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Why do AP’s do what they do?

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Thislife posted 1/18/2020 09:54 AM

IMO -It is absolutely selfishness/entitlement at its core with a splash of brokenness and low self esteem.

My WH’s AP used him as FWB when her LTBF broke up with her instead of marrying her. She used the workplace to break down his boundaries (just friends) and turned on the sexual innuendo after the break up (the just friends was always an inappropriate friendship/ EA - one sided at first). She knew her relationship was sinking (one of the first things she told him - the first time they had to fill the silence on the way to a work meeting). She made herself invaluable to WH in the workplace (very attentive work wife). She liked how he spoke of himself in our relationship (he was committed for 15 years and the step dad to 3 kids- looks great on paper- everything her BF would never be to her). She met 2 of 4 of our kids in the office (she met the collateral damage and tried to schmooze them). Before it moved into PA - he told her that he did not want to do “this” - did not want to cross anymore lines. She agreed became angry - pulled away and then acted work friendly again and pursued sex through innuendo, sexting and then invitation. Sex was the price she was willing to pay to have her emotional needs met. She told me that her vision of her life was not turning out as she planned. AP, also, told me in a conversation that after DDAY she went to WH not to restart the A but to get back the friendship because he was who she was leaning on at her darkest time but he ICED her out and never spoke to her again... and that hurt her because she needed him (this was an aha moment for WH when he truly realized that he destroyed his family for someone that never even gave a shit about him and essentially - did to me what her LTBF had done to her - he broke me to save her- making me broken like her)!

IMO - she used him as a secret monkey branch (she did not want anyone to know about him because that would be embarrassing ...he was as much her secret as she was his) and she did not care who was hurt (including WH- he destroyed our world because he was SPECIAL ((young girl couldn’t help herself from finding him irresistible - even though he was married)) and he missed being that special to someone).

She thinks that it is okay to approach my children to apologize (in public) to relieve her own guilt. She wanted to know if my WH still had feelings for her because again she’s in a LT relationship that may not be going quite the way she planned.

She’s a special kind of selfishness who believes she was played by WH. She does not see her role in any of this ... it was all WH and she was a victim - vulnerable because of her break up. I had to remind her that I saw the emails - the in office chats the beginning and the end. She knew his truth and went there anyway because she was lonely and WH would do as filler. I don’t think she even cares about the sexual aspect (only 3x in 5/6 weeks - I believed a tactic AP used only when WH would pull away).

Something that I wrote to her in 2017 - You used WH as a rebound, a challenge and a compliment to your broken ego when you helped to destroy his morals and he used you for attention and as an easy available lay. (I would change this up but just a little today)

I am not excusing WH’s behavior in the above - just giving you his AP’s perspective from her very own mouth and I believe her! in reality, none of this matters because the truth is my WH failed me when I needed him to protect me the most!

[This message edited by Thislife at 10:04 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]

LLXC posted 1/18/2020 12:36 PM

I think that if the AP doesnt know the cheater's family, it is all theoretical.

You dpnt know the spouse, the kids, so the hurt isnt real.

If the AP knows the spouse and kids, i think sometimes people think, well, Im not the one cheating, so it is ok" or they shove it put of gheir mind while they do something that feelw good

Lauren1717 posted 1/18/2020 14:16 PM

In my case, the OW is a complete pathetic sociopath. She’s a serial cheater. In her previous two marriages (and keep in mind she’s less than 30yrs old at the time) she messed with the next while with the first. She’s absolutely proud of the damage she’s caused. She even bragged about it. Before DDay, she was already telling people that she had a “boyfriend” and had two people we knew (fellow team parents and her best friends) helping hide the affair and even plan ways to get together. All while sitting next to me at our kids sports (WH was coach), coming to my house with me and my child present, commenting on STBXWH’s family vacation pictures, profile pic was a selfie of her in his car that I failed to notice until after caught etc. makes me sick to think I even asked her how her summer had been, not knowing at the time that her summer was spent screwing my husband in hotels and her trashy apartment. Her gloating reply was Fine and something about her smirk made me pause. And her BS was dealing with her cheating ass the whole time and apparently it wasn’t just my H. He finally divorced her which of course freed her to go all in with mine. When caught I gave him two choices, therapy or divorce. He considers it an ultimatum like there was another choice. At that point, my instincts finally kicked in and I didn’t even attempt R.

Now the OW is living with him in his new place with her kid, divorce isn’t even final, and my child is forced to deal with it all against his will. Playing house, posting public pics of them etc. She’s a golddigger, no question about that. Her XH said she used him to take of her and her child, and will do the same with my STBXH. Neither think they’ve done anything wrong. Personality Disordered, both of them.

I’m beyond over it all, she’s trash and so is he. Just wish DS was left out of their chaos.

They say you can’t be friends with someone who wants your life.

[This message edited by Lauren1717 at 2:22 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

steadychevy posted 1/18/2020 15:49 PM

My WW cheated with a few married men and men with SOs before we started dating. After we were married she admitted and said she wasn't cheating because she wasn't married and it was them cheating on their wives/girlfriends so she felt she was innocent. I guess she forgot that even while she was the AP to their adultery she was also cheating on her boyfriend at the time.

With me, after we were married, I don't know what she was thinking. When they started cheating my WW knew he was married and he knew she was. My WW had met at least one of his kids. His wife left him then because she had caught him cheating with another woman. So I guess their marriage was already in trouble so she could innocently know she didn't break up his family.

What about ours, though? What about our 3 daughters? Doesn't matter if you got the hots for someone.

redwing6 posted 1/18/2020 15:52 PM

Because they grass is always greener on the other side. Literally, "he must be a good man if he's married"...

[This message edited by redwing6 at 3:57 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

rugswept posted 1/18/2020 15:54 PM

they're into hot sex, wherever they can get it.
as far as concerns for you and your children: FU.
that's them, in a nutshell.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/19/2020 07:51 AM

They are sick, broken people and no, they don't care whose lives they fuck up in the process of getting what they want. Broken attracts broken

Lalagirl such an eloquent post. In my case, my WW has a bunch of self esteem issues and this longing to have someone take care of her so she doesn't have to lift a finger all day (which I got sick and tired of, hate being relegated to a glorified butler) and a constant need for affirmation. The POSOM on the other hand has this overwhelming need to take care of someone or something and is very proud of his "wife-poaching". This fed into her self esteem to see that someone "cared for and worshipped her". It's a perverse merry go round and they do not care if they detonated a thermonuclear device in the middle of the family. The BS, on the other hand, is left with picking up the pieces and the emotional rollercoaster that comes along with it. Just boils down to pure selfishness and they don't care about the destruction, broken lives/promises that is left in their wake.

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 8:01 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

hopefullife posted 1/19/2020 18:19 PM

The AP in my life is more broken than my STBXH. 3 kids, 3 different fathers. The 3rd is my husband, don't know about the other two. They share a brokenness I can never match, I am strong and never had a sad history. The way I see it, it's been her frustration ever since to be chosen and to win. She's always been left and has a clear desire to have a family. Hence, she keeps posting publicly photos of them.

I know she has her good parts, I'll never judge her for having kids with different fathers, except she went after a married man. In a way I pity her, she must have been so sad in her life she settled with a married man who is similarly damaged. Can she not find a single man with dignity who wants her? She won now though, as she got my H. I still want them to break up, but at other times I think they match perfectly. 2 broken people.

Throwaway999 posted 1/19/2020 20:29 PM

My WS told me his AP was a serial cheater...and she was going through a separation. He felt sorry for her and he was her KISA. As I said before, she knew about me and my 3 young kids. Neither of them cared. My WS husband literally told me he did’t care about me at the time. She clearly had issues and so did/does my WS...broken definitely attracts broken.

You guys nailed it.

backnforth posted 2/6/2020 20:34 PM

Im trying to figure this one out... AP was just divorced due to being cheated on and i believe he left her for OW. She saw something she wanted and went for it. Provably insecurities. My husband is very handsome and a lot of the females at his job are all promiscuous from what i hear. Shocker, she works with my husband in the next dept....actually i heard her nickname around there is Floosey Loosey haha. Anywho, she knew my husband was married, she knew he got a second phone to talk to her. She knew he was leaving home to go to her while I was with our 4 kids. She doesnt care. She said herself he's NEVER said anything bad abkut me to her. He's said it as well...he actually has stuck up for me.

She actually had the nerve to contact me apoligizing to me because "she had a different version of events". I CALL BS! Funny thing is she proceeded to sink her claws in WH the next day. I believe its a game to her. Plus ive heard she may be a little crazy

Dragonfly123 posted 2/7/2020 00:37 AM

Fragile egos.

All of them have fragile egos. Not to say they’re not full of their own self importance or have narcissistic tendencies in some cases BUT I think all of them get delicious ego kibbles from ‘winning’ a prize off the back of a BS. The fact their ‘prize’ is married or in a serious relationship just makes that ‘prize’ more valuable.

I think as humans we’re wired to win. So mate poaching helps validate yourself. It’s sick and twisted but it’s out there.

Stems from being broken as fuck. As a single woman I didn’t need to chase married men with small children to help validate myself but there you go.

I totally think APs are broken people. Doesn’t mean we have to feel compassion for them. I’d dance on her grave if she died tomorrow.

NaturalX posted 2/9/2020 00:13 AM

Because we as a society stopped punishing them.

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