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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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MickeyBill2016 posted 12/15/2019 22:57 PM

or "anyone other than ThisIsFine since they have been married"

Buffer posted 12/15/2019 23:01 PM

Don’t let her gas light you do the polygraph

elKAPPYtan posted 12/16/2019 00:29 AM

talk with the person conducting the poly, they will help you phrase the question better. if she said no to your question, she would pass if all they did was oral and she internalized the belief that a bj isn't "having sex".

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 12:35 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 12/16/2019 04:41 AM

Sex needs to be defined. A good poly examiner would make sure there is complete understanding of that or any term. Sex might mean only PIV to the WS where it could mean oral or manual giving and receiving. It could mean naked or hands under clothes and tongue down throat. It needs to be defined so there isn't any wiggle room.

Thumos posted 12/16/2019 07:08 AM

1 question has the highest accuracy but with three questions the accuracy percentage only drops down to high 80s — so it could be worth it to ask a few more to pin her down.

BeyondRage posted 12/16/2019 10:58 AM

No matter how many questions you add your odds of getting the truth are far greater than what you have now.

Right now you do not know a damm thing for sure.

I'd say 80% with four questions beats that.

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 16:44 PM

This0is0Fine how are you?

If it helps any to know, I happen to be going through my own little shitshow drama showdown over a poly with my WW. Right now. The past 24 hours. It's stressful and triggering and anxiety inducing. That's three years out. Her poly is scheduled for Monday.

This0is0Fine posted 12/17/2019 18:55 PM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:09 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 20:20 PM

Has a poly been scheduled?

Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?

Has she started writing a detailed narrative timeline document?

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 20:21 PM

Has she done a full STD test to reassure you she’s clean?

Have you avoided hysterical bonding sex with her until she does? If not you’re playing Russian roulette with your own physical health.

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 20:23 PM

Reconciliation is very difficult to begin with, and the statistics make it incredibly unlikely if she is not delivering on the package of non-negotiables I outlined for you at the beginning of this thread.

Those are incredibly important.

You will find yourself in painful limbo with her if she is allowed to rugsweep.

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 20:24 PM

I can’t remember - is she quitting her job or giving you a date certain to find new employment?

This0is0Fine posted 12/18/2019 08:48 AM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:10 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 12/18/2019 09:35 AM

Ok hang in there.

If you can at least get the STD test with documented results, have her write a detailed timeline and then folo thru on the polygraph to test that timeline, you’ll have a much more solid foundation on which to rebuild trust.

Without these things you won’t and limbo is likely for you. Just be aware of what you’re walking into without these things.

She already volunteered to do the polygraph if I remember. It takes 20 minutes to talk to an examiner set up an appt and send him/her the three questions you want to ask. They’ll then rephrase for accuracy. The actual appt would take no more than two hours.

DoinBettr posted 12/18/2019 09:53 AM

Better phrasing: "Since we have been married have you had sex with anyone besides your husband?"
Another good one:
"Did you ever discuss leaving your husband with your AP?"
Last one I asked my WW:
"Did you do anything sexually with anyone else that you deny your husband?" (Leaves the door open for more conversations about her sexual history and what is happening in your marriage today.)

Good luck.

HellFire posted 12/18/2019 10:19 AM

Reconciliation is a process that takes years. And can not happen unless you have a remorseful WS.

How is she showing remorse?

Are you going to have her take a polygraph?

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:19 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

M1965 posted 12/18/2019 16:42 PM

So, no timeline, no polygraph, no STD test.

My wife has a pretty great job and makes good money. I don't really want her to sacrifice her career.

What is her company's policy on workplace affairs? If they are grounds for termination of contract, and your wife pursued one anyway, you may need to have a discussion with her about how much she values her career and professional reputation.

You mentioned that your wife travels between three different offices, one of which is the permanent base of her affair partner. Is your wife at a superior grade to her affair partner, effectively making him her subordinate? If so, that is an abuse of her position, and another discussion that needs to be had.

I am not saying these things to be nasty or awkward, but because you really need to know how much responsibility/integrity your wife has. Yes, she should definitely change her job, but if she continues to maintain her current casual attitude to marriage and professional ethics, why would she not start another affair at the next company she goes to? That is not a question for you to answer, but one you need her to answer, fully and convincingly.

The coworker can be avoided face to face and she is to report every work related contact if it is absolutely necessary.

Do you have any way to independently verify the level of contact between them, or just what your wife tells you?

I apologise if any of this sounds like a cross-examination of you. It really is not meant that way. I ask these questions out of concern for your future security in the marriage.

Sometimes there are questions we know we ought to ask, but which we do not want to ask because we know we may have a hard time handling the answers. We were all there, This0is0Fine. And behind all of the things people are saying is knowledge of where you are, and compassion for you, because we trod the same path you are now walking.

You will get through this. We did, and you will too. The reason we may seem a bit hard-line is because cheating can be like an infection in a relationship. It needs to thoroughly neutralised and removed. And that requires determining the extent of infection before you can apply the right antidote.

Reconciliation is fine, but it needs a solid, disinfected foundation. I hope your wife will be willing to work with you to achieve that.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:45 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

This0is0Fine posted 12/18/2019 17:35 PM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:10 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Buffer posted 12/18/2019 17:48 PM

There is much more to it

M1965 posted 12/18/2019 18:02 PM

The poly is still on, just not scheduled. She is actively looking for jobs, I have not asked her to immediately tender her resignation. The STD test well it's not unnecessary, maybe just my own shame preventing that. I can ask at a Dr. appointment I have scheduled.

I only just asked her for the written timeline. This was not a previous demand, I thought I would be able to recover more texts. Fonelab, enigma, and tenor just didn't recover much.

As for work contact, I can verify her location by car and phone. I think I can also have her show me her transit pass record online.

Thanks for the clarifications. I do apologise for asking, this stuff is hard to talk about. However, the kinds of things people have been suggesting have a track record of working.

It can feel quite unnatural at times to do some of those things, but it is all about identifying/verifying where you really are, and how viable a candidate for reconciliation your spouse is. Hopefully she will co-operate with and sail through any test she takes, thereby establishing herself as a good candidate for reconciliation and - through co-operation - proving that she is moving out of the wayward mind-set and understanding that she has ground to make up with you before you start trusting her again.

None of it is about punishment or a quest to prove that she is a lost cause; it is about giving her the opportunity to prove herself as the opposite of a lost cause. And a lot of wayward spouses do exactly that.

People can learn and develop to a point where they are less likely to repeat a transgression, and hopefully your wife's reflections on what she did will give you some insight on where she is in that journey.

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