Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Why do APís do what they do?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Buffer posted 11/28/2019 22:34 PM

They are just selfish! It is always about them.

getbusyliving posted 11/28/2019 23:46 PM

There are pretty much a lot of swear words that I would say about APs. Many of them are cheating on their partners. My partner's cheating goes way back but I only had it confirmed just over two year ago. Thinking back to the cluster fuck of a woman who fucked him back in 1991, she was someone who wanted a man to look after her and her children as her own relationship had split up. Then in 2017 he went on Ashley Madison to meet up with another AP who was cheating - again I found this out after it finished. The ones in 2011 I think were single mums and knew he was married - he wore his ring FFS!. Another online one in 2009 was married too. Then the emotional affair he had for years - well she knew he was married and I had said to him years before that she liked him and I was uncomfortable about it and what did he do? They went underground and had an online emotional affair. All genders can cheat and hurt people. I just think what a bunch of arsehole wankers they all are and what goes around comes around. Karma can be a bitch!

Glashalffull posted 11/29/2019 07:09 AM

I always hear how broken the APs are and that is why they do what they do. I feel there is truth in that. But Iím still pissed off and hurt by her.
In my case, she wanted my life without doing the work that it takes to obtain this life. Her preference is to not work at all, still live at home with her parents..whom btw, we WERE friends with.
Yup, life without consequences and without doing the daily grind of the hard work. Thing is, IMO, she will also never have a life fulfilled either.
Still, it hurts. It hurts that for 2 years, she was allowed to be a part of my marriage without my permission. She was allowed a part of my life without consequence. She would also start right back up with him, given the opportunity, the skank!

LoveTKO posted 11/29/2019 08:45 AM

They are sick, broken people and no, they don't care whose lives they fuck up in the process of getting what they want. Broken attracts broken.

Lalagirl nailed it. My STBXH's MOW lives in the same town. My son and her daughter were in the same high school class (20 at time of A). Her son was 15 at the time and living home along with her 17 year old daughter. AND her husband. They had sex in the house when they were home (I was told "big house"). WTF??? What kind of people do this? SO screwed up.

I told my STBXH I hope he understands he broke up a family. He said "their marriage was going to end anyway". I told him he will never know if they could have worked things out if he hadn't interfered. All I know is I wouldn't want to live with that.

I'm grateful that I live with a clear conscience. It must be hell being a wayward. When I see STBXH he seems broken. I hope he finds his own way and I wish him well but never with me. Not my monkey anymore and certainly not my circus

LoveTKO posted 11/29/2019 08:45 AM

They are sick, broken people and no, they don't care whose lives they fuck up in the process of getting what they want. Broken attracts broken.

Lalagirl nailed it. My STBXH's MOW lives in the same town. My son and her daughter were in the same high school class (20 at time of A). Her son was 15 at the time and living home along with her 17 year old daughter. AND her husband. They had sex in the house when they were home (I was told "big house"). WTF??? What kind of people do this? SO screwed up.

I told my STBXH I hope he understands he broke up a family. He said "their marriage was going to end anyway". I told him he will never know if they could have worked things out if he hadn't interfered. All I know is I wouldn't want to live with that.

I'm grateful that I live with a clear conscience. It must be hell being a wayward. When I see STBXH he seems broken. I hope he finds his own way and I wish him well but never with me. Not my monkey anymore and certainly not my circus

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/29/2019 09:15 AM

Same could be said for the Wayward though.


Yep. Remember that your CP was also an AP. Whatever you say about your CP's AP you must also apply to your CP.

LLXC posted 11/29/2019 19:04 PM

I had one opportunity in which a guy would've cheated on his live-in gf with me. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of hurting my bf at the time. If I'd been single, I don't know what I would've done, as her existence was theoretical to me. I think if I'd been happy and secure at the time, not lonely, I didn't have been tempted at all. But I do know that at the time I wanted the fact that he had a gf to be the reason I would t hook up, but the real reason was my bf. She was not real to me,

Northerngal posted 11/30/2019 06:15 AM

Some people think be8ng wanted sexually is validating. But itís a fleeting validation. My wh wanted to be wanted and he was by the ow. She used him to secure herself in the industry, he pretended he had more influence than he did. But the pa didnít help him feel better. It made the problems he was avoiding even bigger. And the ow was a 50 yr old who had slept her way to the middle and she could find men to sleep with her but no one respected her. And she lost her job as a result. (I wanted wh to leave but he owns the company, she didnít have a leg to stand on as far as suing, I had emails) There was really nothing sexy or manly or attractive about the whole thing, definitely 2 ugly broken assholes. And 7 kids hurt as a result.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/30/2019 06:49 AM

There was really nothing sexy or manly or attractive about the whole thing, definitely 2 ugly broken assholes.


Yep

DIFM posted 11/30/2019 07:02 AM

The reason that a cheating spouse does what they do is the answer to your question. Most WS's serve dual roles as AP too. Both players in the game are broken and selfish.

skeetermooch posted 11/30/2019 10:20 AM

I once dated a man who said he was separated. He never wore a wedding ring (and no tell-tale tan line), he took me out all over town without trying to hide we were in a relationship and we even went on a few vacations together.

He had three kids under 18 and I had young children myself so when he said he didn't want the kids to meet me until the divorce was final and they had had enough time to process it, that made sense.

I found out after 6 months that he was not separated but was still very much with his wife, in the same house and in marriage counseling. I found this out when his wife called me.

After that I realized a separated man is not someone to EVER date. I would not ever do that again.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 12:59 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/30/2019 16:39 PM

After that I realized a separated man is not someone to EVER date!


I agree. A friend of mine recently started dating a man who said he was going through a divorce. The first thing I said to her was, "Did you verify that with his wife?"

I would want to see those D papers!

maise posted 11/30/2019 17:36 PM

APís are people with the lowest self-esteem I can think of. They have such a crap relationship with their own selves that they become desperate to fuel a sense of validation and worth. APís want to be chosen and get this sense of ďIm wanted and worthyĒ so badly that theyíll desperately take bread crumbs from cheaters and jump through hoops as the side bitches to get it. They disrespect themselves, demean themselves, and knock their subconscious out the window to get what? What exactly do they REALLY get from a cheater with a whole other life? What is worth degrading your sense of integrity with yourself?

Little do APís know that the cheater isnít gonna give them what they want, EVER. What they really want is what we can get bc we are decent people to ourselves. We have a sense of self-respect, self-love, and self-worth that they canít touch. We have integrity, authenticity.

Iíd never wanna be that low with myself.

And then they wonder why their lives suck and they have no real relationships.

And so the desperate reaching continues. Fucking Miserable.

SleeplessinSeatt posted 1/17/2020 00:28 AM

I have asked myself those very same questions, how can an AP accept hurting innocent people? Destroying a family? And, women who cheat with married men and know that there are children involved and they are mothers as well... double shame on them. We as women protect all children, it's part of our nature. That is the lowest of the low. This is a subject near to my heart. I'm not ready to share my full story yet, but my WH had an EA with an ex girlfriend that lives several states away, she went to great efforts to track him down 16 years later with a "confessed totally fabricated story" of how he is the biological father of her daughter, put her daughter on the phone many times to talk to her new daddy, and then later confessed that she made it all up because she had just gotten out of a bad relationship and needed someone to talk to... oh, and she's sorry about all this mess, but please dont bother her for answers, because she is in a new relationship and wants to be left alone. Nevermind that she has obliterated my marriage, hurt my children, and caused her own daughter psychological problems by forcing her to pretend my husband was her new daddy. And as for my WH's part in the EA that choice was ALL HIS. In addition to the betrayal, ongoing lies, omissions, and gaslighting, I am now getting EMDR therapy for the PTSD and anxiety that I have developed from all of the ongoing betrayal trauma. Why Cheat?

[This message edited by SleeplessinSeatt at 12:38 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

Maudlin posted 1/17/2020 05:13 AM

My asshats APs were sex workers so...par for the course. I canít blame them. One was ďspecialĒ 😂 Uhh huh. She does have an Instagram I follow (nary a word about her escort life of course!) and she is a free spirited yoga loving ďletís empower womenĒ type. I mean...really? I sent her an email, but I discovered an Instagram post of her ďspeaking EnglishĒ and her English is so bad she never would have gotten my email. I canít imagine they ever had any real conversations, itís that bad.

I don't blame her. Hey make that money girl (my kids money...but that is for their dad to feel badly about...). The spiritual side makes me giggle, but I really do t give two shits about her.

Throwaway999 posted 1/17/2020 05:31 AM

I have thought about this a lot and asked my WS what kind of person knowing cheats with a man who she knows is married with young children. How many people out there lack morals? Form this website, more than I ever knew.

All I know is that I can look in the mirror each day and not be ashamed of my behaviour. Sadly I am willing to bet, his AP looks in the mirror each day, and doesnít give a second thought to the lives she helped destroy. I do have anger towards her, but most of my anger is still focused on my WS who chose this for us,

IndependenceSoon posted 1/17/2020 07:31 AM

My STBx AP is single, younger than me and works under him. I think she wanted him. It didn't matter that he was married. She was going to get her man boy. Going through divorce now. She brings food to his apartment and recently my daughter found out he was going on a dinner date with her. He is keeping it some what a secret I think until we are divorced. He doesn't want anyone to think he's a bad guy. I think their both are scum bags with no moral compass. These kind of people only care about themselves...

The1stWife posted 1/17/2020 09:09 AM

I have heard that experienced (or smart) cheaters will have affairs with other married people as they both have something to lose.

I heard that married people have only married APs so there is no pressure from the AP to leave their spouse. Makes sense.

IWMWWCT1920 posted 1/17/2020 19:24 PM

There are many who are simply lied to and just donít know. There are a vast majority that know and just really donít care. In the case of my husband...this woman knew he was married and could not even begin to lie to herself about being lied to. At some point in the affair she made a conscious decision to allow herself to get pregnant.

He on the other hand did nothing to prevent it as he was so comfortable about her taking the pill. He trusted her enough to not even think of backup protection because in the years of intimacy there was never a pregnancy. She sent me a text message and I had what I thought was an adult woman to woman response. She could have cared less and is happily awaiting her bundle of joy. My husband had the nerve to say it was just sex.

Well no one throws away a marriage over just sex. No one decides that itís fine to engage in the destruction of a marriage for just sex and bring a baby in the mix of it. She did what so many AP do when they get tired of playing in the background....get pregnant. She is perfectly happy knowing she has him in her life in this way. I hope it plays out like she wants because if it doesnít I see major destruction headed his way and itís not going to be pretty at all. They say never say never, but I know having been cheated on I would never want to cause the same hurt to another woman and her family. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and will never want to participate in the demise of it.

It wouldnít matter if he was telling her lies about leaving because a reliable source told me she was keeping up with our marriage and trips, events and family outings. Surprise birthday and anniversary parties through social media. All this during their affair so she was a willing participant who fought even harder to participate in the destruction of my marriage. Even after seeing for herself it was not adding up whatever he was saying.

So no...they donít care and I know a couple of women who have did so and moved on with the guy and hasnít lost a lick of sleep. Meanwhile I can guarantee the wife had many sleepless nights. Sometimes itís hard to figure out why they move on being successful together and karma never shows up at their doorstep.

IWMWWCT1920 posted 1/17/2020 19:50 PM

I think everyone agrees that the spouse is the scumbag for cheating and having an affair. Yet, there is a willing participant that has no qualms about helping the scum bag. So Im always surprised when people get sensitive about the BS calling the AP what they are....scum bags too. Itís like the mere mention of their character flaws sends people into defensive mode a drakes the real victim wrong for saying so. A married spouse cannot have an affair alone. It takes another person to make an affair. So I often wonder why the judgement should not be placed on the AP as well. Trust my anger of the affair is on my husband but I will never excuse the actions of the one who helped make it happen. They are both wrong in my book. This is not toward anyone particular but society always wants to ignore the participant and their wrongness. Why I will never understand. Why should one not expect human beings to just be human and hav3 empathy for one another.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy