This was supposed to get easier. It's been almost 2 years now. I should be having a Hallmark Christmas with smiling faces and joy.
This is not what I'm feeling. I'm feeling drained, exhausted and less than enthusiastic. The highlight of my year was getting the Christmas cards in the exchange.
I've been cheated on, left behind, betrayed. I fought hard and won my settlement. It cost me my well being, self esteem, and I've healed a great deal in that time.
Since then he's continued to impact my life and I can't control it. We have zero contact. He is in default on our civil settlement. It's not child support so I can't bring contempt against him. He has not paid off the bills he agreed to pay. He's left me to pay them, and for my credit to suffer. He owes over $12,000 in bills to me, that I can't afford to pay off. My attorney told me I can't get a judgement against him for not paying unless I pay off the bills first. I can then sue him but not before.
He has a large income, and continues to live a rich life financially. He travels with his wife, and refuses to help with extra expenses for our kids. He made me buy tires for our sons car, as they were bald. He pays his child support on the last day or two before it's delinquent. He pays me my buyout on the LAST day of the month. This forces me to pay all my bills, and front the next months, before I receive a penny. This is entirely spite.
He brought a multi million dollar lawsuit against me, and I had to hire a second attorney to defend me. I can't recoup my attorney fees unless I let it continue to a judge, which could cost tens of thousands more. The lawsuit is being dismissed with prejudice, but it's cost me close to $10,000. I'm still paying my original attorney.
The one thing that pushed me over the edge was that he called our daughter and told her her found some letters I wrote him when we first met, and photos. He wanted her to have them, or for her to give them to me. He made a surprising statement to her that "not all the time with your mother was bad". I felt so victimized by the idea I've been completely erased from existence. The only evidence I ever was there, is our children. I don't know why this particular gesture is having such an impact on me emotionally.
I think it brings my discard full circle and I truly feel the full force of having been abandoned. If that weren't enough I opened Facebook, and it sent me a memory from 4 years ago. It was a smiling happy photo of the two of us at a Christmas light festival. My entire life seems to have been a lie.
I can't separate and compartmentalize this one single thing. I know from past experience, he held onto old photos of girlfriends and things that validated how important he was to them. He would call old flames from time to time in secret to keep his ego intact. It's a narcissistic thing. I know that his new wife has dictated that nothing from me remains, no contact. I'm officially non existent in that realm.
Do we ever really heal from Narcissistic abuse, or do we just survive it? I thought I'd be dancing in the street that I don't have to deal with him, but I feel like I'll never be free. He will always have some impact from afar.
My daughters councilor said his wife appears to be a bigger Narcissist than he is, and he thinks he's in control, but she is. She warned me that he's controlling me still from behind the scenes with his lawsuit, not paying bills, and asking questions about me. She advised me to be careful that when and if I start dating she worries that he may become angry or even more spiteful. She said when she leaves him, she will take everything, as she's gained control of all his finances personally and for his business. He added her as a signer on his corporate account within a month of marriage, changed his life insurance to her, and gave her the CFO position in his business. He's put a new business in her name alone recently. He's distanced himself from all his children. He isn't spending Christmas or our daughters birthday with her.
So much for Christmas spirit. I need to find my inner Cindy Lou Who and visit Whoville for a holiday.
[This message edited by Muggle at 2:14 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]