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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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dblackstar2002 posted 12/12/2019 06:47 AM

I am so sorry this happened to you, I guess you can see by now her cheating was more than emotional. Understand that she chose to do this, You did nothing wrong. Nothing you may have don justifies her cheating. You are handling this correctly. Never do the pick me dance! The only thing you can control in this is yourself. Position yourself to have a good life, Rather that include her or not. I agree with some here, You should have a bag packed for her and waiting at the door. You need time to process all of this, and decide your path going forward. You can't do that properly with her around. Good luck...

Fife posted 12/12/2019 07:07 AM

Well This0is0Fine, you have your answer.

Now the mind games begin. Be ready. Follow the advice here. Be strong and imperturbable.

Right now, the OM is most likely wondering what he got himself into. All he probably wanted was a little bit of strange on the side, now he's got a woman who's expecting more out of him, and he's probably nowhere near ready to handle his new "responsibilities". He's dealing with his own "OH Shit!" moment.

If you do as you should, a rude awakening is coming to this woman who slaughtered your loving wife and took her place. This loathsome human being deserves NOTHING from you. No hatred, no sadness, no worry, no happiness, NOTHING. You'd best set your mind to treating this woman like a stranger, or she'll take whatever emotional cracks in your foundation and exploit them.

It's harsh, but it's true: The person who emotionally detaches after a supreme violation of their trust, doesn't need any more evidence. You don't need to find texts saying "Great fuck last night. Thanks!". Her actions are proof enough. She needs to be treated as she deserves, as the dishonorable backstabber that she is. She thought that you'd do the hard work of maintaining a loving relationship, while she put out for the fireworks of a shallow romance. NO! NO! NO!. She can get 100 percent of her needs met by the OM now, instead of leaving you with all of the dirty work.

Do the 180 immediately and shock her with divorce papers. The sooner the better. You're not taking any more crap from someone who dishonored herself in the most vile fashion.

If you're thinking "what if this makes it worse?", then remember, it can't be worse. You can start the divorce process, and if through some miracle, she realizes what she's done and shows TRUE remorse, then you can always delay or halt the divorce process, otherwise, you're one step ahead in getting away from someone who could cheat on you and lie to your face about it, whoever this woman is who destroyed your marriage.

When anger or sadness arises, put on your man pants and become an impenetrable wall. She no longer deserves to be privy to your deepest emotions. Like a stranger passing you on the street, she needs to see that she's nothing special anymore. Do the 180 and fake it until you make it... or suffer far more than you already are.

Get tested for STDs, as has been mentioned. You need to know, but even moreso, she needs to know that she's gross- potentially infected from her dirty deeds, and that you're not going to suffer for that. Go ahead and let her know, in passing, that you're getting tested, with the cold, hard, clinical, lack of emotion that is akin to cleaning up something particularly nasty. She's dirty... filthy, and she touched YOU.

When I think back to when I caught my wife cheating, tears well up in my eyes to this day, not because of what she did, but out of the joy that I feel for the people here, who helped me find my way before they even knew me. LISTEN to them, but more importantly, DO as they advise to the best of your ability. You will probably stumble a few times, but shake yourself off and move forward again.

[This message edited by Fife at 7:25 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

nekonamida posted 12/12/2019 08:43 AM

I'm sorry she refused to end things with him and give you transparency. Unfortunately that means there's something in those texts she does not want you to see. Either she loves him and plans on leaving you or it did go farther physically than she told you. Might even be something very recent or somewhere between hand holding and sex. If she didn't have something to hide, she would have shown you the texts.

You said the OM is married? Find out who his wife is and contact her. She might be in the same boat you are, knowing he's been inappropriate with your WW but OM has been attempting to gaslight her and tell her it's nothing. She needs to know the truth.

There is a good possibility that OM will dump your WW especially if he gets exposed to his BW. Prepare for your WW to come crawling back with half promises. Decide now what to do if that happens - she must give you the full truth, access to her phone, show you or recover deleted texts, IC, MC, etc. Think about it ahead of time so that you're not blindsided and just go along with whatever she says because you don't want to be alone. Since she has left, she needs to earn her way back no matter what.

fareast posted 12/12/2019 08:46 AM

Expose him to his OBS ASAP. Itís the right thing to do. Good luck.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 09:00 AM

Iím glad you confronted on the texts. Her leaving is a definitive answer that this is a full blown sexual affair.

As others have said ó unless this was an exit affair and it doesnít seem like one ó sheís going to come crawling back in one form or another.

It could be that sheíll be cold and distant and even resentful when she does ó and switch back and forth from that channel to the pleading/weeping channel to the buttering you up with love bombing/sex/cuddle channel. Wayward spouses are unpredictable.

You should also get at least one VAR immediately to carry around with you to protect you from false DV charges by her. WWís are notorious for staging false DV dramas, and do not think for one second your wife isnít capable of doing something malicious like this.

Consider getting another VAR to put in her car ó if (more likely when) she comes back.

Donít fall for any of her mindgames. Donít allow her to initiate sex with you.

Have a divorce proceeding begin immediately, have her served at work, have her bags packed at the front door. Adopt a hard (and cold) 180. Tell her family. Inform the OBS by any means necessary.

Then give her the package of non negotiables that she must do if you will even consider talking to her about the possibility of reconciliation. At the very least - even if you decide not to reconcile - this will make her face the truth and consequences of her actions, and you wonít be haunted by doubts you never learned what happened.

By the way you might decide during this time itís all a dealbreaker, and you certainly would not be the first. Attempting reconciliation is a huge risk with someone who has proven themselves to be such a liar. People do it (Iím trying to get myself out of limbo to do it) but itís about the most damn difficult and trying thing a person can take on. Divorce is also a bitch but It does seem to me that a lot of folks who divorce are able to heal faster. Just realize that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:03 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

layla1234 posted 12/12/2019 09:12 AM

When she does come back, refuse to have any sort of conversation until she hands over her phone. Like others have said, that is probably why she left. Check her google account. This contains all deleted browser history, timeline, and locations and I just learned of it a week or so ago. It tracks her whereabouts so you can confirm where she was when she left. Don't let her know about this because it can be deleted if she doesn't already know it exists.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 09:12 AM

Good luck brother. I promised earlier this week I would disengage from SI to take some time to think for myself about my own situation three years on. Your post sucked me back in so Iím hoping for the very best for you.

Today is my third ďanti-versaryĒ of D-Day. Iíve been in limbo with my WW since then. I hope for much better for YOU.

If you take the steps weíve outlined here (some that Iím only doing now when I should have done years ago), you will get much more clarity and focus ó youíll learn the truth much more quickly ó and your wife will likely start stepping up with remorse and empathy much faster.

If she doesnít step up, then you can quickly dump her very unsparkly ass and move on. Or if you learn the truth and itís a dealbreaker, next her without hesitation, without a second thought. Itís ďit was kinda nice knowing you for awhile and then it wasnít. Have a great life. Next.Ē

There are lots of quality women who will appreciate a quality faithful man, and they wonít cheat on you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:51 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

dblackstar2002 posted 12/12/2019 09:22 AM

There is a good possibility that OM will dump your WW especially if he gets exposed to his BW. Prepare for your WW to come crawling back with half promises

And if she does think long and hard about this, Do you really want to be her fallback plan? Can your marriage survive such disrespect? She broke the marriage, It is up to you to decide of you want it to continue or end. Good luck to you...

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 09:52 AM

Do you have kids?

DoinBettr posted 12/12/2019 10:08 AM

You are getting lots of great advice.
These people have all been where you are. Scared and worried they are blowing up there lives for nothing. If you came here, this was going to slowly eat you up until you take action.

So, make a plan. Write up what you need from your relationship.
Then write up multiple things that will break your relationship.
Lastly, setup timelines and actions for your responses. Things like, if she had sex with him and lies to me about it until the poly, I am filing for divorce.
Then you will feel some comfort because you made these plans before you get into the thick of it. Then trust these thought out actions.

Good luck. She is going to blame you. The second she does, you walk away and hard flip it on her. You didn't cheat, she did.

FYI - you can find out where this guy lives. I will send you a private message with the website and it is free.

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 10:12 AM

She just went to a friend's (female friend) which I have confirmed. She was unable to decide before she left. Upon coming back she has agreed to no contact, will begin a job hunt, will give me the phone for recovery. Gave me a verbal (not recorded, but I'm in a no fault state so this is all just for me really) recollection of the emotional affair where she has basically thrown herself under the bus saying she made physical advances that he always pushed back on. My stomach is sick about thinking of her making the advances. Knowing the kind of person my wife is the most recent complete account sounds truthful. She admitted she made decisions not to protect me but to protect the OM and enjoy her sexual tension story. She wants to reconcile and I do as well. Obviously I can't just make amends on this in a day. I know you guys want the polygraph and the vars but if I have to do that, shit is irrecoverably broken. And maybe that's just the way it is. I'm going to get that book about healing after the affair. I'm scheduling an IC appointment.

HellFire posted 12/12/2019 10:21 AM

She threw herself under that bus, to protect him. I hope you realize that.

She did that so you would not contact his wife. Or, if you did contact his wife, there would be a lot less consequences for him, from his wife, because she, your wife, was the aggressor.

HellFire posted 12/12/2019 10:24 AM

Shit is already a irrevocably broken. You use the vars, to make sure the affair is not continuing. To make sure it has not gone Underground. You get a polygraph, so that you know that you are rebuilding your marriage on a foundation of Truth. The minute she started giving her heart to another man, and possibly her body, the marriage was broken. Dead.

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 10:33 AM

If I can't do this shit without constantly monitoring her then I just can't do it. If it takes a polygraph to get the truth and constant monitoring to see she isn't cheating, what's the fucking point?

faithfulman posted 12/12/2019 10:37 AM

This0is0Fine - a verbal admission is no good. You need her to write down what she has done so she cannot tell you that she "didn't say" this or that, or that you mis-heard her.

Second, maybe she went to the house of a female friend, but do you know when she got there, where she went on the way there, who she spoke to on the way there or while she was there, if she left, etc.

Cheaters lie a lot!

Her running off was a damage control ploy.

Dude, stop asking her to agree to anything! You tell her what she to do and she can do it or go live with her boyfriend!

1) Recover her phone using Fonelab (Don't be suprised if the phone has been wiped or reset.)

2) Use that opportunity to put her phone on a mobile phone monitoring service so you can see what she is texting, who she is calling etc. Use mspy, ikeylogger, webwatcher, flexispy, whatever.

3) Get the VAR, put it in her car. DO IT. Sony ICD-PX470, about $50 on Amazon. Get an extra SD card for dozens of hours of recording. No need for black tape or to put a cut off audio jack in it, just read the manual and you can turn off any lights and beeps.

4) Make her WRITE the timeline. That way you have a record.

5) Schedule a polygraph. Don't be surprised when you find out she lied on her timeline.

6) Contact the other betrayed spouse and destroy her garbage relationship! Free services to find a person's information: fastpeoplesearch (dotcom) or truepeoplesearch (dotcom). a paid service like beenverified (dotcom) will yield better results.


Good luck to you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:31 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

faithfulman posted 12/12/2019 10:42 AM

This0is0Fine posted:

If I can't do this shit without constantly monitoring her then I just can't do it. If it takes a polygraph to get the truth and constant monitoring to see she isn't cheating, what's the fucking point?

Either you want to know what's real or you don't.

Either you want to know what you are forgiving or you sweep it under the rug and let it fester for as long as you stay together.

We know it is hard to face the truth.

Your wife will not tell you the truth unless you slueth it and/or force her.

Read this thread to see how you will flounder if you don't take charge and learn what you need to know:

Read Westway's thread, Beyond Rages thread. Both on the front page as of this reply.

Find Neanderthal's thread on the second page.

Either you take control or you suffer more, needlessly.

ramius posted 12/12/2019 10:56 AM

If I can't do this shit without constantly monitoring her then I just can't do it. If it takes a polygraph to get the truth and constant monitoring to see she isn't cheating, what's the fucking point?


But, because of who she is and what she has done, this is your future. Doesnít matter if you monitor her or not.

Will you ever stop wondering what she is doing or who she is texting?

BeyondRage posted 12/12/2019 10:57 AM

If I can't do this shit without constantly monitoring her then I just can't do it. If it takes a polygraph to get the truth and constant monitoring to see she isn't cheating, what's the fucking point?

The point is you would know the truth instead of guessing and taking the word of your wife who has lied her ass off to you, and less than 24 hours ago left your home because she could not decide if she wanted to let her boyfriend go.

if you do some reading, you will find that workplace affairs are the hardest to detect and hardest to stop, so every morning when she goes to work if you are not wondering then you have your head in the sand.

She has made him out to be just wonderful. And you believe that this guy didnt fuck her because he is so moral that he kept it in his pants????? When you get a little angry you will I hope come to your senses and understand right now you do not know crap.

And by the way, this girlfriend probably knew everything she was doing so you need to explore what her role was in this.

vatoloco posted 12/12/2019 11:02 AM

I only tell you that here you will find very wise people ... and they will all agree with me:
1) she cheated on you
2) she left with her AP
3) the AP threw it under the bus
4) You are his plan B
5) You are not to blame and you do not owe an R
6) It's your life but listen to others who know a lot greetings and wish you the best

elKAPPYtan posted 12/12/2019 11:04 AM

In order to forgive you MUST know what it is you're forgiving. whatever way to verify her story, yes even polygraph. VARs and phone recovery.

you don't have to play detective the rest of your life, but you need to right now

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