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Does financial disparity give a WH more power?

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36yearsgone posted 11/4/2019 08:58 AM

Also, I never 'forgoed the skills to earn a living' My industry has tanked while I have been a SAHP and outsourced my skills to cheaper countries. Not every career has the same earning potential and I would definitely struggle financially to support a family on my single income despite being highly skilled and fully qualified with years of industry experience behind me. It is why I am retraining and looking at my options now. But as a middle aged woman who has been a SAHP I am acutely aware of the reality. A reality that was never a problem before my H cheated. Because before, we were in it together. We were a team.

We go into marriage with a plan to stay together until death do us part. We assume roles. We pursue careers. We have children and look to their future.

Then some low character person stabs their partner in the heart with infidelity as a weapon. The future you planned for instantly goes up in smoke.

I think the choices/opportunities for the safe spouse are limited, at least temporarily.

Loukas implies that the BS has a choice. Of course they do, but a choice of what? You can make all the choices you want, but the opportunity for a successful choice may be limited by circumstances.

When a spouse cheats, the faithful spouses find themselves thrust into a situation that they never expected to be in. As it was unexpected, they just are not prepared.

If your spouse cheats and you have no money, savings, income how easy will it be for you to send him/her packing and you take over the household expenses? How easy will it be for you to move out and hire a lawyer?

The correct answer is it won't be easy. It will be difficult and frustrating.

When I was a child I lived next door to an abused woman. Her psychotic asshole husband would beat her mercilessly. He cheated on her flagrantly. She had no money, no hope and no escape.

Until the entire neighborhood got together to help her. One day, thanks to the active help of her neighbors, she vanished with her six-year-old son. The neighbors put her up in her own apartment, paid her lease, utilities, bought her groceries...

Did she have choices? She did after her neighbors helped. But her choices were too few before then. Far fewer choices for women in 1965.

sisoon posted 11/4/2019 11:01 AM

I haven't read this whole thread, and I agree that women - BWs - are more likely than men to enter D in dire financial straits.

It's important to note that stay at home dads are also vulnerable to this.

I mention it because I believe, in general, that recovering from infidelity goes better when the BS dumps more over-generalizations and gets more in touch with reality - and the reality here is, as mentioned above, domestic management and chores are way undervalued in modern society.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:02 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

humantrampoline posted 11/4/2019 11:40 AM

before, we were in it together. We were a team.

As a BS, 3+ years out from DDay, this loss is something that bothers me frequently. I don't know how any BS gets past it, whether they are sole breadwinner, SAHP, or on equal financial earners.

I know financially I'm more fortunate than most. Still it hurts.

My WH and I met in graduate school - related technical fields. We both worked a short time in industry and started our own business together. We both did the technical work, and both moved into full time managerial roles as the business grew.

We had a child, and eventually decided that the business and travel were too demanding on our family. We sold the business and intended to take 1-2 years off. We don't live extravagantly and our unearned income was plenty, so neither of us worked for nearly 10 years. We were both fortunate to be able to spend as much time raising our son as we wanted.

Eventually our son wanted to settle and attend a traditional school. About a year before D-Day, I took a full time job. It's similar to my first job in industry 25 yrs ago and pays about as much. Still, we have no debts and live in a low cost area, so we could live off my salary alone at our current standard.

After d-day I've often thought I'd like to quit and focus on my healing. I don't feel comfortable not maintaining my employed income, benefits and skill set. I don't think I ever will whether I divorce or not. I'm thinking of trying to find a higher paying job just to put away more savings.

Before D-Day, I didn't care whether my WH worked or not. He had some part-time business ventures, did some charity work, would go on month-long adventures, and spend months helping family and giving them money. Now all of those things aren't acceptable. I expect him to work full time and dedicate his time and resources to his son and me only if we are married.

Can I ever trust my WH to have my back financially? What if I get sick or disabled and he leaves me? Can I trust WH to even put resources to his own child if something happens? Do I need to plan for income for two households in retirement?

I thought I was half of a team, and I miss that.

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