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Why does it bother me now?

Late posted 11/20/2019 09:13 AM

My Dday was 4 years ago. My WH had a 4 year long affair, which ended when the OW outed him to me. I have never had a profile here before, but I have been reading a lot and found a lot of good advice over the years. Needless to say the last 4 years have been hard. Extremely hard at times and easier at other times.
The reason why I finally decided to join SI is because I saw recently on the OW's Facebook that she got married. I do know, I shouldn't be looking at her social media - and since she doesn't share much I haven't had the urge to look for a while. Then one day, I couldn't help my self. And boy do I wish, I hadn't done that :-(. She and her new husband look SO happy and in love. She looks beautiful as well. I mean, I am big enough to say that, when it's true. The way her husband looks at her makes me want to throw up. I know my husband looked at her that way once too. So now I have her leftovers and she gets to be with with this new man, who loves her. I don't want her to be happy and I don't want another man to look at her with loving eyes. Has anybody else had experiences similiar to that?

36yearsgone posted 11/20/2019 09:24 AM

I think most of us have experienced similar things.

We call them triggers. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on taking from us.

I'm sorry you are still experiencing the fallout.

Chaos posted 11/20/2019 09:34 AM

Block her from all aspects of social media and your lives.

NC goes for you too.

They call that looking "pain shopping" for a reason.

Be gentle with yourself. And do something nice for yourself. Triggers suck. Self care can help. And if you need to indulge in a good cry to purge - go for it.

landclark posted 11/20/2019 10:20 AM

Honestly, you really donít know if sheís happy. Anybody who cheats with a married man has issues. Itís entirely possible she will cheat on the current husband. I donít look at the APs and see beauty. I see only ugliness. Ugly people who have no issue screwing with a married man. Their outward appearance is meaningless.

MamaDragon posted 11/20/2019 12:44 PM

Honestly, FB just shows you what the originator wants you to see. She is not going to show you how unhappy she is, so please don't assume she is happy and all is well. Trust me, her marriage is not going to be all that great. She knows what she is guilty of doing, cheating with a married man - so she is going to be overly suspicious of her H - even if he doesn't give her reason to suspect. That alone will probably be the downfall of her M - if she doesn't cheat again and get caught.

That being said...I am a very vengeful type of person and I will caution you to not do this...BUT, if it were me, I'd be sending them a congratulation card and inside I would *HAVE* to sign it with a "Congratulations! Hope your marriage never has a cheating AP like you were to my marriage!"

(yeah I may or may not have sent something similar to my FWH's AP- or had a good friend do it...I'll never tell!)

layla1234 posted 11/20/2019 12:49 PM

@mamadragon you just gave me a great idea for when COW finally has a child with her BS.

She was an only child with no kids, hence her purely selfish behavior. WH was really longing for a life without responsiblity and kids and there she was. Even when speaking with her, I knew she had no idea what she had done and probably wouldn't until she had a child of her own.

Atg100 posted 11/20/2019 13:26 PM

My Facebook profile and the pictures I shared made me look super happy.
Even on days when I was crying in the toilet cube at work, my Facebook profile showed a smiley happy version of me ...
Itís all fake .

Also, by letting her wedding photos make you feel angry or sad, you make another person master of what is yours : your happiness .
Donít let this happen.

survrus posted 11/20/2019 15:02 PM

Late,

What a bonanza for you, get to work, gather up all the evidence you have and make it tidy in a pdf file.

Send it to OWH, with the number for a polygraph, STD clinic, divorce attorney and web links about serial cheaters.

You can be sure she never confessed or told him your WH was divorced.

OWH has a right to know.

Late posted 11/21/2019 01:58 AM

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I don't have any people in real life to vent to as I decided 4 years ago, this was private. Maybe right maybe wrong.

It's true, that I don't know if she is happy or not. But the pictures and the comments just got to me. The comments went along the lines "This is what love looks like" and "amazing to celebrate your love". I am surprised it bothers me. Though, I'm relived to find, that I am not the only one who still feels pain even years after. Not that I would want anyone to be in pain - but you hopefully get what I mean. I don't know if my husband has seen the pictures. I made him block her on D day. But as he has been able to maintain a 4 year long relationship with someone else, I am sure he is able to figure out a way to keep himself updated. He pined for her for a long time after the affair ended (as I can see other WS have done as well).I want to know so badly if he knows. Should I ask him? Or would that be stupid?
It's really tempting to send her new husband prof of her affair with my husband. I know, I shouldn't - but I really want to.

survrus posted 11/21/2019 10:35 AM

Late,

Send him the info. before it's too late for an annulment.....

cancuncrushed posted 11/21/2019 13:20 PM

I did this too. ow ate at me for years. I had no closure. Now I realize Xwh was Npd. I wasnít crazy. I was being manipulated.

I saw Ow wedding pictures. How strange that she picked an island. A color I always wanted. My plans. Etc etc. coincidence. But it stings. She was able to move on in happiness. Like nothing ever happened.

while xwh kept cheating. He mourned her. I decided to never look again.

I have let her go. There was no magic pill. Xwh behavior became so toxic so out of control. Other things out damaged Ow. I was glad I got over her. That was painful. And long.

Itís not fair. No part of this was fair. I believe it will come to fruition one day. Even if I donít see it.

We donít get over it. We learn to live with it. No closure is tough. Triggers are tough.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/21/2019 13:27 PM

Late,


Give the APís new husband proof of her affair with your WH.

It will let him know to be watchful
It will let her know you are setting a boundary that she is never to cross. No more interloping in your relationship.

In a normal, humane world, a wedding establishes the boundary. But some are too stupid to stay in their lane.

Olgershell70 posted 11/21/2019 17:10 PM

I can relate to your post. Same thing happened to me. Ow married in Paris! Beautiful photos of them, him swinging her around, captions from her on how much she loves this man, she is very attractive, almost 20 years younger than me, great hair, great smile, perfect teeth and big boobs. And yes, it bothers me terribly. This woman has probably not thought of my husband once since she broke it off and she's in my mind every day for 3 years.

northeasternarea posted 11/22/2019 11:10 AM

Do you really want to invite her back into your life?

crazyblindsided posted 11/22/2019 12:07 PM

Is it bad that I hope he cheats on her? Yeah that's my wish for the new bride I hope she gets a little taste of her own medicine.

RedHeadTemper posted 11/22/2019 12:28 PM

I'd let him know. If he already knew, he won't care. If he didn't, at least he doesn't get betrayed or at least knows what his wife is capable of.

I think this is hard because we are the all around losers. Our WS ate our cake, had their cake. Abd the AP ate their cake. So we want a restoration or balance or justice. The point is, lots of people change in 4 years, and lots of people don't. We don't have control over it and so spending our time worrying over it hurts us (makeing us lose more). She might have had a come to Jesus moment and changed her life, she might be cheating on him right now already. Either way, social media is a lie and a farse. And I think everyone on here is fed up with lies and farses. Try figuring out why this is an issue for you and dig for the root cause.

pearlamici posted 11/22/2019 12:34 PM

makes you want to comment something like - "why would you exchange marriage vows when they obviously mean nothing to you..."

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