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He wants his AP after all. Gutted.

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heisasadcliche posted 11/6/2019 16:17 PM

He has emailed me regarding finances- all reasonable and no complaints about that- and ended his message;

"Hope you are feeling more positive after the initial shock, you are a resilient and strong person and will be happy again"

Yes, possibly so, but no thanks to you you f**ker!
Hopping mad. Feels like he is making himself feel better by telling me I'll be OK.

Actually I will be good again, but it galls me to have him self soothing his feelings by minimising the shit I am going through right now. She is so welcome to him if that's where he is heading with all this. You'll be OK, so I can move on now...

A week ago I'd think I was being harsh but now I just think he's selfish and still in denial about the lying, deceit, betrayal and general shitty behaviour and choices he's made.

ChamomileTea posted 11/6/2019 19:50 PM

What a dirtbag thing to say. I know I shouldn't be amazed by the narcissistic mind at this point, but the unmitigated gall just never stops.

This is "image management". The cheater wants to convince everyone he's not a lying sack of shit, and narcs can't stand for people to see the monster behind the mask. It's all a mindfuck though. Watch the actions, not the words. And remember... the mindfuck has three channels: charm, rage, and self-pity. The narc goes for what works, but the actions always tell the story.

I'm sorry he did that to you.
((hugs))

pureheartkit posted 11/6/2019 20:27 PM

Yes, you will be fine but what a shallow thing to say. He wants to excuse himself of his selfish choices. You deserve much more and you're going to get it.

Ns......Grrrrrrrrrrr!

The arrogance

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/7/2019 06:02 AM

Feels like he is making himself feel better by telling me I'll be OK.


Yep. Asshole! Tell him to fuck off!

JJJCCC posted 11/8/2019 08:08 AM

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:43 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 11/9/2019 01:20 AM

You will be fine. We all survive this.

But the cheater doesn’t get to say this. He’s only saying this to ease his guilty conscience.

Right before my H told me he was divorcing me - he told me “if we ever Divorce you will have no trouble getting dates - you are still so hot”. I looked at him and told him I’m not interested in dates - I’m married and interested in you!

That should have been a big 🚩 to me. At the time it was just odd he would say that.

Your STBXH is trying to stop his guilty feelings from occurring. May his karma be that he has deep regrets over his actions for the rest of life. And that someone does the same to him.

heisasadcliche posted 11/9/2019 11:49 AM

It's VERY strange. All his stuff in back room, not telling him my plans, going away overnight and not saying so, taking him off my social media- so he's off mine mostly.

Not asking him what he's up to, not ending messages with love you and xxxxx.

I feel like I'm being hard, am I?

tushnurse posted 11/9/2019 12:02 PM

You are not being hard.
You are being smart. He fired you from the role of wife. You are simply showing him what life is going to be like.
Additionally these changes protect yourself from him causing you any new pain and heartache. The pain is bad right now hit the less you interact with him the stronger you are going to feel.
When you are unsure or feel like reaching out to him post here.
We got you.

heisasadcliche posted 11/9/2019 13:50 PM

Thanks tushnurse. X trying very hard to be brave!

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/9/2019 21:38 PM

No, you're not being hard. You are taking care of yourself. That's exactly what you should be doing. You matter. He does not.

staystrong101 posted 11/10/2019 06:17 AM

Heisasadcliche, I’m so sorry he is putting you through this. And your name is perfect because that’s exactly what he is. Your WH is a classic, textbook cheater. He wanted OW and was ready to leave his Family. Now she has another date, and “God’s gift to women” had a reality check, so he thinks you’re always available as plan B. I just want to say you’re doing a fabulous job handling all this.

I’d suggest you speak with a lawyer right away to find out your rights. My XWH also tried to write out finances. I got a lawyer and found out I was entitled to much more than he tried to get me to agree on. My ex also wanted stay in the M after his A blew up. Just like you, I was realizing how long he had been lying, not being present when he was with me, etc.,I filed for D and it was the best decision I ever made, I told him we were going to D. And over time, after he worked on himself, we could think about dating again. I was not going to put my life on hold while he got his shit together. Only you can decide what’s best for . But seeing a lawyer may take away some of the fear of the unknown. You are strong. You will get through this with dignity! Good luck.

ChamomileTea posted 11/10/2019 07:19 AM

Agreed with Staystrong... you're going a great job. Your WH has fired you from the job of caring what he thinks or reporting your location. He has made himself an unsafe receptacle for your innermost feelings. It is no longer any of his business what you're thinking or where you're going... and HE made that decision, not you.

I also agree that seeing an attorney is merited. The WS sometimes acts like they're being fair with the finances, but cheaters are inherently dishonest individuals. So, you don't want to give him time to hide assets or run up debt in your name.

heisasadcliche posted 11/10/2019 09:06 AM

Totally agree with all the recent advice. Thanks all. He's such a cake eater right now. Except I am off the menu. X

[This message edited by heisasadcliche at 10:14 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 11/10/2019 11:40 AM

He may be one of those people that “wants what he can’t have”.

And right now he may believe he can get you back at any time.

It doesn’t work like that. Ever see the movie She’s The One with Jennifer Aniston. Watch it. H cheats. Wants to marry OW.

I won’t give it away but the BS uses the mind “a day late and $ short”. Very funny

ShatteredSakura posted 11/10/2019 11:48 AM

Mine is like that too (about coming back at any time). Goes to therapy and says she wants to work on herself and figure things out...while shacking up with AP and sleeping with him every night.

What warped thoughts these cheaters have!

Chrysalis123 posted 11/10/2019 11:53 AM

He's such a cake eater right now. Except I am off the menu. X

Love!!!

I am sorry, I somehow missed your thread. I am so sorry he did this to you. You are doing great. Keep on keeping on!

heisasadcliche posted 11/10/2019 12:06 PM

He messaged today after seeing all his stuff in the spare room and asked if we had any chance so I rang, to offer a face to face. But he had made plans for lunch ( guess who with? Nah, it's too easy!!) Here is his reply.
Thoughts?!!!

"I got hope because you called, if I was a write off you wouldn't have bothered. You're right, I should have taken the chance today but I was nervous that if I gave her back word and you gave up on me, I'd be alone, not this afternoon but onwards, if there is another time please say"

I wanted to see him to explain how far from any chance he was while still meeting her, clearly he's looking like such a catch right now.

[This message edited by heisasadcliche at 12:13 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

ChamomileTea posted 11/10/2019 12:24 PM

If you let him come back on his terms rather than yours, you're going to end up with the same cheating narc who abandoned you.

What he's telling you, and really clearly too, is that it's NOT about love and caring for YOU. It's about what you can do for him. It's about making sure he's still central in your life and that you're still waiting around to be the best wife-appliance you can be. Look at it this way, if it had been about you and his fear of losing you from his life, he would have employed some empathy, put himself in your shoes, and he would have understood that he was injuring you.

Spend some time today reading up on narcissism. We've only got a few posts to go on and you've got over two decades of personal experience, but from here, he sure sounds like he fits the profile.

Just remember that you deserve more than what he's offering, and if he can't/won't make you a better partner than he has in the past, he's just 180 pounds of dead weight who's holding you back from a better life. YOU matter. That's your boundary, and people who don't treat you respectfully should bounce off like you've got a force-field around you.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/10/2019 13:45 PM

I didn't quite parse his reply heisasadcliche, but I think I got the gist....he is wondering if there's hope with you, but was too afraid of being alone, so he's going out to lunch with OW because if he didn't he'd lose her too?

Holy Fucking Assholery.

He doesn't want to be alone. But people like that SHOULD be alone/single to sort out their feelings and stop hurting the BS, geez.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:45 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

nekonamida posted 11/10/2019 13:54 PM

He sounds like he's preemptively blaming you for him still being with the OW. Like if you just do everything for him and commit to him forever no matter what, he wouldn't have to see her again. It's ridiculous and probably not even true if you did commit and do all the heavy lifting of R for him because he is such a cake eater.

Don't meet up with him. Don't even entertain the idea that he needs any further input from you to change his mind. He's an adult with the ability to figure it out. Doesn't take a genius to see that R can't happen while he's still seeing the OW. If he did a Google search, everything he'd read would tell him to drop OW if he wants R. He's not genuinely trying to see if R is possible. He's testing the waters to see how long you will wait for him as plan B and if you'd accept another period of him dating OW and you.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 1:55 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

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