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Unsupportive Sister

FamilyMan75 posted 11/9/2019 21:24 PM

Like I said in an earlier thread. My sister is in the midst of a now very ugly divorce after she cheated on my brother in law. They had a bad couple of years, according to my sister but who knows, but not my problem. Ironic though after how she attacked my wife following finding out about the cheating.

Anyway, she had come to drop off my oldest daughter after she took her and my nephew to a movie. We talked out in the car (away from both my daughter and nephew) and naturally, my wife was brought up.

She asked me how I was doing and I kept it brief and said it was better but there was some anxiety on my part about my wife going back to work. She told me what she thought I needed was to go out, flirt and sleep with another woman. Her "opinion" is my wife is never going to fully change or fully understand what she had done if she doesn't feel what being cheated on feels like

I told her that was the most idiotic thing I have ever heard, and can't see how it would help.

She basically told me, being a doormat wasn't doing me any good, was it.

I ended the conversation shortly after that.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 9:25 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

LifeSong posted 11/9/2019 22:25 PM

Well your sister is an idiot. I said what I said.

pureheartkit posted 11/10/2019 00:01 AM

Time to get the sister out of the wayward negativity. Send her the required reading. Tell her it's never too late to make a better choice.

Tell her you're done with infidelity and the agony it causes. Wake up sister and be a voice for good. Revenge never made anything better, that's an illusion some people have. Healing others and helping, now that's something that will transform humanity.

The1stWife posted 11/10/2019 02:18 AM

Just because that is how your sister would handle things doesnít make it the right choice for you. I donít agree with her suggestion if a revenge affair but she has a good point.

Your cheater of a wife wonít know or understand the pain of infidelity - itís just not in her DNA. Maybe if it happened to her she could possibly understand the pain and devastation.

Ignore your sisterís suggestion of a revenge affair. But her comment about not being a doormat has some merit.

ChamomileTea posted 11/10/2019 06:55 AM

Tell her your wife's is (and has been for some time) in intensive therapy and that she should get some for herself because problems aren't solved with other people's genitals.

You are NOT a doormat for choosing to work on R. You have NOT adopted R at all costs. Your boundaries are in place. You do not tolerate further secrecy or deception. You insist on good boundaries from your partner from here on out. And if your sister wants to get into comparisons... you do all that without abusing your family members.

Darkness Falls posted 11/10/2019 08:51 AM

So I assume, then, given your motherís vitriol towards your wife, she holds the same opinion of your sister and her behavior? 🤔

secondtime posted 11/10/2019 09:09 AM

So what are you going to do about it?

It's been a while since I've been totally up on recovery 101, but aren't you supposed to only surround yourself with friends of the marriage?

Do you think your sister is a friend of your marriage?

How do you think your sister is supporting your marital recovery?

Or are you thinking you might not be interested in recovery anymore?


FamilyMan75 posted 11/10/2019 16:44 PM

My sister is deep in her own fog. She is going through a very very hostile divorce. She won't temporary primary custody, and temporary child support/alimony, which is in the attune of 50% (or my sister says) of my brother in laws net income. He is angry, told everyone who will listen that my sister was a whore. That is only fueling her angry. I'm staying out of it because I don't want my wife or myself to be dragged into the drama.

My mother is 100% on my sister's side. I had to limit contact with her because she is so raw, so angry, and it's toxic to me and my family's emotional well being. My children saw the kids at my sister's house because she is acting as the middle person, which I hate to do, but every conversation with my mother lately has turned into an argument.

So far the shutting down the conversation before it starts has been working for now with my sister. My sister overall has stopped bashing my wife for the most part, because I think on some level she knows it'd make her a hipocrite. I don't know.

FamilyMan75 posted 11/10/2019 16:48 PM

So I assume, then, given your motherís vitriol towards your wife, she holds the same opinion of your sister and her behavior?

Nope.

My mother thinks my sister's actions are justified. But she also only has what my sister has told her which from what I am told is that the last few years have been bad. My brother in law apparently is working too much, doesn't spend any time with her and isn't a good husband. I really didn't respond. I just told her now that she chose to cheat, that she'd be a hipocrite to keep on my wife. She reluctantly agreed. She is now able to be in the same room as my wife. She doesnt' like her, and my wife isn't fond of her.

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/10/2019 19:01 PM

My family dynamic sounds similar even though the details are very different. It is hard not to feel supported and to feel second guessed by your own family members.

My family gives unsolicited advice that they exoect me to take since they are right. Over time I began to realize this is how they are in all things, not just this. They see as as a unit with little to no boundaries. I have felt the need over the years to convince them ir get their buy in or defend myself. I know I will hear about it if I don't take their advice. The funmny thing is that it doesn't seem to go the other way around. They make their own decisions and I generally stay out of it.

It was so bad my IC taught me to deal with it by saying...I love you. I heard you. I have considered what you had to say. Then I made my decision.

Also, your sister is totally ridiculous but I doubt she will see it. She probably doesn't see herself as unsupportive at all.

FamilyMan75 posted 11/11/2019 23:33 PM

My sister is in denial. I think she believes her situation is different than my wives. Sure as far as I know my wife had cheated more, but the point is, and my sister doesn't see it, is that they both are in the wrong, and no amount of cheating is okay.

free2016 posted 11/12/2019 02:59 AM

I think there is some jealousy on your sister's part. She sees your wife escaped the most painful consequence of A, a divorce. She is aware of the cheater's mentality and knows how your WW was selfish and disrespectful, yet she keeps her family, and your sister loosing it while being publicly exposed and gossiped about.
You know, cheaters have a screwed sense of fairness, and obviously.
Life is unfair to her

LLXC posted 11/12/2019 23:37 PM

I think there is some jealousy on your sister's part

I completely agree that that might be part of what is going on.

I also think your sister might be projecting herself on to your wife - she'd never get it so therefore your wife won't either.

This projection might be wrong, or it might be right. Your sister might be right, or your wife might get it. Only your wife can know the truth, and all you can do is see how your wife behaves, and if that behavior makes you feel safe.

I'd also add this. Only you and your wife know what is happening on your relationship. At the same time sometimes only outside observers can see how fucked up things are. Hopefully your therapist c. Help you figure that one out. Good luck.

FamilyMan75 posted 11/15/2019 14:07 PM

Update to announce that those who think she is jealous are correct. She told our mother that she was angry that I kept giving my wife chance after chance, but when she stepped out of the marriage out of desperation to try and save it, he, her husband tells the whole damn world, including their kids what she had done. That is his choice, just as much as it's my right to give my wife another chance or as many chances as I choose too.

Chaos posted 11/15/2019 14:17 PM

Your sister needs to grow the F up.

Just because she's behaving like a whiney schoolgirl "it's not faaaaaiiiiiirrrrrrr - Family's gave his WW another chance and my WH won't give meeeee oneeeeeee"

Well boo fricky fricky hoo.

You don't have to allow yourself to be drug down to her level.

I hope your mother told her to stop whining and work on her own issues and stop worrying about yours.

Edited to get Familyís situation correct. Iím my fingers worked faster than my brain

[This message edited by Chaos at 4:13 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

BluesPower posted 11/15/2019 14:35 PM

Update to announce that those who think she is jealous are correct. She told our mother that she was angry that I kept giving my wife chance after chance, but when she stepped out of the marriage out of desperation to try and save it, he, her husband tells the whole damn world, including their kids what she had done. That is his choice, just as much as it's my right to give my wife another chance or as many chances as I choose too.

Wow, your family has a lot of dysfunction doesn't it?

That is an unheard of level of entitlement...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 2:36 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

FamilyMan75 posted 11/15/2019 15:03 PM

It really is... The funny thing is, my sister used to be the one who hated cheaters, condemned them which she did to my wife. Then to turn out she was doing that very thing. My mom is on her side. I guess if the roles were reversed and I was a serial cheater, it'd still be my wife's fault. But since it's my wife, she is angry, in her words embarrassed that I stay with her. It doesn't help that neither really cared for my wife from the beginning because of the age difference, her lack of education and they just viewed her as simple. Now it's working toward gaining a level of cordial which my sister has reached, but still doesn't like my wife which is fair.

CaliforniaNative posted 11/16/2019 00:29 AM

So all the BIL did was work a lot to support your sister and their kids? That alone deserves to be cheated on? She was depressed she married a workaholic. Then your sister wants to take his kids away and 50% of his paycheck? On top of this judge your wife??? 😳

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 12:31 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/18/2019 23:37 PM

She is in denial when she justifies her own cheating. She also sounds like she is manipulating your mom, but not you.

In general your family sounds a lot like mine which I did not see as dysfunctional before. They are way into each other's business with many opinions. Mine don't like it if someone breaks rank and does their own thing.

Good luck with it. It sounds like you are more at peace with your life than your sister,

elKAPPYtan posted 11/19/2019 11:36 AM

seems like she is looking for someone to be as miserable as she is.

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