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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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Thumos posted 1/10/2020 20:20 PM

Well shit.

There's gotta be a way, TIF. That's something to work on. Surely you can find a way.

DeWittle posted 1/10/2020 21:22 PM

WW's gonna go rent an AirBnB (and presumably fuck OM) to "think things over".
Common Wayward tactic: start an argument to get out of the house, space to see AP.

Find a way to contact OBS.

Marz posted 1/10/2020 21:44 PM

Let her go

Thumos posted 1/11/2020 10:44 AM

Could contact OM but think that's a bad idea.

Yes bad idea. OMís often feel a sense or conquest and entitlement over WWís ó as if the woman is now ďtheirs.Ē As a result they will spout all sorts of intentionally misleading and hurtful horseshit to a BH. Serves no purpose.

MickeyBill2016 posted 1/11/2020 13:42 PM

No need for you to contact OM, she already has...

BeyondRage posted 1/11/2020 14:55 PM

This Is So Fine

You really think anyone trying to help you is enjoying any of what youíre going through? But most have been telling you things that youíve decided not to do or implement
Iím not going to speculate but Iíll ask you. Do you actually believe now that she did not bang this go and more than once. ???
I wonder who
Out the bull shit in her head about men being allowed to have affairs but not women.

If you sit there and watch her move out and donít serve her you are in for a nightmare. Itís time to forget the D track and get to the D station

And what Mickey Bill just told you is right. You can bet your ass the OM knows everything thatís going on

Robert22205https posted 1/11/2020 15:24 PM


Did you follow up and confirm with the therapist what your wife said (i.e., that the therapist recommended not leaving her job even if it means loosing her marriage)?

I ask because it's typical for a liar (i.e., your wife) to lie - especially when they believe that you will never find out (e.g., her therapy session).

Put both your wife and her therapist on the phone and confirm what you were told.

M1965 posted 1/11/2020 15:47 PM

TIF,

I know this must be the hardest, worst weekend of your life, and that you did nothing to precipitate it.

Whatever happens over the course of the weekend, and in the days that follow, please be assured that you will get through it, and it is possible to rebuild our lives, whether with or without our wayward spouse.

It may seem like you are just getting questions or statements fired at you, but please also know that we all feel a huge amount of sympathy and empathy with you and what you are going through.

All of us walked our own dark path, different in detail, but similar in emotion, and I think we all hate to see anyone else having to follow in our footsteps.

Our thoughts are with you, TIF. You will prevail.

This0is0Fine posted 1/11/2020 21:02 PM

Cheaters are so predictable. You guys tell me what's happened. Hahaha. She broke NC. She hasn't told me. She has probably deleted the messages. She probably did it this obviously because she wasn't interested in fixing anything. No remorse. Just a nice pile of bullshit.

farsidejunky posted 1/11/2020 22:05 PM

You know what you have to do, brother.

Unsure2019 posted 1/11/2020 22:30 PM

God, I keep pulling for people on here and more often than not itís just ends horribly. Itís just so hard to watch. I was hoping you guys might be on the way to recovery, but at the same time worried because WW was still admitting to having feelings for the OM. Then the back tracking started. THERE IS NO HOPE. Cut your losses, pay the price and end this charade. While itís going to be incredibly painful in the short run, it will be nothing compared to the pain youíll experience if you try and stay with the WW. Take care of yourself.

DeWittle posted 1/11/2020 23:23 PM

Did she go to the Airbnb?

This0is0Fine posted 1/11/2020 23:36 PM

Ignore this message, it was a false alarm. I mistook a text from her friend as om's number. It wasn't in my phone because of syncing issues.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:49 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

PassThis posted 1/12/2020 09:31 AM

This0is0Fine,

Had a fight this morning about her not doing enough. She went hysterical, yelling and crying. Making the whole thing about "society let's men cheat, but when a woman does it she should have known her place!", "I'll wear a red letter A if you want, but then I'll be done", "Nothing happened", "I'll bet OM's marriage is already back to normal". Bullshit and minimizing. Feels like going backwards.

Why did she act so hysterically during your discussion? What, if anything, did you say to her that set her off? Is she frustrated that you will not give her a pass on her cheating? Or, is her guilt being expressed?

Of course, "nothing happened" is not true. She betrayed you, if not with her body, certainly in her mind and heart. She let OM into her life, heart, and mind. She spent time with him, and pursued him. She was the aggressor and, if true, only the reluctance of the OM to respond kept her from consummation. She may be exhibiting withdrawal symptoms from her loss of OM and the high her "self" got from her affair. BTW, her identity now includes "cheater". Like Hester Prynne, that aspect of her identity will stay with her for the rest of her life. Your WW now has to redeem herself like Hester, although Hester did not reconcile with her husband, and was buried with her AP. What your wife can hope for is that her future deeds justify your gift of reconciliation and her continued faithfulness earns from you foregiveness for her "sins".

You know that you are both on the "roller coaster". You might consider letting up on overt pressure somewhat, for the time being. I think that the 180 process, including its aspect of passive pressure, i. e., distancing yourself from her (and separating her from you) to protect your heart/mind from continuing wayward actions and giving her pause for thought about what she has to lose, might be appropriate. I, personally, don't agree with the idea of fighting fire with fire. After all, she is the person that you love. If she destroys the marriage, then you need to get to indifference and acknowledge that she has left the marriage. Her loss of you will be her punishment. I am proposing, for your consideration, that it is more effective to put out the fire by starving it from oxygen and fuel. I am not suggesting "rug sweeping". You need to hold steady with your demand for faithfulness in deed and thought. I am suggesting that any pressure that she feels must arise from within herself, not from you. If you pressure her with anger, you might just be giving her what she feels is justification for her alienation from you. If her love for you is not strong enough to overcome her waywardness, then you probably need to move on.

You can not argue with crazy (irrational). You need to stay constantly rational. That is your strength. If your love and steadfastness is not sufficient, then at least you have done your best. It is natural that you are angry. She is 100% at fault. Her head is still not where it should be, and she might be backsliding. But, do not let anger get in the way of achieving your most desired outcome. Use anger to generate strength, and use your rational mind, your personal courage, and your love for your wife to guide your actions.

When I let go of my first wife, I did not try to burn her. I just let the fire (love) for her die out. Afterwards, I found someone new and we have kept our loving warmth for each other going strong for 35 years, through thick and thin.

WW's gonna go rent an AirBnB (and presumably fuck OM) to "think things over". Holy shit she is unbelievably cliche. After all the apparent effort and honesty she seems to just be throwing in the damn towel. Probably because I got lied to about the PA being just an EA, probably because my wife has no actual remorse, probably because she doesn't think the POSOM is a POS. Who knows what combination of bullshit is still spinning in her brain. To think we had reached agreement on all this and now she blows up. She is trying to fuck with my head and I won't allow it. Unless she changes her mind PDQ, we are back on the D track. I hope y'all are enjoying the rollercoaster with me.

Has she told you how long she will stay away? Did you discuss any boundaries/consequences for her while she is away? Do you have a fixed appointment for further counseling? Have you heard from her? I hope that her friend can help her find her "self" and resolve her issues. Also, hopefully you can regain your peace of mind by adding a poly question about her compliance with NC with OM and no further wayward acts.

I do empathize with your gut-wrenching pain, even though my experience was so long ago. I send hope, strength and support, whether R or D.

This0is0Fine posted 1/12/2020 19:13 PM

Longer update later. Her time to think wasn't actually so cliche. That said the trickle truth continues. Turns out the pushed away kiss was pushed away following the kiss, not prior to contact.

Marz posted 1/12/2020 20:21 PM

Stop playing this game. You canít win

ramius posted 1/12/2020 22:26 PM

This is becoming a Chinese Water Torture, but self inflicted.

This0is0Fine posted 1/12/2020 22:34 PM

So she goes on the thinking and reflection time. She comes back and we destroy a poem the AP bought for her from street artist on their date (the one she invited him into the hotel room and purportedly for now said no). I tracked her gps and she was at the nearby hotel basically the whole time Friday and Saturday except for a yoga class in the town nearby (not convenient to OM but who really knows). She says she read a couple books (going through more of not just friends and how to help you spouse after your affair and another from the MC). She says it's time to lay out the full truth, yeah ok sure. She says she did kiss him not just try to. That her lips met his but he didn't reciprocate and then pushed her away. I told her that I can't take this shit anymore and to lay anything else she has down on me now. She says that's really it. Well, let's be honest I trust her less now than before. I don't believe her timeline on the weekend. Probably just dumped her car and phone at the hotel. Probably broke NC but she says she didn't. Not sure why I am waiting for other shoes to drop. I'm a fucking weak and flawed individual. My brain says just call the lawyer and tell him to file. My heart says give her another chance but my heart is fucking stupid. :(

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:35 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 1/13/2020 00:40 AM

She comes back and we destroy a poem the AP bought for her from street artist on their date (the one she invited him into the hotel room and purportedly for now said no).

Whose idea was this? Why did your WW not do it in the first place? Was it a nostalgic souvenir for herself?


Well, let's be honest I trust her less now than before. I don't believe her timeline on the weekend. Probably just dumped her car and phone at the hotel. Probably broke NC but she says she didn't. Not sure why I am waiting for other shoes to drop.

Unfortunately, this is a side-effect of the WS not telling the whole unfettered truth right away. WS always do themselves a huge disservice when they do not divulge the truth at the get go.


I'm a fucking weak and flawed individual. My brain says just call the lawyer and tell him to file. My heart says give her another chance but my heart is fucking stupid. :(

You are not weak, you are still in love with your WW. You are just resisting the notion that your WW is unique, and your situation is unique. The names, genders, locations may be different, but at its base, they are the same.

Should you give her another chance? That is entirely up to you. You will have to establish if you have gotten the whole truth from her yet, or is there more.

Does your WW feel that she deserves a second chance, or is she thanking you for it?

DeWittle posted 1/13/2020 03:01 AM

My brain says just call the lawyer and tell him to file.
I suggest you call OBS and get a timeline for AP, also compare truths. OBS is a huge source of information, you should attempt to ally with her in this, you both want the same thing.

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