SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Within the world of infidelity, I’ve noticed that women, who are betrayed spouses, appear to have a more difficult set of circumstances than do most men.

The issue I am talking about is financial.

So many of the women on SI have suggested their options are more limited than those of their WH. I don’t mean to come across as sexist; some women are financially blessed in their careers; while others are not. This seems to be especially true of SAHMs.

Some cultures have the groom pay a bride price to the parents of the bride others have a dowry system where the bride’s family transfer wealth to the groom’s family. In both cases the money is ostensibly for the bride.

In the even of infidelity, the bride can get away from her WS and start a new life using the money paid as a bride price or dowry,

I am wondering how many female victims of infidelity could benefit from a system that assures them the ability to survive a divorce or separation from their WH…

Maybe I am only imagining that the financial problem exists, but it seems real to me.

Am I wrong ladies? What’s your story?

Too many times, the woman is the SAHP. I'm guessing that that decision was made mutually for the benefit of the family. Also, too often, in divorce, the man only grudgingly pays child support and/or spousal support. I saw a show recently where a divorced dad was suing his ex wife for less than $1000 in CS because he was only required to pay until the kids turned 18 and his daughter was a high school senior at 18. I was disgusted.

Wait, hit return too soon.

SAHP are often left to scramble to get a career back on track at an age where hiring older workers is uncommon.

SAHP are terribly hurt in those cases. In my view, marriage is a contract and someone who violates it should be heavily penalized.

[This message edited by Lionne at 4:55 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Lionne:

I see your point. The system is messed up. But my intent with this post we to look at the immediate needs for the female during a divorce or separation.

You are certainly right about the job market. I think good jobs are more difficult to find after forty.

I am a fortunate one. My H and I are reconciling, but if divorce ever comes in the picture, I am set. We don't have children and we both have good jobs and we live a very comfortable life.

Yes I could not live in the home we share and would have to sell it, (I would anyway,, it's too big for one person) but I could easily buy another one that would be just as nice, just not as big. We also have very little debt and have done a good job with our finances and investments. We would split and go our separate ways.

I do feel for those BS's that would struggle because of their spouses infidelity. It's sad they would suffer as a result and because of no fault of their own. This is where I wished all states had some kind of "law" that could punish the wayward for committing adultry. I think some already do, but in my opinion, it should be a crime.

I’m in the minority. I make a lot more than my XWH. I am happy that I was able to leave and know I could support myself without issue. The problem was sort of the opposite though. My state is 50/50. I was cheated on multiple times, physically and sexually abused (both with police documentation) and still got to hand over half my retirement and other assets. I feel like he was able to victimize me one last time.

Still, I always had the means to leave him and that is priceless. I am grateful, I know others can be literally stuck. I may have lost some financial security but I would rather have faced that then not having the option to leave.

Earner betrayed spouse here..

I was the main breadwinner, often the sole breadwinner in our marriage..

I have a good education and very marketable skills..I retired due to health ( mobility ) issues related to back injury..I have chronic severe pain, it affects me if I stand on my feet or sit for long lengths of time .. I can no longer squat without help to get back up out of said squat..I am only 63 years old..

So I didn’t renew my RN license in this renewal cycle, I RETIRED it..Because I have not worked in 6 years, I would have to take a refresher course to make my license current again, before getting myself back into the job market..I do NOT want put myself back into hospital / trauma nursing..

As a nurse, I earned $45 dollars per hour, just under 70, 000 a year... I invested small amounts of my salary into 401 K but could not afford to invest substantial or maximal amounts over the years...

With expenses in raising a family, with my WS not pulling his weight financially, I did the best I could in setting aside money for 401 K....I didn’t bitch and complain to him about this situation very often, because I provided us a comfortable life.. He wasn’t very good about keeping up with home maintenance, but did just enough to keep me quiet..

Because of this, I have just shy of $160,000 saved..I have my pension and social security which amount to 2500 a month..I do not have any debt of any kind..

My WH did not contribute to a savings or retirement, has not earned a pension other than what he earned for social security..He is often unemployed, when he draws unemployment , the amount almost equals my monthly income..He has credit card debt to the tune of 5 or 6 K..

So, in a divorce, division of assets, ( community property state) this savvy, responsible, highly educated breadwinner betrayed spouse would be screwed if she had to give up part of her 401 K or monthly income to my WS who is still employable with very recent work history...I would be screwed, screwed..

Starting over with 1/2 of monthly income and savings that I spent 3 decades earning would plummet me into a chaotic very meager retirement full of financial hardship..The only jobs I can physically carry out at this point in time are those that require light duty only..

I am working on beefing up my circle of friends, I have no family who would be willing or able to help me..This is what one goes thru in a divorce , if he or she has lived a modest middle class life while helping the kids get thru college..

A divorce, for whatever reason, is financially catastrophic for a middle class worker, especially one who is nearing or at retirement age..

Infidelity should make null and void any rights of entitlement for the WS to pensions and savings that the betrayed spouse earned in his or her married lifetime ...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:32 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

I was a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. When he disclosed, I had been at my job for just a year. Although it paid well enough, it wasn't enough for me to live comfortably. No way I could pay a mortgage.

I can't deny that finances were a big part of my decision to try and R. Not just for me, but for my children. I especially want to deny the OW as much as I possibly can for child support. My family comes first you skank. Some may think that it wasn't the child's fault and shouldn't be penalized but hell, it wasn't my fault or my kids fault either, in my mind, we come first. She knew she was going to have to raise it on her own and be financially responsible for it, I'm not going to cry over her decision to keep it.

Still, in my forties, almost 50, finding a good job with such a spotty work record (military spouse, we moved around a lot) doesn't look so good. And, I had to quite my job because we moved across the country. Not gonna' lie, the thought that he made that proposal (we had been thinking of making the move for a few years) so that I would have to quite my job and be financially dependent on him again did cross my mind, a lot. However, I have more resources here than I did in the other state, so jokes on him if I decide to leave!

This kind of thing seems to work against a woman who has spent her best years taking care of a home and a family! Fucking men and their mid life crisis! Spare me! Oops, too late...

There are numerous studies that show that women as a group suffer greater financial losses than men after a divorce. They are more likely to lose home ownership or end up in poverty.

I really hate the spousal support overhauls that many states are adopting. I have had the same job for over a decade. Limiting my maintenance to just a fraction of the length of the marriage isn’t going to suddenly motivate me to earn more. I am in this field because of the flexibility it allows for parenting. And I made that decision knowing I had my husband’s income to rely on. It’s not like he didn’t benefit from me being able to pick up the kids evenings he had to work late and thus get promotions. It’s all such bullshit.

SAHP are terribly hurt in those cases. In my view, marriage is a contract and someone who violates it should be heavily penalized.

********

Yep. I stayed the first time because I had 2 toddlers and no earning power, and I knew he would disappear into the Army life and they would never see him, and he would never see them struggle. I wanted them to have a decent life, so badly, I swallowed my pride and stayed.

And we made a good life, but he had a mid life crisis and the hookers were just too tempting. Now I’m 45, no career, followed him around all this time for his and made his life easier. So, he fucked up, I’m not suffering for him. Half the pension, half the retirement, and spousal support (I’m going for permanent since we were married 22 years). His earning power is in the six figures, mine is non existent because I was the one who gave that up for the marriage. He will be just fine, but I’m playing hardball and I will be too.

I am done being screwed by that low life cheating Asshat.

I think financial disparity gives anyone more power, WS or BS.

But it doesn’t always work the way you think it might. For example, when I assessed divorce options after DDay, meeting with my attorney was a sobering experience once he explained how much I’d have to pay in alimony plus child support not to mention splitting all assets and retirement accounts in half. Even though my WW was a SAHM, I don’t think I had more power. Quite the opposite actually...

Another breadwinner. Betrayed.

I would have to pay my husband child support and alimony. About 15% of my net income. That's if he worked full time. If he stays working part time, then I'm assuming it would be more.

If he works full time, then, I have to start paying half of childcare, which would be another 13K a year or so. That's another 25% of my net.

After child support, alimony, and child care costs, I would be left with a bit over 2K a month. My mortgage is 900 a month. I have no idea how to make 1.2 K a month stretch to cover the rest of the bills, car needs, braces and activities for three kids, etc.

Plus, we are community property state. Which means he gets half of my pension, my 403b, etc.

If I didn't have the kids and I didn't live in a community property state, I'd be able to divorce quite easily.

Women in general are financially disadvantaged compared to men in our culture here in the US. This is true in every socioeconomic and professional strata.

The thing that surprises me here is how many threads there are involving WW's who have been lifelong SAHMs.

Maybe I am only imagining that the financial problem exists, but it seems real to me.

You're imagining things. Boxing at straw men. The marital dissolution laws are set up mainly around the idea that, if possible, neither spouse should become dependent on public assistance, nor should the kids. They are also set up roughly around the notion of the marriage you create is a template for the divorce you are awarded. If the wife is a SAHM, then after D she can remain a SAHM regardless whether she is the BW or the WW.

No matter who cheats, or even if there is no cheating, both spouses in households with lower overall gross income are heavily disadvantaged by divorce, because their combined assets are often not sufficient to support two parallel households, which is the practical result of most divorces.

Yes. I think it contributed to HIS sense of security that I would stay. I really think he never considered I'd ever leave. D and separation were never on the cards and never on his radar. He had this financial power whether he knew it or not.

To me it has been a real wake up call. We were so comfortable in how we were living that I had never considered my future without him woud ever be the result of him being unfaithful. If we were to D I would be stuck. I am the SAHP with a small freelance business that in no way could support the family but was mainly to keep my hand in my industry and not lose touch completely. We were lucky his wage could support us both (or so I thought) and I didnt have to stress about whether Icould support myself. I was contributing in other ways. And it was never a problem. Until DDay. Then I started to question every choice I made.

Come DDay and I set on a massive midlife reassessment and quite honestly my self esteem plummeted. I really questioned my worth. It suddenly made me feel useless in EVERY way, not just as a wife but as a functioning member of society, I started to question everything about my life. Who would hire me? Frumpy, middle aged and out of the full time workforce for 15 years. I havent had to apply for a job in over 20 years (I get most of my work through existig clients). I am trying really hard to own my choices and feel positive that I made the right choice for me to raise my girls, but I have moments where I feel bitter that it's been MY career that has been sacrificed for the family. A career I fought so hard to succeed in. Bitter that it's been my super, my earning potential etc that has suffered. To me it made the affair even more disrespectful (is that even possible?) because it devalued ALL my choices for the last 20 years that had been for us as a family unit. Honestly I would really struggle if we were to D (even though I am entitled to half our assets including Super). I am sure I'd eventually get back on my feet but I am painfully aware of my demographic and the struggles faced.

I have spent this year studying and retraining. I can't predict the future. If he was to have another A I would not want to stay with him. The fact that that's even a potential reality shocks me still. I would have to be able to stand on my own without financial stress being added to the hideous package that is indifelity.

If I didn;t have the children it would be much easier to take my cut of the house and run (should I ever choose to)

Having said all that we are reconciling. Not because of finances. Because I love him. *sigh* But yes. finances is now something I view very differently to before DDay,

Infidelity sure messes with your reality in many ways.

But it doesn’t always work the way you think it might. For example, when I assessed divorce options after DDay, meeting with my attorney was a sobering experience once he explained how much I’d have to pay in alimony plus child support not to mention splitting all assets and retirement accounts in half. Even though my WW was a SAHM, I don’t think I had more power. Quite the opposite actually...

Yep. I personally know three BH in the last year that have been hit with this same reality. Their wives cheated, and will get cash and prizes if the guys walk. Hell the WW’s could decide to leave for no reason (no fault) and reap the rewards. The BH can then pay out while their newly free ex’s date.

I wonder how much this plays into the decision to R or D.

I felt hogtied after dday. I’m a sahm and wh is where he is professionally as an entrepreneur because I was home. He came and went as he pleased, I raised the children (comfortably) alone a lot of the time. It was a very lonely marriage, he was always chasing after the golden egg, that one opportunity, etc. Lord knows if anyone had the time to cheat it was me.

We were in another country when the a happened and the lawyer I saw warned me not to leave with the kids, that I would be in big trouble. It was agony, I wanted to go home so badly. We are reconciling, it’s been 5 years but I’ve learned that as a sahm I have more self esteem than my insecure big shot wh who went to the dark side the one time his professional ego took a huge hit.

My dear friend is 57 and was left by her “successful” husband. He refuses to pay her anything (he’s sociopathic and led a secret life, we were all clueless). If she were not supported by her wealthy family, she’d be on the street. She hasn’t worked in years and it would be hard to start over professionally after 30 years.

I also can’t believe the mow thought she was going to have access to the lifestyle we had built for 20 years. We have 3 kids, she has 4 and she was the breadwinner (and our employee). Like everything else in the affair, she was terribly short sighted and dense. My wh was not going to be her source of extra money, she’d have to support her bh. Who had been her brother in law, so he’s an idiot too. When I asked wh about all this, it was clear he hadn’t thought past the end of his dick. “Why would I blend families? Are you insane? I don’t want our kids under the same roof as her and her kids.” Smh. I’m guessing the bj speed dial would have stopped had he told her that.

Bottom line - I was fucked if I had left 5 years ago and had it confirmed by my lawyer.

Yep. I personally know three BH in the last year that have been hit with this same reality. Their wives cheated, and will get cash and prizes if the guys walk.

It has been said here many times that divorce is so expensive because it's worth it.

Yep. I personally know three BH in the last year that have been hit with this same reality. Their wives cheated, and will get cash and prizes if the guys walk. Hell the WW’s could decide to leave for no reason (no fault) and reap the rewards. The BH can then pay out while their newly free ex’s date.

That would have been/would be my situation in a D. BH who gets to pay my W after our marriage for the pleasure of having her sleep with another man in our bed. In fact, probably would have gotten to basically pay her enough to stay in the house and move the OM right in..

Removing sex from this for a moment, the loss of "fault" divorce in most areas is a travesty. As if the concept of your WS f**king someone else isn't enough, lets add on "and you get to pay him/her to do so" just for a measure of added pain. It's insane.

Now, to the OP, does financial disparity give someone more power in the marriage? It can, yes. But in the D? It's the opposite, the lower earning partner has more to gain/less to lose in a D than the high earning one. Yes, your standard of living may fall, but, you're getting divorced, that's kind of to be expected. But the standard flow of assets in a D is from "high income" to "low income". So, whoever is "low income" generally has more power when it comes to D. They are the ones that can force payment, garnish wages, sue the high earner, and generally, the high earner will get to pay for all this legal maneuvering on top of everything else! The only thing that high earner gets to do is "pay".

She hasn’t worked in years and it would be hard to start over professionally after 30 years.

If anyone wonders why the birth rate continues to fall in modern society, ^^ exhibit A followed by exhibit B ^^

It's a sad state, but it's the state we have. Neither sex benefits here; it's just MAD (mutually assured destruction). It puts women in an impossible situation and puts men into an impossible situation. The "safe way" is to have both parents work high paying jobs (so there's no high earner, everyone has a career to fall back on in D) and outsource the child care. But then why do it at all? I see this quite often professionally (for lower earning employees), he works 60 hours a week, she works 60 hours a week, kids are raised by family and childcare workers. Well, that's one way to do it, in fact, probably the "best way" if your examining the personal risks. But doesn't it miss the point? Like miss the point entirely?

[This message edited by Rideitout at 6:01 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

I was in that situation: having to pay out my WW.

And she had never contributed financially to anything, I have worked my a... off all those years.

Now she is looking which house to buy with the money I gave her.

If I start thinking about injustice , I could start screaming.

The only way to think about it : it's a business decision, and the price you pay to get rid of your wayward partner, is the price of your personal freedom.

The only way to think about it : it's a business decision, and the price you pay to get rid of your wayward partner, is the price of your personal freedom.

Except it's not that at all. You'd be paying exactly the same amount if you'd cheated instead of her. She violated the contract, you have to pay. You violate the contract, you have to pay.

Again, forgetting gender for a moment, there is no way in hell the marriage contract as it currently exists would stand up in court if you applied it to any standard contract scrutiny. It's far too one sided, you can't write a binding contract that says "If I do what you ask, you pay me, or if I burn down your building and piss on the fire, you pay me".

There's no penalty for violating the contract (well, actually, there is, but only for one party) which, in most cases, would be invalid. If I were a plumber, and we wrote up a contract that said "If you re-plumb my house, I'll give you 5K. Or, if you do nothing at all, I'll give you 5K too." and then the plumber came in, lit the house on fire, and walked out laughing. When you get to court, the plumber suing you for non-payment, the judge is almost certainly going to strike that contract as void. As they should. And too bad that they actually did install a toilet before they lit the house on fire, the "bad act" will supersede the requirement to pay.