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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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Thumos posted 12/12/2019 17:50 PM

One more thing: we're not the only ones that recommend polygraphs. If you look at the Wayward forum here on SI you will see page after page of former wayward spouses giving advice to new cheaters on how to help their spouses heal.

Guess what they recommend over and over again as one big step these adulterers can do right away? Yep, you guessed it: write a timeline and offer to do a polygraph.

BeyondRage posted 12/12/2019 18:08 PM

Reading books does not help reconciliation if shes still lying. Right now she is cover her ass mode and you do not know why for sure. You are doing a good job of convincing yourself with no proof that she is for real.

And the proof of that is that you are TOTALLY rejecting both pieces of advice that most of the people are giving you.

A VAR in her car will tell you in a very short time some or all of what you need to know. You can bet she is discussing it with her girlfriend. And you will know very quickly if she is still talking to OM. Why would you not want to know either of these things??????

And if youre playing the odds, they are overwhelmingly in your favor on the polygraph.

It will be interesting to see what you uncover with your phone exercise. i would not bet the ranch that there will be anything there that doesn't jive with her story.

Good job on the OBS, but you need information from her or it means nothing. Her husband may be real good at gaslighting.

You can solve the riddles if you want to.

faithfulman posted 12/12/2019 18:24 PM

This0is0Fine

I know she got my message and that it got her out of fixing nowhere.

What does the bolded part of the quote mean?


+++++++++++++++

This0is0Fine: Forget the cheating and lying (but don't really forget it). it sounds to me like your wife is kind of erratic and mental.

I think this about a lot of cheating spouses because they do and say a whole bunch crazy shit.

Think this part over. Do you truly want to be with someone like her - remorseful or not? She sounds off. I am sorry to say it like that.

And that is without even considering the anxiety stuff and the history of suicide in her family.

Now add that on top. Do you have kids with her? Would you want someone who has already behaved the way she has to be passing her behavioral patterns and biological mental issues down to your children?

If you already have children please do not take offense to what I have written.

I just hope you give serious thought to what you are trying to win back and what it means for your long-term future.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:25 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 18:52 PM

I know she got my message and that it got her out of fixing nowhere

faithfulman, I'm assuming he was typing on his phone and struggling with pesky autocorrect, and it meant "that it hit her out of fucking nowhere" -- at least that's what I translated as I read it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:52 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Skoochnski posted 12/12/2019 18:58 PM

The general consensus seems to be that she is having a physical affair. I would concur. Sheís not going to keep lying and hiding an emotional affair. Whereís the worth in that? Her actions show that sheís further invested than that.

However, beyond that, the APís wife most likely wonít get that Facebook message. Facebook messenger puts messages from non-friends into a hidden folder and you are not notified of it. Itís a way to combat spam and Nigerian princes.

You can combat this two ways:

1.) Send her a friend request. Messenger will show messages from people who send you a friend request.
2.) If her account is public, comment on one of her posts with the comment ďCheck your private messages.Ē


Iím so sorry this is happening to you. But youíre among friends now. Weíre here for you. Weíve been there and weíll help you through this.


*edited for typo*

[This message edited by Skoochnski at 7:00 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 19:00 PM

^ this guy reads auto correct.

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/12/2019 19:47 PM

Hey This0is0Fine-

It may not seem like it but you are making good progress. Many of us floundered for weeks, months or years...

Did your W give you her phone, were the texts still on it?

Did the blowback come from your wife? Did her BF tell her that you contacted his wife?

Sad thing is that no one seems suicidal for holding hands and chatting. They went on biz trips together, multiple days. He asked her to stay with him, she lied about who she was meeting.
I always hope for the best but this looks like she has crossed many lines and the A is deeper than she has so far admitted to.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 7:55 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

faithfulman posted 12/12/2019 19:49 PM

Thanks Thumos!

I figured it was an autocorrect snafu, but I couldn't figure it out!

Jameson1977 posted 12/12/2019 20:13 PM

I think MickeyBill2016 is bang on.

My WW did attempt suicide about a week after dday. She has suffered from clinical depression for years and at about a week after dday, it became was too much for her. Thankfully, I was right there to intervene.

I was obsessed and relentless about details and telling her exactly how I felt about her (absolutely no filter), and I knew she was still lying, so I just kept at it and it was too much for her.

I would keep an eye on her and if you are able to, separate yourself from her when things get too heated.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 21:37 PM

Pack it up boys. It's divorce time.

layla1234 posted 12/12/2019 21:42 PM

What happened?

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/12/2019 21:50 PM

Sorry man...

Did she wipe the phone? Or you found out more facts?

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 22:17 PM

She actually handed me the phone but took it away once I went to hook it up to the computer. We had a very big argument about how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy. I told her I wasn't sorry I did that. She tried to shift blame. I took none of it. It's over. It should be an amicable divorce.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:18 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 22:22 PM

Okay This0is0Fine, now you know what youíre dealing with.

Hard 180. Disengage. I repeat. Disengage. Only communicate about basic divorce issues, get a separation agreement pronto before she does.

Get your finances separated immediately! Establish a new checking account to have your paycheck deposited there. Protect all of your finances!

Continue to protect yourself with the VAR in your pocket.

You may also want to post in the divorce section of SI as those folks have been into territory we havenít.

She isnít special and she never was. Yes you spent 10 years married to her ó and donít think you chose poorly, you didnít ó but she knocked herself off the pedestal so donít try to put her back up there. Donít succumb to oneitis. There are an unbelievable number of quality women right there in your city who would never do this to you.

Her attachment to the OM will wear thin pretty quickly and then sheíll realize she lost two men, one of whom who never cheated on her and who never participated in an affair. It will hit her hard.

Grey rock her. Next her. Move on.

-Tell her family so she canít weasel out of what sheís done and so she canít negotiate a soft landing with them. You donít need to protect her reputation from them.
-get tested for STDs
-let the OBS know you are moving on divorce
-see a divorce attorney immediately
-get a VAR for your pocket to protect yourself in any interactions with her the next several months

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:25 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 22:32 PM

She actually handed me the phone but took it away once I went to hook it up to the computer. We had a very big argument about how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy. I told her I wasn't sorry I did that. She tried to shift blame. I took none of it. It's over. It should be an amicable divorce.

You did everything right here. Hatís off to you, sir.

She confirmed:

-Thereís a shit ton of incriminating evidence in the phone she deleted and is worried you will retrieve.
-that she was in contact with OM and affair was hot and heavy
-sex happened
-you blew up her fantasy world

You should also report the entire thing to her HR department unless your divorce attorney thinks it will affect the divorce decree and alimony.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 22:37 PM

Donít be surprised if she comes crawling back to you fairly soon now that the affair fantasy is over. Her AP is now dealing with his own shitshow and is probably backpedaling away from your wife furiously. Her plan A/plan B strategy is imploding in front of her eyes ó so you will need to decide what you want to do when she comes back to you pleading and weeping.

Alternatively she could be using this as an exit affair ó in which case this makes your life somewhat easier. Even if itís an exit affair, whatever fantasy relationship she and the OM developed will not last long under harsh sunlight.

Now focus on you, yourself and thee.

-drink lots of water
-Eat a clean diet
-Sleep as much as you can
-Avoid alcohol
-Consider hitting the iron temple for some heavy lifting - cardio and other exercise wonít calm and relieve stress for a man the way weights will.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:38 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

RubixCubed posted 12/12/2019 22:49 PM

@This0is0Fine
You have great clarity and you are on the right track. Make yourself the priority from here on out, she has shown you that you are not one of her priorities. Hang in there and keep on going.

@Thumos do you realize you just posted 16 of the past 32 comments many 3 posts in a row. You are flooding the OP so much you mute out the rest. There are 72,200 some odd members here and you are making half the posts on any given thread.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/12/2019 22:54 PM

T0I0F

Major DARVO-ing her. Let her go.

There is no point in arguing with someone who has lost all sense of reality, and wants to stay in that land of unicorns and faeries.

As others have posted, when/if she leaves unicorn-land, she will pursue you with a vengeance, as you are her safety net in the real world.

If you decide to get back together with her now, you will only set yourself up for more pain, as you will possibly end up as an emotional punching bag for her, as she grieves at the unfairness you shoved upon her by making her break up with her boyfriend.

If you want any chance at a possibly successful R, you will need the full truth for an iota of a chance. Without it, you will have lingering doubts for the rest of the M, and possibly the rest of your life.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 23:01 PM

@Thumos do you realize you just posted 16 of the past 32 comments many 3 posts in a row. You are flooding the OP so much you mute out the rest. There are 72,200 some odd members here and you are making half the posts on any given thread.

I suppose OP can tell me if it's not helpful. I'll let him decide.

Most of those three in a row posts are basically one post. I just break them up to avoid wall of text. I tend to be able to write quickly and think quickly. I assume if the advice I'm offering isn't helpful, the OP will say something.

EDIT: Why aren't those 72,000 members saying something? I imagine they are like I was for three years, lurking and confused and silent. I don't know. It's a theory.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:04 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

faithfulman posted 12/12/2019 23:16 PM

Posted by This0is0Fine

She actually handed me the phone but took it away once I went to hook it up to the computer. We had a very big argument about how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy. I told her I wasn't sorry I did that. She tried to shift blame. I took none of it. It's over. It should be an amicable divorce.

Like I wrote, cheating spouses do and say a whole bunch of crazy shit.

***

She knew you contacted the other betrayed spouse because she was not only still in contact with the affair partner, but still actively cheating.

And, her reply about destroying a family you had no right to destroy is like saying:

1) She wasn't the one who destroyed that family!
2) Who gives a fuck about you and how you were destroyed?!

++++

Divorce her, divorce her fast, and I bet that in a year or so she will be in a much worse state than she is right now.

Run Forrest Run!

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:18 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

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