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cactusflower posted 12/6/2019 11:51 AM

I liked caring about people and being there for them. I thought it was important to show people that they mattered and help them when they needed it.

In retrospect, no one really made an effort to make me feel special or help me. My WH never made great overtures and I accepted it. Over time, I decided if I didn't expect too much I wouldn't be disappointed. He's just not demonstrative - it doesn't mean he doesn't love me.

That changed when I found evidence of an A. Nothing makes you feel less special than that. Those closest to me didn't care so I felt that I didn't matter even more. I don't believe I have the truth - too much doesn't make sense with regard to his explanations. He isn't really R material. He goes through the motions but I can tell his heart isn't in it. He isn't that kind of man. More of the "ignore it and it will go away" type. That said, I don't believe he's cheating now. But I think he probably will again because I've detached.

I've done therapy and they haven't helped much. They tell me I need to move on and do things that make me happy - try and get out more. I find I just move forward in this fog - putting one foot in front of the other. Am I asking for too much? Am I selfish for wanting to feel important/special?

Tallgirl posted 12/6/2019 11:58 AM

Hi Cactus.

I feel hopping angry when I read this. People are asses.

YOU SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL. now it isn't always every minute, but if the people around you do not ever make you feel special, you need new people.

Some thoughts.

1. You need to know you are special, and you need to show & tell people that you are, and what you need. If they don't appreciate you - they are the wrong people. Even WH

2. WH should know this about you, he married you. If not, tell him he's not good enough for you. He can change or not. Everyone is special in some way - and this should be noted in a marriage.

YOU ARE NOT A SERVANT OR THERE FOR OTHERS. YOU ARE ALSO DESERVING OF APPRECIATION, SPECIALNESS AND KINDNESS.

If WH and others don't do this, then gift them to someone else after you tell them they are asshats.

You are special, and IT IS NOT WRONG...

If he doesn't change, you have a choice

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:11 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 12/6/2019 11:59 AM

Not at all. That probably hurts me the most. Wh is very loving with his affair partners but can’t throw me a bone. He’s quoted poetry to the first ow, and ow 2 he’s told her he adores her and things like that.

I’d love to get something like that. But nope.

We are both worth it

landclark posted 12/6/2019 12:18 PM

Am I selfish for wanting to feel important/special?

Not at all. My WH also worked to make the first AP feel very special. Things he did just for her. He shared poems with at least two APs. Meanwhile I don’t remember a time when he made me feel special and now his efforts to make up for it are pretty meaningless, honestly. I also have no desire to continue to make him feel special.

It’s definitely something that shutdown in me completely after dday.

EllieKMAS posted 12/6/2019 12:24 PM

Cactus & Gotta...
Oh em gee, I could have written either of your posts about my xshitbag too.

Cactus - mine was also completely emotionally detached from me, even after the A.

Gotta - mine said the same! About how he "adored" his 18 yo slut AP. And how he "fell more in love with her every day and every time she smiled at him"...

No - we should all feel special. We should all be loved the same way WE love. Anything less than that is bullshit.

(((cactus & gotta)))

MamaDragon posted 12/6/2019 12:28 PM

you should feel special and you should get that feeling from those closet to you.

I have to say, had my FWH not made me feel special after his A, we would not have R'd.