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our M repeated my parents' dynamics - anyone else?

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keet posted 11/17/2019 21:45 PM

I'm a BS. I went to my first one-on-one session with the MC, before we start doing the real work. It was so damn depressing yet eye opening. I've repeated my mom's marriage dynamics. My dad had no interest in spending time with my mom outside of the house. She wanted to, he didn't, and you can't make someone want to be around you. My mom loved my dad, and accepted him for who he was: a simple, hard working, emotionally unavailable man. Who knows if he was like that in the beginning.

My WH and I had a normal marriage, but after a major loss in our lives (child), he emotionally withdrew. I couldn't really tell the first four years, but after an EA (which I didn't know about), he really changed. He didn't want to spend any time with me outside of our house. He became just like my dad. I reacted just like my mom. I accepted him as emotionally unavailable, and I felt just as sad and rejected as I know she did.

After SEVEN YEARS of living like that, he had an EA which turned into a PA.

So here we are. A perfect stranger pointed out the most obvious thing in the world, and I hate it.

Did anyone else become their parents?

layla1234 posted 11/17/2019 21:57 PM

Yup. And my WH knew about how my dad cheated on my mom twice. Once with a woman 15 years younger while my mom was pregnant with my brother, and then again some 15 years later with the same woman after they reconnected on FB. My WH knew the pain I had as a child going through that twice and he still fucking did it to me and our children.

keet posted 11/17/2019 22:01 PM

layla1234,

Holy fucking CRAP. What a freaking mind-fuck! That just breaks my heart and boils my blood .

Just wow.

Skoochnski posted 11/17/2019 22:33 PM

I believe my husband is repeating what he saw his father do. His father cheated on his mother and it angered him that his father would treat his mother like that. Yet here we are....🤷‍♀️

Children learn what they live. 😞

J707 posted 11/17/2019 22:38 PM

Nope, not at all. But I do wonder/feare what my kids future's entails.

Justgetitoverwith posted 11/17/2019 23:01 PM

Nope. My parents met at about the same age as WH and I, have had no infidelity issues (I do believe my mum would have told me, when my issues came out),and are the most loving couple I know, still holding hands out and about at 70.

WH's parents seem very different though. I've never seen them be affectionate towards each other, or hold hands. It's more like they put up with each other, at least in the interaction I have seen. FIL has been totally silent towards me wrt the infidelity and fallout, but MIL has told me it was unecessary and disgusting that I made it public knowledge - yet afaik she has never said anything about WHs behaviour being disgusting or unnecessary, only that perhaps he should have taken a different path. Lame. Even now, after seeing a sarcastic comment I put on SM about WHs micro cheating, she contacted him and was concerned it may cause him problems. Not concerned that he had done it. I find her a totally unsympathetic character, with dubious morals.

So I am pretty sure WH has his parents attitude to infidelity, and unfortunately that affects me and our dynamics. I'm hoping in time I can show him what a loving couple looks and acts like, on the surface we were, but obv behind my back he had a different attitude. I'd much rather have my parent's relationship than my in law's. I hope WH does too.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/18/2019 06:01 AM

I don't think so.

My mom cheated on my dad. She got pregnant. They divorced when I was 4.

Other than the cheating, I think we are totally different. Still married over 19 years. My fch is very different from both my parents.

We saw a new MC a few times recently. She had us do an exercise where we chose which parent our spouse was most like. Then, we talked about the positive things they shared. Again, except for the cheating, my fch is more like my dad. He did say I'm more like his mom, but still very different from both of his parents.

sisoon posted 11/18/2019 06:26 AM

Nope. I looked almost consciously for someone with whom I could have a very different M than my parents had; and that's how it worked out.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your child, keet.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:27 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

elKAPPYtan posted 11/18/2019 09:14 AM

not my parents dynamics, but her's. Her dad gave her mom everything, and had a high paying job at GM, he worked a ton, but gave her everything. She got bored and didn't want to be a stay at home mom, so she got a job as a bartender, had an affair with a drunk.

Patterns don't always repeat themselves, for instance, her mom abandoned her and her sisters to go live a new life with a loser, but patterns do have a way of repeating themselves in many cases.

fooled13years posted 11/18/2019 09:25 AM

It only takes one generation to break a chain.

While what you experience is part of you it does not define who you are.

Many things in my childhood were bad but I simply chose not to follow that path so my family would not have to experience the same things.

I am sure that I have done, or will do, some things that will have my children deciding to do those differently when they become spouses and parents.

EllieKMAS posted 11/18/2019 09:55 AM

I didn't become them, but my dad is a narcissistic asshat that I have not had a thing to do with in 14 years and it turns out I married a guy just like him. I started seeing that about 7 months into false R and it was all, "What. the. actual. FUCK. is going on here?!?"

Sigh. I certainly thought I was smarter than that but I sure wasn't the first go-round.

crazyblindsided posted 11/18/2019 13:54 PM

Yes ours did . My dad is a narcissist and my mom 'stayed for the kids' she is still not happy. She cheated multiple times on my dad and they were both M'd when they met.

I married a narcissist and almost 'stayed for the kids.' I did end up having a RA after STBX's 1st A. I believe knowing my mom had A's made it easier for me to make that palatable... wrong

My STBX has cheated throughout the M multiple times. We have fought pretty badly in front of the kids (not anymore though I have managed my anger outbursts at STBX and my coping skills).

My kids saw 2 parents who did not really love each other and that's exactly what I grew up with

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:54 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Phoenix1 posted 11/18/2019 14:15 PM

Nope. My father was an ass, but a different kind of ass than Xhole. Different dynamics completely.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Newlease posted 11/18/2019 15:43 PM

My father was an alcoholic - the dynamic in my home growing up was either lots of affection or yelling and fighting. I never learned what good loving communication looks like.

With XWH, we never yelled or raised our voices, but when we were in disagreement, you could hear a pin drop in our house - ice out treatment on both sides. And I was ALWAYS the one to give in and apologize even when it was clearly not me. I just couldn't stand the quiet condemnation.

My father cheated on my mother - more than once, but it was before I was born. My older siblings had to deal with that and a lot more than I did.

My XWH didn't drink much and never raised a hand to me, but he ended up cheating too.

I just hope I didn't screw up my sons too badly with the way we modeled a marriage. I thought by avoiding the yelling that we were doing a good job, but it wasn't healthy at all.

NL

Chicklette posted 11/19/2019 05:56 AM

This post has really made me think. My initial reaction was ďNo! Definitely not in my caseĒ but I keep thinking about it. My Mum had affairs all through their marriage. My Dad did nothing, but now that Iím an adult I realise how distressed he must have been for so long. I can barely remember a time when she didnít have another man around. When I was about 20 she was in a long term relationship with a friend of mine (yep, heís just a year older than me ) and I asked my Dad why he put up with her behaviour. His answer: ďI made my vows before God and I have no intention of breaking themĒ I said ďBut sheís broken them over and overĒ and he replied ďThat is her problemĒ For years I thought it was weak of him, but I wonder. My Mum had a terrible temper and would always put her needs and wants before ours. Did he stay because we were safer with him around? Did he stay because she would stop him seeing us if he left? Iíll never know, but when I found out about WHís sexting Ďrelationshipí with POSOW I really wanted to talk to Dad. Sadly he died in 2000, but Iíd love to get his view on it. I now see his POV about not breaking my vows, and Iím glad I decided to R.

Anyway, all this to say Iím not sure my M has followed my parentsí as WH didnít have multiple affairs and emotionally abuse me and the children, but I now feel a connection with my Dad I never felt before.

elKAPPYtan posted 11/19/2019 07:01 AM

It remains to be seen, but so far we have repeated her parents dynamics.

TrustedHer posted 11/19/2019 07:49 AM

Yes, and No.

To the best of my knowledge, my dad was faithful to my mom, and my mom adored my dad. After he died young (at 49; I was 14), she didn't date for 15 years. I modeled my marriage after theirs. No cheating on my part, and even though I was greatly unsatisfied in my marriage, I never seriously considered ending it.

My XWW, on the other hand...

Her mother had a long-term affair with her best friend's husband, and it was an open secret among the 7 children, even causing speculation who their real father was. XWW was embarrassed by this, and communicated her clear resentment to me many times. I thought I was pretty safe from her falling down that way.

I was wrong.

Unlike my father-in-law, who forced MIL underground but never actually ended up stopping MIL's affair, I eventually divorced.

Apparently XWW expected me to just put up with it and stay married, like her father did. She was surprised.

cancuncrushed posted 11/19/2019 08:53 AM

Exactly. I was even aware of this pattern as early as 15. I watched I read. I made sure my life was nothing like theirs.


I made a list of qualities. I kept to it. My Xwh was Christian. Raised in faith based family. Good people. For generations. College educated. Goals. He seemed to love me. We had same interests. Then years later I learn he is chronic alcoholic. Serial cheater and Npd.

I made the effort. xwh was determined to pull this off. And he did. Now I see how much I am my mother. Why she was like she was. How she reacted. Her depression. She was a zombie. And had walls up My dad was chronic alcoholic.

I hate this. I hate it was deliberate. I think when he was very young , he believed this is what cool guys do.

This lesson has been very obvious to me lately. How all of this affected my relationship with my mom. She was abusive She was alcoholic. It was a bad time. Now I see so many ways she gave up. Gave in. Was broken. Not much would have been different. I see her as human. Iíve let a lot of stuff go.

How crazy is it that I was aware. I educated myself. I protected myself. And it happened. Even years later. Iíve been told you can pick this person with the same potential issues in under 4 seconds. Itís why you are attracted.

Apparently Iím attracted to alcoholic serial cheaters who are abusive and mentally ill

I can only go up from here.

The last company party Xwh and I attended. I watched him. He looked like my dad. He acted like my dad. Dressed like my dad. And he was drunk. He relapsed. I didnít know. I was stunned at how I literally married my dad.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:16 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

keet posted 11/19/2019 15:56 PM

Wow.

keet posted 11/19/2019 15:56 PM

Wow.
Wow to it all.

[This message edited by keet at 3:56 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

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