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AP thinks I'm a danger to her

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littleAvocet posted 1/10/2020 09:05 AM

I am in a state just now, shaking from head to toe. AP broke NC today. Fwh was at work, at the side of a public road, and the AP drove passed, saw him and stopped. My fwh said his mind went completely blank when he realised who it was. She said that she'd heard I'd been looking things up about narcissism, and was I a threat to her? She said her brother thought she was in danger. Fwh said she was under no threat, and to leave us alone, before turning away and ignoring her until she drove off.
I am reeling. What the hell is she saying about me? WTF? I've stayed well away, completely ignoring her in the many times we've crossed paths. I don't understand why she can't just leave us alone. I am so freaked out just now, I've been having nightmares about her for days and then this.

Cooley2here posted 1/10/2020 09:11 AM

I think she is trying to build a case against you to take it to court. You absolutely cannot look her up online anymore, talk to anyone about her or have anything to do with her. Ghost her completely. Let your attorney know whatís going on and then just try your best to get on with your life. She wants your husband and it looks like sheís pretty ruthless about it

HellFire posted 1/10/2020 09:15 AM

How would she know what you look up online?

And why would your search of narcissism mean you were a danger to her?

I think she saw your husband, and came up with an excuse to break NC. She's trying to play the victim,and was hoping he would play KISA.


If you have mutual friends, who are telling her anything about you,drop them. They are obviously not your friends.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:15 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/10/2020 09:16 AM

Also, have youR husband talk to an attorney about sending her a cease and desist letter. It might be a preemptive strike to make sure she leaves you both alone. After all she was the one contacting him.

Chaos posted 1/10/2020 09:18 AM

Public record is just that - PUBLIC. And it amazes me that people post all kinds of stuff on social media and then get outraged that other's see it and know their business.

And you are allowed to research anything via legal methods [i.e., public library, google, etc.]

BUT get her out of your head in that respect. Block her on every avenue.

Makes me question if AP wasn't stalking fWH.

Inform your attorney and head his/her advice.

IMHO - I'd also document that exchange [and have fWH do so as well]. Luck favors the prepared and memories fade so writing this down [dates, times, what was said, etc.] will only serve to help should it ever be needed.

TooManyCliches posted 1/10/2020 09:19 AM

I think she saw your husband, and came up with an excuse to break NC. She's trying to play the victim,and was hoping he would play KISA.

This. I've watched my WH's AP come up with excuses to contact him multiple times. Each time, she's tried something different in the hopes it would get his attention. And I doubt we've seen the last. If she thought saying she was scared of me would inspire him to come save her, I'm sure she'd give it a shot.

It sounds like your husband handled it the right way, and you just need to ignore her and move on, unless she does it again. I would make sure it's clearly documented somewhere, though.

littleAvocet posted 1/10/2020 09:25 AM

This is the creepy thing. Iíve had her unfollowed and blocked on all social media since dday. I havenít had any contact at all since April 2018. I donít talk to anyone about her. All mutual friends were cut out last year. There IS NO CASE because Iíve simply gone about my life trying to forget her. The only things can think of is posting here, a chat I had with her husbands friend about the fact that she is a narcissist in early 2019, or that sheís stalking me online. I have all of my accounts locked to private.
I should also add that during the A she made up lies about me being mentally damaged and a liar. All of it was nonsense. I guess I shouldnít be surprised that she hasnít changed her tune. Maybe the accusation of narcissism really rattled her cage. Any normal person wouldnít turn that into a perceived threat to their safety.

[This message edited by littleAvocet at 9:29 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

deephurt posted 1/10/2020 09:25 AM

I think it sounds like she or someone she knows is reading here and knows or thinks they know who you are. Regardless, protect yourself as it does sound like she could be starting to mount a case against you for something. Be vigilant and I agree document everything.

Lalagirl posted 1/10/2020 09:40 AM

How would she know what you look up online?

And why would your search of narcissism mean you were a danger to her?

I think she saw your husband, and came up with an excuse to break NC. She's trying to play the victim,and was hoping he would play KISA.

^^^THIS.

She has nothing with which to build a case against you, sweetie. NOTHING. If she were to take you to court, a judge would likely admonish her for bringing about a frivolous lawsuit.

If she's reading here, she's pretty pathetic and it's actually laughable that she's that desperate.

I also agree with the poster who suggested getting a cease and desist letter sent to her from your FWH.

Hugs!

Lala

Evermore posted 1/10/2020 09:44 AM

Can you have an attorney draft a no contact letter to get a paper trail in place?

hikingout posted 1/10/2020 09:48 AM

It's highly doubtful that she really believes that. I agree with the above poster, she wants to play victim because she knows your husband likes playing KISA. She has no real reason to believe that you are a danger to her, and if she was really afraid then she would have been too afraid to approach your husband. I mean think about it, if you were a danger to her, why would she provoke you by breaking NC?

I also think it makes her feel better about justifying sleeping with your husband. It paints a picture that she wants to see.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:49 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

littleAvocet posted 1/10/2020 09:51 AM

Thank you Lala, Iím too frazzled to think straight.
Iím concerned that any kind of letter, including one from a lawyer, gives her what sheís after-attention. Unless there are any further violations Iím not sure itís a good idea. Weíve documented everything very carefully so far and itís been quiet for months.
Itís ridiculous that Iím a threat. The most threatening thing I do is trim my houseplants.

Lalagirl posted 1/10/2020 10:10 AM

Iím concerned that any kind of letter, including one from a lawyer, gives her what sheís after-attention. Unless there are any further violations Iím not sure itís a good idea.

You're right - you don't want her to think that this latest incident is giving you headspace.

The most threatening thing I do is trim my houseplants.
You brutal woman!

I really think she did this to get under your skin. She knew that your FWH would tell you what she said.

FTG.

thatbpguy posted 1/10/2020 10:10 AM

She broke NC. Go on the offensive and have a retraining order placed on her for harassment.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/10/2020 10:30 AM

AP's are the danger to us. They invade our lives and privacy, damage our mental health, and threaten us with disease.

hansvoleman posted 1/10/2020 11:15 AM

Hi lA

I wouldn't waste your money on a solicitors letter. Continue to document any contact between you and her, and take dated screenshots if you can, of any account settings changes you've made.

Remember the only contact you or your husband have had is HER approaching your husband when he was at work (and presumably cannot just move away - quite calculated and intimidating isn't it?). She wants attention; she asked a question that elicits a response that shows her how your husband is thinking about her now. I read "Aren't you concerned for me?" and "I still trust you to look after my interests" in what she asked.

If the OW wants to make a criminal matter out of it, she has to provide a lot of proof of your activities to get your local constabulary interested. She has nothing at all. Look up "CPS stalking harassment" to find the legal tests the Crown Prosecution Service uses. On stalking for example, the list of behaviours is:

(a) following a person,
(b) contacting, or attempting to contact, a person by any means,
(c) publishing any statement or other material relating or purporting to relate to a person, or purporting to originate from a person,
(d) monitoring the use by a person of the internet, email or any other form of electronic communication,
(e) loitering in any place (whether public or private),
(f) interfering with any property in the possession of a person,
(g) watching or spying on a person.

Searching online or discussing another person aren't crimes in any sense. If they were most of this country would be in trouble and "I am a celebrity" would be illegal

If you still want reassurance, go speak to your local community police team. Most officers are very approachable. When my wife took her boss to a tribunal for unfair dismissal, he went to the police to claim she had embezzled £50K (among a huge raft of other crap). The first we knew of it was our community police officer turning up on the doorstep to follow up. He had interviewed the boss guy at length, formed an opinion and now wanted to see us. Over a cup of tea, we showed him our notes and explained. The copper then let us know that he and his colleagues thought the boss guy was insane - he had no evidence at all - but they had to follow it through. Teh best thing was that from then whenever this guy tried to cause a fuss, the police shut him down.

Should she contact you though solicitors as a civil matter, just send reply by letter to acknowledge receipt - I use "Thank you for your letter of XXXX the contents of which are duly noted." - which forces her to go to the next step of outlining why she thinks she has a case. When you get that, you and your husband can review it, gather the information and then go to your solicitor prepped. It makes the solicitors job easier (and cheaper) if you lay out the problem as is not as it might be.

Please don't worry about what OW is trying to do. The worst she can is what she is doing now; taking your head space and getting on your nerves.

Lalagirl posted 1/10/2020 12:16 PM

AP's are the danger to us. They invade our lives and privacy, damage our mental health, and threaten us with disease.

Very profound!

The1stWife posted 1/10/2020 12:18 PM

If it were me I would have loved it if my H had said yes to her question ďdo I need to be afraid?Ē and then walked away.

Smjsome1 posted 1/10/2020 12:30 PM

Fishing for attention.

My WHís AP did this for 7 months. Iím glad he told you - thatís a good sign

Tigersrule77 posted 1/10/2020 14:52 PM

"she made up lies about me being mentally damaged and a liar. All of it was nonsense. "

STOP. You know she is a liar. Stop trying to understand her.

"I guess I shouldnít be surprised that she hasnít changed her tune. Maybe the accusation of narcissism really rattled her cage. Any normal person wouldnít turn that into a perceived threat to their safety."

Again, STOP. Why the hell would you believe anything she says? She is a liar. As others said, she very likely made up the story about narcissism, except that she probably is, and knows it.

Please don't waste your time on the fAP any more. Sounds to me like your fWH did the right thing by telling you so that you DON'T have to spend time on this.

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