and she continued to tell me that she knew I wanted reassurances that she was committed to the marriage, but that she just couldn't give that to me right now.

On September 1 she returned from another trip to her parents house. She asked that we chat after we put the kids to bed. And proceeded to tell me that she'd been having an affair for the last 6 weeks with someone she met through her new business.

Since then, things have gotten progressively worse. We still live in the same house together, though I'm working on figuring out how to get out. She refuses to leave. She's informed me that I will be served with papers on Wednesday of this week. She hasn't stopped seeing him. She blames me and my lack of "intimacy" for all of it. And to a certain degree, she might be right.

One final note, my wife is the type of person that is very high anxiety. She manages her anxiety by trying to control everything. She's always six steps ahead of you. Because the anxiety drives her to be. And I'd become accustomed to it. I stopped trying to compete with it. I stopped trying to manage it. It wasn't my problem to deal with, it was and is hers. The times that she approached me about paying her compliments, I told her that it was never enough. There were never enough compliments, she didn't believe you when you said them anyway, and there was never enough I could do for her. At some point it went from appreciated behavior to expected behavior. And no one appreciates what they expect.

It's all so new. And I struggle with what to do from here. Most of me wants to leave. I feel better right now when she's not around. But I'd be lying if I told you that there's a part of me that wants to see if we could take the negative and use it as a positive. To learn from the errors of our ways and take things in a new direction. All she can currently recall are all the things that were wrong with the marriage, but I still recall when times were good. I know I made mistakes. I know I took things for granted as well. But that doesn't have to mean it's the end. Or does it?

Thanks in advance for all of your support. This is an awesome community that I've been reading for a while and am glad I finally decided to get involved with.


fareast posted 10/21/2019 16:42 PM

Really sorry you are here. I hate these stories when they involve young children. It sounds like this is an exit A for your WW and she has been planning this for a while. As you say, she is always six steps ahead. Be there for your children as a stable presence. Nothing you did or didnít do in the M caused her to cheat. Her reasons are just the same old common bullshit rationalizations for having low morals that are heard from cheaters. She is jus5 your average, everyday cheater. She cheated because she wanted to. Period.

Get tested for STDís ASAP. See an attorney and learn your rights. If it were me I would file for D. Read in the healing library and implement the 180 and detach from her. Most importantly stop doing things for her and interacting with her. She doesnít appreciate your efforts anyway. It will help you gain some space. Expose her A to family and friends, and get IRL support. Good luck.

Buster123 posted 10/21/2019 16:43 PM

Listen I'm sorry that you're here but at this point you have NOTHING to work with, she's even file for D and will have you served, so lawyer up and get tested for STDs, EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends, do not leave the house, it could be seen as "abandonement", again consult a pitbull D lawyer yesterday, it sounds that indeed she's been planning this for months and is going to go for the jugular, prepare for battle, you're at war and your WW is the enemy. Keep posting, this is a crucial moment, I know it hurts but you need to protect yourself and your kids, they need a stable parent and at this moment you're the only one left.

Shockedmom posted 10/21/2019 16:45 PM

Please know her decision to cheat has nothing to do with you.

You need to go see a few attorneys ASAP. Find out your rights and your financial situation. She may file for exclusive use of the home and you will be out. She has rewritten the marital history to justify her terrible choices.

Find a therapist to help you deal with the trauma.

[This message edited by Shockedmom at 1:33 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 10/21/2019 16:45 PM

Cheater script. You have to be the bad guy to justify her actions.

Sounds like this was planned out by her. Since you can't make her do a thing I'd go into a hard 180 and let her go.

Cut off as much contact and engagement as you can.

Trying to hang on here will just put you in a worse position if that's possible.

babypuke posted 10/21/2019 16:48 PM

Most of me wants to leave. I feel better right now when she's not around.

Being married to such a controlling wife who also cheats on you and blames you for things that are not true only to make herself feel better is NOT something that makes you feel happy in life, if you want happiness and respect and a life without drama and stress then it indeed is a good thing to do the 180 (see healing library) and plan your exit.

It may be the case that she, given that your wife is a control freak, will end her A if she is served with the D-papers, but you should control your own life and choose yourself what is best for you.

Continue to read here on JFO, to learn about how to deal with things from the other posts and advice given, this forum is a knowledge vault.

For now, I recommend you to stay safe (e.g., stay calm, no sex with her, carry VAR with you, etc.) and to find out more and plan your exit, maybe counseling can also help you?

Should you want to try and fix things with her, then please know that you should apply strategy and that she is not your friend but acts out of self-interest and self-preservation. If you want to break the affair, exposure and consequences generally help.

Strength, it is tough, but you are not alone, SI is here for you, strength!

Edited: Typo

[This message edited by babypuke at 5:04 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

FreshlyScarred posted 10/21/2019 17:11 PM

Thanks again everyone.

Just an example of how things have gotten worse since finding out - last weekend she took the kids back to her parents. Turns out that her AP's dad lives nearby. So she thought it would be a good idea if they took the kids (he has 2, we have 2) to the indoor water park and had a playdate. I found out by FaceTiming with the kids. They said gramma and granpa didn't go with them, but they played with Patrick and Kate. My mom had to bring me a xanax I was so angry. I told her that's borderline child abuse and if she does it again, the courts will make a determination about her fitness as a mother.

faithfulman posted 10/21/2019 17:40 PM

Your wife is cold and she has a nasty streak.

Is Mr. guy married?

If he is, you should tell his wife, then he will dump your wife in a flash.

But, and it is easy for me to say, don't take her back as her plan B, let her earn her own way as a 37 year-old single mom and see how that goes.

Fishin4happyness posted 10/21/2019 17:49 PM

"I know I made mistakes. I know I took things for granted as well. But that doesn't have to mean it's the end. Or does it?"

Those reasons have nothing to do with it being the end. It's the fact she's in love with and screwing another man with no intention of stopping that means it's the end. Sorry, but time to move on.

FreshlyScarred posted 10/21/2019 18:05 PM

faithfulman you are absolutely correct. She is cold. Interestingly enough, he's divorced because - wait for it - his wife cheated on him.

seekers posted 10/21/2019 19:04 PM

So she thought it would be a good idea if they took the kids (he has 2, we have 2) to the indoor water park and had a playdate.

You mentioned control.She cant have the kids see ap and her together as they really are - cheating cheaters.So this fun trip was her way of instigating so they are both seen in a positive light by the kids. Given what you said about being her bring steps ahead, please protect yourself with a var whenever your together. Please don't take the bs blame she spews, she is 100% owner of the cheating. She's playing the justification game in her head.

Plumber posted 10/21/2019 19:06 PM

As an aside,is it possible she quit her high paying job early this year to enhance alimony calculations?
If she as forward looking as you suggest, she is almost certainly already checked out of the marriage and will be a handful during the divorce. This is already hard ball for her.
Good luck, I think you're going to need it.

OrdinaryDude posted 10/21/2019 20:13 PM

Lawyer, NOW!

20yrsagoBS posted 10/21/2019 20:50 PM

Please consult an attorney, like now

She would have cheated no matter who she married. This is something wrong in HER, not you!

Please follow the advice listed here.

Read here, a lot of resources to help you navigate through this crap.

And do not commit to any decision about the future of your relationship with her for at least 6 months

Mr. Kite posted 10/21/2019 22:10 PM

She blames me and my lack of "intimacy" for all of it. And to a certain degree, she might be right. Hell no. As others have already mentioned, this is has nothing to do with you but with her own brokenness.

A normal human being with a functioning conscience will either work things out with their spouse or file for a divorce, not jump in the sack with the next available person.

LostWillow posted 10/22/2019 05:03 AM

Consult an attorney and DON"T leave the house.

Find out if she can leave.

Find the truth about AP, is he really divorced?

LostWillow posted 10/22/2019 05:04 AM

Consult an attorney and DON"T leave the house.

Find out if she can leave.

Find the truth about AP, is he really divorced?

Butforthegrace posted 10/22/2019 05:21 AM

This forum is how to help you survive infidelity. It is NOT about how to "nice" a remorseless cheating wife back to a functional marriage. There is no effective way to do this. In fact, if you try, experience here is that it will drive her further away. Either she wants to be married to you, or not. She has clearly communicated to you that she does not. Your path out of infidelity is therefore limited to divorce.

Her hanging out with other social friends, whether it is the AP or others, with your kids, that is NOT child abuse. You are distracting yourself by thinking these things.

You need to look your issue squarely in the face, hire a bulldog lawyer who will get you the best divorce result you can, and move on.

fooled13years posted 10/22/2019 07:35 AM


I stopped trying to manage it. It wasn't my problem to deal with, it was and is hers

This does not pertain only to her anxiety but also to what she thought was lacking in the marriage.
She's always six steps ahead of you

Based on this statement it would appear as though she had the A planed long before it happened.

You were in a competition and didn't even know it.

She blames me and my lack of "intimacy" for all of it

She is rewriting your marital history so that she can convince herself, and anyone else who will listen, that she is not the bad person in this situation.

The1stWife posted 10/22/2019 07:47 AM

Iím sorry you are here on SI but you Will survive this. We all do. Unfortunately the trauma you are experiencing as the result of infidelity will take some time before you start to heal.

Your wife and the other manís children having some type of play date is her way of preparing for an exit of your marriage and seeing if this new relationship has merit. I understand your outrage at this behavior and Iím not sure if you have any way of being able to stop this in the future.

Based on her actions it is time for you to retain an attorney to represent you. At this time I believe a parenting plan and custody issues need to be immediately addressed.

Please Continue to post here so we can provide you with support and good advice.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:47 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

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