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Why do AP’s do what they do?

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Virgo911 posted 11/27/2019 08:33 AM

As I sit here alone in my home, with my 12-year-old son, it won’t stop running through my mind as to why APs do what they do. Yes, I know our WS are fully responsible for their actions in the affair, but I just have to wonder about what is going through in AP’s mind.

Did my WW’s AP know that not only was there a wife at home, but two small children, who through marriage, have grown to love each other like brothers, only now to be separated again by two households, and probably never see each other again? Does she know They cry because they miss each other? What is going through their minds? that she won? Do they care at all that they took part in ripping families apart? Does it even matter to them they are with someone capable of such lowlife behavior?

I personally could not live with myself knowing that I’ve done so much damage to innocent people.

Sorry, woke up a little angry this morning.💔

Chaos posted 11/27/2019 08:38 AM

Virgo911 they do not give one fuck about anything other than their own selfish needs and wants.

I'm sorry you woke up feeling like this. What are you going to do nice for yourself today?

I'm sending you big hugs.

Justsomeguy posted 11/27/2019 08:41 AM

I honestly don't know what goes through their minds. I've often wondered this. My STBXWW's AP is a serial cheater and I guess probably a SA. He tries to score as often and with as many people as he can in order to validate himself externally. He has a schtick he uses and it works for him often enough to be if use. Though I've talked to women who gave been creeped out by him. He smells out vulnerable and weak women and moves in. Low hanging fruit and all I guess.

Lalagirl posted 11/27/2019 09:01 AM

They are sick, broken people and no, they don't care whose lives they fuck up in the process of getting what they want. Broken attracts broken.

Hugs, Virgo; I'm so sorry your morning started out craptastically - be kind to yourself today.

rugswept posted 11/27/2019 09:18 AM

A lot of them are into fun, fun, fun, all the time. None of the living stuff. Just the dating, and whoring and drinking and partying stuff.

They don't care about anyone else. Kids.. a home... all things just in the way and on the side. Just distractions for WS to deal with.

These people have no morals, no ethics, just a very dark soul and a very selfish body and mind.

Evermore posted 11/27/2019 10:20 AM

I think they are all different, often broken in some ways. In many cases, just like us, they have been lied to. A different story than the reality of the situation has been painted (a pending or actual separation). Sometimes a reality we are not even aware it is being told to them (the marriage is failing, is loveless).

That isn’t excusing them, but WS are often picking their targets to find partners that are some mix of naive, vulnerable, unethical, emotionally immature. They know they would be unsuccessful with people who have an established sense of self and personal ethics.

Maybe the AP will get to that point in their personal development where they are grounded, at that point they may feel guilt. I think those that remain underdeveloped people will continue to not care and focus on the wrongs done to them, rug sweeping their own role.

The1stWife posted 11/27/2019 13:02 PM

Some APs are lied to and believe the CS is either divorced or separated. To me, they have been victimized as well. If they end the relationship immediately then that AP is not responsible.

If upon firing out the AP continues the affair then they are guilty of destroying a marriage (plus other things).

Most APs are broken and desperate and low hanging fruit. The cheater believes the affair is okay b/c it feels good to them. The AP provides some ego boost and makes the cheater feel needed and important.

I could not live with myself either if I caused that much trauma to someone’s family. That’s just cruel.

KingRat posted 11/27/2019 13:05 PM

They justify and rationalize their behavior and choices the same a WS does. I would assume the go-to rationalization is, "if he/she doesn't respect her marriage and protect his/her family, why should I?"

MickeyBill2016 posted 11/27/2019 14:08 PM

The APs are just picking up what is offered to them.
Any misrepresentations done by the WS is on them.
I didn't really care about the why my XWW AP did what he did as it was with her permission...

ShatteredSakura posted 11/27/2019 14:33 PM

Like 1stWife said, the people who were lied to about and unknowingly dated a person cheating on their SO are victims too, at least if they promptly end things (and even better, inform the BS).

But for the vast majority, especially those who knowingly help the WS cheat from the start. Those people are vile, entitled, broken individuals. So I think Lalagirl says it best. "Broken attracts broken"

I couldn't live with myself if I was in my WS's AP's shoes either. He was out there living it up with another man's significant other, who is home alone waiting. What a mindfuck.

WS sometimes would say that he "felt guilty". They sit on a throne of lies as far as I'm concerned.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 2:34 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 11/27/2019 14:36 PM

"Broken attracts broken"

I have heard that experienced (or smart) cheaters will have affairs with other married people as they both have something to lose.

thatbpguy posted 11/27/2019 14:37 PM

AP's come in all shapes and sizes. Some do it as they have mental/emotional issues. Some do it for manipulation and controlling power. Some do it to feed a total lack of self esteem and ego. Some do it because they are miserable, lead miserable lives and want to make others feel misery. And some do it because they just like to.

Or, as Alfred stated to Bruce Wayne, "Some people just want to watch the world burn."

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 2:47 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

ibonnie posted 11/27/2019 14:41 PM

Google Frank Pittman. There are some interesting articles by him on infidelity.

For the AP my case, this sums it up pretty well:

Spider Woman

There are women who, by nature romantics, don't quite want to escape their own life and die for love. Instead they'd rather have some guy wreck his life for them. These women have been so recently betrayed by unfaithful men that the wound is still raw and they are out for revenge. A woman who angrily pursues married men is a "spider woman"—she requires human sacrifice to restore her sense of power.

When she is sucking the blood from other people's marriages, she feels some relief from the pain of having her own marriage betrayed. She simply requires that a man love her enough to sacrifice his life for her. She may be particularly attracted to happy marriages, clearly envious of the woman whose husband is faithful and loving to her. Sometimes it isn't clear whether she wants to replace the happy wife or just make her miserable.

The women who are least squeamish and most likely to wreak havoc on other people's marriages are victims of some sort of abuse, so angry that they don't feel bound by the usual rules or obligations, so desperate that they cling to any source of security, and so miserable that they don't bother to think a bit of the end of it.

Josephine Hart's novel Damage, and the Louis Malle film version of it, describe such a woman. She seduces her fiancee's depressed father, and after the fiancee discovers the affair and kills himself, she waltzes off from the wreckage of all the lives. She explains that her father disappeared long ago, her mother had been married four or five times, and her brother committed suicide when she left his bed and began to date other boys. She describes herself as damaged, and says: "Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive."

Bette was a spider woman. She came to see me only once, with her married affair partner Alvin, a man I had been seeing with his wife Agnes. But I kept up with her through the many people whose lives she touched. Bette's father had run off and left her and her mother when she was just a child, and her stepfather had exposed himself to her. Most recently Bette's manic husband Burt had run off with a stripper, Claudia, and had briefly married her before he crashed and went into a psychiatric hospital.

While Burt was with Claudia, the enraged Bette promptly latched on to Alvin, a laid-back philanderer who had been married to Agnes for decades and had been screwing around casually most of that time. Bette was determined that Alvin was going to divorce Agnes and marry her, desert his children, and raise her now-fatherless kids. The normally cheerful Alvin, who had done a good job for a lifetime of pleasing every woman he met and avoiding getting trapped by any of them, couldn't seem to escape Bette, but he certainly had no desire to leave Agnes. He grew increasingly depressed and suicidal. He felt better after he told the long-suffering Agnes, but he still couldn't move in any direction. Over the next couple of years, Bette and Alvin took turns threatening suicide, while Agnes tended her garden, raised her children, ran her business, and waited for the increasingly disoriented and pathetic Alvin to come to his senses.

Agnes finally became sufficiently alarmed about her husband's deterioration that she decided the only way she could save his life was to divorce him. She did, and Alvin promptly dumped Bette. He could not forgive her for what she had made him do to dear, sweet Agnes. He lost no time in taking up with Darlene, with whom he had been flirting for some time, but who wouldn't go out with a married man. Agnes felt relief, and the comfort of a good settlement, but Bette was once again abandoned and desperate.

She called Alvin hourly, alternately threatening suicide, reciting erotic poetry, and offering to fix him dinner. She phoned bomb threats to Darlene's office. Bette called me to tell me what a sociopathic jerk Alvin was to betray her with another woman after all she had done in helping him through his divorce. She wrote sisterly notes to Agnes, offering the comfort of friendship to help one another through the awful experience of being betrayed by this terrible man. At no point did Bette consider that she had done anything wrong. She was now, as she had been all her life, a victim of men, who not only use and abuse women, but won't lay down their lives to rescue them on cue.

Mene posted 11/27/2019 15:01 PM

Narcissistic assholes. Pure and simple. Anyone having an affair with a married person (especially with ones that have children) is simply evil.

[This message edited by Mene at 3:02 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

OptionedOut posted 11/27/2019 15:05 PM

To some, it's a thrill. It's power over another person who doesn't even know about them.

To some, it's spouse-poaching. They oddly think that married people must be worth marrying, so stealing them is the way to go. Yeah. Fucked up.

To others, it's a sense of "Well, if they prefer ME over their spouse, I'm special!"

Others enjoy the pain they cause.

Others still just like the secrecy and the 'game.' Once they win the 'prize', they don't want it.

And TV movies, etc. seem to glorify affairs. Sigh.

They are truly damaged people is all I can say.

Jameson1977 posted 11/27/2019 17:58 PM

My WW's PA partner was simply looking to score. My WW was a very easy mark for him. Overweight, relatively shy, insecure, and suffering from 2 recent deaths in the family and clinical depression.

My WW lied to her AP that we were in an open relationship. He knew of me and my size and scale, and was quite concerned about retribution, and my WW caught wind of that. She really wanted it, so she lied to him. Although, reading through some of their conversations after dday, it didnt sound like this "open relationship" was really a concern for him. He used her, plain and simple, for sex, when he wanted it.

He is however worried about me coming after him. I wouldn't, but I do enjoy thinking of him looking over his shoulder when he gets into his car at night, wondering if I'm going to show up and pummel him.

The bottom line is that people that will sleep with or carry on an inappropriate relationship with someone else that is in a committed relationship is scum. I could care less about the rationalization that AP's and WS's come up with.

hedothprotest posted 11/28/2019 02:44 AM

I asked my ex and he said he did it for excitement and as a way to escape the regular stressors of life. When he'd get anxious about an ailing relative or a problem at work, it gave him something exciting to distract him. His AP (my ex friend) said she justified to herself by saying what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. She thought it could add fun and excitement to their lives without harming our family. She did admit though that after a while, she realized it was hurting me even if I didn't know what the cause of that hurt was. His disdain and irritation toward me were obvious and it was also clear that I had done nothing to deserve those feelings. It is a very selfish mindset where they both said they had to give, give, give all the time and it was their chance to do something for themselves without thinking about others. I think I understand what they were thinking, but that doesn't help me feel better about it. It just meant that I was not important enough to either one of them to find another way to discover excitement in their lives.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/28/2019 15:29 PM

Why so focused on the AP? At the end of the day, does it really matter why any of them do anything they do? No, because if the CP had been a decent person, there wouldn't have been an AP.


I didn't really care about the why my XWW AP did what he did as it was with her permission...


Exactly. I don't care why the MOW did anything. It's my fch who should've cared.

Nanatwo posted 11/28/2019 19:34 PM

They are incredibly self centered entitled a**holes. His AP told him she was going to do what ever made her happy and she didn't care who got hurt.

He thought this made her a free sprit until I pointed out this included his two kids

CaliforniaNative posted 11/28/2019 19:42 PM

Tunnel vision. They have a goal of being with that person, taken or not. This only becomes a problem when people are possessed by a singular focus on a particular goal, to the point that they leave other important considerations such as compassion and integrity out of their thinking.

Same could be said for the Wayward though.

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