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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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elKAPPYtan posted 12/11/2019 20:31 PM

I don't have facebook so I had to create a new account to contact her.

find a better way to contact her. If some random sends you a message on Facebook, there will be no notification. the message will set in the spam folder that is well hidden out of view.

When I found my spam folder, there was a message that someone had found my credit card two years prior.

She might never see that message

ShutterHappy posted 12/11/2019 21:27 PM

Friend,

Itís a good thing that your WW told you without asking (unless she was forced, that happens sometimes).

How do I confront her about this again in a healthy way?

You can Reconcile or you can Divorce. If you are thinking of R right now, you will need the truth and cheaters lie ... a lot.

You have to put your WW in a position where itís more beneficial for her to tell the truth. And for that, you need to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to save it.

You confront your WW calmly, but firmly. This is not a negotiation. She will comply to your demands or you will D. So you ask for No Contact. How many texts are too many? One.
You ask for a written timeline which will be verified by a polygraph. Open access to all accounts and devices. Access to her phone for data retrieval. That is the bare minimum.

So the confrontation is very simple. Tell her this is the minimum you need to consider R. If she refuses, or try to negociate, walk away. Call your lawyer. Thatís it.

Now, she can either lie and she will lose you for sure, or do the work, tell the truth and maybe keep you.

This is a very highly emotional moment for you. Follow the KISS principle.

I wish you Strength! Post often.

GoldenR posted 12/11/2019 22:33 PM

Am I understanding this right, that you said the NC meant only romantic NC, but she was allowed non romantic contact?

This0is0Fine posted 12/11/2019 22:49 PM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:17 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 22:51 PM

My (35M) wife (37F) has emotionally cheated on me at work. We are married for almost ten years (this month woo ten year anniversary, HA).

Thereís another JFO thread very similar to yours that is right there next to yours. Read it to see what you SHOULD NOT DO.

The thread is here - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642138

Read it to learn what happens when you donít implement the 180, go soft in the face of tears and let a WW manipulate you. You can do what this guy did, in just the past several weeks, incidentally, or you can go a different and stronger way.

Seriously that thread is a fucking tragedy. Donít be that poor guy.

(Incidentally, please donít tell us about how your situation is unique or I might actually vomit - itís not unique and if you donít some really active steps RIGHT NOW, it wonít be unique in your failure, either).

The highest escalation of physical contact my wife said happened was holding hands.

This almost certainly a lie unless you can provide a REALLY good reason for ďreason to believeĒ

Over the next month she texted him over a thousand times,

A month means a physical sexual affair. Sorry.

They may or may not be deleted. I'm asking for them tonight after some soul searching.

You can solve this dilemma by asking her to hand over the phone, or youíre done. Then run Fonelab on it. Costs a little over $100. Worth it.

After confronting her about this, she and him agreed to delete each other from their phones.

And now youíve seen how this works out.

We had already scheduled couples counseling after the first confrontation, but due to low availability of counselors, our first meeting isn't til the end of the month.

Cancel this immediately. Couples counseling is completely worthless in the face of infidelity. Itís a waste of time and money and will only result in encouraging rugsweeping and blameshifting. If you proceed with it in spite of this warning, donít say you werenít warned. I know what Iím talking about.

It's our tenth year anniversary on the 20th, and we are going on a trip starting next week.

Nope. Cancel the trip immediately. Going on the trip rewards her infidelity. If you proceed with the trip, donít say you werenít warned.

Fun tacked on fact, my father passed away two weeks ago, and she did an amazing job to help get me through it.

While she was screwing another man. Count on it. Let that sink in.

So hereís what to do (honestly I donít know why I keep posting this - it never seems to sink in).

1. This isn't an EA with light hand holding. It's a full blown PA. I will bet on it if you want (seriously bet me and then you can pay up later - PM me if you want, I would love the money). And it's not cheating, straying, wayward or any of that other euphemistic nonsense. It's adultery. It's a willful, deliberate shattering of the marital vows, a sacred covenant.

1a. I hate to say this, but sex has probably already been on offer and more than likely has happened ó or it has been discussed in a hot and heavy way.

2. She needs to quit her job if she wants to stay with you. That needs to happen right now. If she's not willing to do that, that is the first and only line in the sand. She should also be willing to report the inappropriate behavior between both of them to HR before she quits.

3. You need access to her devices. She must hand them over willingly and you will use retrieval software to download everything. Again, this is non-negotiable. Not up for debate. She either does it or you walk. Don't screw around with this or get in an involved circular discussion with her. "Hand the phone over right now or we're done." Use FONELAB to retrieve all the deleted bullshit.

3a. Go visit a divorce attorney right now so you know your options and so that you have a plan of action to implement if you need to separate immediately (if she won't comply with your reasonable non-negotiables I've outlined here).

3b. Demand a no contact text again, along with a no contact written letter, and a no contact email. Demand the name of the AP if you donít have it. Then CONTACT the other betrayed spouse. The wife DESERVES TO KNOW. This is the ethical thing to do on your part. If you shirk this, youíre leaving an innocent woman to swing in the wind.

4. By allowing her to ďapologize deeplyĒ you are doing a version of the pick me dance. Stop it. Implement the 180 to the best of your ability right now. How do you know what youíre forgiving? You donít! Youíre married to a proven liar and cheat who is swearing up and down to fix this. But sheís a liar and cheat. See how this works?

5. Give her a package of non-negotiables. This is an all or nothing package. It's a take it or leave proposition. Be ready to walk and mean it with a fervor down to your gonads. Tell her you have too much self-respect to wait around while she dilly dallies on a decision like Scarlett O'Hara. She either does these things or you walk. Again - itís an all or nothing package that can get you clear of your wifeís moral morass. If you choose not to do it, great. Good for you. Good luck. Keep doing what youíre doing and keep getting the same result. Or do this and get a better result that will allow you to decide whether to reconcile or divorce with a dishonest woman:

A. Immediate IC for both of you, preferably with therapists who specialize in betrayal trauma. You are the victim of betrayal trauma now, but that doesn't mean you need to stay a victim.

B. No marital or couples counseling - it's destructive and worse than useless in the wake of adultery. Later MC might be good, but much later. Most marital counselors will disregard your pain and try to rug sweep. They will also encourage blameshifting. Keep plowing forward with MC at your peril ó literally to your sanity and physical health. Iím NOT KIDDING.

C. Full STD panel for her and for you. This must happen. She's claiming no sex and all the moony dreamy-eyed handholding. I get it. Thatís not what adults do. Adults have SEX. Tell her this is what you want and it's not up for debate. If she can't do this minimal thing for your peace of mind, then you need to be quits with her.

D. Written timeline of the entire affair. Detailed, WRITTEN, narrative timeline. In this case, give her a week to finish it and hand it over. She had plenty of time to screw around texting a married co-worker, she's got plenty of time to detail her affair in writing for you.

E. Polygraph exam for her tested against the timeline for veracity and truthfulness. OF ALL THE THINGS I AM TELLING YOU, THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. It will terrify her and cut through her lies like a hot knife through butter. Balk and go weak and YOU WILL NEVER GET THE TRUTH. Polys are cheap in the long run, about $500. Better accuracy with one single question, like "did you have sex" but you can ask additional questions for the same price (the accuracy goes down a little bit with each added question, however). Polys are accurate. The FBI, U.S. Senate, intelligence community and military all use them for a reason. The poly is a tool to exert tremendous psychic pressure on her to come clean. Donít debate about accuracy or anything else. JUST DO IT. You'll read a lot here about the proverbial parking lot confession. It's not cruel, it's rational and smart. You need to be rational, cold and smart right now.

F. Moving forward, post nuptial agreement for you to protect you from divorce rape in the event of future infidelity. She's demonstrated a worldview capable of adultery. Cheaters don't always repeat, but post nups are recommended for a reason.

G. As I already said, she quits her job and reports the infidelity to HR. It sounds like they were screwing around on the job, so this is a MUST.

H. She must read and implement the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. Order it from Amazon NOW. No balking, no weaseling, no delays. Then she provides a written plan for how she will implement the book immediately.

Lastly, VAR her. VAR the shit out of her (excuse my French). VAR her car. Most importantly keep a VAR on yourself. If you skip this step, then have fun with a hellish nightmare!

Trust but verify is a cliche for a reason. You need intel, and she's not a trustworthy person. She's a shifty bullshitter. She might gain empathy and remorse later and become a safe life partner.

But not now. Right now she's an adulterous woman. Read Proverbs 30:20 and let that sink in. Thatís your wife. Thatís who she is.

She isnít special. She never was. There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of women you are compatible with, who are attractive, warm, funny, sexy, loving women. And theyíve never cheated on you. Dozens of them live in your geographic proximity. Your wife is just one of them you happened to marry.

NO, YOUR WIFE IS NOT SPECIAL.

And she sure is hell isnít special now that sheís a cheating adulterous woman.

So thatís it. You can do this or not. You can dither and let your wife play mind games, lie to you, gaslight you, string you along. Weíve seen it all before.

It is nauseatingly repetitive. The only thing that isnít repetitive is a betrayed husband who takes charge of his situation and gets out of infidelity. Thatís rare. And it takes the steps outlined above.

Good luck to you, sir.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Jameson1977 posted 12/11/2019 22:53 PM

Sorry This0is0Fine, this sucks, we all know the feeling all too well.

She's likely wiping her texts, informing her AP that you know and will try to minimize anything you may tell his wife.

If this happens, you have enough information to know she has done things you certainly wouldn't approve of.

I'm really sorry.

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 23:02 PM

What is my line, well I guess I'm kind of finding it as we speak.

Yes, you will find out if you do as I recommend. Sheíll freak out and the truth will out.

You might consider having a separation agreement ready on hand to give to her and then tell her if she complies with the package of non-negotiables you will CONSIDER reconciling with her. But youíll need to absorb the information first and know what youíre forgiving.

And, brother, you may not want to reconcile. If you donít want to reconcile, still forgive but move on.

ďSometimes it is a dealbreakerĒ is a euphemism for ďSometimes they fucked around, cut your balls off, ripped your heart out and stabbed you in the back.Ē

Sometimes all of those things mean you are better off going your own way and finding one among dozens of other women who WONíT DO THAT TO YOU.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:03 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

ramius posted 12/11/2019 23:25 PM

She has left the house. RIP my relationship.

Looks like she made the decision for you. Her choice of the OM will not age well.

At least ow you do not have to spend days/weeks dragging the truth out of her.

Very sorry, but its time to go 180 and consult a lawyer.

GoldenR posted 12/11/2019 23:45 PM

No married woman would leave her marriage for a guy that's she's only held hands with.

As far as her leaving...chances are it won't be permanent. It rarely is. However, if it is,consider it a blessing in disguise as you won't be dealing with the back and forth that many of those on here dealt with. That's truly maddening.

If she comes back, please remember that WWs only respond the way you would want them to, to strong firm actions. Anything else and you're playing the pick me dance which will result in you getting shit on regularly.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 12:03 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

RubixCubed posted 12/11/2019 23:50 PM

I told her to show me the texts to help rebuild trust. She has left the house. RIP my relationship.

Those texts will be long gone when she gets back. You will need data recovery software to get them back.

Buster123 posted 12/12/2019 00:12 AM

I have confronted her. I told her she could have a secret relationship with another man or a relationship with me but not both. I told her to show me the texts to help rebuild trust. She has left the house. RIP my relationship.

Well, she made her choice, now go ahead and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends and especially with OBS, after you expose her with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), the OM will most likely drop your WW like a hot rock and throw her under the bus to save his own M, but regardless of that, when she comes back tell her you will be filing for D, that she has until it's final to convince you stop it by showing you true remorse (not just regret), by ending her A, sending an NC FOREVER text/letter that you approve (no sweet goodbyes), quitting her job and finding a new one, apologizing to everyone for her huge betrayal, and commiting to do the heavy lifting to help restore the M she destroyed by cheating on you, don't forget to demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too).

Others will chime in with more advice, you need to act decisively, keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through this difficult situation.

Buffer posted 12/12/2019 00:27 AM

That sucks. Quick check the accounts and hangs the locks. Inform HR and all relatives of hr wayward ways.

WilliamM posted 12/12/2019 00:31 AM

She will return with all messages deleted, then give you the phone. Is her phone synced with a pad or something? Check it if it is.

ShutterHappy posted 12/12/2019 01:43 AM

I have confronted her. I told her she could have a secret relationship with another man or a relationship with me but not both. I told her to show me the texts to help rebuild trust. She has left the house. RIP my relationship.

You sir, are exactly correct. The basic foundation of a marriage is trust. You canít have a marriage without trust.

And you did exactly the right thing, you are in the process of getting out of Infidelity one way or another. No more limbo for you.

When your WW touched the AP for the first time, she ended the marriage without telling you. It was HER doing HER decision. Itís up to HER to rebuild trust to create a new marriage if you are willing to accept it.

When she comes back, sheíll either want to D or go back with you with some form of status quo. She might minimize, blameshift, gaslight etc... no matter, cheaters all do that, her world is falling apart and sheís in CYA mode.

You stand your ground. Stay firm with your demands. Itís either your way or D.

Tamers1955 posted 12/12/2019 04:03 AM

Hi Thisis fine ,sorry about your wife ,you must feel your world has just fallen apart with both your Father and your wife.I think your wife will need to come and face you at sometime,as I suspect her boyfriend will try and distance himself from the mess he is now in.You must let his wife know,even if you don't want to continue your relationship..
Please keep posting here ,you will get solid advice,even if you think it can come across as a way to extreme at times..
People here will guide you through the situation you have found your self in.You must feel like shit at the moment,but at least you are a little more informed than you were when I read your post on Reddit.

The1stWife posted 12/12/2019 04:53 AM

My H had a 4 year EA. Score texts and social media. I knew it was happening. He refused to admit anything was inappropriate. He lied, denied and stonewalled. Refused to discuss it.

It finally ended. Completely rugswept.

My ďthanksĒ for never bringing it up was for him to have another EA. Except this time he wanted a D.

So donít fall into my trap. Your wife can minimize this all she wants. But she needs counseling and so do you. Separately.

You need support. You have suffered a trauma.

You need to heal. It takes time. Donít let her sweep this under the rug b/c in my opinion she may cheat again.

annb posted 12/12/2019 06:07 AM

I'm so sorry......it is paramount that you find a way to contact the other man's wife.

Google search her name/number....linkedin, you will be surprised how much information you can gather with just a few minutes of digging.

Consider informing HR as well if you are financially in a good position.

Cancel you trip and meet with a couple of attorneys asap. Show her you will not tolerate this abuse, yes, affairs are abusive and cause trauma.

Find a good IC, lean on a TRUSTED family member or friend or member of the clergy, post often. All of us have walked in your shoes, we know the pain you are dealing with right now.

NotInMyLife posted 12/12/2019 06:30 AM

She has left the house. RIP my relationship.
Well she broke it, leave the next step for her to figure out. She had no real plan and will be back soon full of regret, but not remorse. Pack a bag for her and park it by the front door.

Use the rest of the week to secure any shared accounts or other assets and to find a lawyer. You want to file as soon as possible and have her served at work. If you have children, focus on protecting them from the coming emotional blast. Find a counselor for yourself too. And keep trying to contact the OBS.

dblackstar2002 posted 12/12/2019 06:46 AM

I am so sorry this happened to you, I guess you can see by now her cheating was more than emotional. Understand that she chose to do this, You did nothing wrong. Nothing you may have don justifies her cheating. You are handling this correctly. Never do the pick me dance! The only thing you can control in this is yourself. Position yourself to have a good life, Rather that include her or not. I agree with some here, You should have a bag packed for her and waiting at the door. You need time to process all of this, and decide your path going forward. You can't do that properly with her around. Good luck...

dblackstar2002 posted 12/12/2019 06:47 AM

I am so sorry this happened to you, I guess you can see by now her cheating was more than emotional. Understand that she chose to do this, You did nothing wrong. Nothing you may have don justifies her cheating. You are handling this correctly. Never do the pick me dance! The only thing you can control in this is yourself. Position yourself to have a good life, Rather that include her or not. I agree with some here, You should have a bag packed for her and waiting at the door. You need time to process all of this, and decide your path going forward. You can't do that properly with her around. Good luck...

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