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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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MickeyBill2016 posted 12/13/2019 16:19 PM

Just curious about the 1000 text messages.
Can you tell if 800 are from your WW and 200 from her AP or are they sort of equal.

I think you need to read those messages before you offer to R. Or to commit to D. They are key.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:04 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

This0is0Fine posted 12/13/2019 16:47 PM

Just curious about the 1000 text messages.
Can you tell if 3800 are from your WW and 200 from her AP or are they sort of equal.
I think you need to read those messages before you offer to R. Or to commit to D. They are key.

Yes indeed. Right now we are on the D track without the texts.

They are approximately equal back and forth.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 5:00 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

This0is0Fine posted 12/13/2019 17:52 PM

She called me and said she would take a polygraph. I didn't ask her directly for it. I told a mutual friend it was an option on the table I didn't feel super comfortable demanding. She must've talked to the same friend and then offered to do it.

faithfulman posted 12/13/2019 17:59 PM

Your wife agreeing to a polygraph is a small step but beware many cheaters agree to the polygraph but never intend to go through with it.

And then the polygraph can often result in a lot more lies being divulged just prior to or during the poly2. See Neanderthal's thread.

However, she wants a polygraph but won't let you see her text messages? Something wrong here buddy.

Marz posted 12/13/2019 17:59 PM

She called me and said she would take a polygraph. I didn't ask her directly for it. I told a mutual friend it was an option on the table I didn't feel super comfortable demanding. She must've talked to the same friend and then offered to do it.

It's your marriage. I'd feel real comfortable demanding a full deleted text recovery from phone.

Better wake up

ShutterHappy posted 12/13/2019 18:05 PM

Before the poly, you need a written timeline. Then you can ask if itís correct

This0is0Fine posted 12/13/2019 18:09 PM

Text messages are still on as a demand. She will still give them to me but she said they wouldn't be hard enough proof nothing happened just soft proof.

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 18:13 PM

As others have said, gotta have full and unfettered access to phone with data recovery, then she writes a detailed narrative timeline of the affair, and THEN you do the polygraph -- in that order. This shouldn't take more than three or four days to accomplish total.

My WW also (recently) agreed to a polygraph. We haven't done it yet because I wanted to see and hear her narrative timeline first. That happened this week. But I'll warn you, WW's are capable of all sorts of stunts. My WW had a full blown panic attack complete with my MIL taking her to the ER when it became apparent I wasn't going to back down from the polygraph.

Can you help us understand why you don't feel comfortable with the polygraph? Aside from your thought process about the marriage being "over" if you need to take it there?

A polygraph is really seen as the best tool in your toolkit for getting the truth -- which you'd need if you were ever to consider reconciliation.

And how do you think about her willingness to do the polygraph paired with her refusal to let you download her phone contents and stalking out on you?

Just to be clear: is she staying somewhere else right now? I wondered because of the secondhand convos you're relating with your friend.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:14 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 18:15 PM

She will still give them to me but she said they wouldn't be hard enough proof nothing happened just soft proof.

ok fine, then there should be no problem giving them to you.

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 18:16 PM

understand we're talking about forensic data recovery on her phone, not just whatever is showing up on there now. You need to know about deleted apps and so on. You do this either with Fonelab or hire a local PI to do it. A little more expensive but worth it if she truly wants to be transparent.

faithfulman posted 12/13/2019 18:19 PM

Dude. Get her fucking phone in your hand and don't give it back until you have gotten everything you want from it.

Or don't give it back at all, give her a new phone, maybe a flip phone whatever

Stop negotiating. This will never work in your favor until you take charge and are the one in control.

One thing about cheaters, both male and female. They are almost 100% chickenshit.

Once you tell them what they have to do now, "or else!", then they start complying.

Sending messages to her via an intermediary is frankly, weak, and diminishes her respect for you.

Respect is everything in a marriage. She has so totally disrespected you that you must demand it.

fareast posted 12/13/2019 18:50 PM

Keep moving ahead and get what information you need. You see her start to capitulate after you contacted the OBS and set your boundaries. She understood you are ready to D. Thatís when the fantasy and defensiveness starts to give way to her reality. It is often said: ď you have to be willing to risk losing the M, in order to have any chance to save it.Ē Get the information you need by the means you need. Youíll figure it out. Just curious are you still planning your trip together next week?

This0is0Fine posted 12/13/2019 19:15 PM

I have already downloaded fonelab.

Regarding the trip, I'm taking future plans a day at a time. Baseline plan is for me to not go.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:16 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

Marz posted 12/13/2019 19:16 PM

Living with the unknown will be a killer. If you are gonna attempt R get what you need now. If not you'll suffer the death of a thousand cuts.

If she's not willing she isn't R material anyway.

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/13/2019 20:41 PM

Offering to take the poly is a good sign. She is not some CIA or MI6 agent trained to beat a lie detector. Take her up on it. But first have her create a timeline so you can use that as a guide.
The timeline should be about when, where and what they did and also important what her thoughts were at the time.

I think you will get good info about the affair. She is just someone who made a long series of decisions to cheat, finding out why she was ok with that is another thing to explore.

cannotforgive posted 12/14/2019 02:59 AM

This0is0Fine, I am with faithfulman on this.

Just get the damn phone and download the messages. The more she keeps it, the less data you will recover as new data deletes/overwrites old data on the phone.

She might even smash it and say it was an accident( it happened to another poster).

Demand a written timeline.Do not be like me. I got half truths and a year into R got nuked with a revelation that destroyed the R and put it back to ground zero. You need the truth upfront.

Speak to a polygraph operator to see how many questions are included. Make sure you also include a question about any sexual activity with AP and with anyone else while you were married.
Good luck.

Bourbonhelps posted 12/14/2019 10:23 AM

Polygraph---- define sexual activity as well. The definition being yours. It could be kissing or more. But I would make sure it defined so there is no wiggle room.

Bourbonhelps posted 12/14/2019 10:23 AM

Polygraph---- define sexual activity as well. The definition being yours. It could be kissing or more. But I would make sure it defined so there is no wiggle room.

Thumos posted 12/14/2019 10:26 AM

Living with the unknown will be a killer. If you are gonna attempt R get what you need now. If not you'll suffer the death of a thousand cuts.

This describes me. Donít be me three years out just coming to grips with this.

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/14/2019 11:48 AM


How is your WW mood? Is she attentive, distant, mean, cranky, quiet ,chatty, clingy? At first, my WW would run thru all of those in a day until we broke contact.

If you have decided on D then save the poly money, if R is still on the table it'll be worth it. The poly is just part of the story, AFAIK the questions can only be yes or no and you are limited to 3 or 4. Sometimes the "parking lot confession" gives more info than the poly.

Before the phone get lost, is updated and reset, is stolen or accidentally run over at the gas station you'll need to get hold of it. It will be tough for you to read cuz it'll be right there in front of you. Her telling him what she wants to do to him or what she wants him to do to her. Seeing sexts your wife sent to another man will be devastating. She will be humiliated and embarrassed by it and she should be. Don't let her rugsweep
I looked at my XWW phone and there was no sexting but hundreds of texts just sharing "life", it may have been easier to see that she wanted to blow him...

You are doing this right, making decisions and sticking to them. Getting out of the grey zone of infidelity.

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