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Anger/Vent - Unvalidated abuse

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truthsetmefree posted 1/2/2020 10:37 AM

TSMF's petulant child wants to respond. She's in major tantrum mode right now - and honestly, I'm somewhat afraid of her when she's gets this way. She's hard to manage and has the capacity to do a lot of damage that I'm not sure I can rectify afterwards. But the more I try to contain her - especially of late - the more difficult she's becoming to maintain. So as an exercise of desperation (and frustration) - and because I have some anonymity in this format - I'm going to acquiesce. Pent - NONE of this is directed at you. She's talking entirely to me.

First off, I'm pissed that you tried to take this original post and turn it into some kind of "social good" at the end. Why do you always have to do that? Try to make some good out of the shittiest situations. Why can't you just admit that it's shitty...that there's nothing good in it. Why are you always trying to make fucking lemonade?? Sometimes nobody wants lemonade. You do this to everyone...and it pisses people off.

I know why you do it. It's because you want to appear good and wholesome...because you think if you do, people will love us...that we will have some value in their lives because we can make them feel better. Don't you see how invalidating that can be? Not to mention that it doesn't work. Tell me one person that loves you more because of that. You're so far off the mark that most people can't even hear you, can't comprehend what you are trying to say. It's just one more way you try to hide from the hurt. You're all upset because people don't recognize the abuse? Well, fuck us all then...because even YOU couldn't recognize the abuse. I was telling you the whole time how much this sucked, how badly we were being treated...and yet you just kept making the fucking lemonade. We would still be in that situation if you had managed to stop me that last night...if you had been able to shut me up. You keep me relegated to a fucking journal...giving me enough space to express to cajole me...but you never fucking DO anything about it.

And this fucking organized, have and do everything perfectly? It's a fucking farce. And it pisses me off to no end when you get recognized for it...like we're somehow doing well because it all looks good on the outside. None of this shit matters. Who even sees your house now?? And because you're so insistent on this facade, who even sees YOU? Who really even knows the REAL you??

While we are at it, why are we fucking hanging out with these "friends" of yours? These things are not fun to me...most of them I don't enjoy at all. It's shallow and superficial...we don't talk about or do anything meaningful...and it always feels worse afterwards. I want meaningful relationships in our lives. I want a life partner. But we're likely never going to have that because you can't even consider dating. You're scared shitless. And I can't even encourage you with that because your picker obviously fucking sucks. Look at your track record. You've pretty much covered it all - "Well he may beat me, but at least he doesn't cheat" (round one) and "Well he may cheat on me but at least he doesn't beat me." (round two). Yeah, swinging for the fences there, old girl. But hey, you kept a perfectly clean house and are an incredible cook. Not to mention, crawling around under a house to fix plumbing and running all manner of power tools to prove yourself worthy and valuable. For what?? I bet his new flame gets her nails done every week!

Volunteer work? Are you fucking kidding me?? I don't care what you think, the next person that suggests that to us, I'm going to punch in the face. I'm NOT fucking giving you that out. I'm simply not doing it. You don't get one more new avenue to feel good about yourself and to also look good while you're doing it. You've given everything about us away. You always have. You want to help the needy?? Why don't you start with us!!!

Oh, and this whole money/inheritance thing that you feel so guilty about? Are you fucking kidding me with this? We lived our whole lives giving and taking care of your mother. All that money you now got - well, it was all the money that we didn't get earlier...when we most needed it. Remember how you struggled with a dangerous, psycho ex and being a single mom with two small children? There wasn't a red cent then, was there? How in the hell do you feel guilty that you got it now...because your mother died?? You got it because she fucking *died*. It wasn't a fucking gift...it was by default.

And one other thing...if you think we are taking anti-depressants, you are literally out of your fucking mind. You think you're going to numb me out with that? After all of this, all I tried to warn you about, and we are finally here now....you think you are going to shut me up/down now? Not a chance. I don't know if you noticed but...when's the last time you wrote in a journal? All that shit is not working anymore. I am not going to release you until you actually listen to me...until you actually give me a seat at this table.

This is where we are going to be, sister...we are going to sit in this house, unshowered and in PJs, until you acknowledge everything I feel. I will make every day virtually impossible for you until you get this. So go ahead, smoke those cigarettes to console you, to have someplace to escape me...because I don't care if we get cancer. I don't fucking care if we die. (Btw, don't you find it ironic that you only started smoking in the last two years? Duh!) I'm not going away so you better find some way to start dealing with me.

Great...you gave me a voice...but it's of no value until you actually put it out there. Not just here in this anonymous forum - but I'll give you bonus points for reaching this far. No...you have to start living from this place. You're gonna have to be courageous enough to actually take the risk of letting go of everything you have held onto...and actually regard my feelings and thoughts as guides rather than just something to overcome. You have to actually accept me as being part of you.

And BTW, every time you say "fuck"...that's me.

LOL...there you go, reviewing and editing your post. SMDH

truthsetmefree posted 1/2/2020 10:45 AM

Oh, and one other thing... we need toilet paper. So quit being all butthurt about my truth and go get some fucking toilet paper. Today.

Pentup posted 1/2/2020 11:26 AM

I LOOOOOOOOOVE TSMF inner child! Listen to her girl because she is the best part of you!! Now go get some fucking toilet paper and whatever else that kid wants!

And I get it! Your child is me on my best days.

Pentup posted 1/2/2020 11:30 AM

And if I were to project my own circumstances in some sort of Pynchon Babel to what you are expressing...

We want to be Suzy Sunshine because that's what forgot us a pat on the head as a kid. Be a lady. Sugar and spice. Keep the peace. Even Jesus said be a peace MAKER not a peace KEEPER. And that is not semantics. Sometimes you got to declare war on what you know to make peace. You let that kid OUT, I don't think she is your inner child. I think she is your inner warrior!!

DevastatedDee posted 1/2/2020 13:31 PM

Ha ha ha, I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who bitches herself out in her head.

DevastatedDee posted 1/2/2020 13:43 PM

I wish I could lend you some of my rage. That rage catapulted me right out of my marriage and into a different life that I enjoy. Anger matters, but I swear it's the burning fire of rage that got me to up-end everything and say "fuck it". You need a bucket-full of "fuck it".

Some pieces of absolute gutter-trash shit polluted our lives. That can't be changed. Be appalled and feel the umbrage. And then say "fuck it". We have shit to do that doesn't involve their dumbasses. Toilet paper restocking counts.

demolishedinside posted 1/2/2020 18:31 PM

Well, this thread....fantastic. I wish I felt the rage. Iím stuck in fear and sadness. I AM on meds because I hated the person Iíd become. After nearly five years, I finally did it. I hate it but at least the spontaneous crying has stopped.

I wish I lived across the street from any of you. Weíd buy each other toilet paper and yell at each other to get going. Iíd help organize and whip things into shape and when I needed a smile or just someone to say they believed in me? Youíd do it. Iím tired of always being strong and I hate who I am.

DevastatedDee posted 1/3/2020 07:38 AM

Iím tired of always being strong and I hate who I am.

Girlfriend, if you are your best self right now, you win at this because I most certainly wasn't.

DevastatedDee posted 1/3/2020 07:39 AM

I AM on meds because I hated the person Iíd become.

I was on meds too. I sometimes wonder if that fool is still alive because I was medicated.

sisoon posted 1/3/2020 11:03 AM

tsmf, sister, sweetheart,

That's not a petulant child. That's not a tantrum. That's your core telling the truth that will set you free.

Nurture her, because she has your best interests at heart. Listen to her. Act to get what she wants.

That little girl is you.

I like her.

Yes, you'll have conflicts with other people - you like what you like, I like what I like, she likes what she likes, etc., etc., etc. But the vast majority of conflicts are pretty easy to resolve if the parties are authentic.

Note: I don't mean every conflict can be resolved easily, and I don;t mean every relationship can be mended. Sometimes conflict resolution means that one party just won't get what they want.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:04 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

josiep posted 1/10/2020 21:28 PM

I so relate to everything you and your petulant child think and say and feel.

Wanna go to South Africa and go the top of a hill somewhere and scream and scream and scream? (I chose South Africa because I'm madder than Hell that OhForaNewMe is gone and my cheating, lying rotten bastard is still walking this Earth but we can go somewhere else if you like.)

And I'm right there with you at the next person who tells me to do volunteer work.

And every once in awhile I think maybe I'll muster up some something but I'm not there yet at all. I had to get a cleaning lady in before my family came at Christmas and as I was walking her through the house to explain things, I was apologizing for the dust.

And to add to the helplessness of it all, my DS dumped his girlfriend in the cruelest way possible and has worked his thought process to make it not his fault. I'm so upset about it, I had to go see my counselor to talk about it.

I have company coming tomorrow and there are dirty dishes all over my kitchen, storage tubs in the living room cuz I just finished packing up the Christmas decos. Nothing is ready for her visit and here I sit, totally not wanting to do any of it. And then she'll get here and I'll be all embarrassed.

Oh, and my dining room table is covered a huge stack of mail that I haven't opened during the last 2-3 weeks. I hope there's nothing important in there...........

Oh, and I'm totally ticked off at my dentist and the oral surgeon she sent me to. Argh, I'd like to smack them both.

My car needs a new battery and an oil change. The driver's visor is broken and I supposed I'll have to pay the $320 to get it fixed but that ticks me off, too cuz it's a common issue in Nissans so instead of helping their customers, they raised the cost of the visor to a ridiculous amount.

I'd been sitting in my easy chair doing a whole lot of nothing for 3 hours before I got up to have something to eat. Started reading and so I'm still sitting.

Maybe I need shock treatments. Or maybe a long trip.

Please keep writing, Truth. In spite of my being a Sad Sack, I get a lot from your posts - understanding some of my feelings really helps.

josiep posted 1/11/2020 04:07 AM

Truth, Iíve been thinking about all this a lot.

My kids, especially my son, fit what you said about the generational thing. I totally relate to the loss of our past as our memories change now that we understand the things that happened werenít what we thought they were.

But I think where you and I and others ďdifferĒ from some is our profound sense of justice and our absolute agony when the world tilted. And I totally heard you about your motherís money, which is just a reminder that no one has ever truly had your back. Another world axis tilt of sorts.

I did an EMDR treatment but I just felt ridiculous because itís supposed to create new neural pathways away from the trauma. But my brain has never not had trauma-based neural pathways so it doesnít know how to create normal. I wish I had your way with words so I could explain it better because I do get everything you say and wish I could share that with you.

I wonder how many more are like us in the ways youíve described it..

hopefull77 posted 1/11/2020 05:55 AM

Thank you ALL for this thread...
You took the words right out of my head and so eloquently put it writing!
And that inner child? She is someone I'd want to play with!

crazyblindsided posted 1/11/2020 09:58 AM

But my brain has never not had trauma-based neural pathways so it doesnít know how to create normal.

You bring up a very interesting point. I have been traumatized since the age of 6 years old. I'm not even sure who the REAL me would have been without the childhood sexual abuse. Of course most victims are re-traumatized later in life and that is exactly what happened. Almost like a new trauma per decade. I haven't ever experienced a heathy relationship with a partner and my dad is a narcissist so there is that trauma too.

Is overcoming this even possible? I don't know I hope so. Definitely bringing this up in my next IC session.

3greatkids posted 1/11/2020 10:07 AM

This thread is everything.

Maudlin posted 1/11/2020 11:08 AM

While we are at it, why are we fucking hanging out with these "friends" of yours? These things are not fun to me...most of them I don't enjoy at all. It's shallow and superficial...we don't talk about or do anything meaningful...and it always feels worse afterwards. I want meaningful relationships in our lives. I want a life partner. But we're likely never going to have that because you can't even consider dating. You're scared shitless. And I can't even encourage you with that because your picker obviously fucking sucks. Look at your track record. You've pretty much covered it all - "Well he may beat me, but at least he doesn't cheat" (round one) and "Well he may cheat on me but at least he doesn't beat me." (round two). Yeah, swinging for the fences there, old girl. But hey, you kept a perfectly clean house and are an incredible cook. Not to mention, crawling around under a house to fix plumbing and running all manner of power tools to prove yourself worthy and valuable. For what?? I bet his new flame gets her nails done every week!


YES, this. I feel all this and basically everything in this thread. I am SO done being told to be nice for the children (they are adults, and when was he ever nice fucking hookers? When he has girls? And sex work is so damn exploitative?) But I fucking am. So I can share the car. So the girls lives are ok. So I can pay vet bills for my daughters dog.

And the assholes do not ever see the ways I swallow all this shit to keep an even keel for my loved ones. They want to buy the ďoh it was never rightĒ bullshit because thatís way easier than ďoh turns out he is actually a monster who will hurt his own kidsĒ because he is their friend. Because that yucky. Messy.

Iíve put a LOT of it out there, but he snared me too, because fun fact he loses the high paying job if the truth comes out all the way, so Iím keeping his damn secrets and a part of me thinks he likes that. He can hold it over me- self respect or money for the children? He know what Iíll pick.I picked it before when he cheated. I always pick them. And no one else has a fucking clue what he really is, partly because Iím complicit hiding it. Most of all, him. He really thinks he super loves his girls...and he is destroying them.

Im angry and once the girls get clear of him, scorched fucking earth. Itís all true, he did it. It is not my burden to carry.

kiwilee posted 1/11/2020 21:42 PM

(((Truthsetmefree))) It is so good to hear from you and so much of what you share resonates for a lot of people.

You are super wise so I am sure you know the intense anger stage is usually the cover up for extreme hurt. It is so difficult to process through hurt and grief. Go gently with yourself.

You have a fierce protective little girl who longs to be heard, validated, and loved inside of you. While she is spirited and fiesty and a part of you- she also sounds critical of you. I went through intense therapy after Dday 13 years ago that included EMDR and parts work. I learned about the different parts of myself. My 6 year old girl who I saw as a rag doll (she felt abandoned) would often times "hijack" me and take over. She was large and in charge and emotionally equivalent of a 6 year old. She drove my train for years until therapy helped integrate all my parts so one was not outcast. I had to mother her and love her so she felt safe. Trust me- i know this sounds wackadoo and makes you feel schizo, but it was essential of my healing. She still tries to run the ship sometimes but I recognize it and let her know "I've got this." I honor her as she is a part of me, but not all of me. For me when my emotions are extreme, I am usually being hijacked by one of my dominant parts. When all my parts are integrated and playing in the sandbox nicely together- peace and calm prevails. Trust me- I know it seems fruitcake, but it was a game changer for me! Are you in therapy?

I have a book about parts work that I can share with you if you are interested.

I wish you peace and healing on your journey. Keep sharing and being vulnerable because it is inspiring for me and many!

I relate to much of the feelings of infidelity being abusive. And I too chose/coped by keeping up the image of keeping the family/social life intact to somehow placate all in lieu of my needs/wants/desires. It is catching up to me as of lately. I feel like I sacrificed myself for the greater good of the family and I fear I will pay the price for that decision one day.

All my best to you!

kiwilee posted 1/11/2020 21:50 PM

You have to actually accept me as being part of you.

This is IT right here! Go back and read what you wrote. Your answer is right there. She is holding you hostage in your house, in your PJ's until the above happens. Are you prepared to get to work to fully integrate/accept this part of you? This may be your next step in your healing journey. It takes work and for me it took professional therapy to guide me through this process. Then I had to continue to do the work on my own. It is VERY liberating!

hcsv posted 1/11/2020 22:35 PM

Thank you for this post and everyone who participated.

Every post speaks to me, puts my thoughts and feelings into words I couldnt find.

gmc94 posted 1/12/2020 14:27 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
this thread has a lot to unpack.... looking forward to it flowing around my brain awhile.

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