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Husband’s mistress was abusive

Trustedtoomuch posted 12/8/2019 11:52 AM

Sorry—multiple posts today..... My husband of 31 years (we’ve been together since I was 15, three kids, wonderful life) had an affair with a co-worker. I had been suspicious for a while, but when I found the evidence he of course denied it for days. Now he is being 100% honest, disclosed the info at work (then took “early retirement”), is committed to resolving this, as am I. As part of his honest disclosure, I’ve found out that she was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to him, especially when he told her he loved me and wanted to end it. She would threaten him with threats of telling their HR department, our kids, and me. Once she beat him up so badly that she broke her own thumb. This has all been supported by texts as well as photos of the physical harm she caused my husband. He still tells me she was “nice” to him “most of the time”. I am so confused by this—I have never abused my husband in this way—we’ve had our issues like any other marriage but certainly nothing to that degree. I am very angry that he would allow this, stay with someone who did it no matter what the consequences, as well as angry at this woman for doing this. Has anyone been through something like this? Seeing counselors but looking for some real feedback/advice. And no, he does not want to pursue legal action based on the physical assault, he just wants to leave it and move forward.

Cooley2here posted 12/8/2019 12:42 PM

Your middle aged man got the thrill of a life time by having an affair with someone as volatile as she is. You are the safe, loving wife. This was probably the same as bungee jumping, or roller coaster riding, or swimming with sharks. It certainly does not sound like a love affair. It sounds like he got high as a kite on the crazy. There are so many blogs and posters here, who write about how crazy their spouses behaved when they hit middle age. It makes no sense because it is senseless. He probably looks back and wonders what happened to him. My husband got a crush on a woman who ran a store. She was completely disinterested in him but he acted like an idiot for about two months until his brain finally woke up. He denies it but I watched him. This is the man who cheated very early in our marriage and behaved himself until he hit middle-age and then there was no cheating just him acting like an idiot.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:42 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

EllieKMAS posted 12/8/2019 12:53 PM

You might get better and more pertinent advice if you provide a little more detail. Was this a long term affair (LTA)? How long had they worked together? Is OW married or dating?

I'm so sorry you had to find SI. Please take time to read in the healing library in the upper left as well as reading other threads. You are very freshly off of a Dday, and I want to caution you that the chances are very high that you don't have the whole story yet. Most cheaters don't give the whole story up front. They minimize and tell you juuuuuust enough to seem truthful. Please prepare yourself for TT. It almost always happens, and speaking from experience, DDay2 is in a lot of ways way worse than DDay1.

landclark posted 12/8/2019 13:00 PM

I can only speak from my experience with my WH. His first AP was manipulative and emotionally unhinged. He’s very non-confrontational, and I think he believed he deserved the mistreatment. That he was the reason she was like that. She held all the power in the relationship. She would lose her shit, and then the next day (or even the same day) start back up as his fantasy dream girl, apologize, and get all lovey dovey again. I think it was the thrill of the rollercoaster ride that kept him going. So while he didn’t love the crazy, he felt it was earned, and would get a thrill from her building him back up. Despite her being like that, she ultimately was the one who ultimately ended it.

From what I’ve read of their conversations, I’m honestly shocked that she never reached out to me. She did take some chances, I think to intentionally but subtly try to get him busted.

It’s amazing how through infidelity, we realize who people really are and what they’re willing to do for those ego boosts.

Chaos posted 12/8/2019 13:39 PM

Oh yes. HE was living life in the fast lane with AP and had his safety net of his wife and family at home. He saw her as a form of thrill seeking and a challenge to conquer.

Middle aged stupidity at it's worst.

Trustedtoomuch posted 12/8/2019 14:54 PM

@Ellie this was an LTA 18 months and they have worked together for years. I am sure it was an emotional affair for years before the sex started.

Robert22205https posted 12/8/2019 16:33 PM

Speak to an attorney about getting a court order against her (to keep her distance).

amethyst0323 posted 12/8/2019 18:22 PM


My husband had an affair with a co-worker who was abusive.

It started when she told him her marriage was awful and her husband raped and beat her. My husband has always had a KISA need and she fed him everything she knew he needed. On top of the claims of her husband she used work colleagues bullying her, family illness, in laws treating her like dirt etc.

This fulfilled my husband KISA need and obviously the whole “I’ve never met anyone like you” bs gave him lots of ego boosts.

Their affair was really volatile at points. They argued a lot (we hardly ever argue), she threatened to commit suicide (disappearing off line), self harmed and sent him pictures (whilst blaming him), threatened to tell me and everyone else about the affair and was also physically abusive - she hit him in their workplace at one point.

During their affair he was terrified of me finding out and she knew that so she had all the power. She told him she separated from her husband during the affair and at the end that they had divorced ( more lies because they are still married and as soon as my husband deleted her from Instagram she went back to posting family pictures on it). He thought she had nothing to lose.

Since the end of the affair he has worked on himself, he is trying to figure out lots of things still. I would often say “why her, why not someone nice like me.” And he would often say because nobody like you would do the things I and her have done. All people involved in affair still have issues and are broken. Some are complete nutcases.

My husband was dealing with a lot of trauma due to his family during the affair and he looks back now and see that one of the main addictions with her was the volatility. He got a release for his anger. The arguing gave him a release for his anger. He’s still working on understanding a lot about himself and his affair. I think when abuse is involved in affairs it makes it even harder to figure out.

I would say your husband needs to look at why he allowed this relationship, what he got from it, what was he seeking or needing and why.

It is incredible difficult to understand as a BS why your spouse chooses to cheat but then when you throw an abusive relationship into the mix too it is even harder to understand. I can see the ego kibbles and thrills he got but can’t understand how he sustained a relationship with her. He even shared with me before the relationship turned physical (she was a friend) that she would lose her temper badly with him if he said something she didn’t like.

It is a very slow, long process. We are 20months out from dday2 and I would say it is only now we are beginning to make good progress (although the fact we still worked with her for about 16 months after dday2 didn’t help).

Be prepared for ups and downs and the possibility of more truths to come out. Reconciling is not easy but if it is what you want you can do it as long as your husband is 100% honest and puts in a ton of hard work.

hopefullife posted 12/8/2019 19:44 PM

I'm sorry you are here.

My POSH's AP sounds a lot like yours. She was manipulative, threatening, but he went with her anyway. At first he said he was so afraid she'd tell me and I'll leave him. So when it all blew over he could breathe again. But then he missed her and left me. I've often wondered myself why. I think it has a lot to do with ego. Our husbands are so sick in their souls they'd rather have someone abusive, who'd do whatever physical or emotional strategy there is to keep them tied them, than stay in a healthy relationship. You won't stay in such environment if you don't love them, so that also.

All I can say to you is if you decide to R, do not be lenient. Be watchful. Be careful. Do not give your trust easily. Gather evidence. In my case he eventually returned to her and it was even more damaging than the first discovery. Any signs of straying, you take all the evidence you need and decide for your own sake.

Dispirited posted 12/12/2019 20:54 PM

My husband was dealing with a lot of trauma due to his family during the affair and he looks back now and see that one of the main addictions with her was the volatility. He got a release for his anger. The arguing gave him a release for his anger. He’s still working on understanding a lot about himself and his affair. I think when abuse is involved in affairs it makes it even harder to figure out.

That's his seems that so many assume that a psyche problem suddenly becomes an "inherited' issue with their spouse or partner. Understandably, their spouse or partner may be empathetic, YET- their spouse or partner is not responsible to fix them. Realization of one's shortcomings is the first step...but realization of the fact that we all have "issues" is important. Denial of the obvious lends to even greater issues. Blame is not to be put upon anyone else. Blame is a never-ending denial to address your own issues.

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