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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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faithfulman posted 1/23/2020 01:48 AM

But even her rejecting him today is a problem because there is still talking and your wife has to make judgments about what is appropriate to discuss.

Make no mistake he is trying to weasel his way back in.

Maybe she rejects any discussion with him today or tomorrow, but what about in a week or a month when things settle down?

Maybe she won't see the harm then. Maybe he keeps trying...


No chance for contact is the best possible route.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:48 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Alpargata posted 1/23/2020 04:04 AM

I would suggest you contact the OBS and tell her what happened, not only will she tighten the leash but the OM will learn that your wife tells you everything that goes down.

Do not tell your wife you are going to do it (contact OBS) if you do.

This0is0Fine posted 1/23/2020 07:23 AM

But even her rejecting him today is a problem because there is still talking and your wife has to make judgments about what is appropriate to discuss.
Make no mistake he is trying to weasel his way back in.

Maybe she rejects any discussion with him today or tomorrow, but what about in a week or a month when things settle down?

Maybe she won't see the harm then. Maybe he keeps trying...


No chance for contact is the best possible route.

Yep, I've pointed out that I am likely not taking the best possible route to non-repeat. She is holding up what we agreed to, I can't punish her for good behavior. That's a sure road to resentment.

If I get TT'd again, if it turns out she is lying, if she repeats, that will push me over the edge. I realize I'm walking a tightrope without a harness more or less.

I would suggest you contact the OBS and tell her what happened, not only will she tighten the leash but the OM will learn that your wife tells you everything that goes down.
Do not tell your wife you are going to do it (contact OBS) if you do.

I was able to contact her once (one way) to give the most damning evidence, but she never contacted me back. I've told her she should contact me back, but she hasn't. She is dealing with this in her own way and I can't force her to do more.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:27 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

fareast posted 1/23/2020 07:42 AM

Good that your WW informed you. Baby steps. You know the risks of continued contacts at work. Stay vigilant. It really is how much her continuing on the job grinds on you. She needs to keep informing you anytime contact occurs. I hope she grasps how destructive contact is to your M. Good luck.

Bigheart2018 posted 1/23/2020 08:04 AM

Dear This0is0Fine,

It is my opinion; your wife is finally walking the right path for possible reconciliation. I believe itís your time to step up and defend your marriage.

I would have a direct conversation with the AP with very clear boundaries in regards to your wife. Only my opinion!

Best,
Bigheart

Marz posted 1/23/2020 08:20 AM

Affairs are addictive. You get the addict around the source you risk repeats.

Thatís why NC is imperative.

This0is0Fine posted 1/30/2020 18:01 PM

Putting this here instead of my R thread. I just found out my SIL cheated on her husband basically overhearing my wife talk to her on the phone. The affair is now over. I don't think her husband knows. I confronted my wife about it. I asked my wife if her sister being in an affair made her felt justified, or if she was supportive of the affair. She said no (probably a lie). She also refused to comment on the extent and type of affair her sister had. This is not something they discussed over texts or FB based on the info I have access to.

I'm very torn up about this now. Do I tell my SIL's husband? Do I need my wife to cut her sister out? I mean, obviously if she won't even change jobs she wouldn't be willing to do that. This is a new heavy piece of information that isn't a TT or related directly to my issues but that matters in recovery. I feel like I'm stepping further into a quagmire.

Skadu posted 1/30/2020 18:07 PM

You know we're all going to say tell him right?

emergent8 posted 1/30/2020 18:14 PM

SHE should convince her sister to tell him or tell him herself. If she refuses, you should tell him.

The fact that she is being tight-lipped about this to you is not a good sign. She is lying about infidelity, scratch that. She is CONTINUING to lie about infidelity. She is not demonstrating that she recognizes cheating is wrong and that BS have a right to know the truth about their own life. If she will not demonstrate that in this case, how can you have any confidence that she is is demonstrating this with you. I get that this is her sister. I get that this is something that was told to her in confidence but you are absolutely right that this attitude is coloring her current thinking.

PS. I'm sorry, this is yet another gutpunch you didn't need.

Buffer posted 1/30/2020 18:15 PM

He needs to be told and you kind of know why. No need to tell WW is SIL. Could be done on anonymous or at least face to face under cone of silence stuff.
Buffer

This0is0Fine posted 1/30/2020 18:21 PM

You know we're all going to say tell him right?

Yes, but observe this beautiful piece of advice:

SHE should convince her sister to tell him or tell him herself. If she refuses, you should tell him.
The fact that she is being tight-lipped about this to you is not a good sign. She is lying about infidelity, scratch that. She is CONTINUING to lie about infidelity. She is not demonstrating that she recognizes cheating is wrong and that BS have a right to know the truth about their own life. If she will not demonstrate that in this case, how can you have any confidence that she is is demonstrating this with you. I get that this is her sister. I get that this is something that was told to her in confidence but you are absolutely right that this attitude is coloring her current thinking.

PS. I'm sorry, this is yet another gutpunch you didn't need.

This could prove to be an opportunity to prove her trustworthiness and remorse, or as you have eloquently pointed out, is currently proving she hasn't got her head out her ass.

He needs to be told and you kind of know why. No need to tell WW is SIL. Could be done on anonymous or at least face to face under cone of silence stuff.
Buffer

I will try to give my wife a chance here. Then I'll do it anonymously if she doesn't pull through.

Skadu posted 1/30/2020 18:36 PM

So you're cool using the poor BIL as a lesson for your wife?

There's a chance they've already done work to cover the SILs tracks, that's what cheaters do. You are far, far beyond "fool me once, fool be twice" and now you're going to let it hurt someone else too because..?

This0is0Fine posted 1/30/2020 18:53 PM

So you're cool using the poor BIL as a lesson for your wife?
There's a chance they've already done work to cover the SILs tracks, that's what cheaters do. You are far, far beyond "fool me once, fool be twice" and now you're going to let it hurt someone else too because..?

I don't think I follow. The advice here, which I liked, was, tell my wife to convince her sister to come clean. This shows my wife understands the pain infidelity causes AND that the BS has a right to know. If she doesn't, I tell the BIL and give her a giant black mark that we'll have to talk about, probably multiple times and at least once at MC. How am I letting it hurt him more?

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:53 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Skadu posted 1/30/2020 19:53 PM

Because you're trusting important information with an untrustworthy person and assuming she will do the right thing with it.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt when it only hurts you is one thing, it's something else when you're no longer the only person in the splash zone.

She can still cover her sisters tracks and paint you as crazy to the BIL and leave him in the dark.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 1/30/2020 20:35 PM

I find myself agreeing w ThisIsFine's idea to handle this, with a caveat. He can give his WW say, 2 weeks, to get SIL to do the right thing and confess or otherwise after those couple weeks he will let his BIL know what is up himself. After this 2-week grace period is up, ThisIsFine can check in with BIL himself to make sure that he really was informed. I mean, ThisIsFine does have a way to contact BIL directly, no?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:38 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 1/30/2020 20:46 PM

And, in that time frame his sister-in-law will delete any and all evidence of her Affair. So that way when the time frame is up, she won't have an affair to confess to because there will be absolutely zero evidence of anything that happened. She will tell her husband that he is making it up, because he is paranoid because his wife cheated on him.


Come on guys. We all know how cheaters work. They lie and they cover up. Heck, even his wife is lying to him and covering up for her sister's affair right now. By refusing to share any information, she is letting him know very clearly that she is very much a wayward, and he is still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. That should not extend to his sister-in-law. The brother-in-law deserves to know what's going on.

This0is0Fine posted 1/30/2020 20:47 PM

I have BIL's cell number

Buster123 posted 1/30/2020 20:49 PM

He can give his WW say, 2 weeks, to get SIL to do the right thing and confess

I think two weeks is 13 days too long, why not just 24 hrs ? he's been deceived long enough, but I suspect his WW won't even do that, she herself still is not even willing to change jobs to save her own M, why would she do the right thing for someone else ? she's a proven cheater and a liar, and TBH why would she do anything ? the consequences shw will have to endure is just "a black mark" (whatever that is).

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/31/2020 02:12 AM

What is your timeline and deadline for having your wife convince SIl to admit to her husband that she cheated?

Good luck

steadychevy posted 1/31/2020 04:45 AM

Two weeks gives way too much time to develop and perfect the great coverup. Two weeks also tells This0is0Fine's WW he isn't really serious and in two weeks he'll back off. It should be by 6 tonight or something along that line.

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