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When did you know it was really time?

confused2007 posted 12/25/2019 14:08 PM

I posted this in another forum but I think this is a good place too.

I KNOW I need to leave. I KNOW he is a liar, a cheater and has disrespected me to the utmost degree but yet I still want my family desperately.

For those who started proceedings-what helped you move forward? This man has wronged me in so many ways but my desire to have my family together has caused me to second guess a divorce when I know it should be my next option.

I don't know if this is the right group to post this in but I am struggling and need support...advice..whatever you have to offer.

Married 15 years, together 18. 2 daughters, ages 8 and 13. As you will note from my signature evidence of EA/PA allegedly no sex-kissing DDAY #1 0207 (met girl at bar, admits to talking on phone and texting-her story as well) and 2016 EA different woman (email messages mostly about our marriage but inappropriate contact if you have to sneak in my eyes). We had MC after 2007. I went back to same therapist 2016 individually. Didn't bring him because during that same year I own that I was messaging an old college boyfriend. Husband never found out and I cut it off thinking two wrongs don't make a right. I continued IC for work anxiety, etc. Marriage was on the rocks just due to ...we were struggling and I contemplated divorce without knowing there was an OW. My therapist talked me through what I wanted to do not based on the email discovery. This was 2018. I Decided to work on it but too late clearly.

Based on most recent DDays (Days because while same OW never fully got the truth until she outed him.) the other two probably included six.. My husband is a professional liar clearly.

DDAy #3 November 16, 2019 found Facebook Messenger message and camera pic. Allegedly no contact afterwords. Spoke to OW (I found her number and called her-she claimed only messages, they talk about me blah blah. she lives in a town an hour away but claimed no face to face etc. She is a liar clearly hence DDay #4

DDay #4 December 5, 2019 discovered messages on laptop which clearly indicated PA. Confronted him. He owned seeing her but nothing else.

He travels for work. Came back home on December 6. Silly me I still love him despite all of his wrong and knowing the other was PA I am ashamed to say I slept with him. Deciding together to R. Asking him for true honesty. Thinking NC occurred after November 16.

December 10-Something clicks in my head. He isnt really acting remorseful. No flowers, gifts, etc. Just asking me to stop crying. He went to MC but turns out he lied there too. I ask for a divorce. He hands and knees begs me not too. To please work on it with him. He agrees to go to IC. This was new. I want him to get it together for my girls. He has anger issues, he has never had a father as he is one of 13, doesn't excuse his actions by no means but he needs to address his issues. He also stopped believing in God two years ago. That was game changing for me too but for better or worse I hung in there.

December 17, OW calls me out of the blue. (this is one month later). She outs him to the utmost degree. He is home while happening. Long story short he slept with her the day before he slept with me (Dec. 5). HE was playing us both telling her he was gonna leave me. She spills the beans about December 5 and many other things I want to erase from my mind but cannot. Like her dropping him off AT OUR HOUSE and I was inside. He told me it was the uber. Like ordering her a present on MY birthday from amazon. WTF. SO many things i am in rage about just typing it. He also contacted her many times after the 16th. During Thanksgiving we traveled to our hometown. I was the opposite of 180 crying, sad, all of it. But yet he continued to talk to her.

Fast forward why beg me on December 10. My theory is that he couldnt or wouldn't choose and I am angry that I am a choice and not the choice. I am a Christian and I believe in forgiveness but this..this is another level. I feel like Plan B.

His mantra is if he wanted to leave he could have..this is true but the same is said for her. She spilled the beans only because he told her he slept with me. Nice huh? Like like a rug to me but not to OW of 6 months (I think longer but this is what I have evidence of).

Summary: My therapist made us agree to no decisions until after the holidays so that our girls don't hate Christmas forever. I am STRUGGLING because I know as I type this how this man does not love me. How he has abused my trust and continues to do so. While now I see remorse (and I have 180ed. Trust me after finding out he slept with us both within a day how could you not?!) gifts, transparency and apologies (which I should have seen November 16 but now do because in my opinion she told him she wasn't going to wait any longer for him to leave me) it is only because I am Plan B. His explanation is I was always the choice or he would have left me.

Wow. Lucky Me. :(.

Last thing he played the ultimate card Sunday and went to church after seeing he was an atheist. He is manipulative and I know this but yet here I still am. He is on the couch not in our bed. I tried to make him leave on two occasions both DDays and he won't.

I work and while not ideal I can support myself and my daughters. I have gone to see two divorce lawyers during this. But when I think of the fact that I will have to share custody of my girls it angers me so much. When I think of the fact that he will get half of my retirement in the state of Ohio it angers me again.

Then I remember all that he has done. I feel so lost..so sad and mad....I clearly need IC because why else would I still love someone that did all of those things to me before, during, and probably after.

And oh in case like me you wondered that why did he remain in contact with OW and sleep with her if it was always our family he selected-his story is that he knew she would spill the beans about the extent of their relationship if he didn't try to ease away from her. I don't buy it either. I almost wish he would have left or just leave me. Then I won't feel like I am in limbo.I hate myself for not being strong enough to do it and for saying I love someone who would treat me in this way. WOrking on that in IC..

Thank you for reading this. It helped me to get it out.

[This message edited by confused2007 at 2:26 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

hcsv posted 12/25/2019 14:49 PM

Together 40 years, married 15, three adult children.

He told me she was his friend and always would be. That was it. I wasnt going to be a third person in my own marriage. I told him he was going to have a friend and not a wife.

He shared most intimate family and personal business with her and now she was going to stay in our lives? NO. No F-ing way.

I believe he is waiting for her marriage to fall apart. I wasnt going to survive another DDay, I knew I couldnt.

We have been divorced 3 years in january.

phmh posted 12/25/2019 15:08 PM

When I realized that I likely could find happiness without him, and that by every day I stayed, I was delaying my own healing. You need to take care of your future self. What is best for the you of 2025? What kind of example do you want to set for your kids? What would you tell your kids if one of them were in the same position as you? So often kids emulate what they see from their parents. Show them an example of a strong person who knows her value and won't accept anything less. You've got this!!!

staystrong101 posted 12/25/2019 16:54 PM

In the first days after DDay, I was similar to you. I was terrified. I thought the best thing for my family was to keep it together at any cost. Then I realized the family I envisioned, and thought I had, didnít really exist. My kids already had a single mother. A mother who was there for them while their dad was out drinking with OW. A mother who was present with them while their dad was in the same room, looking at his phone. I realized the very best thing I could do for my family was to be strong (hence my name..) and be a good example to them. I left WH, got a 2nd job, downsized to a smaller house, and showed my kids that they are capable and worthy of dignity and respect. It would have been much easier to sweep it under the rug, and settle for a man who didnít value me or our family. But I knew it was time when I looked at my kids and thought about what I would want for them. That gave me the courage to walk away.

Phoenix1 posted 12/25/2019 17:04 PM

When the thought of all the negative things he brings into your life being gone outweigh the rose colored positives you think he contributes, you might be there. You will know, deep down, when it's time.

You feel like Plan B because you are. He is engaging in classic cake eating. He wants, and is getting, the best of both.

And ditto phmh about setting an example for the kids. Kids know more than we realize. Think about what you are teaching them in terms of what a good, healthy relationship should be. What would you tell them to do if they are ever in this situation? Better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

Many of us got screwed over financially in the D. No, it's not fair. But I can say that I am now much better off financially without him draining me like a parasite than I would have been had we remained married. Not gonna lie, it took a long time and a lot of hard work, but I recovered to a large extent. No longer living paycheck to paycheck because of him. My retirement is a whole other issue, but it is slowly improving too.

Not having his toxic ass in my life? Priceless!

confused2007 posted 12/25/2019 19:35 PM

Thank you for your replies! They all really help.

I should also share that prior to Dday #3 in November I wasn't happy in the marriage either. His short temper, going out like a teenager, drinking, were getting to me around our 13th wedding anniversary.

I had actually discussed with my therapist leaving him because I couldn't cope with the short temper,etc. I would go to therapy twice a month since 2017. Some days I worked on trying to remain in the marriage despite the temper, etc others I pondered divorced. I even told her we were at a point if I caught him cheating I would just be indifferent and file for divorce papers. However, about 4 months ago-August 2019) I told my therapist I wanted to work on staying and coping.

Then I find out about the OW November 2019 and I admit I felt..territorial and actually cared that he had an affair. This feeling really shocked me.....I thought I would just move on, be indifferent. Then to learn it was PA? I knew that would be a dealbreaker in my mind but here I am in what is false R since he is a cake eater.

Now the question is -do I mourn losing HIM or the marriage as I thought it was...I truly think I mourn the family I want it to be. I hope to return to this forum with news that I made the jump and filed the papers.

The1stWife posted 12/26/2019 14:30 PM

If keeping your family together is very important then you can stay married to him. Just stop expecting monogamy.

In your case it is either/or.

Once you change your expectations he cannot hurt you again. You will be disappointed no doubt. But you can stop expecting something that will not happen AND he can stop lying and pretending he is monogamous.

And then you can live with him in peace.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:32 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

3greatkids posted 12/26/2019 14:39 PM

After false reconciliation and then staying for a few years to secure financial benefits, I simply keep taking incremental steps that are leading to divorce. Heís over there lying and minimizing and gaslighting and being unremorseful, so I counter him with steps forward for me. IE as each holiday rolls around, Iíve divided up the decorations and given him his. I packed up the stuff he left around the house and given it to him box by box. Working on detangling the bills and cars next. Still dealing with the house repairs before it can be sold, so itíll still take a while longer. But dismantling a 25 year fake marriage takes time, and Iím taking steps forward, and eventually it will get finished.

Cheatee posted 12/27/2019 14:54 PM

Our reconciliation started off promising, but after a few months, she began to backslide into criticizing me openly and relentlessly, she stalked me on online forums to find out what I was saying about her. She told me she forgave herself for the affair. She freaked out and told our daughter she was going to kill herself and that DD was the reason. She encouraged DD to take her anger out on me.

All this was pushing me toward an inevitable conclusion, but the real light bulb moment was after a year, when she went into a withering diatribe, mocking my vulnerabilities and laughing at my pain.

Yes, that hurt, but I knew the rules of marriage borbade responding in kind - attacking her deepest vulnerabilities and insecurities (of which there were many and they were very raw), so I demurred.

But I saw in that moment that she was willing to go to that forbidden place, that place that forever changes even healthy marriages. In that moment I saw...

She was irredeemably untrustworthy.

I told it was over that afternoon

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