Hi Laya1234hubby, I'm not going to write about how to care for your BS because others have done that. I'll write about what it looks like from the my WS perspective.
At the same time you are learning about your whys, you also develop or strengthen healthy coping mechanisms, put them into place when you are under stress (especially in low-level stress because then you get practice), and communicate what is happening to your BS, if she wants to know.
Here's what that looks like, a low-level example.
Learning about whys: I know that one of my whys is that I believed my husband did not love me for several years before the affair. I thought there was a part of him that despised me and I believed that he was tolerating me because he thought he had to, as a dutiful husband. This is linked to FOO. My father got angry at something I did and, after saying some remarkably horrible things, stopped speaking to me when I was 13. So I lived with a parent who tolerated but did not like me for several years. (He died suddenly when I was 17 so it never got resolved.) So when my husband is quiet around me, I revert to thinking that's what's going on. It's not even thinking, really, it's a belief.
Develop or strengthen healthy coping mechanisms: This is what you do as daily practices when you are not under stress. I've done tons of different kinds. Being alert to when I'm having an emotional reaction and name it, practice a variety of things to lower cortisol (prayer, self-talk, breathing), ask my husband or friends for the specific things I need to hear, recruit strengths that I already have like facing physical fears to practice facing emotional fears, etc.
Put it into place when I'm under stress: This will sound a bit silly to you but it was incredibly real for me. My husband had a very nasty cold and a sore throat a couple of weeks ago. We talk regularly during the day and most evenings we go out for a walk together. He was unable to talk because of the sore throat and having to talk at work as best he could. I went into a mild state of panic. It took me a bit to figure out what was going on but then I realized that his not talking to me had activated that old problem. In my rational mind, I knew that he was not rejecting me, tolerating me, disliking or hating me. But when I checked myself, I felt like he was and a part of me believed it was happening. So I got all my healthy coping mechanisms together (and let's be honest, a few mild unhealthy ones but they were not hurtful to other people) and spent a lot of the week coaching myself through those difficult feelings and trying to reduce the panic.
Communicating with BS: As soon as I figured it out, I told him (obviously not making it his fault or blaming him) and he knew throughout the week this was going on. He helped as best he could, but it left his mind a few times (because it's a nonsensical interpretation of what was happening). I asked directly for reassurance when I really needed it and let him know how and what I was doing. It was scary to ask for reassurance. Part of me will never quite believe it's going to come and the devil on my shoulder tells me that the old thing is true: he has finally decided the affair made me someone he could not tolerate, he has finally figured out he's too good for me, etc. Asking for reassurance when those thoughts are coming zinging at you a hundred miles an hour is terrifying.
At the end of that episode, he could tell that instead of ignoring my upset feelings, shoving them away and letting them grow, allowing resentment to grow against him for not noticing or caring for my feelings, and self-soothing in ways that are increasingly destructive to myself and others, I can handle the problems that arise.
Times that by lots and lots of episodes and he begins to believe and trust that I have made genuine change.
It won't happen right away. And it's really hard. Those feelings don't go away when I bring in better coping. Those feelings and thoughts that come like arrows really, really suck, and I want to crawl into a cave and die rather than check them out and run the risk that they are true. But the better coping takes the edge off and gives me enough distance from my reactive emotions to deal with in a better way.
I should note that my husband was unbelievably gentle, understanding, supportive, and loving. He didn't rugsweep, deny or minimize his own response, but he very much set it aside when he was helping me, to return to it later. And he accepted whatever I was able to offer him at each step. It was still hard to do everything I described above, but I know it would have been much harder if he hadn't been like that.
[This message edited by Pippin at 4:25 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]