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Betrayed Spouse Having Sex With Somebody Other Than The Wayward

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Butforthegrace posted 11/5/2019 07:23 AM

We see the term "Revenge Affair" often used as shorthand to describe this, but there can be many reasons a BS might have sex with another person after a Dday besides revenge. For example, one feeling that many BS's experience is an overwhelming sense of sexual rejection from the WS. Often, during the course of an A, the WS picks fights with the BS, withholds sex, demeans and ignores the BS, and generally makes the BS feel unwanted, often adding to this by gaslighting. By the time Dday arrives, the BS is burdened by and overwhelming sense that the only thing he or she wants is to feel desired, by somebody, anybody.

So the BS commiserates with somebody, a simpatico person of the opposite sex (in some threads here on SI it has been the OBS). And that emotional catharsis leads to a connection, which in turn leads to sex.

I reject the glib notion, often stated here on SI, that this somehow brings the BS down to the level of the WS. I understand how it likely muddies the waters in terms of a possible R, but I dont agree that a BS seeking refuge from the storm created by the WS is the same as a WS who decides in the first place, in a marriage devoid of infidelity, to cheat.

Yes, I understand that the WS's A in the first place may come from a shitty marriage in which the WS him- or herself may feel undesired. That goes to whether R is feasible or even adviseable.

In my own case I was dumped for the AP. There were all of the usual signs leading up to it: she was out more often, later, less predictably; she became irritable and distant; sex tapered off. When she finally dumped me, I was that betrayed person feeling rejected, commiseration with a simpatico person with whom I fell quickly into a sexual relationship. It was like a drink of water for a man dying of thirst.

Later, when my WxGF's fling with the AP proved to be short lived, and she made overtures about getting back together, I told her I would not ever give anybody a chance to do that to me twice. But I will admit I obtained some sense of revenge when I showed up at a school event for WxGF's son in the company of a new gf who was younger and stunningly beautiful and clearly into me. So, though my re found relationship didn't originate from a place of revenge, the tich of revenge it serendipitously provided was a bit of icing on the cake. The look in WxGF's eyes upon meeting rebound for the first time was priceless.

hikingout posted 11/5/2019 09:07 AM

I was that betrayed person feeling rejected, commiseration with a simpatico person with whom I fell quickly into a sexual relationship. It was like a drink of water for a man dying of thirst.

But, you were now again a single man who was free to drink. Yes, you might have gotten back on the horse out of desperation, but you weren't cheating.

Let me ask you this, had she stayed and not dumped you for the AP, what would have been your actions? Would you have stayed and worked it out (forgetting what you know now)? Would you have broken up? Would you have just cheated back? You are comparing apples and oranges, you went and got laid after getting dumped. You didn't go and having an affair on someone because they had an affair on you. I would purpose you are mixing some scenarios that are not the same.

ChamomileTea posted 11/5/2019 09:29 AM

You either believe in monogamy and faithfulness or you don't. When you allow the circumstances of your life to goad you into acting against your own belief system, you either don't have true, grounding beliefs or you're injuring yourself.

As BS, if we don't really believe in monogamy and faithfulness, what the hell are we crying about? And if we do, but we act out in such a way as to not honor our own value system, haven't we opened up a hole in our own character where actions don't meet words? We've lost the moral high-ground, not just with our WS but more importantly... with ourselves. Our character becomes just as specious and that of the WS, just as reckless and inconstant. Our value system has become conditional.

No matter what reasoning a BS gives themselves, sex outside the marriage makes us into the very thing which harmed us, and after that... there's no place for the pain to go. It's not like it resolves the pain of betrayal. You're still betrayed, because underneath it all you still believe your WS should have remained faithful. Only now, you've got nowhere to put those feelings, no way to process them, because you're the same... someone who claims to believe in one thing, but when push comes to shove, chooses to do another.

It's not like we all don't understand the impetus. Most of us have at least toyed with the idea. But if we think there should be boundaries within a monogamous relationship, doesn't it make more sense to either install and maintain those boundaries with a like-minded partner? Whether the WS can correct the character flaws which made cheating okay or whether we find a new partner altogether, why would it make sense to rend our own character rather than protect our true beliefs? We become that which has done us injury.

DevastatedDee posted 11/5/2019 09:34 AM

This doesn't read like an RA story, though. This is a story of being left by the WS and having sex with another person. So I don't know why there would be any judgment here unless you think that until the ink is dry on the divorce papers that both parties should be faithful. Could be a year or more for some of us, so that's asking a lot.

Justsomelady posted 11/5/2019 09:35 AM

By this logic, wouldn’t we then also justify affairs in the first place?

I know someone who was frustrated w her drug addict emotionally abusive husband and had an affair. She wasn’t justified in having an affair to my mind and should have just left him. But I empathize w her. She also needed a safe haven from the storm and had been starved of any human touch or kindness and was unable to take action until someone showed her affection/interest.

I don’t see how it would be any different in her scenario if we see affairs as a form of abuse.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:48 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 11/5/2019 09:45 AM

My initial point is that not all BS's who sleep with another person do it for revenge. Some do it because it is the only source of a trickle of feeling good inside an avalanche of feeling bad.

As to what I would have done, I dont know. I was a very young man then, a lot of fire in my belly. The relationship was intense in many ways.

Justsomelady posted 11/5/2019 09:50 AM

And that is exactly why some people have affairs. Not all. Many are selfish wayeards. But many are out there with shitty BSs and they seek the trickle of comfort - exactly as you mentioned- in someone else.

Still wrong. But I don’t see the difference between the wayward in my example and your frustrated BS example

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:54 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 11/5/2019 09:52 AM

My initial point is that not all BS's who sleep with another person do it for revenge. Some do it because it is the only source of a trickle of feeling good inside an avalanche of feeling bad
.


I can certainly appreciate that, and I can empathize with those who toy with the idea. But, as a WS, I know the pain of not holding onto my integrity and moral beliefs because I needed a source of a trickle of feeling good inside an avalanche of feeling bad. This is how I cheated! What you just said. I was numb, depressed, and desperate. I get that my H was an innocent victim and in these situations where the WS struck first not so much. But, cheating back is not the way to prop yourself up, just like cheating to begin with shouldn't have been the way to prop myself up. It's never going to be good logic to do that, because of the damage it does to THEM not to the WS.

I know you can't speculate on what you would have done as a young man. I like to think you wouldn't have cheated back with all the other options you would have had instead. Something tells me you were healthier than she was, you were just too young and too caught up to see it.

Oldwounds posted 11/5/2019 10:00 AM

It's wayward thinking to rationalize sleeping with someone other than your spouse.

Period.

End of the story.

One may have mitigating circumstances but it doesn't make the choice to cheat -- right or correct.

Justifying cheating is also wayward thinking.

Legally, trying to justify a crime by saying, "But they did it FIRST," does not absolve one of illicit actions or the consequences of said actions.

ChamomileTea posted 11/5/2019 10:15 AM

Some do it because it is the only source of a trickle of feeling good inside an avalanche of feeling bad.

Same as the WS... looking for external validation instead of being emotionally self-sustaining.

silverhopes posted 11/5/2019 10:18 AM

I know someone who was frustrated w her drug addict emotionally abusive husband and had an affair. She wasn’t justified in having an affair to my mind and should have just left him. But I empathize w her. She also needed a safe haven from the storm and had been starved of any human touch or kindness and was unable to take action until someone showed her affection/interest.

This hits me hard. If it weren't for SI and the reminder that my integrity is worth more (and that I don't need anyone to save me - I can be strong enough on my own emotionally to withstand the ongoing abuse - physical as well as emotional, though he is in jail now so no more physical abuse), this is probably what I would be doing. I can't count how many times I've imagined what it would be like to be with someone who treats me well and the sheer loneliness and yearning behind that... But that would be a mirage. That wouldn't offer relief, and I would have trashed my integrity deliberately, and that's something I wouldn't be able to walk away from.

Plus, all the other caveats that go along with that: 1) I wouldn't just be betraying my abusive husband; I would be betraying my son too. I would be betraying myself, even if I hid that reality from myself for a while. 2) An AP, who would so willingly step into someone else's mess like that, isn't a healthy person. It's very likely I could be getting myself into an even worse mess, extra so if it turns out they're abusive too. My picker is already proven to be broken - better to just not pick anyone at all! 3) I don't want to act like a victim, and having an A would be doing exactly that. 4) And I'm not even remotely healthy enough to be around people in that fashion - even if I were free of my H (which I've tried to tell him repeatedly now, that I want out), I still wouldn't be healthy enough to be with anyone romantically or sexually. Hell, I'm barely healthy enough for most friendships - isolation has helped more over time, once I adjusted.

5) Ego kibbles last longer when they're internally given. Validate yourself.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:22 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 11/5/2019 10:39 AM

For example, one feeling that many BS's experience is an overwhelming sense of sexual rejection from the WS.
I can buy that.

What I can't buy is the thought process that says fucking someone else is going to assuage the pain, even a little bit.

The cure for the rejection that is part of any A is either R or D.

A relationship with someone else while dealing with infidelity wastes energy.

Darkness Falls posted 11/5/2019 11:10 AM

My H had a rebound thing with a “friend” of mine after I cheated. He says he didn’t do it for revenge—just to feel wanted and validated. While not younger nor prettier, she was supposedly a friend of mine and so obviously there was an element of getting even—I’ll never believe otherwise. He says it was her because it (she) was easy. He didn’t have to put forth effort to seduce someone new—which, since he’s about the least seductive person alive, I guess I believe to an extent. Either way, while he didn’t “cheat” the way I did, he did commit adultery, so. Hope his getting even was worth it, because I don’t respect him any more than he respects me. Probably less, because at least my AP and I had feelings for each other—his rebound fuck was just the first skank who spread her legs.

twisted posted 11/5/2019 11:17 AM

It's hard to not be able to justify what some call a "revenge affair". I was in a "open" marriage for 14 years, except someone forgot to tell me about it.
When I found out, NOW it's it's suppose to be monogamous? From this point forward I'm supposed to follow the rules she ignored?
Really?

It's a hard argument to make, isn't it?

Oldwounds posted 11/5/2019 11:22 AM

It's a hard argument to make, isn't it?

No. Not at all.

Why would I lower my values and standards because someone else did?

We either value the right choice or we don't -- I would hope we're not all waiting for a 'reason' to cheat.

If I don't want to be a part of the 'rules' because my wife broke them, then I can walk away any time I want, I don't need to have sex with someone else to balance what cannot be balanced.

DevastatedDee posted 11/5/2019 11:23 AM

It's hard to not be able to justify what some call a "revenge affair". I was in a "open" marriage for 14 years, except someone forgot to tell me about it.
When I found out, NOW it's it's suppose to be monogamous? From this point forward I'm supposed to follow the rules she ignored?
Really?
It's a hard argument to make, isn't it?

This is one of those things that everyone here will never agree on. I am with you, personally. I didn't know that I was in an open marriage either, but it certainly does appear that was the case. I do not have it in me to feel guilt about "breaking my vows" considering what an absolute joke my marriage clearly was. Now, I will advise against an RA for a bunch of reasons, but not one of them is "because you should be faithful no matter how many people your WS sleeps with".

mondas posted 11/5/2019 13:22 PM

Why is it hard for WS to understand that there is no RA when you already broke the vows. There is no marriage at that point in the eyes of god unless you both decide to reconcile which usually doesn't happen when “RA” happens.

Buzzy posted 11/5/2019 13:32 PM

That supposes that there is a god(s)

mondas posted 11/5/2019 13:41 PM

And wow darkness falls. You been here a long time and you still minimize your affair. You claim that your affair is more justified because “you had feelings” for your ap? What about the fact that you had humiliated your husband and his feelings and his marriage after your affair. and you had the audacity to see his affair as worse then you because he had NSA sex to regain his manhood when he didn't have proper support and guidance like this site here? He is far better than you because he probably wouldn't have thought about breaking his vows before you did.

Also, i find it hilarious that no wayward/ exwayward calls her out on her statement/ mentality like she is posting here about her husband/ affair. Just because you are regretting your second marriage don't try to put yourself in positive light here.

Oldwounds posted 11/5/2019 13:43 PM

That supposes that there is a god(s)

Even if someone is not a person of faith, ethics are still presumably involved in the choices we make.

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