"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MalibuBayBreeze posted 12/12/2019 10:04 AM

So this happened yesterday....

My WH has been arguing with our cell carrier because they keep trying to switch us to online billing. He wants an actual bill mailed as all our others are except his CC bill interestingly. So the customer service rep must've been a true wise ass and sent an envelope with over 90 pages as the bill. For some reason it primarily covered text messages.

So what did I do first thing yesterday? I looked through the pages, looking for a pattern and quickly found one. The same 2 numbers over and over. Sent and received pics and texts. All hours of the day and late into the night. I tried a pretty reliable phone search and no identity came up so I assumed burner phones. My heart started pounding, my breathing escalated and an uncontrollable shaking took hold. I went against the narrative and immediately texted him at work that he better have a really good fucking explanation, that he is still cheating and I hope he's happy with her. I then called several friends in a desperate attempt to get pulled back off the edge.

He tried calling me when I was on the phone. I didn't answer. He sent texts. He denied and said I should call those numbers. He wanted me to. That it was likely our DD's or DS's phone.

You know what? It was DD's phone. Oooops!

I couldn't stop shaking and my body felt it the rest of the day. But what has rocked me to my core is my reaction.

I have strongly felt over the past 4 years that my strength has increased, that I have detached and that IF there was another DDay I wouldn't be as distraught as I was the first time and would promptly and unemotionally kick him to the curb. Yesterday morning had me right back where I was 4 years ago come January when I was able to see our phone records. Maybe all the other stressful issues occurring now factored into it but holy hell I went off the deep end straight down the rabbit hole.

I had several friends looking to get together with me yesterday and wasn't able to see any of them due to the time of my appt and that my DD was watching my DS for me and she had to get home to my mom.

I spoke to my BFF and told her I don't understand why I can and have cut people out of my life without looking back but for some reason I cannot shut off the emotional switch towards my WH. Had logic played into this scenario at all it would have told me "Hey MBB, calm the fuck down. If he is communicating with anyone he would be smart enough to do it through an app that wouldn't show up on your bill". But logic wasn't present yesterday morning. Just the same raw emotional pain that existed 4 years ago. This shit never ends. I am convinced of that.

So WH came home after working OT and I said nothing. He sent me a text I assume to not have DS hear us which he would have and I was in my bedroom. He said he understands I no longer trust him. That he has to own that he is responsible for that. That he loves me. That he's working hard for our future. That he sees the stress I am under and so on. I responded and unleashed a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings. But he didn't address any of the more serious comments I made. Again.

So after 4 fucking years I guess I really haven't progressed as much as I thought. As if I don't already feel like an epic failure on multiple levels this just proves it to me. It didn't help matters that this happened at the anniversary of finding that gift bag that started this journey. The timing couldn't have been worse and somewhere the universe is laughing it's ass off at me.

northeasternarea posted 12/12/2019 10:14 AM

He tried calling me when I was on the phone. I didn't answer. He sent texts. He denied and said I should call those numbers. He wanted me to. That it was likely our DD's or DS's phone.

You know what? It was DD's phone. Oooops!

Glad your fears weren't realized. I think your panic was due to the fact that you haven't prepared for the possibility of life on your own. I love your WH's response of telling you to call the number.

keet posted 12/12/2019 11:13 AM

MalibuBayBreeze, you're selling yourself short. Even if you are strong, and even if you have built yourself up, the lizard part of your brain still has a say in all of this. Betrayal is a form of trauma, and our brains are trying to save us. You saw a warning, and your lizard-brain kicked into high gear to protect you. Sadly, panic attacks are part of that protection. But this is how our lizard-selves make sure the rest of our brains know we need to be putting up a fight or running away. The logical part of your brain wants to be able to walk away. And given a few days, if this had been a betrayal, you would have done just that. Yes, you would have been plagued with panic attacks, but those panic attacks would have been your brain's way of protecting you, and making sure you got away from danger. That part of you is vigilant against the threat that hurt you once. And that's GOOD. Even if we rebuild, we all need to be ready for another D-day. Being ready is being able to walk away, which I know you could have done. But being ready is also a primal instinct, a knee-jerk reaction to protect us.

So you aren't weak. Your brain is doing it's job.

(((((MBB)))))

tushnurse posted 12/12/2019 11:51 AM

(((MBB))))

I agree with your lizard brain kicking in and taking over.

Now the falling down the hole, and messing up the rest of your day, could use some work.

So now in the aftermath, think and plan what you would do in the future should you be presented with a similar situation. A step by step process to keep that lizard brain working but not taking over.

It was nice he said what he said, but his lack of effort to address and change that is disappointing even though it's not surprising.

Stop beating yourself up. Being A season, and a significant date didn't help. The current stress you are dealing with related to your mom, and son, also played a part in this response, you are exhuasted. Embrace the progress you have made.
Acknowledge that the trauma you have been through isn't healed, and that's ok. But also consider work you can do on your own to heal from some of it still.

((((And Strength))))

Hg65 posted 12/12/2019 12:39 PM

Oh wow.....

This is the result of shattered trust. It’s on him.

Cooley2here posted 12/12/2019 12:54 PM

This is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have no control over it. Posters are right. Your flight or fight response kicked in and you were sharpening your sword. He did this to you. Give yourself a break.

Lalagirl posted 12/12/2019 13:11 PM

(((((MBB))))))

My heart started pounding, my breathing escalated and an uncontrollable shaking took hold.

God, I remember that feeling - on both D-Days and they were years ago.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Please don't be hard on yourself about it - you have a lot on your plate, girl.

Sending strength & hugs...

Lala

crazyblindsided posted 12/12/2019 17:52 PM

This is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

^^^ This! Be gentle on yourself (((MBB))) my STBX is still my biggest trigger. It's why I am saving myself now and my sanity (even though IHS is making me insane too). I feel like this kind of stuff never ends.

I honestly wonder how any BS gets passed this.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 12/12/2019 21:58 PM

The logical part of your brain wants to be able to walk away. And given a few days, if this had been a betrayal, you would have done just that. Yes, you would have been plagued with panic attacks, but those panic attacks would have been your brain's way of protecting you, and making sure you got away from danger. That part of you is vigilant against the threat that hurt you once.

It didn't really feel like my body was protecting me but I hear what you're saying. Had it been the real deal I believe fury would have taken over. Though I was freaking out I was telling my friend I was going to blow it up because a part of me was seething.

I agree about the PTSD as well. I brought it up yesterday at my appt. Again I said I need treatment for PTSD, triggers and tools to help with my mindset to shift from seeing failure to seeing strength. Sitting and bullshiting with someone for 45 minutes isn't doing a damn thing. Her best response was to ask if I want AD's. No thanks. Way too many side effects.

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone and though this turned out to be nothing, there's still a gnawing feeling. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

pureheartkit posted 12/12/2019 22:14 PM

I saw a number too and my heart started going, my hands trembling. It was something safe but still it's not fun to worry. Things come up, emotions come out. It's hard.

Marie2792 posted 12/13/2019 09:34 AM

Please give yourself a break. I am five years out and sometimes I see things that freak me for a moment too. It’s normal. Even this stage out things bother me. I had a massive trigger last night. It caused an argument. He was unaware. But it’s okay. This is his price to pay for what he has done in our marriage. Key is what he has done. Not me. And not you.

That aside, your sons recent injury is also taking front burner now and with the A season starting for you, it’s compounded. I know there’s other things happening for you too so just know that you are balancing a full plate and it’s okay to need a good scream or strong drink.

You got this. And we got you. ((MBB))

thatbpguy posted 12/13/2019 09:42 AM

You know what? It was DD's phone. Oooops!

Sorry, MBB, but this made me laugh. I've been thru that as well in a way. Then I sit down and think of what infidelity/betrayal has done to me. It sure can suck- even years later.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 12/13/2019 10:36 AM

Marie2792
That's the horrific part of LTA's. There is no A season, it encompasses years. I actually think of it as my discovery season because it took 3 months for him to crack all while continuing the A. Yes, everything else is compounding it. My son is top priority now but it doesn't push away the triggers and my emotional breakdown at the hospital last week showed me just how close to the surface everything is. Hugs to you my friend. ❤

thatbpguy
I'd be lying if I said my mind didn't scream Oh Shit when I finally saw my DD's number at the top of the page. Doesn't negate the fact that trust has left the building. If anything this reiterates it.

In our text exchange the other night he denied certain things I expressed that I believed happened during his LTA such as places he was with her. Mind you all I have is speculation and putting pieces together because you know, answering my questions still isn't a priority for him. But he made a comment that my tracking devices must not be that accurate. WTF? He thinks I am or was tracking him. I haven't installed anything.

And his explanation of a certain contact in his phone doesn't fly with me. I'm letting sleeping dogs lie a bit because I've had enough emotional upheaval since last week but I will be asking how long he's had this contact. If he tries to claim it's recent I have taken a photo of his old iPhone's contact list. We switched phones a year and a half ago so we'll see.