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If your spouse had refused R would you have returned to your AP

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Buzzy posted 11/19/2019 14:21 PM

I had an RA with a woman i was very attracted to, thankfully my wife wanted to R despite my shitty behavior however if she had rejected me I probably would have persued a relationship with my AP.

How many WS here would have done the same.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/19/2019 14:42 PM

Hell no! We're not even in R. We're in a trial separation, but even if he does divorce me, I would never get with the AP again.

hikingout posted 11/19/2019 14:44 PM

As a WS who has spent two years working on myself, I have evolved a lot in my thinking and understanding of what happens in an A.

My A was an EA and a PA. Predominately, my experience was that is was an EA. There was one business trip I was in proximity of the AP in which the physical occurred, but predominately most of my A was conducted long distance.

An affair like mine is said to be limerant. Which means there are obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I spent a great deal of my time during the A concentrating on the AP in order to avoid unpleasant thoughts, reality. I was using him, the fantasy of him, to escape. But, the reality was I projected a lot of qualities on him that he didn't have. There is a great article you can google by Dr. Frank Pittman called Romantic Infidelity it describes some of that pretty well and can show you there is a very common psychological reaction to having an affair.


In my case, the AP dumped me when he was caught out by his wife. I was at first devastated. I went straight to IC. Two months later, after I had started to unravel what I had done and why, I confessed over a long weekend. It was my hope that we could restore the marriage, but I was still very much confused in my head. I just knew I had been married for 20+ years and it seemed like I needed to at least try, to see what could be done. Once I did that, I was committed to the process. It took a while longer to evaporate some of the feelings I had, and to dispel a lot of myths and lies I was telling myself.

Feelings are based on thoughts. We can't just blindly believe everything we think.


At about month 9, my h asked for a divorce, it would never have occurred to me by then to even think about going back to the AP, there was no desire there. But, had it happened prior to the confession? I think it would be a lie to say no. I was far too obsessed and confused. BUT, am I so very thankful that didn't happen. Being with my AP in any capacity was a mistake from day one. There was nothing special about it, he wasn't a good person. And, why would he want me? I wasn't being a good person either. We both knowingly inflicted a lot of pain on each other and each other's spouses by getting involved.

He didn't have my best interest at heart - He only cared about what he could get out of it. I didn't care about his best interest - if I did I would never have engaged in an affair with him. Love is wanting the best for the other person and for them to be happy. When I was having an affair, I really only cared that he was making me happy.

Depsite it being wrong, we can't always turn off all our feelings at once when we have been telling ourselves a lot of stories and stoking those feelings with those romanticized stories. That doesn't mean that person is right for you, or that you would ever be happy with them. I would say if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. It's best for you to see Claire through more realistic eyes. Like any other WS, you have used her to try and bolster yourself, to feel better about yourself, to prop yourself up. It's time to shed that and decide what the best way is to get that authentically rather than artificially. This is why I said that an affair might make you feel better temporarily, but there is a lot more pain and negativity that will always outweigh it.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/19/2019 14:44 PM

Ugh. I would like to be able to say an unequivocal "no" to this question. I had seen some pretty significant red flags about OM that told me that not only was he inferior to my BF, he really would be lousy relationship material in general. If I'd been dumped, I would have spent a lot of time crying in my beer about my own stupidity, and I think OM would have been smart enough not to move in on me right away. I am absolutely sure I would have stayed unattached until I was convinced there was no chance BF would change his mind.

But given that I had already used OM once to fill holes in my own psyche, and his value to me was nothing more than the desperate adoration he professed to have for me... can I rule out the possibility that I would have been stupid enough to start things back up, just to soothe my bruised ego? I wish I could say "never" to that question. But hell, I said I'd never have an affair at all, and look how that turned out. So I have to settle for "I think I'd have had better sense than that," with a dollop of "God, I hope not." Because it would have been an unqualified shit show if I had. There is zero chance that we would have ended up together long term.

I'm not proud of this answer, but refusing to acknowledge it feels like rugsweeping.

hikingout posted 11/19/2019 14:51 PM

BSR - That's kind of where my head was at. I mean a the early days after DDAY we are still pretty wayward. To say it wouldn't have happened to me seemed to be in denial as to the state of mind I was in at the time. Still, thank GOD thank GOD thank GOD, none of it happened that way. Buzzy, forget Claire for good. This is why we wanted you to quit the running club.

Buzzy posted 11/19/2019 15:04 PM

TBH This comes from a question my wife asked me about my feelings in the early months. The question itself was asked over the weekend.

leavingorbit posted 11/19/2019 15:12 PM

Definitely. I was a piggy-backing jackass. My final AP pretended to feel so “sorry” for me with my “controlling” BH.

Buzzy posted 11/19/2019 15:19 PM

Yeah my AP was very consoling following my wifes A though TBF she never bad mouthed my wife.

hikingout posted 11/19/2019 15:31 PM

No, but she likely wanted something from you. If it wasn't the trip, then it was a chance to get your wife's lifestyle. Trust me her motivations were not pure.

Buzzy posted 11/19/2019 15:35 PM

Fair point, Claire was invited by my W toa garden party at my parents house which is rather nice and she did spend quite some time talking to my mum.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/19/2019 15:43 PM

Oh man, my AP was a real disaster.

Nice enough at first. Willing to do whatever I wanted in the bedroom, and then some.

She did a great job of listening to my complaints and was always supportive of me and told me how I deserved so much more. Played real well with me at the time.

She wanted money later. Yeah, big no. Heck she even wrote my BW afterwards complaining that didn't she and her son deserve to have the goodlife like my BW and my family had.

Now, my neighbour, she left her BH for her AP. That was a real shit show. Her kids still don't talk to her 10 years later - her own kids!

Buzzy, you joined space camp like the rest of us. Fun while it lasted but not even close to real life.

What your BW really wants to know is if she was Plan B....Let that sink in. You have some work to do my friend.

Darkness Falls posted 11/19/2019 15:46 PM

My BS *did* refuse R, my AP was single & wanted a legit relationship, and I had planned to be with him. I was too scared and embarrassed in the end. I treated him poorly, even though I didn’t “owe” him decent behavior the way I did my H.

Buzzy posted 11/19/2019 15:51 PM

MrCS, I hope she dosent think she is plan B after all it was obvious that Claire would have been happy to continue our affair but I am and will remain with my W.

hikingout posted 11/19/2019 15:52 PM

She likely does have that concern, didn't you when you found out about her AP?

Zugzwang posted 11/19/2019 15:55 PM

Hell No!

Buzzy posted 11/19/2019 15:56 PM

Hiking, not really as she had already ended her A when i found out, she was in a real mess and was scared thst i would throw her out. When i saw her AP only my anger stopped me laughing.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/19/2019 16:04 PM

Buzzy,

One thing with a lot of us waywards is that our standards for AP's are pretty low - mostly because we really don't give a shit about them. God, I never would have entertained my AP if I was not attached. Therein is my guilt I spoke of on another post.

So, you have the hots for Clair. But your wife is now suddenly changing appearance and doing the hot and heavy with you. She is trying to make amends, but also classic hysterical bonding. She is trying to 'woo' you.

That is all a fucked up dynamic.

As someone else recently advised me: my AP could give the best BJ in the world, but it don't compare to a hug from my wife. So true.

Buzzy posted 11/19/2019 16:11 PM

Mr CS, HAD THE HOTS not have the hots. Been there, done that and due to my subsequent behaviour nearly ruined a good thing.

If she is trying to woo me then she is pushing at an open door

If i was single or seperated then Claire would have been a VERY attractive option.

Zugzwang posted 11/19/2019 16:24 PM

If i was single or seperated then Claire would have been a VERY attractive option.

Do you still feel this way?

Not very remorseful. This woman gladly stabbed her friend in the back and put your children's family on the line? She intentionally hurt the mother of your children and you let her. WTF

ff4152 posted 11/19/2019 16:33 PM

It’s funny. I was going to start another thread which nicely dovetails into this one.

Let’s be honest here. We all found something exciting about our A. Whether it was the amazing sex or getting truckloads if smoke blown up our asses, we all liked it enough to keep going back for more.

There is a saying that I’ve heard over and over on SI. It’s something pretty simplistic, yet so profound in its meaning. I like to think I’m a fairly intelligent person capable of critical thinking, yet this simple concept completely escaped me.

“If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you”.

I though my AP was this goddess, my true soulmate. She was younger, had huge boobs, gave world class head and would have satisfied my every sexual desire.

But a chocolate covered turd is still just a fancy looking pile of shit.

What I have discovered in the last three years has astonished me. The bond I have with my wife goes beyond the emotional. I truly love this woman with my entire being. I know now I would have never had that with my AP. Why? Because I would have remained who I was, a sad selfish broken individual who was incapable of this kind of emotional depth. So to answer the question:

No fucking way.

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