Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you if you choose to respond and help me learn and improve.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, and that’s why i kept it hidden and secret. I chose a selfish path, and I concealed it to prevent others from knowing my selfish cheating ways. I wanted to protect my self-image. Pride demanded secrecy.
But why did I cheat? What are the root causes? I think there are many, and I have listed some below.
Ugly duckling syndrome...
During formative years, being “picked on” as being unattractive is difficult to forget and heal from. It caused a lingering doubt, doubt that others consider me attractive, doubt that women would want to be with me. Even after dating or marrying a woman, this self-doubt persisted, amplified if my partner was not into “ego stroking”. This all led to:
- “Testing the waters”, reaching out to women to see if they were attracted to me
- Extreme over-excitement (over-reaction) when an attractive woman showed any interest in me.
- Lowering my standards and expectations, ignoring the flaws and shortcomings of these “other women”, and even overestimating their attractiveness.
- Blocking out “mood killers” such as guilt alarms and morals and even reality
Rebellion against rules and restrictions...without considering the consequences...
I wanted what I wanted, regardless of the consequences or morality. Growing up a strict Catholic, proper behavior and rule-following were expected and demanded. I eventually became tired of always following the rules. The rules and expectations seemed like a heavy burden that was unfairly placed on my shoulders. And seeing how others seemed to “have fun” while misbehaving (during high school and college) only reinforced my perception of the unfairness of the restrictions I was living under. I wanted to bend the rules, I wanted to test the morals, I wanted to see how the “other side” lived, I wanted to seek out the “thrills”. But, the reckless nature of that rebellion also meant that I did not consider the consequences of following that path. I did not think about what would happen if others discovered my selfish ways.
Vicious cycle...roller coaster of self-esteem...
Low self-esteem and thrill-seeking and rebellion against rules led me to make selfish unfaithful disloyal choices. Those choices provided only a fleeting boost in self-esteem and satisfaction. And, later, the shameful nature of those choices triggered guilt, which knocked me back to square one, forming a vicious cycle, a roller coaster of self-esteem.
Frequent bad choices cause distance and numbness...
By making those awful choices more frequently, the fleeting boosts could seem more enduring, but at the expense of every other aspect of life that was being neglected. And the roller coaster had a numbing effect, with other aspects of life seeming more mundane, losing appreciation for the true gifts of real life, drifting away from reality.
Examples:
- Porn thrills and extremes reduced the excitement of and appreciation for sex in real life
- Fantasy-driven self-pleasure decreased my real sex drive
Jealousy and wanting more...
I have always been selfish. I think part of that stems from a combination of being raised in a family that struggled financially AND seeing others who seemed to have anything they wanted. I was jealous. I wanted more. I envied their seemingly-easy life where their selfish desires were met.
Hide the bad behavior to maintain pride...
I was taught (by example) that the opinions of others was important, that maintaining a positive public image was important. To avoid shame and embarrassment and a crushing blow to public image, any action that might be judged as “naughty” or “bad” or “wild” or “crazy” or “deviant” must be carefully concealed, and vehemently denied if suspected.
How did allow myself to do what I did? How did I justify this wrong and terrible behavior? How did I silence the consequences and morality and self-criticism?
- By compartmentalizing : I entered a “parallel universe” which was very disconnected from reality
- By ignoring or downplaying possible consequences (“This isn’t hurting anyone”, “No one will ever know that I am such a selfish cheater”)
- By thinking “Lots of people do this” (peer justification or mob mentality)
- By thinking “I deserve this fun”