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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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MickeyBill2016 posted 12/12/2019 23:22 PM

You hurt her and destroyed a family? Nope.
Actually her and her AP destroyed the family. Two families to be honest. I guess you have the info that proves she cheated, and did the favor to the OBS and that was a big solid you did for her.

Welcome to the roller coaster, time to check with a lawyer to see what divorce will look like, split all your finances and update the insurance policies.

Prepare yourself for all kinds of feelings, right now you are sure bout D, in a week or a month you may change that to R. It's ok to figure what you need.

Stick around here and learn the pattern that most cheating spouses have done to their partners. We have seen it all.

Keep posting when you need to.

Marz posted 12/12/2019 23:38 PM

We had a very big argument about how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy. I told her I wasn't sorry I did that.

Nope, her and her AP did the damage.

How did she know? Sounds like they are still very much in contact.

The good thing is you aren't losing much.

Move on with your life.

CatsNTats posted 12/13/2019 01:59 AM

how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy

Throw that shit pie back in her face and let her know she destroyed that family - and hers.

ShutterHappy posted 12/13/2019 05:08 AM

We had a very big argument about how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy. I told her I wasn't sorry I did that. She tried to shift blame. I took none of it.

If you look on top of page 5, I wrote that this would happen...

Of course you didnít destroy his family, your WW cheating destroy both families. The OM cheating destroyed both families.

When informing the OBS, they always say that.

I hope that the warning helped you with that stupid Wayward thinking. Thatís one of the main benefit of SI.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:57 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

Butforthegrace posted 12/13/2019 05:09 AM

We had a very big argument about how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy.

Cheater 101. Lol, your WW is such a cliche. "Um, honey, you destroyed that family when you fucked their husband and father and participated in a lie to hide it. I merely gave them the dignity of knowing the truth."

Tamers1955 posted 12/13/2019 05:27 AM

Putting her poor affair partners feelings in front of yours.Think that says it all ,even if all they did(really) was hold hands .His wife deserved to know,and you had to find out right away ,so you could know, what you have to forgive her for.
If she is as innocent as she is trying to make it ,surely any rational person would see your position ,that you would like to believe her .I think her reaction since discovering says it all.ie running awake then taking the phone back ,if it was me I would be happy with going through the texts.

ShutterHappy posted 12/13/2019 05:28 AM

This0is0Fine: you seem to be the no nonsense type. Short answers, straight to the point. So hereís a short comment:

She may crawl back... you may change your mind but in that case, stick to your requirements... You may also get extra info from the OBS.

If you choose to stick to D, none of it is your problem now. You can ask questions in the D forum if you need it.

Either way, youíll be just fine, Iím sure of it.

annb posted 12/13/2019 06:23 AM

Please do not feel one iota of guilt for contacting the other OBS.

BTW, how did she know you made the contact? Did you tell your wife or did the OM tell her?

In any case, I hope OBS knows as her health could be at risk and she deserves to know her husband is a lying POS. Allow her to make the decision for her life.

The two people who destroyed lives are your wife and the other man.

I'm sorry, your situation is moving along pretty fast, I hope you understand by now that the members here have years of knowledge about infidelity, cheaters all follow the same pattern.

nekonamida posted 12/13/2019 06:27 AM

Good for you, This0. Don't take any blame and stay strong on your boundaries.

steadychevy posted 12/13/2019 06:27 AM

As ha been suggested by Thumos, watch out that she doesn't come back and love bomb to gain time and the upper hand. There's a term that also describes this action. It's "hooverong" after the vacuum cleaner and means sucking you back in. She might not but be prepared.

Get a VAR and carry it at all times. False DV charges are real and happen too often to be considered a one off. Protect yourself.

When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

RubixCubed posted 12/13/2019 07:52 AM

Thumos replied: Why aren't those 72,000 members saying something? I imagine they are like I was for three years, lurking and confused and silent. I don't know. It's a theory.

If you had posted on your own threads the way you post replies you would have gotten more help than you would know what to do with, but would you take it. I have been a registered member here during the times you speak and I don't recall you posting. You just signed up this year so it seems unlikely you posted for help the last 3 years. You seem to have some really good stuff to say it just gets buried in your own wall of text. I'm just saying condense your message for more acknowledgement from the ones you seek to help.

nekonamida posted 12/13/2019 08:15 AM

This0is0fire, I know that you will be moving on to D and that's a good idea as long as she is blaming you for everything. But I want to caution you that backpedaling and flip flopping from her could still happen. You DON'T want to get caught up in hopium the second she backs down from blaming you and give up on holding her accountable.

Let's just look at what she's been saying happened logically. First she says it was a mutual attraction with hand holding that ended after he made a real move on her and she declined. THEN she says it was entirely her, she kept making moves on him, and he always pushed back. If the first version was true or more true, why the month of escalating texting after that incident if she knew she was playing with fire? Why couldn't she easily cut him off when asked to choose if nothing more happened? And if the second version is true, how would that destroy his family? Why would his wife threaten to leave over him be pursued by a woman he kept turning down?

I don't think either version makes sense. I think there's a third version possibly with elements of the other two where a lot more has happened than you know about. It's the only thing that makes sense and the only reason why she's not willing to let you see the texts. It sounds like if the OM's marriage is in danger, it's because he admitted to some of what really happened and if she knows how bad he's got it right now, it's because she's still talking to him when she shouldn't be.

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 08:28 AM

You just signed up this year so it seems unlikely you posted for help the last 3 years.

No I didnít. I donít recall saying that so not sure how you came up with that. I lurked on this site for three years without signing up and only became a member earlier this year. And even then I didnít make my first post until August of this year.

There is a very long thread in the reconciliation section about my situation - one of the longest in that section most recently ó and I have been seeking advice and getting help since August.

I wish I had taken action much sooner, which is why Iím passionate about trying to help newly betrayed spouses avoid the same traps and pitfalls.

If itís unhelpful I expect OP will take it or leave it as he sees fit. I think itís good advice and spot on. I think details and context are important. Our attention spans have declined rapidly the past 10 years.

KingofNothing posted 12/13/2019 09:08 AM

We had a very big argument about how me telling the OBS hurt her and destroyed a family I had no right to destroy. I told her I wasn't sorry I did that

This0is0Fine I've read this thread all the way through. Last time I saw, you had reached out to TOS via Facebook, and had to create a new fake profile to do it. Did that actually work, or did you have to reach out to her using a different method? You don't really mention comparing notes with TOS anywhere I can see. How did that go? Was she aware of the affair or did the AR feed her a line of BS?

BTW, how did she know you made the contact? Did you tell your wife or did the OM tell her?

That's the reason I'm asking.

If you are moving ahead with the D, you have my sympathy and empathy. Did you have any luck with actually retrieving the texts, or did she delete all of them?

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:18 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

KingofNothing posted 12/13/2019 09:15 AM

No I didnít. I donít recall saying that so not sure how you came up with that. I lurked on this site for three years without signing up and only became a member earlier this year.

Thumos' posts have been helpful to me. I kind of came up with my own half assed plan of action (strongly resembling the 180 before I even knew it existed), but his follow on bullet pointed responses and checklists have reminded me of things I have missed. He doesn't soft-soap anything (and might come up as brusque to some people) but that should be the least of people's worries right now. I understand he's coming from a place of support.

There is a very long thread in the reconciliation section about my situation - one of the longest in that section most recently ó and I have been seeking advice and getting help since August.

How do you search old threads like that on here? I was told you can't do that by the admins.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:19 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 09:49 AM

He doesn't soft-soap anything (and might come up as brusque to some people) but that should be the least of people's worries right now.

Thanks KingofNothing.

I am brusque but I do care deeply. Weíre all anonymous souls in pain trying to navigate one of the most painful life experiences and tragedies anyone can endure. Iím brusque for two reasons: 1) because the patterns of cheaters are nauseatingly repetitive and so banal as to be utterly unremarkable 2) because Iíve seen the other approach of soft peddling things doesnít work as well.

The only thing Iíve really seen that works is laying out a detailed action plan without sugarcoating it and making it clear that if steps are skipped, the results are less satisfactory.

After the initial action plan, things get murkier and much harder. But the initial stage is best handled with lightning quick speed and specific actions and itís become pretty obvious what those steps are in almost every situation.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:51 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 09:53 AM

Anyway this is all a threadjack - letís focus on OP and helping him with candid, actionable, common sense advice.

HellFire posted 12/13/2019 10:01 AM

Right now..today.. you need to get that var. Wayward wives, are notorious for filing false domestic violence charges against their betrayed husbands, once they realize they have lost control of them.


You are a prime target, my friend. For many reasons. She will need to make you the bad guy, to her friends and family. She will also want the other man to come running, and play knight in shining armor.

You need to get that var right now. And keep it on you at all times. Even when she is not in the room. Have it on you all the time.


Several months ago, a betrayed husband was posting here. He talked about how he was sitting on his couch one night, and there was a knock at the door. His wife came running down the stairs, hair in disarray, mascara streaking down her face. She opened the door, to the police, and told them that he had been pushing her around. He was arrested. And he had been doing nothing, but sitting on his couch. He hadn't even spoken to her that evening.

Get the var. You are in danger. You need to protect yourself. Please don't think, "she won't do that to me." Because I bet you never thought she would do what she's been doing, right?

ShutterHappy posted 12/13/2019 10:06 AM

How do you search old threads like that on here? I was told you can't do that by the admins.

Click on his smiley face beside his name, then post history.

PM me if you need to find old threads, I might be able to help.

Sometimes too much is like not enough. YMMV

Booyah posted 12/13/2019 10:09 AM

Just wanted to point out that she's acting/saying all this crap over "holding hands"?

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