Return to Forum List

Return to General® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Why can't I just leave ?!

DestroyedWife80 posted 11/5/2019 00:55 AM

I feel like such a fool, an idiot! I don't understand how I can KEEP finding stuff & not just leave.

The1stWife posted 11/5/2019 04:51 AM

Do you have a support team?

Friends and family, trusted clergy or minister (if you are into religion) a day good counselor for you are the needs right now.

Do you have a plan in place for when you leave?

Tallgirl posted 11/5/2019 05:02 AM


Leaving is difficult. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I havenít called it. You are not alone...

Some of my reasons are...

- fear of being alone
- what if he becomes a good husband, and I let him go
- everything will change, I donít seem to be ready yet
- what if could work.

These are all things I can get through if I felt whole, I am slowly coming back after being gutted to the core. Clarity comes in time.

When I am ready, he will be the second to know.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:03 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Emotionalhell posted 11/5/2019 06:10 AM

You are not alone. I have ask myself the same question.
I am in IC working on myself so I can become stronger. I want to be totally at ease with whatever decision I make.
There are couples that stay together just bc....
Itís convenient
They canít afford a divorce
Family expectations
Stage of life

Donít pressure yourself. You have a right to take as much time as you want. He was the one not true.... forget what he wants.

annb posted 11/5/2019 06:10 AM

You've been married less than two years.

Your happiness should not depend on him.

Find a good support system and seek therapy.

Is this the way you want to live the next year, two years, five years?

You deserve better, there is happiness out there without this toxicity in your life.

Once you make the decision to get out, I think you will feel a great sense of relief.

Buzzy posted 11/5/2019 06:18 AM

Under two years! it probably wont get any better. Dont live your life worrying every time he is late home or texting on his phone. Who you think he is, is an illusion. Leave you deserve much better.

nekonamida posted 11/5/2019 06:27 AM

You leave by taking one step at a time. Get an IC and then see a lawyer even if it's just to get the information for when you are ready.

secondtime posted 11/5/2019 08:52 AM


You'll leave when you are ready.

It always takes me a while to process. I actually don't start processing until at least a year after DDay.

In the meantime...I think doing the 180 and focusing on yourself would be a good strategy.

DevastatedDee posted 11/5/2019 09:18 AM

You aren't a fool or an idiot, and I believe that you will leave. I don't believe that you'll condemn yourself to a marriage with him long-term. I believe that you are inching closer and closer to the point of leaving and you asking yourself this question is another step.

I was only married for a short time too when I found out that my XWH was having sex with prostitutes. It took me some time to get out of the pure shock of it and actually see him for who he is. It is a devastating shock to do so and your brain will fight you on it. Once you accept that he is who he is, you will likely be done with this marriage and start to choose yourself.

This kind of trauma is HARD to come to terms with and it is a rare person who does so gracefully.

Evermore posted 11/5/2019 10:28 AM

Do what helps you heal that day, if it is keeping the WS in your life, that is ok. You are not a fool for not being quick to decide. Everyone needs to go at their own pace.

Staying gave me a sense of control in a situation where I felt my control was lost.

bella444 posted 11/5/2019 11:40 AM

DestroyedWife80 - I feel your pain.

crazyblindsided posted 11/5/2019 14:51 PM

You leave by taking one step at a time. Get an IC and then see a lawyer even if it's just to get the information for when you are ready.

^^^This it takes time and takes when you are ready. Keep detaching and watching actions. Definitely form a support system and start going to an IC.

I feel like I was a very slow learner. I guess I had to go through it all to get to done, but you will know when you get there. I lived in limboland for years it was hell on earth.

What done felt like to me was wanting out of the marriage more than wanting to be in it. Also that I needed to save myself or nobody would.


OptionedOut posted 11/5/2019 15:10 PM

You've only been married two years?

Like others have said, It's not likely to get any better. And is being with someone who you will never fully trust for the next 40-60 years okay with you?

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2020 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy