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He wants his AP after all. Gutted.

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heisasadcliche posted 11/11/2019 17:34 PM

He turned up at my house tonight because he is, so he says, finally realising what he wants.

FFS. He declined the offer of a meet up yesterday as he'd made plans to lunch with her and didn't want to let her down in case she got annoyed and then, if it didn't work out with me he'd end up alone long term....

I have spent the last week quietly starting to accept the end of us, realising that trust is gone, his betrayal of us all is a really big deal and that he is behaving in a selfish, self centered way. That he is toxic and not in control of himself, is bad for me and a total drain on my fairly limited emotional, mental and physical reserves.

I had cut off as much contact as possible since Sunday afternoon and had a manageable day today as a result.

Then this....
He says (it may be true, it may be true for him now but subject to change at any time, it may be lies) that
1. He is truly sorry
2. He now knows what we have is the real thing
3. He does not love her
4. He will do all he can to win me back
5. He said lots that I thought 'yes, but I've heard it before mate'

I have told him that he deserves to work on himself for his sake and the boys. That it is more than likely too late for me, that I loved him and would have done anything for us.

I also said that if I met him now I wouldn't date him so why would I want to be married to him? I said he had SO MANY chances and why now, just as I am getting my head around being alone is he back messing with me?

Also, I asked him why suddenly he was not on with her. Apparently they had a row because he's been down about the end of us and she stormed off from the yoga class they were at. At the end they spoke again and he finished (again) with her.

THIS is the background to his latest apology/ change of heart.

Dear wise ones, do any of you think he is genuine? My instinct is to keep NC with him as much as possible and let him crack on. IF he is genuine he will act accordingly regardless of my support or otherwise while I live my best life.

PS I am worried about his state of mind. I know he is not my responsibility but he is my boy's dad and I want him sane and safe. I think he reads my posts on here...

HellFire posted 11/11/2019 17:39 PM

I tend to be blunt.

He tried her out, and she didn't live up to the fantasy he had of her.

Now he wants to come back, he wants a soft place to fall. She didn't work out. You are Plan B.

What if she had been who she portrayed herself to be? He wouldn't be knocking on your door.

Don't be an option. Respect yourself. He doesn't.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:40 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

Cooley2here posted 11/11/2019 17:40 PM

I just read an article about how many men secretly continue to see their mistresses after Dday. He hasnít stopped being in contact with her. I always hope for R but, so far, his actions are so wishy washy that how can you depend on anything?

I wish you luck with this. Please make sure you look after your health. To me that is the most important thing you can do for your children.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/11/2019 17:47 PM

He tried her out, and she didn't live up to the fantasy he had of her.

Now he wants to come back, he wants a soft place to fall. She didn't work out. You are Plan B

Last year (Aug 2018), after pleading with WW daily to come back (we temporarily "separated" she got a one month rental, but spent 99% of her time at AP) I finally gave up, started thinking I need to accept it's over, and blocked her on gchat and social media.

Literally the same day my phone is ringing off the hook and text messages asking "can we talk?? I really want to come back home". After like the 5th time she called I broke down and talked.

She got into a fight with the AP over him not wanting to bring her to a wedding he was going to, and she saw it as a "red flag" of him not committing to her. And she wanted to come back and was apologetic.

Well nothing really got better, and several months later in Jan of this year, she and he started sleeping together secretly until I found out about it in June (well it became an open secret, she didn't stop, even when we did MC). I was an idiot for letting myself be her Plan B so she didn't have to be single and be alone with herself.

I would bet some money if I stayed strong I would be in a better place today. 2019 sucked more than 2018.

IMO, there isn't a rush. If he really means it (which I kinda doubt from your story), he can wait a little bit and just be single for a while until he gets his head on straight.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 5:48 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

ChamomileTea posted 11/11/2019 18:42 PM

It sounds like he had a spat with his OW and now he's freaking out, worried he'll end up alone. Just desserts if you ask me, and actually, it happens more than cheaters think. One day, they're in the catbird seat trying to decide whose kibbles are the most flavorful, and the next they're persona non grata with both parties. APs tend to be flaky anyway, hence their involvement with married people. And erstwhile loving spouses tend to get fed up with unending merry-go-round.

I can't tell you what to do. I don't have to live with your choices. But what I can tell you is that if you change nothing than nothing changes. Your WH has changed nothing. No meaningful therapy, no introspection, no grand gestures, no empathy, no understanding of the scope of what his betrayal has done to you. I think your plan to wait and see if he's capable of making changes is a good one. OTOH, if you're thinking of ripping off the band-aid and going straight to D, you don't owe him any further consideration. He's not a child. He knew what he was doing and he knew it would cost him your love and devotion. He absolved you of further responsibility for him when he discarded you.

((big hugs))

rugswept posted 11/11/2019 18:51 PM

It appears that she didn't want him the way he thought he wanted her.

She's one of those fun types: yoga sessions, partying with friends, hot guy to hang out with, fun stuff. No room for real life: cooking, washing dishes, laundry, sharing the bed, waking up to each other EVERY day, cleaning the house, putting out the trash, making the beds, folding the clothes. Nope. None of that.

So... she just wanted a BF and that was it.
So now you're Plan B until he finds some other yoga pants hottie who's looking for the BF.

He's now very worried he ends up with no one, nothing.

But, alas, you've figured out his gig. You know where he is and you know he did try to replace you, completely.

So you started your post with "He wants his AP after all...".... the sequel is "the AP doesn't want him ... after all". They could, however, settle right back in to fun stuff only. They might both really like that.

tushnurse posted 11/11/2019 21:45 PM

Hesa you are absolutely correct. if he really means it he will do the work and become unsafe partner for you.
If he is just wanting to ensure plan B it will be obvious pretty quickly.
Make your demands.
NC with OW
IC for himself
A detailed timeline for his activities
So on. Let him do some heavy lifting for 60 days. Then reevaluate.

fareast posted 11/11/2019 22:01 PM

Absolutely what tushnurse has advised. Go back to your post on November 3 in this thread. You laid out specific demands he would have to meet to even be considered for possible R. Tell him you have laid out your boundaries. If he wants the M he has to meet your demands. Be vigilant. This guy is so screwed up with this mid-life fantasy crap, and he keeps yo-yoing back and forth putting you through an emotional hell. Keep moving forward. You have told him what he needs to do.

annanew posted 11/11/2019 23:28 PM

You already laid it all out very clearly:

This is what I can offer- get a flat, get a new job, get clear of her. End your addiction. Work on the reasons why you did this and become someone who can remember what it's like to do the right thing again. Then you will be safe enough for us start to think about a future. That's all I can offer and you're bloody lucky to get this chance. Don't bother to reply right now.Think really hard and show me by your actions.Thats all I will look at, anyone can say sorry. Deeds not words.

This ridiculous dance of his is because he wants you to make it easy for him. He wants you to guarantee that if he gives her up, you will be there to pick him up. Please do no such thing. You will set yourself up for years of misery. He will bounce back and forth and it will be so hard on you. Please please stay strong now, for your future self. Give him no guarantees. Tell him there may only be a 10% chance that you will want him back after he does all the extensive work needed. He needs to be willing to take that risk if he wants to be someone who deserves you.

The1stWife posted 11/12/2019 04:44 AM

Heís very good at talking - not very good at actions unfortunately.

IMO I would continue down your path of separating and becoming less involved with him. And see what happens.

I understand you are concerned for him but there is nothing you can do to help him. He has to start helping himself.

My H did the yo-yo thing with me for months. He never moved out but he wanted a D, next minute I was the love of his life and then he wanted a D yet again. I went along with it until Dday2. I finally had enough. Told him he had to leave and I was D him.

Thatís when things started to change.

Donít take him back. His words mean nothing. His actions mean everything. If heís too lazy or unwilling to work on himself and his issues, if you take him back you will end up right back where you are now.

annb posted 11/12/2019 05:37 AM

I agree with the others.

You are plan B.

He just had lunch with OW on Sunday? Is this a guy who is remorseful?

All talk, no action.

No way would I believe his words. He's proven himself untrustworthy. Nothing's changed.

Sorry.

Frankly posted 11/12/2019 06:20 AM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:58 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

bookworm19 posted 11/12/2019 06:22 AM

Be strong, he is not safe. He is still sitting on two chairs, testing both of you. If a guy wants to sit on two chairs his nuts ar bound to be squeezed... hard
Don't be a plan B, you are worth so much more.

HellFire posted 11/12/2019 07:48 AM

So a date on a calendar is the reason he started to come out of the fog. Not you crying. Not all of the many discussions the two of you have had. Not the previous separation. Not the pain he has seen in your eyes. Not the pain he caused his kids.


And he told her it was over?

I suggest a polygraph before you even consider giving him a chance.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:49 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/12/2019 08:01 AM

why now, just as I am getting my head around being alone is he back messing with me?
(my bold added)


This is why. You are moving on without him. He doesn't like that. He wants you to desperately want him.

No, he is not genuine. He is using you as plan B. He admitted he was stringing the both of you along so he wouldn't end up alone.

squid posted 11/12/2019 08:04 AM

Frankly,

I don't think you should be here. I don't know if heisasadcliche pointed you here, but this really shouldn't be a place for you. Go over to the Wayward Side and post there. Being here only allows you to further manipulate your BW, which you've apparently been doing all along.

heisasadcliche,

I agree with the 60 day re-evaluation. As long as ass-hat is still contacting the AP, then the affair is still happening. I don't see how he finally has a light-bulb moment and wants to suddenly turn things around in just a couple days. I've seen that manipulative behavior enough around here to call bullshit on it. Kick him out of the house and have him to prove to you that he's safe. Give him your requirements in no uncertain terms. If he waivers AT ALL then that's it. No more do-overs. File and move on with your life.

Dear wise ones, do any of you think he is genuine? My instinct is to keep NC with him as much as possible and let him crack on. IF he is genuine he will act accordingly regardless of my support or otherwise while I live my best life.

He is playing you. Don't worry about his state of mind. Only worry about your own. He will manipulate you as long as you let him. And as soon as this toy has lost its sheen, he'll discard and look for another. NC and 180 are your only ways out of this.

So sorry you're here.

sassylee posted 11/12/2019 12:17 PM

Stay strong Hesasadcliche. Youíve read his past posts. Compare his words to the remorseful WSís that post here. Listen to your gut.

heisasadcliche posted 11/12/2019 12:35 PM

Thanks, he emailed me what the mods removed. Thanks mods for trying. x

I know he reads this. I am going to crack on and live, we shall see if his words become deeds. In the meantime I give no guarantees as I am in no fit state to know and unlike him I don't say things I can't at least try to hold fast to for more than a day....

Today has been hellish, just trying to get on and not go over and over and over it all after last night.

ChamomileTea posted 11/12/2019 12:45 PM

If you ask for a name change, I'm thinking the mods would grant it. All you need to do is open up a "mod please" thread.

EllieKMAS posted 11/12/2019 13:04 PM

He says (it may be true, it may be true for him now but subject to change at any time, it may be lies) that
1. He is truly sorry
2. He now knows what we have is the real thing
3. He does not love her
4. He will do all he can to win me back
5. He said lots that I thought 'yes, but I've heard it before mate'

1. No he isn't. Truly sorry is remorseful, anything else is just the same self-serving bullshit he has been doing.
2. I know it was real for you, but he was just arguing with his girlfriend 4 days ago... so... how is it that his M could all of a sudden be 'the real thing'?
3. Well, I agree with him on that one. He doesn't love anything or anyone half as much as he thinks about himself.
4. How about starting with the list of very reasonable demands you made of him earlier on this post? None of which he has done.
5. Yes ma'am you have heard it all before. It was bullshit then and it is bullshit now.

You know he is completely full of baloney HIASC. Your instinct to keep NC with him is spot on. And you are exactly right - if he is serious about changing, then it shouldn't matter if you're NC with him or not.

Still sucks tho - I am so sorry.

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