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Wife of almost ten years is emotionally cheating on me

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ShutterHappy posted 12/12/2019 14:45 PM

So you are favoring R at this point. Thatís ok. People here will taylor their posts according to your wish. I see a poster that has been here 10 years, imagine how many stories she has seen. That advice is worth a million bucks

When a WW agrees to NC, then the BS (you) contacts the OBS, this is what happens next:
- A comes under the spotlight. OBS watches the OM like a hawk.
- OM throws WW under the bus.
- WW makes a huge fuss: ďhow could you do this to him?Ē

Then the next question is.... wait, you were NC, how do you know this?

Often the OBS and BS (you) exchange all kind of useful information.

Now, your best chance to a successful R is:
1- get the truth
2- WW has to fix herself so this never happens again.

Most Waywards donít get it perfectly on day 1. Itís good that your WW agreed to your conditions. And you wonít have to be the marriage police for the rest of your life. But at this point of your process, doing a Poly is your best chance of success.

Imagine you got diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria on your leg. The doctors could amputate or they can try to remove the infection. If the patient chooses option #2, the best chance of success is to go agressive, not to put antibiotic ointment.

Give R the best chance of success; reconsider Poly, written timeline and (temporarily) VAR.

Best of luck, we are rooting for you!

arobk posted 12/12/2019 15:18 PM

This0is0Fine I'm one of the people that suggested that you come here from reddit. I also suggested you read some of the threads here. I still think that's a good idea. There are a lot of shared behaviors when it comes to cheaters and knowing what they are can save you from being blindsided. Knowing what might be coming can reduce the pain you are likely to suffer.

You may be feeling attacked on here. That is not the intention of the people responding to you. They really do want to help you. Try not to take what is said as an attack on you, but as strong advice from someone who wants you to open your eyes about what is happening. People may joke about a cheaters playbook, but the reason is that cheaters often follow a similar pattern and what is going to be a surprise to you, people on here have seen a hundred times.

One piece of advice I read on here often is to take what you need from here and leave the rest. I think it is good advice. Do read what others have to say even if you disagree. If you do read through some other threads you will find later that some people in the thread saying they wish they had listened to the advice given earlier in the thread. That's OK, sometimes it takes a while to get through the fog of finding out the person you love has betrayed you.

If you find yourself overwhelmed here it is OK to take a day or more to get your head straight and then come back. This is a great place to get support and vent to people who understand what you are going through. The people here really want to help you get out of infidelity and will help you do that if you let them.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 15:27 PM

People may joke about a cheaters playbook, but the reason is that cheaters often follow a similar pattern and what is going to be a surprise to you, people on here have seen a hundred times.

I am actually compiling a "cheater's handbook" as a guide/antidote for betrayed spouses. The great thing about SI is a lot of collective wisdom, but not everything has been gathered together conveniently all the time. The articles section does a great job, but I think it would be handy to have a "cheaters 101 script" that lays out decision tree behaviors that are common.

If anyone wants to help in this endeavor, PM me.

I'm also compiling a list of "questions every BS should ask" - there are threads on this topic but no one has collectively gathered it together into a single document as far as I'm aware.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:28 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 15:29 PM

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair

There are two different books:

Linda J. MacDonald


Suellen McDolly

Which is the one to buy? Thanks.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 15:31 PM

The one by Linda McDonald

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 15:48 PM

Someone asked what state I'm in and it's Washington. Our divorce laws look pretty much like no-fault, and alimony is 1/3 of the marriage length.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 15:59 PM

do yourself a favor and take a couple of tangible next steps:

1. Go get at least one VAR for your pocket to protect yourself and document conversations with your wife. They're cheap and you can get them at Best Buy. It will take less than 30 minutes to do this and set it up. I know you're resistant to this, but consider buying more than one and then getting some black tape, cheap headphones and industrial strength velcro strips (Wal-Mart). It's a remarkably easy thing to set up. The headphones are for you to clip off and put in the headphone jack. The black tape covers the display. The velcro helps you secure it somewhere.

2. Look up two polygraph examiners in your area and talk to them. They are very professional people and will talk you through the process. I know you don't feel like you want to do this right now, but at least do yourself the favor of talking to them so you'll understand how it works.

3. Find an IC in your area that focuses on betrayal trauma and make an appointment.

4. Schedule an STD panel for yourself.

5. Go see a divorce attorney. Go see a few of the best in your area if you can, thus you've "consulted" with them and they can no longer represent your wife ethically. Get the ball rolling on divorce papers, have her served and get a separation agreement in front of her. You should really do this regardless of whether you want to R. It's called shock and awe.

NotInMyLife posted 12/12/2019 16:05 PM

Which is the one to buy?
The MacDonald book is the standard, published almost ten years ago. It's short and to the point. The other one was only published a couple of months ago and IMHO, makes too many excuses for the cheater.

I find it curious that anyone would issue another book with such a well recognized title and have to wonder whether there is some relationship between them

In any case, the book is written for the cheater. Your wife should be the one asking about it.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 4:43 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 16:13 PM


There is a well-known phenomenon where a newly-betrayed spouse rushes to Amazon in hopes of finding answers in books and buys a pile of them and puts them in front of the cheater in hopes that they will "get it."

Don't do this.

You really only need one book (the Linda McDonald book) and ideally your cheating wife should have been the one to do this legwork, but ok, put it in front of her.

If your wife says that the book makes her feel bad, is guilt-tripping or heavy-handed, tell your wife to go do something anatomically impossible with herself -- and then divorce her ass.

For yourself, another good book to read would be Shirley Glass's book.

Don't get trapped into the mode of sending your wife a bunch of articles and books. If she wants to "get it" she can get off her ass and do that homework herself.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:14 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

CatsNTats posted 12/12/2019 16:14 PM

She has not responded. I don't know. Maybe she blocked me. I don't have her phone number, but I was able to find her facebook

She most likely has not received your message. FB messenger is set up in a way that if you aren't friends with someone, and they send you a message, you have to look for it. It does not typically pop up in their inbox. You can also tell if someone has read the message as their profile pic will show in the bottom corner that they have seen it.

You need to find a different way to contact the OBS.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 16:27 PM

Agree. Social media isn't the most reliable for contacting people. People sometimes go many days without checking their FB or LinkedIn messages.

Does she have a place of work?

If you really want her to know, you could just show up on her doorstep or write her a letter. However, AP's have been known try to intercept mail to prevent that.

steadychevy posted 12/12/2019 16:27 PM

The IC my WW was seeing before sex and after sex with her AP informed her she needed to do what made her happy. The IC didn't know she had a boyfriend at work but gave her permission to proceed with those kinds of statements.

If the IC your WW sees isn't experienced in trauma and adultery she may well advise your WW to not reveal anything. This is bullshit and re-traumatizes the betrayed.

You've gotten so much advice from those of us who have lived through this torture. Collectively we've heard it all and seen it all. Your WW isn't unique. What she has done isn't unique. I hope you listen and act on the advice given and avoid adding any more pain onto the load you are already carrying.

This0is0Fine posted 12/12/2019 17:11 PM

I appreciate all of this. I have blown it a little, but not much, I feel. I did contact the obs and had temporary blowback. She still hasn't talked back to me but I know she got my message and that it got her out of fixing nowhere. I handled that just fine. My wife tells like she is a terrible person, a disease I'm better off without, and may be bordering on suicidal (runs on her family, mom, and grandmother both committed suicide). No she hasn't threatened suicide or asked anything if me. I've have not allowed her to shift any blame. I'll get the var for carrying on myself, but only for protection, not for tracking. If I ever cross that line, it's just pointless.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 17:15 PM

My wife tells like she is a terrible person, a disease I'm better off without, and may be bordering on suicidal

This is incredibly common.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 17:16 PM

Thanks for getting the VAR - it's a start.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 17:16 PM

I did contact the obs and had temporary blowback

Blowback from your wife? If so, what does that tell you?

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 17:29 PM

This0is0Fine, tomorrow morning when you've had a little time to rest go back and reread that long post I put up with a detailed outline for steps you should take (on page 2 of this thread). Really think about it. That's considered SOP in these situations, especially a work affair.

Again the VAR in her car is so you have INFORMATION and INTEL regardless of whether it's over or you want to reconcile. You will be one step ahead, and if it's over at that point, as you say, then you can reduce the odds of getting divorce raped.

So really think that through. Without these things we've recommended you're just flying blind. Your wife is not flying blind, she knows everything, so you are essentially putting her in the driver's seat. And that's not a very fun ride, I assure you.

The vague suicidal talk is a gambit for your sympathy. Let that sink in. Remember when someone on this thread said get ready for the mind games to begin? Your wife will switch back and forth between a lot of channels to see if she can find an opening with you. This will consist of DARVO'ing you, gaslighting you, weeping hysterically, giving you the cold shoulder for days, blaming you for the affar, lovebombing you, minimizing her actions repeatedly, attempting to put you in a p*ssy coma with lots of great hysterical bonding sex, attacking you, resenting you, badmouthing you to her family and lots more. So buckle up. This is just beginning And yes, that's what you'll get from a WW when you're trying to reconcile, so just think about what happens if you really decided to move forward with divorce.

Without insisting she sit down and write a detaled day by day narrative timeline for you (and it should be pages and pages of detailed narrative) measured for veracity against a professional polygraph, you are leaving yourself severely exposed. It's quite frankly dangerous to your sanity. I don't want to scare you, but I need to be blunt, and I'd be remiss if I didn't warn you.

So think long on this.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:32 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Fishin4happyness posted 12/12/2019 17:45 PM

I'll get the var for carrying on myself, but only for protection, not for tracking. If I ever cross that line, it's just pointless.

If you are really considering R, don't do it blindly. We totally get not wanting that kind of relationship. No two ways about it, it all sucks so bad. There is story after story here of false R wherein the WW never "really" stopped talking to the AP. It cools off for a bit and goes underground from all the sources you revealed you got your info from. Your wife is in the thick of it with this OM. Your words were "she wasn't sure what she wants." That is a terrible sign. My feeling is she contacted the OM to see what his real commitment to her was. At this point she could be just a phone call away from being right back into it. Very sorry, but this is your reality.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 17:45 PM

Someone on another thread just described today how her husband's infidelity had left her with a "Swiss cheese brain" full of holes in her life and gaps she can't account for bc her husband has never been forthcoming. It's torturing her.

Now just think about that. That's horrific. And it's real.

Don't let that be you.

You can cut this nonsense bullshit off at the knees in one fell swoop and put a stop to any future mind games by your wife.

Shock and awe her with an ultimatum for a timeline, schedule a polygraph, put her in the car one day and take her to the polygraph. The parking lot confession is real. If you're scared about knowing, what does that tell you?

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

fareast posted 12/12/2019 17:46 PM


Sorry you are going through this but you are doing fine, believe it or not. You have informed the OBS. You have confronted your WW and she has agreed to seek a new job, give you her phone, and has confessed that she put the OMís interests before yours. She needs to answer all of your questions and give you complete transparency for even the possibility of R. You need to recover those texts on her phone for your own peace of mind, and to answer any nagging questions you have. She needs to give you a written timeline of her A going forward. You decide how much information you need moving forward. If you need a polygraph so be it.

You stated your WW has been in IC for anxiety disorder forever. If you think she is mentally unstable and possibly suicidal contact the proper agencies to deal with it. Stay the course. Time is your ally here to sort out your emotions and thoughts. You may decide at a later date that her actions are a dealbreaker for you and file for D. Be vigilant. Watch her actions and not her words. Good luck.

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