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He wants his AP after all. Gutted.

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heisasadcliche posted 11/3/2019 16:29 PM

So I sent him this because I hate the limbo feeling and now I will be getting on with my life while he does or does not.

This is what I can offer- get a flat, get a new job, get clear of her. End your addiction. Work on the reasons why you did this and become someone who can remember what it's like to do the right thing again. Then you will be safe enough for us start to think about a future. That's all I can offer and you're bloody lucky to get this chance. Don't bother to reply right now.Think really hard and show me by your actions.Thats all I will look at, anyone can say sorry. Deeds not words.

heisasadcliche posted 11/3/2019 16:30 PM

Duplicate of previous post. Doh!

[This message edited by heisasadcliche at 4:32 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

HellFire posted 11/3/2019 16:43 PM

So she had a date,and now he wants to come back. He has blatantly told you that you are his Plan B.

Don't be anyone's Plan B.


Marz posted 11/3/2019 16:50 PM

I think you response was perfect. It had the right amount of "I'm not putting up with your shit" in it.

Marz posted 11/3/2019 16:54 PM

Thank you Marz, I will try really hard with that. He has said he wants us to be friends. In my world you don't do your friends over...

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

They use this ploy to help them feel better about themselves. Relieve guilt, etc. nothing in it for you. All it does is keep you tied up in the mess and you can't move on with all your headspace taken up by him.

Charity411 posted 11/3/2019 17:17 PM

I agree with Marz. Your response was perfect. Now stick to it. I know that's hard. After 25 years and so much invested it is so hard. But remember this. Right now he's giving you a place holder. He's keeping you on the line while he deals with her going on a date.

You don't have to make any permanent decisions now. You just have to value yourself enough to tell him you don't wait for anyone to make up their mind. You wouldn't have done it when you first met him and fell in love. You need to be that woman again. And you are doing great. Your response to it was awesome.

sassylee posted 11/3/2019 17:27 PM

When you start to waiver, go back and read his threads. They screamed supreme selfishness and demonstrated his lackadaisical attitude about the abuse and trauma heís put you through.

Remember, this is not the man you love. You love the man you thought he was before he started having sex with another woman. This man? This man you do not love.

TimSC posted 11/3/2019 19:15 PM

Nostalgia. You want to return to the time long ago when you were happy and KNEW he loved only you. You want back what you had.

Sorry... doesn't work like that.

Your marriage is dead. He killed it with his lies and affairs. It can never be the same. Grieve the death and make plans for your future.

That could include your wayward husband or not. It is your choice. Just don't expect to return to the earlier time in your marriage.

R takes dedication and a lot of work on both sides.

ChamomileTea posted 11/3/2019 22:51 PM

This is what I can offer- get a flat, get a new job, get clear of her. End your addiction. Work on the reasons why you did this and become someone who can remember what it's like to do the right thing again. Then you will be safe enough for us start to think about a future. That's all I can offer and you're bloody lucky to get this chance. Don't bother to reply right now.Think really hard and show me by your actions.Thats all I will look at, anyone can say sorry. Deeds not words.

It's a good response, but I would caution you NOT to put your life on hold. See an attorney. Take steps to protect yourself and your children. Prioritize your own happiness. Keep moving forward.

I remember well that feeling after DDay, when I felt like my WH's future was so clear to me, and even though he'd hurt me worse than anyone ever had, I still felt weirdly protective. I could see the disaster which awaited him almost as if it had already happened. The last of the OW's was a good deal younger than he was, much like your situation. And while he was living in la-la-land, fancying himself to be this great stud, what was clear to me that as a man in his 50's, the difference between him and other males of OW's age group was... earning potential. Here was my WH, whose chief complaint was that he felt like "a paycheck on legs" frothing at the bit to be some harlot's financial security. Nevermind that he'd be worth only half. He'd made himself out to be such a big deal that half probably sounded good enough to her.

So yeah, we see the foolish vanity, the lies they tell themselves.. and the certain ruination of everything they ever planned. Our kids were already young adults. The OW would've had him starting over, spending his retirement years raising someone else's kids and doing without the retirement he'd planned for himself. And all that while his own children despised him as a liar and a cheat. We see it clearly. We remember the young man we married. And we're moved to pity.

But.. we can't save them from themselves. All we can do is point out the path and then keep moving forward. If they can catch up, great. If not, that's sad... but there's NOTHING you can do to save him from his fate.

I told you once before that water finds its own level. For cheaters, that means sewage. He knows it, but he doesn't want to LOOK. Looking means he has to dig deep, find his broken bits, and change. Waiting for him doesn't do either of you service. More likely, the longer you wait, the longer he'll play you. So, keep moving forward with your life. Make YOUR happiness a priority.


ThatGuy728 posted 11/4/2019 16:25 PM

Listen to HellFire.

Your husband sounds like the classic ďheís not sorry for what he did, heís sorry he got caughtĒ. He only came back once he saw his AP as not someone that he could build a future with. The percentage is very low that he will learn from this and become a better monogamous person.

Do yourself a favor now and go through with the divorce and start moving on with your life. Instead of wasting any more time trying to make things work with this selfish sad excuse of a man.

newlife03 posted 11/4/2019 16:45 PM

Tell me not to be desperate, tell me I can move on, tell me something good please

I waited and waited for xWH to tell me these things, but I had to learn to go forward without these words. And for the longest time I wanted xWH to tell me he wanted me back just so I could laugh at him. But no more. I no longer need anything from him (except his financial support for DD17).

You will move on. And knowing that you offered to reconcile is a point on your side so that you can one day say you were willing to make it work. I tried MC and stayed in IC for a while, and relocated my family to another state to make it work. It didn't due to WW#2 and I have no regrets for my efforts.

Good for you for not being Plan B. You deserve better!

Evertrying posted 11/4/2019 17:21 PM

Tell him to go fuck himself and do a hard 180. He is still smelling unicorn farts and his head is so far up his ass he can't think straight.

Mine was awful for 6 months after dday, but mine didn't move out and did go NC. But he was still a selfish, entitled asshole for months after the A was over. While he "missed and pined" for his AP, he didn't do it in front of me.

It's hard I know. Your head tells you one thing to do while your heart is breaking and wanting to do the exact opposite.

But please know that until he figures out his own shit and completely stops ALL CONTACT with his AP, you have no marriage to fight for.

Babette2008 posted 11/4/2019 17:43 PM

He only wants you because he's not sure about her, not because he's changed or appreciates you yet. He might get there but I wouldn't trust him now. You are doing the right thing.

heisasadcliche posted 11/5/2019 06:59 AM

Thanks. I feel like- sounds dramatic- he's died. Gone. We are over. He's so mixed up. If I could fix him I would. I KNOW I can't. Lots of his stuff in spare room with door shut. It's too painful to see his things. He didn't even message his boys yesterday to see how they are.

Thanks again for the advice. Reading it helps me stay my chosen course.

heisasadcliche posted 11/5/2019 07:00 AM

Also, helps me feel much better. You are giving me hope. X

[This message edited by heisasadcliche at 7:00 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

sassylee posted 11/5/2019 09:59 AM


We got your back girl.

ChamomileTea posted 11/5/2019 10:53 AM

I feel like- sounds dramatic- he's died

Not dramatic at all. It's the same Five Stages of Grief.. denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. And it doesn't matter if we R or D, we still cycle through those stages, sometimes in no particular order and repeatedly until we finally arrive at some stage of Acceptance which sticks.
Betrayal changes our world-view. It robs us of the person we thought we knew, and no matter what happens, that person is never coming back because our innocent trust is gone.

It's okay to grieve. Feel your feelings. Sit with them. And then let them pass. Feelings are fluid, not static. So no matter how bad one feels, another is going to come along. All we have to do is allow. Buddhist teaching is that feelings are like visitors, which we should open our door to, allow, and not hold onto as they pass naturally to be replaced by another. Mindfulness can help you to process the trauma. Good books to read are: The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

You might also read a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. And really, I would recommend this one first because the author does such a marvelous job of explaining the effects this kind of trauma has on the brain and thus, the body. I found that once I understood the physiological aspects of it, I felt so much more confident in recovery.


[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:55 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

sickofsurviving posted 11/5/2019 11:08 AM

I feel like my husband died the day he said his cousin's name. He supposedly ended his A years before. Who knows. They were still "Facebook friends".

Anyway, after over 4 years, that feeling continues. I mourn my husband. The man I was still so in love with. The man that was my best friend. The man that was just pretend.

But God how I miss my old life. What I thought my life was. I am still so very deep in grief.

Its still surreal to look at him. The man that looks and sounds like my husband. When I wake up, and curl into him, for just that split second, I have my husband. Then the reality crashes in. Again. It's just his evil twin.

This is just my reality. When I first found SI, I needed to know what I was feeling was "normal". That I wasnt losing my mind. It was a small comfort.

heisasadcliche posted 11/5/2019 11:30 AM

I needed to know what I was feeling was "normal". That I wasnt losing my mind

That's what I have found Sickofsurviving. I am not going crazy.

Just spoken to my MIL, she said she doesn't recognise him too. She is devastated for us too. All this pain.

Youngest DS(17) not wanting to speak to his dad or meet up.He's too angry. I don't want to push him but at the same time I don't want him to leave it too long.

Just been to sort out some financial crap and popped into beauty shop to buy nail varnish remover, favourite love song came on the radio, cue me in floods. Bless the Sally Hair and Beauty staff, they were so nice. What a ride this is!

I am so not going back to limbo, false R and being plan b. FTS!!!

I am however going to my lovely friend's for a glass of wine as I am not lone drinking.

Peace and love to you all, your replies and support really are helping me. I'm sure I'll be back, for more support and to read the older posts and threads of mine and his to remind me of my progress and WHAT I have escaped from. x

fareast posted 11/5/2019 11:46 AM

Losing the relationship with his sons is part of the consequences for his infidelity. The kids can see how fucked up he is. Donít try to force their relationship. It can backfire on you. Just be the stable parent and be there for them. If your WH wants a relationship with his sons itís up to him to earn it. You canít control him or your sonís reactions. Please just take care of you. Be good to yourself. Good luck.

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