SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been really struggling lately with everything my WW did to me and to our family. I am to the point where I just wish she would cheat again so I can be free of all the bullshit. For those that ended up separated or divorced when did you know it was the end of your relationship? When did you KNOW it was time to call it quits?

If I am being totally honest, I think a part of me knew on DDay1. But I wasn't ready to deal.

I knew it was over when I saw flirty messages he had been trading with some random slut while he was ostensibly at the vet 'supporting' me while I put my 15 yo dog to sleep. That moment is when all hope and illusion shattered. That was the moment I knew that whatever person I married was dead and gone.

I think that knowing is different for everyone, so there is no 'right' answer to it. When you know, you'll KNOW.

Like Ellie, deep down I knew on D-Day. But I was so shell-shocked I couldn't even function much less leave him, the most challenging and frightening thing, right as it was.

It took him blaming me for, and abusing me in the wake of a natural disaster that set the switch off in my head.

It finally clicked. This hurricane is not my fault. Why the hell am I still with this asshole? Yup.

When relief at being away from him was greater than joy with him, it was done. When I dreaded anniversaries of our life, I also knew.

The thing is, if you are asking the question, then I say it is time.

Further, you don't have to wait for her to cheat again, if you are done you are done.

Just don't stay when you are not happy, I did and you never get those years back...

Worst decisions of my entire life, to stay, and that is saying something.

When relief at being away from him was greater than joy with him, it was done.

This. Although I still go back and forth on it. There are times I'm excited for our dates and it gets tainted by the past when I think about something they did together. I need to learn to think about now and not then.

More and more I just feel like I need to leave. I just don't feel like fighting for something that obviously meant nothing to her at the time. She is trying to do all the right things but I feel like the damage is just too much to repair

I am waiting for that light bulb moment. Married 31 years, so difficult not to give it effort, would be so much easier to throw the towel in. If it's not to be at least I can say I tried.

And

I am truly grateful for the words and insight given by Hikingout as a WS, recently she said it took her 10 months to admit things to herself. It's not a quick journey....

When she came back home a week later and said "I think this is the end of us".

I knew after D day 2 which was less than a month latter D Day1. He was trying to put me in false R. NOPE. A person that would put someone through false R after seeing the devastation the affair put the family in is broken and selfish. I was out. I told him to find a place as soon as possible . He moved out 5-6 weeks later. No regrets

When sex was admitted. Over. 100%

DD I knew. We tried (well he did) to reconcile for 1.5 years. In hindsight I was just using him sadistically to keep him in an constant state of self loathing since.

Eventually I started to get bored with that and also realized it was not healthy for either of us.

That is when I started to work on a friendship. I think that is our best hope. I am not sure if that counts as R or not.

It was over the moment the confession was out of his mouth.

I had two deal breakers our entire 30 yr M.

You lay a hand on me in anger-Done

You cheat on me-Done

He knew that. He cheated.

There was never a thought of R.

It was over.

My experience was also like Elle’s it just took me a long time to get comfortable with the thought of leaving until one day it became unbearable to stay in the M and that is when I made my decision to leave.

When it finally got through my thick skull that I would never be/feel safe and happy, and that she was not willing to do the professional work to be safe.

[This message edited by Thomas11 at 7:30 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

I mean this in all sincerity, BUT-Honestly, why wait?! A deal breaker is a deal breaker...you didnt do this, they did. We arent getting any younger and they will lead you along, as long as you let them.

I knew it was over on DD... then one hooker became countless...

Thought I would stick it out until my son got through college...

Fast foward two years and there was a moment of clarity....my husband escalated his abuse toward me, while continuing to shift blame....I pulled the plug and filed... now I get to sit in the house (in house seperation) and wait out the divorse in seperate rooms...probably another year wasted in purgatory, while his ass goes out and continues to party. I have tried to go out, as poor way to cope with his shitty behavior...I dont think like he does, so I end up feeling worse.

Word of advice, if you're not seeing progress (and cant unsee/unlearn) what they did, pull the plug. They arent worth it.

I'm dealing with a narc and I recently saw a great video about disconnecting. I wished the youtuber posted it sooner, it would have helped me...she stated it's better to emotionally disconnect first. This is very true, I learned this the hard way, over the years.

If you are still emotionally invested, they haven't any trouble love-bombing you back in....thus, the cycle of abuse continues...they have a way with this.

As a way of disconnecting, I continued to watch more videos on abuse, it helped me realize he wasn't going to get better, only escalate the behavior.

Before I filed I started investigating financing, even looking at differing states/neighborhoods where I could live...this built my confidence.

It really is true, once you start to disconnect, the fog begins to clear... I have a lot more clarity about my situation.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 1:08 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]