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He wants his AP after all. Gutted.

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heisasadcliche posted 11/17/2019 16:56 PM

Dear All, I am done. I have told him I am divorcing him.


He has not found the motivation, has not respected the boundaries I set out and has made it very clear this weekend to me that he is still torn, unsure, flipping from apologising to accusing when I do not agree with his terms for R.
I know he reads this and am not going to fan the flames of his indignation, but trust me when I say that his levels of blame-shifting and rug-sweeping are rising by the day.

I said my red lines were him contacting her and blaming me for his poor choices in having an affair. He has crossed these and that is it.

He has really NOT liked the way you have all spoken about him on here and the names that you have used! I did say he did not have to read this, I was posting here to help me, not for him to see what I was thinking and that he had brought this discredit upon himself. Guess how that went down?!

He also said tonight that he was fed up of being put in the dog house. He is still cross that I told my best friends; how he ever thought I'd get through this without them is beyond me. My best friend was sat on the sofa at the time, listening, she nearly fell off it when he said that.

Apparently I have aired our dirty laundry in public....I have told many people that we separated, but not why, on social media- mostly to stop the sending of silver anniversary cards and so folk knew why I was such a mess.

I could go on, but it is late and I am still very tired...
I will let you know how this all plays out now and think I may be back for support and the odd pep talk.

The1stWife posted 11/17/2019 17:18 PM

Iím sorry it has come to this but unfortunately there doesnít seem to be any other options.

You stated what you expected. He did not comply with your boundaries because he wants a guarantee from you that you will reconcile. So you donít give him a guarantee.

Itís a catch-22.

And I did not call him any names. I merely commented in his behavior and choices. I called a spade a spade so to speak. He is a cheater. If he doesnít like it Iím sorry but Iím not saying anything thatís it true. And BTW he can stop being a cheater. His choice. His decision.

He can also stop lying and making promises and doing nothing. Again his choice.

fareast posted 11/17/2019 17:27 PM

Sorry it has come to this, but you canít R with an unremorseful cheater. You set your boundaries and he canít handle it. Too bad. As hard as it is to go through the D process, you will make it and come out just fine. He will always be a cheater. Always value yourself. Minimal contact going forward. He is not worthy of your time. He will just try to drag you down and engage in sophomoric justifications. Keep your eyes on the prize. He ainít it.

sassylee posted 11/17/2019 22:46 PM

Right now, itís so painful to realize this is the end...but youíll come to see he gave you a gift. He continued to display his selfish character and remorseless actions. Too often, WS put on an act...and they will pretend and go through the motions and through manipulation, R is attempted with a deceiver. Instead of this realization hitting you years down the road, you have been spared months and/or years of pain, doubt and gaslighting.

If he were remorseful, heíd stop reading your thread and allow you space to heal, instead of searching for cracks in your resolve he can manipulate.

You are such a strong woman...I canít wait to hear about your update once youíve fully risen from the ashes. I predict it will be glorious!

sassylee posted 11/17/2019 22:51 PM

Regarding ďairing your dirty laundry in publicĒ - I told my WS, if he was embarrassed and ashamed about his actions, he shouldnít have done them...but that I had nothing to feel shame about and his actions made this story mine to tell.

No surprise he doesnít want you with a support system...much harder to manipulate you if you are alone and drowning than if you have friends to yank you out of the cesspool heís left you adrift in...

ShatteredSakura posted 11/17/2019 23:32 PM

heisasadcliche, your last update filled me with such anger

He sounds exactly like my exWW. She didn't like this forum either, and she also made a huge deal out of "airing the dirty laundry". In fact one of the last things we fought about - before moving out and shacking up with her AP - was how hurt and upset she was over me telling people.

She put me through hell the last two years with her indecisiveness and refusal to give up her AP! Since your WH reads this - hey you, you are an emotionally abusive asshole! Just like how my WW was an emotionally abusive asshole! If you truly cared, you'd have dumped your AP and abide by your wife's boundaries...not put her through this hell.

I read that he was concerned about being lonely. WH, you know how isolating and lonely it feels to be put through the hell of infidelity?? Anything you're worrying about cannot come close to what that feels like. You blew up your world, and now you're reaping the consequences.

Stay strong ((heisasadcliche))

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:34 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

heisasadcliche posted 11/18/2019 00:26 AM

Hi Shatteredsakura, I am sorry for your pain. It is crap isn't it. X

He has behaved badly, I agree. I may have a low opinion of him and not want that behaviour around me but he is dad to my kids. I want him to become better for them and himself. I have no desire to view him as anything other than a damaged man who needs help that I cannot give. That's my way of getting through this, and it my not be everyone's but it is how I intend to try and see things.

Thanks for your support. X

[This message edited by heisasadcliche at 12:30 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

ChamomileTea posted 11/18/2019 01:08 AM

I'm so sorry. I'm sure you were hoping for a better outcome where somehow your WH managed to find the internal reserves to engage the healing process. And I know you're worried about him. I've been married for a long time too, so I understand what it is to grieve for the young man you married because he just won't SEE the disaster he's making.

There's nothing else you can do though. It's a tragedy but he's the ONLY ONE who could have stopped it. And he won't.

He has really NOT liked the way you have all spoken about him on here and the names that you have used! I did say he did not have to read this, I was posting here to help me, not for him to see what I was thinking and that he had brought this discredit upon himself. Guess how that went down?!

He also said tonight that he was fed up of being put in the dog house. He is still cross that I told my best friends; how he ever thought I'd get through this without them is beyond me. My best friend was sat on the sofa at the time, listening, she nearly fell off it when he said that.

This is narcissism. He's more worried about his image than he is about the truth. He actually DID these things. He fucked some other woman, abandoned his wife and family, not once but twice. And he's more worried about what people might think about those actions than he is about why he acrually did them. You've given him a possible route to recovery.. but he's worried about "being put in the doghouse after he fucked some skank and left you twice. The disconnect is mindboggling. I mean, if the shoe were on the other foot and it was you who had stuck a psychological knife in HIS back, I'm thinking he might think maybe a little work might be in order.

But that's the nature of narcissists. They don't have the ability to truly empathize. They can't walk that proverbial mile, because if they do... they're AFRAID OF WHAT THEY WILL SEE. The most important thing in their world is hiding their internal truth. They don't want anyone to see it and they sure as hell aren't willing to look at it for themselves. This is why there's so little hope for narc recovery. It only looks like self-love because the narc is so focused on cultivating his outward persona. His rationalizations become so ingrained that even he can't see he's wearing a mask. And sure, the mask hides his truth from other people, but it was born and grown to hide him from himself. Any criticism strikes too close to home for comfort.

I'm so sorry. It's tragic, and even when we're super mad at the WS and verbalizing it, I think most of us are still aware of how just plain fucking sad it is. You're doing the only thing you can do though. If he's not willing to admit he's got a problem, get into therapy, and make real changes, he'll drag you and everyone else down with him. He can't solve a problem he won't even look at.

((big hugs))

hansvoleman posted 11/18/2019 02:23 AM

He's more worried about his image than he is about the truth. He actually DID these things. He fucked some other woman, abandoned his wife and family, not once but twice. And he's more worried about what people might think about those actions than he is about why he acrually did them.

This is what stands out. If he is that sensitive even to what you have told an internet forum of strangers who can't identify you and him then he truly is missing the point of reconciliation. i am so sorry.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 2:23 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

staystrong101 posted 11/19/2019 19:55 PM

Hes- Your WH really screwed up. Heís not good enough for you. Youíre a strong lady and a wonderful example to your children. Youíre showing them what is acceptable (and not) in a relationship. I know itís not easy to do the right thing sometimes, and itís still very painful. But well done you. You will get through this!

heisasadcliche posted 11/21/2019 14:12 PM

Gosh, this sucks. People telling me, lovely people, that I am so strong. I am hanging by a thread. Being brave for my son, for myself, telling myself I am a survivor, lovable, worth more .. but I am so sad...crap.

tushnurse posted 11/21/2019 14:45 PM

((((Cliche)))))

I know this is hard and painful. It's ok to be sad. You have a M to grieve. Let yourself feel the feels, but then pull yourself together, and be sure to do one nice fun thing for yourself every single day. It will help you keep your sanity.

Make sure you get an appt with an attorney or 2 so that you can file.
Try to be as much no contact with him as possible. Only discuss financial and child stuff when absolutely necessary. The distance will give you some strength and clarity.

Let friends and loved ones support you right now. They will help you be strong and get through this.

Keep reading and posting here, and who cares what he thinks, or reads. He clearly was unwilling to own his shit, and do the real work that is necessary to be a safe partner that is worthy of the gift of R.

((((And Strength))))

ChamomileTea posted 11/21/2019 15:21 PM

It's okay to feel sad. Just remember that feelings are transient. Even though that sad feeling sucks, another feeling will come along in time. Try to just allow your feelings. Sit with them. Let them pass without judgment or holding on.

Meanwhile, Tushnurse is right... do some nice things for yourself. Double up on your self-care. Eat right, hydrate, sleep when you can, abstain from alcohol. Pamper yourself. Get your hair done, mani-pedi. Treat yourself to a little retail therapy if you can afford it. Do some sight-seeing, take in a movie or play, feed some birds... whatever makes you smile inside.

I do remember how hard it is to break through the mental focus we develop regarding the cheater. It's like your whole brain is on him like a laser beam, like you can't think of anything else. But you can. And you should. Harness that energy for YOURSELF, what you want, what you like, whether there's enough milk in the fridge, how nice your morning coffee smells, or when the tires need rotated. People who treat us like objects, who abuse and abandon us, are not worthy of that kind of consideration. This guy has fired you from the job of caring about him, and in the cruelest way possible too.

You're going to be okay. Believe it. You ARE a survivor. You ARE lovable. And you ARE worth more than how your WH has treated you. It's time to grab the brass ring and give YOU a better, cheater-free life. You're a kind and decent person and you deserve good things.

((hugs))

thatbpguy posted 11/21/2019 15:37 PM

"Gosh, this sucks. People telling me, lovely people, that I am so strong. I am hanging by a thread. Being brave for my son, for myself, telling myself I am a survivor, lovable, worth more .. but I am so sad...crap."

In your weakness, you are showing incredible strength.

The man you love has turned from you. Rather than dancing the "pick me" dance, you have set reasonable margins and boundaries. He either refuses, or cannot meet them. So, again, he's turned away from you and his children.

He's a deeply broken man, but that is not your fault and you are not here to fix that type of brokenness.

Given the unbelievable strain, loneliness and pain, you have been pretty darn wise. It's terrible it has to come to this, but it was his doing and his decision. He can live with it.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 3:37 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/21/2019 16:00 PM

In your weakness, you are showing incredible strength


Exactly this.

It's ok to break down sometimes, too. Maybe you know someone who you feel safe enough with to do that? If not a family member or friend, maybe a therapist or someone from a church, if you go.

Take care of yourself in all of this. Do what you need to do for you.

Dispirited posted 11/23/2019 17:28 PM

Thank you Marz, I will try really hard with that. He has said he wants us to be friends. In my world you don't do your friends over...

marriageredux959 PMSL, thanks for making me chuckle. x

How "common" - such a lame response: "let's be friends". Oh...ok- whatever you say! Amazing how these self-centered people think that those whom they hurt should agree to "their" conditions. More evidence of their selfishness and obvious inability to empathize at all.

It is SO difficult to say go fuck yourself..I understand that. "How dare you" is more like it. Yet, when people are so engrossed in themselves- with NO regard to people that have been in their lives...It is shameful....it is unfortunately the invasion of the body snatchers come to true life.No explanation- and that is perhaps the "worst" part. What happened to you? And most of the time? Silence. No explanation because either they are afraid to admit failure and/or retain any decency. The latter being they would have to own up to the fact that THEY- not you squandered trust...lost that sense of decency...and most of all will most likely NEVER "fix" themselves.

Just like celebs who break up and within days have a new partner. Never taking the time to figure out what the hell happened. No- easier to simply forego any 'work". And that is the key term..work to me was never a big deal. I tried to aware, although not an angel.

When you make no effort to be aware...to acknowledge your short-comings, BUT others commit (the important word here)...then the obvious difference. Easy- it seems to simply walk away. Irreconcilable differences.Everything an excuse.

No surprise that those who lack the emotional equipment always seem to fail and/or are miserable. Many of these cheaters will at some point "realize" their mistakes. Good chance that those who were stiffed will never see that. BUT... for the most part, my belief is that at some point who have at least "some soul" will eventually do a self-analysis.And whenever that comes, it's all too late for those whom they caused hurt.

Nolife posted 11/23/2019 17:33 PM

Prayers for healing sometimes people just donít realize what they got till they lose it.

Nolife posted 11/23/2019 17:34 PM

Prayers for healing sometimes people just donít realize what they got till they lose it.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/23/2019 17:44 PM

Just like celebs who break up and within days have a new partner. Never taking the time to figure out what the hell happened. No- easier to simply forego any 'work". And that is the key term..work to me was never a big deal. I tried to aware, although not an angel.

When you make no effort to be aware...to acknowledge your short-comings, BUT others commit (the important word here)...then the obvious difference. Easy- it seems to simply walk away. Irreconcilable differences.Everything an excuse.

This reminded me of one of the last things my WW said before leaving for the AP, that she made such a mess and felt like it was easier starting over with someone else. I don't know how being with your AP is starting over though

Dispirited posted 11/23/2019 17:56 PM

And although many sad posts here explain the lack of decency - not only re: history, but "some" acknowledgement of those who gave/ contributed. Who seemingly were unselfish, giving, and committed. It seems that is often the case here, yet for whatever reason(s), those who offended such people lost track of those kind and loving occurrences.

I never did...when that kindness occurred, but the reality is that many don't know what happened to that.Not simply an affair, but the change in thinking.It is as if any kindness..any small gesture was forgotten. Even with those like myself who did things out of love- with no expectation of any return. And when someone lends such kindness, "when" that person- that spouse or partner merely spits it out with no regard to such, then sadly those people should either attempt psychotherapy (good luck with that:) OR get out of the race and begin to work on oneself.

Morals? Acknowledging deficiencies? Essentially treating people properly...you want to fuck around? Then tell your partner and split. Such cheating philosophy : "Have your cake and eat it too" is for immature people. God knows where that line is drawn:)

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