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He wants his AP after all. Gutted.

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heisasadcliche posted 11/2/2019 20:22 PM

6 weeks since D day. He never really disconnected. Kept messaging her secretly. Felt torn in 2 apparently. Now he's gone, 25 years and 2 just children sacked off so he can not be ' put back in the box of routine and daily grind' I was up for R and offered him it, it's been thrown in my face. I can't look at photos of us, I've taken them down, he's made my life with him, my entire adult life, feel valueless and I feel devastated. I've told him I won't be his plan b and that ongoing AP contact was a deal breaker. Tell me not to be desperate, tell me I can move on, tell me something good please. I'm at rock bottom. To those who warned me in previous posts that he wasn't R material, you were right. I'm still gutted, I wish like mad you were wrong, this is crap.

[This message edited by heisasadcliche at 8:23 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Chili posted 11/2/2019 20:34 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position.

Some people just aren't mature or brave enough to face their ugliest selves. It's cowardly. And immature. And definitely crappy to drag a bunch of innocent people down with them.

I was in a very similar situation to yours (including the 6 weeks). He was never going to be able to do what needed to be done and wasn't able to stay away from his AP. The high he got from that vs. having to face reality with me made it a no-brainer. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't have to pretend to be reconciling for longer than that. The 2nd Dday allowed me to kick him right off the fence and go 100% NC and start legal proceedings.

I am 7 years past that time and am living proof that you will move on. That you will find a new pathway for yourself that has nothing to do with that kind of toxic mess. You will be the decider of what you want your life to be.

Learning to detach from him will be your best friend right now. Getting out of his head and that of the relationship and into your own. Finding your anger and sense of justice will help. Knowing you are worth more than a Plan B is exactly the kind of thinking you need to embrace.

It takes lots of practice starting with moments where you focus on just you. But I promise - you will find yourself moving forward and through this horrible stuff.

Be kind to yourself.

Chili posted 11/2/2019 20:36 PM

PS: He doesn't really want *her* - he just wants how she makes him feel.

Justsomeguy posted 11/2/2019 20:47 PM

I hear you. And though I can't know how you feel, I know how I feel and felt right after dday. It's been about 22 months from the big dday for me and I am in my own life now. I've been feeling pretty shitty lately, but a friend of mine told me to think about where I was a year ago and how far I've come. Then he told me to imagine where I would be in a year from now. It helped me a bit.

I am starting to appreciate little things again. I live alone save the weeks when I have my kids. They make a big difference even though they are teenage girls and a massive pain. Life is a lot simpler and I worry about money all the time, but I have to remember, lillies of the field. I am learning to be alone and trying not to be lonely. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But that's okay. I studied with a Buddhist monk who told me that I am not my feelings or emotions. I am not lonely, but I am experiencing the feeling of loneliness and it will pass. That's helped me put things into perspective.

So where am I going with this diatribe? I guess I am saying that things get better super slowly though. I would get up when I was trying to recover with my WW and have my heart break every single day. I felt like Prometheus and it sucked. I would wake up angry that I woke up alive. I hated being alive and I was trying to repair a broken marriage that I hadn't broken. I missed the woman I thought my WW was, but was utterly disgusted with who she really was. I loathed her. It was no was to live.

Now I have peace. No more chaos; no more drama. It is exquisite but lonely. I am a work in progress. I'm not good yet, but I can finally see good from where I am standing. Thats progress considering a few years ago I was putting together a suicide kit to take with me to a place I had picked out. I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone to clean up.

So that's my version of better. It's not a fairy tale, but I don't believe in those anymore. Maybe it's a postmodernist take on a fairy tale. Who knows. You will get through this and you will live the shit out of the rest of your life. You will kick life squarely in the balls and laugh out loud. Go be amazing again.

marriageredux959 posted 11/2/2019 20:56 PM

I've told him I won't be his plan b and that ongoing AP contact was a deal breaker.

Good!

Tell me not to be desperate, tell me I can move on, tell me something good please.

No need, Sister. You've already told him, the world, and most importantly, you've told yourself. And good for you! <3 You've already defined yourself and your value separately from him and from his crappy parameters. He does not have any say in your value.

Now he's gone, 25 years and 2 just children sacked off so he can not be ' put back in the box of routine and daily grind' I was up for R and offered him it, it's been thrown in my face.

^^This right here. He'd already gutted the marriage and drained it of any past value he *may* have provided and any potential value he *may* have offered.

Running to AP? and she's taking him on these terms, that he's tossed over a faithful wife who offered reconciliation, two kids and a 25 year relationship to escape "the box of routine and daily grind"? Wonder how she's going to feel when he can't be cajoled into showing up for the daily infrastructure maintenance that will be their life minus the magical unicorn farts of Affair World...

I do hope, for the OW's sake, that her vajayjay does tricks... otherwise her box is going to become the routine daily grind in short order.

Hold your head up, Honey- lawyer up, get good legal advise, and when given clearance by your attorney, send the AP a nice fruit and nut basket as a thank you gift. That generous woman with the sparkling novelty vajajay just took out the trash for you. :)

numb2018 posted 11/2/2019 21:05 PM

Everything Marriageredux just said.

I'm 2 years since DDay and almost 2 years since WH left for the AP. Two teens, 25 years M absolutely down the drain. My oldest can barely stand to be around him.

Let her have him. You will be fine without him; better even!

It takes time to get over the shock of it all, but you will get there. Hold your head up!

Marz posted 11/2/2019 21:14 PM

You'll be fine long term providing one thing.

No contact !!!!! Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't limit it to text or emails.

Don't allow him in your home, don't go into his. No phone calls, text or email kids only. If not you will linger in this.

It may seem draconian but it's your only good path. Kids will adjust. Also tell the kids in a sanitized way. Don't attempt to lie or hide it from them.

Don't fall for the "lets be friends" thing. It's only for him not you.

It's ok to ignore.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:15 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Flnightmare posted 11/2/2019 21:59 PM

I am so sorry. I have no advice, just hugs.

Slanted posted 11/2/2019 22:07 PM

I'm too confused by my own situation as a fellow BS to feel like I have any advice to offer. But even as a stranger on the Internet, I can say you have been wronged in ways no one deserves. Wishing you the best of luck and comfort.

[This message edited by Slanted at 10:05 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

hopefullife posted 11/2/2019 22:08 PM

I'm in the same situation myself. I offered him R and all that crap only to find myself being tricked again, saying he is confused and maybe he loves the AP cause how could he do it the 2nd time. He may be right. I don't desire to be Plan B. I desire to be the only plan he ever has.

It's very fresh for you, even for me as it's only been 2 months since he chose AP. I tell you the days ahead will be really painful. You will slowly learn how easy it is for him to discard you and it will very tough to swallow. You will pray more than anything in this world for him to repent, snap out of it and beg you for forgiveness and another chance. But remember this, what you need now is to heal yourself, to become a better version of you with or without him in your life. We already gave them our best, it is no longer in our hands. We don't have control over their decisions. We can only control and move forward with ours. Go NC, it will help you whatever the eventual outcome will be.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/2/2019 22:14 PM

I downloaded a short book called Love Must Be Tough. As in Tough Love. The author says most likely they have crossed the line of respect over and over with us, and this is another example. He says, tell them to leave, go be with the AP, because I will not be disrespected. He says a marriage cannot work if one person is hurting us over and over. By chapter 2 of the book, I had snapped out of letting him disrespecting the kids and I further.

You are a treasure he doesnít deserve.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:53 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Crushed7 posted 11/2/2019 22:30 PM

What you feel is pretty common. But it is a lie -- an insidious lie that many BS's end up having to wrestle with.

The reality is that this isn't about you at all. It's a commentary on your WS. He is self-centered, manipulative and unfaithful. He is chasing some ego kibbles to self-soothe some hidden character gap deep inside. The AP is similarly broken and doing the same thing. The thing that made it all "click" for me was to think of the A as a drug -- your WS and the AP are both users who are focused on nothing more that getting some sort of high for themselves.

While you feel gutted and that this is somehow a commentary on your worth, it's not. The truth is that you are capable of real love, are faithful, are a role model for your kids and are stronger than you know.

Tell me not to be desperate, tell me I can move on, tell me something good please.

You've been betrayed and it is a massive emotional and psychological wound. It's OK to have your emotions be all over the place and to have your mind be racing. It's your brain and body's way of dealing with things. For now, your job is to give yourself permission to feel and to find good ways to let those emotions out. It's part of the healing process.

Feeling that you can move on and that things will be OK will eventually come. Until then, be patient with yourself. Vent here. Build up your support network. Find a really good IC. Having a non-remorseful WS away will give you room to do all of those things along with the space to focus on you. You'll make it!

Buffer posted 11/2/2019 23:07 PM

Sorry for your predicament. He is a pig 🐷
There are a lot of good information been handed to you, all I can suggest is look after yourself.
Walk the dog, donít have one then get one. Talk about your feelings and problems with the dog. You will never get any bad advise.
Drink lots of water, talk with a dear friend. Go completely NC, only talk regarding the children. Seek legal advice now, know your rights.
You are Not At Fault. It is all on him. Love yourself, look after the children
Keep posting.

Cyber hugs

EllieKMAS posted 11/3/2019 01:00 AM

So sorry hiasc - I know how you feel, but in my case wasted 9 more months.

Proud of you for putting your foot down, and with time YOU will be proud of yourself for that too. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but you will. Stay your course - you are completely right in saying that him continuing the affair is a deal breaker.

You will get through this. Not gonna lie, it is gonna suck for a while, but you'll get past it. You are not valueless and the lessons in this aren't valueless either. You are worth more than him, more than what he has done to your life.

Sending you hugs and as much peace as I can.

Dragonfly123 posted 11/3/2019 01:54 AM

Think that line about not wanting him to be put back in a box of routine and daily grind just about sums this up. He doesnít want the affair partner per se, he wants lala fantasy world. Ha, see how that works out for him... loser!

Heís a man child and heíll remain deeply unhappy being filled by external validation.

Sheíll become boring and then heíll seek a new affair partner and so on and so forth.

You offered a wonderful gift. Hold that beautiful head up high and let him have his crappy existence.

I promise that things do get better, clearer, the heart heals. Time and space is what you need, give yourself both. Make sure you grey rock him as Iíve no doubt, heíll try to play you when he realises his kibble pile has halved!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:56 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Odonna posted 11/3/2019 01:55 AM

You will be OK!! It will just take awhile....

Just keep your boundaries strong. Limbo is a self-imposed hell you do NOT want to experience.

This is purely awful, but you will be OK.

heisasadcliche posted 11/3/2019 04:04 AM

THANK YOU ALL. I am UK based so woke up to your fabulous support, lovely.

He doesn't really want *her* - he just wants how she makes him feel.
Yes Chili.

Don't fall for the "lets be friends" thing. It's only for him not you

Thank you Marz, I will try really hard with that. He has said he wants us to be friends. In my world you don't do your friends over...

marriageredux959 PMSL, thanks for making me chuckle. x

he sparkling novelty vajajay

hopefullife

We don't have control over their decisions. We can only control and move forward with ours.

This is the sivler lining to my cloud- at least I am deciding how I move forward with my life now.

I am off out mountain biking now with my wonderful 17yr old son, I have a plan for monday night- exercise class with friends and will keep doing what I need to do. My work know, my friends know...
I'll post in this thread to let you know how I am getting on. xxxx

Catwoman posted 11/3/2019 05:23 AM

Please continue to post here when you need grounding. It's a process, a journey, and you'll move forwards and backwards and sideways along the way.

Truly nothing is worth the disrespect that a cheating partner dishes out.

Cat

heisasadcliche posted 11/3/2019 10:35 AM

Well the bike ride helped. So have the messages of support from his family- I told my M-I-L today. Everyone is being so great, he's not been in touch except to thank me for telling his family so they can look out for him. He has no one, his fault, except AP right now and shit as he is being he is my sons' dad and I want him safe for them. I have not replied, he's turned all his location tracking and sharing off so I can guess what that means but I keep telling myself that this is not my concern now.

He's told a mutual friend who said did he realise he was making the biggest mistake of his life "Maybe, but I can't see any way back this time and what's done is done" Maybe? Certainly IMHO.

I'm itching to call him and talk, I saw some pictures of us in better days and ached for that man, he's so far gone and I know it's a bad idea so I won't. It just kills me that he has become someone else and someone else's and I miss us. I have felt that way during the A, I just didn't know why he was absent emotionally then...now it ALL makes sense. He'd gone.

Time to eat my tea and get my sh*t ready for work tomorrow! x

heisasadcliche posted 11/3/2019 15:45 PM

So, call me stupid but I rang him back. He says they have 'both realised the enormity of what they have done' (my eldest son gave him some over the phone)
He's asked me not to start D yet. Apparently his AP went on a date and this put him in a spin....
Anyhow, apparently I can trust him now because and these were the words from his mouth "the difference is now I've got the opportunity for her and it's not what I want after all"

I asked what he'd do if he was me and he said he can't remember what it's like to be strong enough to do the right thing. So please tell why I'd want to take a chance on someone in that state?

He's said he's like an addict. Where's his motivation to stop if I let him in again? He's already trashed the boundaries set after d day by keeping contact. He lied about why he was moving out last night " so I could think as he was bad for me" while actually setting up a meeting with her.

And now he wonders if I can think about giving him another chance, I don't have to reply yet. Oh, thanks for that. I can go back into limbo, wondering if it's over, hoping, grieving, hoping, wondering.

If I didn't love him it would be so easy to say off you trot you made your bed, I don't care who you lie in it with. This is why you wise ones said NC isn't it?! X

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