Peach - Has your WH read how to help your spouse heal? That's like step #1 in my book.
He can do whatever the eff he wants to.
The question is - what are you willing to put up with?
Dday is TRAUMATIC. The WS job #1 is to help and support the BS through that trauma (and all it involves) and trying to heal (or at least a WS who would like to R). Bitching about a text does NOT fall into the helping her heal category. It falls into the "you're not the boss of me" category - something I would bet contributed to his rationalizing having an A. Part of #1 is to STOP LYING (which is clearly still his "go to" when he's busted - ie "the text wasn't delivered" then becomes "I didn't see it"
His lying (silly or little as it may be) is a TRIGGER for someone coping with betrayal trauma. He needs to understand that to your lizard brain (which can basically take over EVERYTHING in a BS' mind, for weeks/ months/ years) sees a "white" lie exactly the same as a biggie (like, no I wasn't f*cking your friend). You did nothing to cause your lizard brain to start to drive your brain - HE did that all on his own.
And their #2 job is to find some damn empathy for the destruction they have caused. His behavior is NOT empathetic to a trigger that is only a trigger because of his shenanigans.
I saw one of your earlier posts from less than 2 weeks ago where you said: "I think his desire to separate is actually based on his primal urge to run away" . From what you've written, sounds like he wants to run from the hurt he's caused faster than a jackrabbit... but somehow manages to muster some courage when it comes to admitting he didn't read a text? That's some pretty effed up (ie wayward) thinking.
If you two manage to R, he can have the rest of his life to stop being conflict avoidant. In the meantime, if he has any hope of R, he needs to pull his head out of his arse and find some compassion and empathy for you. This is why therapists who work from the relational betrayal model BEGIN with teaching the WS about the trauma that has been caused by their A, by validating the pain experienced by the BS, and helping the WS see and own the consequences to the BS (whom they profess to "love" ) by their shitty choices.
I think you are in MC and your WH is in IC. This kind of response sounds like a WS whose IC is clueless about infidelity and relational betrayal trauma. I would seriously ASK the MC and his IC what their specific experience and training is in infidelity AND trauma (I learned the hard way that one with infidelity experience but not trauma not only did not help, in many ways it's made things worse. Now that I have an IC who specializes in trauma [and not infidelity], it's been kind of a game changer for me). I would bet that his IC is saying that his conflict avoidance is a factor in the A. And that may be true. The problem is the antidote for that is NOT to create conflict with YOU (at least not at this juncture and especially not over bullshit like whether he read a text). The reason why this isn't the antidote right now is bc it takes awhile for a WS to start to change their thinking. So, when they are told to stand up for themselves, without any real deep work, a WS will think like a WS: Because he's likely scared sh*tless about facing himself and the harm he's caused, so instead he will "face" stupid shit like a text (and with the attitude of a 5yo who took the last cookie and doesn't want to "face" the consequences).
It's completely unjust and unfair, but you will have to put in a considerable amount of energy to your own healing. He cannot do it for you. But he can be supportive - and really NEEDS to do so if he has any desire to R. It's like physical therapy after you break your leg: only you can do the exercises, but he can drive you to the appointments, bring you water and an ice pack, count the leg lifts, count out the advil, etc. That's supportive. Or, he can tell you that the cast stinks and he needs to stay in the other room while you move around - even though he is the one that drove drunk that caused your leg to break. That's wayward.
It took me awhile (maybe around the 6 month mark? But I was in a weird working in another city on a highly stressful project, so I've always considered myself a bit delayed) to recognize and accept (which was a biggie for my badass/wonderwoman self) that it really was trauma (or in my case, PTSD) and it really was serious. And I decided to start educating myself about trauma - generally and in conjunction with an A. There is a ton of really good stuff out there to learn, and with it comes something even better: hope for ourselves and our futures (with or w/o our WS).
There is a thread in General titled something like Finally a therapist who gets it. That thread has some links to podcasts (a 2-part with marnie breecker on The Addicted Mind, and a couple from a podcast called Helping Couples Heal). I will bump it for you (it gets bumped a lot, but General moves quick, so even bumps can end up off the page pretty quickly). Listen to those podcasts and learn about trauma and how a WS can be SUPPORTIVE of your healing, and educate yourself about what a truly experienced/ trained IC/MC looks like. This does not mean that you - even as the BS - get away with whatever you want (you are still responsible for you) - my IC can kick my ass (but good), while ALSO being sensitive to my trauma. It means that the trauma from a dday needs to be UNDERSTOOD by your WH, so that he can learn how to be supportive and empathetic.
Godspeed.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:26 AM, January 13th, 2020 (Monday)]