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Abandonment & discard now complete

Muggle posted 12/18/2019 14:11 PM

This was supposed to get easier. It's been almost 2 years now. I should be having a Hallmark Christmas with smiling faces and joy.

This is not what I'm feeling. I'm feeling drained, exhausted and less than enthusiastic. The highlight of my year was getting the Christmas cards in the exchange.

I've been cheated on, left behind, betrayed. I fought hard and won my settlement. It cost me my well being, self esteem, and I've healed a great deal in that time.

Since then he's continued to impact my life and I can't control it. We have zero contact. He is in default on our civil settlement. It's not child support so I can't bring contempt against him. He has not paid off the bills he agreed to pay. He's left me to pay them, and for my credit to suffer. He owes over $12,000 in bills to me, that I can't afford to pay off. My attorney told me I can't get a judgement against him for not paying unless I pay off the bills first. I can then sue him but not before.

He has a large income, and continues to live a rich life financially. He travels with his wife, and refuses to help with extra expenses for our kids. He made me buy tires for our sons car, as they were bald. He pays his child support on the last day or two before it's delinquent. He pays me my buyout on the LAST day of the month. This forces me to pay all my bills, and front the next months, before I receive a penny. This is entirely spite.

He brought a multi million dollar lawsuit against me, and I had to hire a second attorney to defend me. I can't recoup my attorney fees unless I let it continue to a judge, which could cost tens of thousands more. The lawsuit is being dismissed with prejudice, but it's cost me close to $10,000. I'm still paying my original attorney.

The one thing that pushed me over the edge was that he called our daughter and told her her found some letters I wrote him when we first met, and photos. He wanted her to have them, or for her to give them to me. He made a surprising statement to her that "not all the time with your mother was bad". I felt so victimized by the idea I've been completely erased from existence. The only evidence I ever was there, is our children. I don't know why this particular gesture is having such an impact on me emotionally.

I think it brings my discard full circle and I truly feel the full force of having been abandoned. If that weren't enough I opened Facebook, and it sent me a memory from 4 years ago. It was a smiling happy photo of the two of us at a Christmas light festival. My entire life seems to have been a lie.

I can't separate and compartmentalize this one single thing. I know from past experience, he held onto old photos of girlfriends and things that validated how important he was to them. He would call old flames from time to time in secret to keep his ego intact. It's a narcissistic thing. I know that his new wife has dictated that nothing from me remains, no contact. I'm officially non existent in that realm.

Do we ever really heal from Narcissistic abuse, or do we just survive it? I thought I'd be dancing in the street that I don't have to deal with him, but I feel like I'll never be free. He will always have some impact from afar.

My daughters councilor said his wife appears to be a bigger Narcissist than he is, and he thinks he's in control, but she is. She warned me that he's controlling me still from behind the scenes with his lawsuit, not paying bills, and asking questions about me. She advised me to be careful that when and if I start dating she worries that he may become angry or even more spiteful. She said when she leaves him, she will take everything, as she's gained control of all his finances personally and for his business. He added her as a signer on his corporate account within a month of marriage, changed his life insurance to her, and gave her the CFO position in his business. He's put a new business in her name alone recently. He's distanced himself from all his children. He isn't spending Christmas or our daughters birthday with her.

So much for Christmas spirit. I need to find my inner Cindy Lou Who and visit Whoville for a holiday.

[This message edited by Muggle at 2:14 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 12/18/2019 14:54 PM

((Muggle))

That is awful, I'm shocked about the bill situation, just wow.

The one thing that pushed me over the edge was that he called our daughter and told her her found some letters I wrote him when we first met, and photos. He wanted her to have them, or for her to give them to me. He made a surprising statement to her that "not all the time with your mother was bad". I felt so victimized by the idea I've been completely erased from existence. The only evidence I ever was there, is our children. I don't know why this particular gesture is having such an impact on me emotionally.

I don't have children, but I do have this feeling like I was erased. I think a part of it comes from that we want to feel like our time spent mattered and wasn't a waste, that we matter. And we do, but those feelings sneak in nonetheless.

I think it brings my discard full circle and I truly feel the full force of having been abandoned. If that weren't enough I opened Facebook, and it sent me a memory from 4 years ago. It was a smiling happy photo of the two of us at a Christmas light festival. My entire life seems to have been a lie.

I hate when Facebook does that, it always seems to be at the worst time too.

--

I'm not particular enthusiastic about this Christmas either, but I hope you're able to enjoy it with your children. Merry Christmas, Muggle...and remember:

"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."

-Calvin Coolidge

WhoTheBleep posted 12/18/2019 14:56 PM

Oh Muggle, I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you IRL.

I know exactly what it's like dealing with a narcissist. STBX has been amping up his abuse, and I am sick to my stomach 24/7. I can't sleep at night, I have to medicate with melatonin and Tylenol PM. When I do sleep I have horrific nightmares. I'm so tired and so over it. No matter what happens I will never be free of him and he will always abuse me. I pray for the day his head explodes from the steroids. That is the only way I will ever have peace.

What are your holiday plans? Will you be with your kids?

Chili posted 12/18/2019 15:12 PM

You know what Muggle? I have an extra soft spot for you and your situation having shared a business with my Ex as well. And he also tried in every way possible to screw me over financially. Cost me a fortune to get away from him. Evil stuff.

Mine ended up in the gutter money-wise, but the fact that your piece of shit actually has the money and continues to use it as a weapon against you? What a dick. I really don't have any great words of wisdom (except I hope it gets better as the kids get older), so I'll just vent along with you. Let me get out my bitch boots for a minute.

I mean seriously - handle your business man. Pay the damn settlement. The court ordered him to and he gives them the finger as well? What a raging self-righteous narc-y disordered turd. Just do what you're supposed to do. Get it over with - act with a little humility - and then you can take that goofy life-sucking wife thing of yours all around the world hoping to keep her satisfied (har de har har har).

Take care of your children. You helped make them. Be a Father and quit making everyone's life more difficult. What is it you're going to win here? The prize for "no one can tell me what to do?" Good for you - soon your own children won't want much to do with you if you keep this up. That's a real winner. And you know what? Leave them out of your marriage. You tell your daughter that "not all the time with your mother was bad?" Who says that kind of shit to their kid? How about trying to keep your mouth shut.

Muggle - this guy needs a serious kick in the crotch. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with his disordered nonsense in very real-world ways. I really still struggle to understand why when all you want is to get away and move on and maybe protect your assets that they rage and continue to throw punches. It's a special kind of nastiness for sure.

I'm ever hopeful his own new drama will start sucking some of his energy and give you more of a pass. Shields up for sure - you don't want to be in their pathway. Sigh.

So you don't dance in the street this Christmas or have a Hallmark one (you don't strike me as particularly Hallmark-y channel, but what do I know). Instead you have a lovely season with your kids as you can - hug that dog tight - and re-read those cards if they make you smile. Time to take care of Muggle big big time. You need it. You deserve it.

I'm sorry if this really wasn't helpful - it just really pissed me off and had me looking around for my shovel and thinking I should drive the 1970s Lincoln because it's got a nice big trunk.

Muggle posted 12/18/2019 19:33 PM

What are your holiday plans? Will you be with your kids?

I have them 100% of the time. He pops in and takes them to dinner every month or so, and occasionally phones them. He's going to go visit his wife for a month across the USA.

I had no words for our daughter. I know she wanted him to be around for Christmas and her birthday, as it's the day before, even if it was only for a few hours.

He met them for dinner, handed them all cards with $120 in it, and left after eating. He told them he was going to be moving, but staying in the same state. He then told them he won't be giving his address to anyone but his wife.

They navigate their own relationship with him, and they're less and less interested in "maintaining" a relationship with him. He's not there when they need him, he shows minimal interest in their lives.

I'm going to take a page from the Grinch.

hopefullife posted 12/19/2019 00:43 AM

[Bold]Muggle, I know your situation very well. Mine also left me as if he had no responsibility to me. He left with debts I incurred from helping in his business. It's not just the loss of love that hurts. It's the abandonment to the point we do not matter at all, that no matter how much we suffer has nothing to do with them. You'd think they would at least try to lift the burden, at least financially to not burden you further. But no. How can years of being together with you lead to zero caring? They are that sick.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 12:43 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Muggle posted 12/19/2019 11:57 AM

My water heater just quit. It's 15 years old. I live in a rural area. The ONE company that was semi-reasonable on cost to replace is booked until Christmas. They quoted me $1400-1600.

I may not have hot water until AFTER Christmas, if they can't fit me in. I won't know until tomorrow.

I can't put it on my credit card because douchbag, asshat, wasteofspace EX WS didn't pay off the debts he agreed to in our settlement. I'M PAYING OFF THE DAMN CREDIT CARD, and IF he had done what he agreed to I would be able to pay for this on that card. INSTEAD the card doesn't have enough available balance for me to use it for more than a small portion of the cost. The rest has to come from ME.

I've already paid $10,000 CASH for his FRICKING "payback" lawsuit from hell, on top of the divorce costs which were $25,000 plus.

I want to sit down and cry. I want to scream, and yell, WHY NOW? Hasn't all this been ENOUGH to completely destroy me, but it hasn't.

On top of that I know he's not paying me as usual until the LAST DAY OF THIS MONTH, NEW YEARS EVE, which makes this even more impossible to cope with. I've already had a $700 vet bill this month, repaired one of our kids cars $2400, bought tires $300.

The world seems against me right now, and I know that's not true, but it just seems that I can't get a break. I need some calm, peace, and a glass of wine.

I have to sign the final papers on his lawsuit to dismiss today, and that's stressful enough.

Pray the water heater comes on and I can limp through Christmas at least with water.

MamaDragon posted 12/19/2019 13:36 PM

(hugs)

It sucks that a man allows another person to come in between him and his kids.

The good thing about this is when he is old and grey and the AP leaves him for better fields, his kids will dump him in a nursing home to rot.

You will get through this - see if you find a local handyman that could look at your water heater. Sometimes it is just the coil that is bad and can be replaced.

and as for him moving and not giving the address, I think that is a no no with children - check with your lawyer on that
(hugs)

EllieKMAS posted 12/19/2019 15:33 PM

Ah shit Muggle - just saw this thread. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this crap right now I just don't even have the words for what an astronomical douchehole he is being...

I know it doesn't help a whole lot, but sending you (and your kids) lots of hugs! Hang in there - things have a funny way of turning around when we least expect them to.

And in the spirit of your grinchiness, I shall share my holiday idol:

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/19/2019 15:43 PM

Oh I know this feeling SO very well:

The world seems against me right now, and I know that's not true, but it just seems that I can't get a break. I need some calm, peace, and a glass of wine.

Two months ago making through an hour was impossible - now, I can do it, but not with ease or anything. I wish I knew where people on here were located as there have been times, posts like yours, where I feel the need to just drive to wherever that person is and suffer together. I'm so sorry you're in this shitshow.

crazyblindsided posted 12/19/2019 15:51 PM

(((Muggle))) I hope you get some hot water soon! Your STBX should help pay for it for the holidays.

I really don't understand why good people have to suffer while the nasty ones keep on. I really hope things come together so that you can find some peace.

StillLivin posted 12/20/2019 15:10 PM

You're in good company. My X tried to destroy me and he did lots of the same petty shit with paying bills late 9r not at all.
Sadly, it takes cutting them completely out of your life before true healing begins. Have you seen a financial advisor? Have you considered filing bankruptcy. Your credit will take a hit, but it's doing that already.
I had to do a deed in lieu on our home. It really, I'd finally gotten so fed up that if I'd had to, I would have let the bank foreclose on the house just to get him far away.
Definitely consult with a financial expert before making any decisions. Right now he's getting off on the control he still has to hurt you.

Marz posted 12/20/2019 15:22 PM

Maybe it would pay you to see another attorney.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/20/2019 20:50 PM

Try the breaker on the hot water heater, thatís what our problem was.... we found out after I boiled water on the stove for baths for 2 weeks.

(((Muggle)))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:18 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

66charger posted 12/20/2019 23:00 PM

Call the gas company and tell them your water heater is not working and that YOU SMELL GAS. Most public utilities will come out right away. They will not repair the heater unless it is a minor repair with no parts required.. Most utilities will redtag it and note what the problem is. If you can get this information, most repair compnies will send a tech out with the part.

As was stated, check the breaker first, especially if you have installed a lot of Christmas lights.

A water heater that has not been exposed to weather (rain) should last longer than 15 years, however some of the minor parts may not. Replacing the parts may cost you as low as $150 for a thermacouple (common problem) or $500 for a cracked firebox.

Oh and fuck that dude. The price will be paid when your children dont answer the phone, (I blow up my daughters phone until she answers) Cats in the cradle if you know that song.

Never let anyone ruin your holidays. Instead of being the grinch, be that guy who wakes up and realises it is still Christmas and it was all a dream.

5 Golden rings. 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. (I hope thats right but if not, you get the point)

[This message edited by 66charger at 11:12 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

pureheartkit posted 12/21/2019 03:32 AM

Hard times won't be forever. He's going to be awful to the end.

Sometimes I would imagine I was laying all my troubles in a large stone box and put the heavy lid on for a few hours. You must. You must get a mental break sometimes from the frustration, anger and sadness. Find some beauty somewhere. I used to make toast and tea and have a small vase of flowers. That small little thing in a day full of hurt. How can people be so mean and selfish?

Your kids will see these events and remember your love and suffering. Cruel N people. Don't let it erode all your happiness. Find a little reason to smile somewhere. Listen to your favorite comic tell jokes for ten minutes. Wear your favorite perfume. ((((((((((((Muggle)))))))))))))))

rebplay posted 12/21/2019 06:46 AM

Just wow. Youíre dealing with a lot of undeserved shit. And your kids are seeing a not so wonderful side of their dad. Iím truly sorry you and your kids are faced with such hard times. I
Pray you and your kids find comfort, peace and happiness. I
Also hope some of the others advice on the water heater come through! Sincere good thoughts

Muggle posted 12/23/2019 01:20 AM

All is right with the world. I have a new hot water heater, and HOT water.

To answer a few of you. I own the house outright, no payments. I have debt but it's the debt he left me, and it's not worth declaring bankruptcy. It's draining, financially difficult to pay it, but it will be paid over time. I refuse to sacrifice more of my life to allow him to win.

I have propane, so no calling anyone to deal with it. They would turn off the propane, and tell me to replace it. The pilot light would light, it just wouldn't stay lit. Fortunately I managed to get them to come BEFORE Christmas. They charged me $1465 including tax. This was about $900 less than the other companies. The guy was amazing, they squeezed me into their schedule. The rest said the soonest appointment would be Dec 27th.

This too shall pass, we just feel the weight of it more at the holidays. I'm going to put on the Grinch cartoon, followed by Rudolph and have a cup of hot chocolate with my daughter. I can't con my sons into watching it anymore. LOL

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