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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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BigMammaJamma posted 12/13/2019 10:27 AM

What Booyah said.

This0is0Fine posted 12/13/2019 10:39 AM

While I still don't have the texts to confirm, and I don't trust her, I do think this was an emotional affair. I think she got off on the sexual tension at work because there was no dip or even an uptick in our sex life. Surely she was thinking of him. The "complete" story is that there were hugs that lasted too long and denied kisses. Essentially there were four times it started to get physical, each time initiated by my WW and shut down by the OM because they thought as long as it didn't get physical they weren't doing anything to hurt each other's families. The hand holding happened in the taxi ride home from the business trip (current story, I'm probably being trickle truthed). She was clearly falling in love with him. She has cut all contact and the OM has cut all contact (or they are underground). The OBS definitely knows but has still not contacted me back.

HellFire posted 12/13/2019 10:59 AM

One thing you will learn, from reading on here, is that men don't get involved in affairs to make eyes,flirt, and hug. They're in it for the sex. Maybe not all men, but 99% of them, when distance isn't a factor. Maybe your wife's AP is the rare 1%. Possible. Not probable.

nekonamida posted 12/13/2019 11:04 AM

How would she know that you ruined OM's marriage without contact? Because if you told OBS her most recent version of things, that actually says some positive things about OM denying her advances. He crossed lines and had an EA but it does put more blame on your WW. I'm just saying it isn't believable that his OBS would jump straight to D over this unless there is more that OM admitted to her.

This0is0Fine posted 12/13/2019 11:21 AM

I don't know that there other couple is getting a D. I just know that I blindsided the OBS, she hasn't asked for more info. I know there are repercussions. I know the last FB messages they sent (my WW showed them to me) "I never meant to hurt your family" "me neither, I'm so sorry" she was unfriended by him, removed by him on IG. My WW said she couldn't believe she blew a twelve year relationship over two months of will they won't they sexual tension. I said it really didn't seem reasonable to me either but if we can't have trust and forgiveness we can't R.

Jameson1977 posted 12/13/2019 11:37 AM

Recover the messages, this will point you in the right direction and will serve as a basis to assess if your wife is being truthful.

Hellfire is correct, very few (the 1%) men get into A's for emotional reasons. I'd you dont get enough from text recovery, a polygraph would be the next step.

If it is as your WW has described, she should have no problems with a polygraph. You probably only need to ask one question.

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 11:41 AM

I know the last FB messages they sent (my WW showed them to me) "I never meant to hurt your family" "me neither, I'm so sorry" she was unfriended by him, removed by him on IG.

Stay frosty - she's still managing the information flow. Tell her to hand the phone over or you're done. Or maybe you're already at that stage. I know you already did this once, and she took it back -- meaning she's worried the phone has lots of buried evidence of something more profound than what she's telling you.

By the way, my WW pulled a version of this same thing the first time I "soft" confronted her with phone records in the middle of the affair. She responded by invoking an in-home separation and had me absolutely convinced that I'd falsely accused her. Your wife just 100 percent gaslit you by agreeing to give you the phone, then taking it back and getting in a shouting match and stalking out of the house.

My WW said she couldn't believe she blew a twelve year relationship over two months of will they won't they sexual tension.

As others have pointed out, this doesn't add up very well. Two month affairs aren't junior high excursions. Two months is a pretty long time during which they had 8 hours a day at work to carry on in some form or fashion, and the average length of plenty of physical sexual affairs is 2-3 months. They are adults. They had sex or were planning to very soon.

I assume you have an appointment with a divorce attorney pronto. You should move forward with that with all haste whether you want to R or not.

And please don't skip getting a VAR to keep on your person today.

This0is0Fine posted 12/13/2019 12:15 PM

I think I need to make an important clarification. They worked together yes, but my wife splits time between three main offices and the OM was only at one that she went to once or twice a week at most.

ShutterHappy posted 12/13/2019 12:35 PM

Right now, at this moment, the most important part is that she is not complying to your demands. Thatís all you need to know.

If she does (in the future), you are allowed to maybe change your mind, find the truth, and have her rebuild trust.

Fishin4happyness posted 12/13/2019 12:49 PM

I said it really didn't seem reasonable to me either but if we can't have trust and forgiveness we can't R.

Obviously, you're going to do you. But from my perspective, forgiveness and broken trust needs to be earned and regained over a long period of consistent actions. Your quote above is you fighting to rug sweep. One thing to consider about verifying the truth is that it's for you keep your own thoughts in check. If your wife says she's doing something that you are not sure about, you are going to trigger hard for some time(ask anyone here). Verify. It's something we do with our kids, business and nearly everything else in life, so why the hesitation here? As time goes by and you have checked enough times, your trust will start to reform. Without this, I don't see how you rebuild the trust. You only have her word to go on and she is a proven liar.

Sorry, missed where you said it's over, this changes the context of your quote. Best of luck moving forward.

[This message edited by Fishin4happyness at 1:28 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

NotInMyLife posted 12/13/2019 12:52 PM

At this point, the level of physical involvement is irrelevant. Your wife has confessed to betraying you with intention to deepening that betrayal. She is balking at letting your see the texts because she knows that they will put her in a very bad light and is more interested in avoiding that than clearing the field for to create a foundation for reconciliation. Even if she were to follow through with breaking up with her current AP (which she clearly has not done), her current attitude shows that she does not prioritize your marriage and renders her an unsafe partner for you.

Start the 180 U-turn and proceed with plans to divorce. That means a consultation with a lawyer and starting individual therapy for yourself. None of that stops your wife from actually implementing a plan for herself, nor does it preclude the possibility of reconciliation sometime in the future. What it does is protects you from anymore of her lies and manipulation.


[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 12:54 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/13/2019 12:53 PM

I said it really didn't seem reasonable to me either but if we can't have trust and forgiveness we can't R.

Very good response, not angry or mean. Just stating a fact that she can't argue with.

Will you be getting the texts?

Unsure2019 posted 12/13/2019 13:17 PM

The way she reacted when you tried to hook up her phone to your computer is troubling and it should be more than troubling to you too. You canít even start to heal with this kind of behavior and without knowing what was on them. Get the texts now. Hard 180 until she gives them up.

faithfulman posted 12/13/2019 14:40 PM

If anyone else told you his wife had an 8-week affair, but they never progressed past holding hands and kissing, but they texted each other 35 times a day for a month and wanted to fuck, but one of them wouldn't allow it + the wife is hiding her texts and would rather divorce than let her husband see them - would you say to them "it's probably just an emotional affair, no sex."?

Marz posted 12/13/2019 14:55 PM

Betrayed spouse syndrome.

Deep denial

Booyah posted 12/13/2019 15:05 PM

I'll repeat it one more time.

Her blowing up on you and all of this was due to "holding hands"???

YEAH RIGHT!!!

If you believe this pull on my other leg and it plays jingle bells.

Unsure2019 posted 12/13/2019 15:07 PM

I donít want to pile on here, but several times in this thread youíve said thatís it, itís over itís done. Then almost immediately you start backtracking and minimizing whatís sheís done. I know you want to save your marriage, but the best chance you have is to be willing to let it go. Man up and stay that way.

Robert22205https posted 12/13/2019 15:19 PM

Your wife is in damage control for herself (not you) and will say and promise anything.

Stay strong. It takes a lot of courage to face the fear of loosing your marriage and your wife.

It's tempting to avoid pain and hide from the truth (EA or PA) in the short run - but in the long run the unknown (plus your imagination) will eat away at you and sabotage your marriage.

Why? because you can't 'forgive' or 'forget' what you don't know.

If a PA is a deal breaker for you (and there is plenty of evidence to justify being suspicious), then insist on a timeline, subject to a polygraph test (to save time and to discourage more lies).

Your wife's deceit and inappropriate behavior has already destroyed your trust & marriage. The polygraph test is just a tool to help restore trust.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:24 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

RubixCubed posted 12/13/2019 16:05 PM

Essentially there were four times it started to get physical, each time initiated by my WW and shut down by the OM because they thought as long as it didn't get physical they weren't doing anything to hurt each other's families.

My WW said she couldn't believe she blew a twelve-year relationship over two months of will they won't they sexual tension.

Assuming you have the truth, which is a mighty big assumption, which I seriously doubt.
You are basing your decision on the fact that "it was only an EA". That wasn't for lack of trying by your wife. If the OP had said Yes you'd be dealing with a PA and it would still be going on. If you eat the shit sandwich and work it out with her what will happen when the next crush says Yes?

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 4:12 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

RubixCubed posted 12/13/2019 16:12 PM

Thumos posted: I donít recall saying that so not sure how you came up with that.

This.

Why aren't those 72,000 members saying something? I imagine they are like I was for three years, lurking and confused and silent. I don't know. It's a theory.

Users can't reply if you never made a post, to begin with. That's post-facto whining, but carry on, I'm done with it, as you don't seem to want to take advice just give it.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 4:14 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

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