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Obs wants revenge sex

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Motheroftwocats posted 1/8/2020 09:08 AM

I reached to the OBS after D-Day2. After a few phone calls he said he is not interested in anymore details. He is not leaving the OW. But he is in therapy for about a year now and he feels emasculated and stuck in his recovery. He supposedly agreed with his counselor that he should have sex with someone else to level the ground. But didn't do it until now. After we talked he said that he figured that doing that with me would benefit him the most. I can't help him or make him see this is not the way for him to heal. I tried but he is so focused on getting revenge on my WH is impossible for him to see that. I will cut contact with him /ghost him whatever. This whole cheating think is driving me crazy. I really felt sorry for him and wanted to help him but not in this way. I guess is just a vent.. I don't know what to say /think anymore.

sewardak posted 1/8/2020 09:13 AM

NC means NC with the other BS as well. Block him! And I can't believe his IC suggested that.

Notthevictem posted 1/8/2020 09:21 AM

It's not uncommon thing to fantasize about after betrayal but I do think you're doing the right thing by drawing the line. I can't think of a single thing that doing that would help.

Motheroftwocats posted 1/8/2020 09:23 AM

I never talked to him before. I contacted him after D-Day2, to inform him that have been in contact until recently. People on this forum advised me to do so. I don't believe either that his therapist would suggest that.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/8/2020 09:37 AM

Counselors don't go through any rigorous education. It's two years of high-school level sociology and psych and then they're licensed. It's a crap-shoot when looking for one that has any understanding of human behavior or even common sense. Many of them got into the field just to figure out their own issues and there are those that were even unsuccessful at that.

Revenge affairs do make some people feel better in the short term but it introduces other unintended issues into the relationship which tend to dissolve the marriage later on. A better way for the OBS to get relief is to divorce his cheating wife. That will allow him to physically take his life and freedom back. From that vantage point he takes back control of his future and regains his pride. If he then wants to remarry his betrayer, it becomes a choice that he controls and makes willingly. The new mental dynamic allows him to live his life happy and in charge again.

In any case, your response was appropriate. I wish the best for you and your healing. Take care of yourself.

Chaos posted 1/8/2020 09:40 AM

You informed OBS [good]. You compare stories, share details, etc. about the affair.

You are not OBS friend. You are not OBS fu*k buddy.

Other than information gathering [and when it is done it is done]- there should be no contact.

deephurt posted 1/8/2020 10:03 AM

I agree with the others and Iím glad that you wonít be in contact any further as well.

I find it hard to believe any therapist would recommend he even the playing field by screwing someone else. He is probably seeing if you will believe it and go for it but you never know. There are some terrible therapists out there as we have heard on this site.

Motheroftwocats posted 1/8/2020 10:22 AM

We had a total of 3 phone calls. I don't consider I prolonged the contact more than I had to. He blindsided me with this last time we spoke. I don't intend to be his f.. ck buddy or anything like this. It was just a vent. I know the right thing to do. I just didn't expect this.

sassylee posted 1/8/2020 10:36 AM

Good for you motherof2cats. Youíve got a plan in place and are healthy enough to see the OBS is acting out of pain. Sadly, this throws you back because it puts OW in your mind.

I think your plan to block him is a good one.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/8/2020 10:44 AM

There is also an outside chance that the OBS is losing his stuff, and he may next go after your WH to hurt him either physically, professionally or emotionally.

He may go the mad-hatter route for a RA elsewhere, or he may go scorched earth policy on his WW and your WH.

You should at least bring this up with your WH.

Lalagirl posted 1/8/2020 12:03 PM

We had a total of 3 phone calls. I don't consider I prolonged the contact more than I had to. He blindsided me with this last time we spoke. I don't intend to be his f.. ck buddy or anything like this. It was just a vent. I know the right thing to do. I just didn't expect this.

It's ok MOTC...you don't have to defend yourself; you did nothing wrong. I am very proud of you for reaching out to OBS; I know you were nervous about it. Don't second guess your decision because he's being stupid - he had the right to know.

Definitely block the OBS - if he's been in IC for a year before he found out about his WW, he may not be playing with a full deck and this put him over the edge. If he continues to harass you, please seek legal advice.

I find it hard to believe any therapist would recommend he even the playing field by screwing someone else. He is probably seeing if you will believe it and go for it

I agree...I think that was just a ploy - a "professional" recommended this...

Hugs,

Lala

pureheartkit posted 1/8/2020 12:06 PM

Obs needs more than that to heal. If this is what he think he needs, he's got much to work on. There is no magic fix all.

Eye for an eye never resolves hurt feelings. It adds more issues. He needs a real guide, the one he has can't help him past this. What makes him think you'd even be interested anyway?! How rude!

LLXC posted 1/8/2020 14:01 PM

Counselors don't go through any rigorous education. It's two years of high-school level sociology and psych and then they're licensed

Where did you get this info, or what type of counseling are you talking about? In ANY state to be a licensed counselor you need a MA in counseling, from a program that is state-approved. And then you need 3000 hours of supervision, plus an exam, for licensure. And to gain acceptance to a license-eligible program, you need a BA in psychology, or a lot of psych classes, like family psychology, developmental psychology, etc.

This is for mental health counseling - ACA membership. Pastoral counseling in my state fits the same criteria, but it involves additional classes.

If this counselor ACTUALLY recommended he sleep with someone else, I highly doubt s/he is licensed and it is highly unethical for him/her to do so.

LLXC posted 1/8/2020 14:03 PM

Also. I woyuld add that if he is that intent on leveling the playing field, are they reconciling? If he is that angry, why stay together?

seekers posted 1/8/2020 16:35 PM

Counselors don't go through any rigorous education. It's two years of high-school level sociology and psych and then they're licensed.

IC that are licensed need a masters or doctorate.

Robert22205https posted 1/8/2020 17:54 PM

With respect to his suggestion, No means 'no'.

End of story.

The1stWife posted 1/8/2020 20:47 PM

Heís a pig. And a jerk!!

Dragonfly123 posted 1/9/2020 00:51 AM

How dare he suggest that to you? Seriously, HOW DARE HE?

Iím angry for you. Youíre right to end contact with him and I agree, tell your WH what he suggested, as it could be relevant at some point.

Itís a bloody gift that keeps on giving this infidelity crap isnít it?!

What a creep!

Motheroftwocats posted 1/9/2020 01:54 AM

Thank you all!
I will inform my WH. After the shit sandwich I ate last year I am not even mad at the Obs for this. He is just broken. I am mad at my WH because he brought this on us.
I solved the problem and the Obs will never be able to contact me again.
LLXC, I suppose the Obs loves the OW. They have a child. He wants to consider this a mistake. From his line of questioning I think he feels that she was innocent and was seduced by my WH.I was like him one year ago, when I found out I would direct all my anger towards the OW rather than my husband. My brain couldn't bear the thought that he could do that to me. So I get where he is coming from. Obs also said that by having sex with me he would take something that "belongs" to my WH. So is something primal I suppose. Clearly his therapist is not helping. And their reconciliation is taking place under OW's terms, meaning they don't talk about the affair.
Again thank you all!

[This message edited by Motheroftwocats at 2:14 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/9/2020 13:43 PM

Direct OBS to SI for help....

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