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Lucyjr posted 11/14/2019 06:55 AM

[This message edited by Lucyjr at 9:00 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 11/14/2019 07:12 AM

Hi Lucy. Are you in IC?

Do you have help with your children, family nearby?

Sounds like you need some time to yourself. Self-care.

Lucyjr posted 11/14/2019 07:20 AM

[This message edited by Lucyjr at 9:00 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

Lucyjr posted 11/14/2019 07:21 AM

[This message edited by Lucyjr at 9:00 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

annb posted 11/14/2019 07:35 AM

Hi, Lucy, find a good IC.

Find a support network, if not family, friends, a church group if you are so inclined.

Do something for yourself, a hobby, weekly night out with friends, volunteer, a class. Anything to bring back a bit of joy into your life. Focusing a bit on you will help you feel better. There are probably other moms out there who are in the same situation, seek them out. Online meetups are always posted for varying activities.

It takes YEARS to move through this nightmare, I cannot imagine having to see your xWH regularly.

Focus on you, a nice long bath, a quick trip to a coffee shop to chill, a brisk walk.

tushnurse posted 11/14/2019 07:45 AM

Lucy honey along w/ a good IC you need to talk to your Dr about meds.

You clearly are truly depressed, and honestly this has more to do with chemicals and how your body responded to the trauma and at the same time having a baby.
You need medication to help you reset your chemical balance so that you don't feel this way. Yes you hurt, and yest you will continue to grieve, but you should also be finding joy in your children and life to a certain degree.

Please get the help you need.

Unbelievable35 posted 11/14/2019 07:53 AM

Lucy, I relate very well to your story. I was left in January and waited in wonderment for someone to help me. Things only got harder and harder and I was amazed how no one would help. A stranger was more likely to help than my family. They seemed to not comprehend nor care what I was going through.

Where I'm at now, and looking back, God stripped me of everyone to turn to. He wanted my attention and he got it. It was when I started praying and reading his word that things became much better.

And now that I have learned the power of this, I will pray for you. I hope this helps you in some way.

Odonna posted 11/14/2019 09:01 AM

Lucy,

I know ohforanewme used to look out for you. He is gone now, but let me channel him a bit and also speak for myself and first praise you for disclosing your angst here and understanding you need other people in this. You are in a tough spot and need to forgive yourself for feeling desperate and paralyzed. Reaching out to others is the key to making that change.

So what would you like from your family? Biweekly family potlucks where you just gather and let the cousins play and the adults sip wine and chat? Periodic babysitting so you can get out to dinner with friends or a volunteer activity or a bookclub? Or even just regular phone calls? Some combination?

Once you know better what you want, just approach your family and say what you said here: you were so blindsided and desperate that you are afraid you unwittingly drove them away, and that you are so sorry because you need them so badly, both emotionally, and physically to help with the kids. If you are honest and humble they will respond. Sometimes we BSs get so wrapped up in our drama that it is all we talk about, and people get worn out feeling helpless to help us. Could this be what is going on? If you develop a good plan for the help you seek, and some insight as to what you can do to ask for it and make it easier for them to give it, I think you will be happily surprised.

You really do need time for yourself, too, in order to detach from him and give your brain other things to think about. Even if it is just a 30 minute manicure or a stop at the local library for a new book. If money is an issue clean out your closet and sell things on Craigslist or a local on-line yardnsale site and put hat money aside as your YOU fund. Any kids stuff you sell can go into a separate jar for something fun to do with the kids (and your family), like a corn maze or apple cider mill visit, or even a pizza/movie party on the family room floor in jammies. Start small, but make a plan and enlist your family and friends to help.

Thinking of you!

[This message edited by Odonna at 9:06 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Lucyjr posted 11/14/2019 11:40 AM

[This message edited by Lucyjr at 9:01 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

Unbelievable35 posted 11/14/2019 12:22 PM

It's all about mindset. I was able to heal faster as I started shifting my mindset. I felt very much like a victim in the beginning. Then I realized no one was coming to help me, and it was all up to me. Where did I want to be in a year. Five years. Ten years. I want to be great. I want to do amazing things and be loved by many. That wasn't going to happen with the mindset I had. I had to change it. Unfortunately many people never recognize this and it's why you typically see the cycle repeat itself in many people's lives. You will keep attracting the same things until you can change your mindset. Then you will attract different things.

lovesobroken posted 11/14/2019 12:53 PM

Sometimes I feel accepting the pain and really feeling it needs to be done to heal. I forced myself to walk into the eye of the storm and then things seemed a bit better each time. You have moved on a bit, your kids thriving is q great sign, your request for help is another, you seem to be less lost than you were. Sometimes things take time, and while it may seem others are moving on, your time will come when you are ready. Just try to keep an open mind and try talking to your family to tell them what you need. During my dday in 2012, I felt people around me didn't know how to react too. Having people or activities can be a good distraction and therapeutic too. An IC, support group can be helpful. I tested all my friendships and found two of my friends who listened patiently. Hang in there Lucy. (())

20yrsagoBS posted 11/14/2019 13:25 PM

Lucy?

Maybe a change of scenery?

Take your babies and spend an afternoon at the beach?

If they’re walking, pay them a penny per she’ll they find? That worked great when mine were little

crazyblindsided posted 11/14/2019 14:36 PM

(((Lucyjr))) I’m so sorry I can completely relate. I second the seeing a counselor and meds.

I find that I have some good days but most are really bad lately and like you said no one really wants to hear about it anymore.

I for some reason cannot maintain happiness consistently and it’s exhausting.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:36 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Lucyjr posted 11/14/2019 15:11 PM

[This message edited by Lucyjr at 9:02 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

AnyaL posted 11/14/2019 15:17 PM

* No Soliciting *

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:21 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

northeasternarea posted 11/14/2019 15:40 PM

They now also have a baby that they want my children to play happy families with it’s just another unfair thing to deal with

It is unfair. Use the time that the children are with their father to do things for you. And I second all those who have advised you to get IC to help you process your feelings. (((Hugs)))

The1stWife posted 11/14/2019 15:46 PM

Are there any mom groups in your area? That could provide some help for you.