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our M repeated my parents' dynamics - anyone else?

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Justsomelady posted 11/19/2019 21:08 PM

This is an insightful thread. I don't think i have, at least i didn't see examples at first. Maybe the repetition is me being entitled like my dad...but more contrite and committed to change than he was. It isn't a close comparison though, and esp not for my sweet H, who is not like my mom or father i dont think. I made a conscious choice to date away from a pattern of controlling and selfish types (my dad was no narc and a good man at his core, but his sweetness had unexpected edges mixed w intense criticism, harshness, entitlement and alcoholism issues). So, hubby was a breath of fresh air from a lot of that dynamic. But he was not what I knew, at least not entirely.

However, looking at EA in a fresh light i DO think i sort of repeated a parental pattern in my attraction to OM. Something familiar there but i only saw the evidence after my choice to detach began in earnest, I am still parsing through it. Ive read that if you are i credibly attracted to someone without knowing them, it is a sign of something unhealthy and to run the other way (unless it an infidelity-free fling, i presume). With H i was attracted but it was more emotional/romantic kindredness on a deep level than sexual at first - and the latter has grown much more so now, years later to my surprise).

I think I was trying on old familiar patterns and picking up on unconscious cues from OM with the EA and am glad for many reasons i put a stop to it before escalating. Now i see the flaws and false bravado/confidence in OM. Now i deeply appreciate my husband in new ways. He doesn't drink, smoke, watch porn, is kind, takes care of me and kid, forgave me and is totally affectionate and loving. What was i searching for outside that? Familiar dysfunction mixed with a whole lot of other mess i have/am unpacking but wont go into here. It is kind of nuts (to say the least) to look back on the pointless angst i unleashed.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:17 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

toonces posted 11/19/2019 22:02 PM

My WW came from a broken home. Her dad cheated and her parents divorced. Her mother forbid any contact with their dad even though they lived in a small town.

When WW was in her 20's (before we met), she reached out to her dad but I think the communication was all one way. Ditto for her brother reaching out.

So just like her dad, she cheated.

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