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Ignore or respond?

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ManishsDad posted 1/13/2020 08:17 AM

The pediatric rehab center where my son receives therapy does an annual fundraiser online. This year in an attempt to increase the donations they hosted an internal ďcompetitionĒ between departments, breaking them into ďteamsĒ (speech therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc) to see who would be the winner. The kids got to help pick names for the teams (and it shows...the speech therapy team is the ďFlaming TonguesĒ for example) and have the option of soliciting donations if they would like (with small prizes as the incentive).

My brother in law (my wifeís brother) forwarded the link on his personal and his side business (consulting) social media pages because my son wanted to help get more donations. He posted it over a week ago.

Last night he texted me to let me know that the asshole who slept with my wife commented on the fundraiser (on the post from the business social media account). The comment was a red heart emoji.

This morning I noticed that he also made a substantial donation online, noting that he was giving on behalf of his ďgodsonĒ (meaning my son, as this person was previously his godparent).

Iím pissed and want to contact him to tell him to fuck off. He isnít my sonís godfather any longer nor is he welcome to communicate with any of us.

I really feel like heís either fishing or heís trying to push my buttons or both and Iím tempted to show him exactly how I feel about that.

In my opinion this was a deliberate attempt to call attention to himself using the fundraiser as an excuse. Why else would he have commented on social media (on the business page because heís blocked on everyoneís personal ones)? Itís like heís stalking us. Maybe he hoped my wife would be touched that he donated because he made a point of giving a large amount (most of the donations to date have been around $50, $100, etc while he donated $5000).

Last night when all we knew about was the emoji I told my brother in law we would just ignore it. That he just wants attention. But when I saw the donation this morning my blood boiled.

Fucker. Nobody needs his guilt money. Plus if his intentions were purely innocent and this is just about him really wanting to support the fundraiser (that he shouldnít have known about anyway if he hadnít been lurking on my brother in lawís business page) he could have given the money as an anonymous donor. But nope. He chose to state his full name and even had the audacity to label himself as my sonís godfather when he is nothing to him any longer.

Part of me wants to leave work right now and go fuck him up. Let him understand that when I say leave my family alone it means leave my family alone. Maybe I didnít kick his ass good enough and he needs a refresher. (I donít want any more legal trouble over him though, but it almost seems worth it.)

Another part of me thinks that maybe it would really fuck with his head even more if I donít react at all. Just ignore him and his pathetic childish attempts to get attention and try not to let him get under my skin.

I need advice from someone with a cooler head than I am capable of having right now. Should I just leave it alone? Should I contact him by phone and give him one last warning to stay away? Should I given in to the urge to pummel my fist into his face?

I havenít told my wife about the donation and I donít intend to yet. Iím still trying to figure out what to do.

It kills me that he can still fuck with my emotions like this after all this time. This is some bullshit.

annb posted 1/13/2020 08:28 AM

I think you need to ignore him.

So he's a huge db, however the $5000 will be beneficial to the cause.

I can understand your anger, and whether he donated as a possible segway back into your lives or did it out of compassion, it's a substantial amount that the rehab center will put to good use.

Crickets, crickets, crickets.

CometGirl posted 1/13/2020 08:33 AM

Crickets will upset him the most. Walk the high road and ignore.

ManishsDad posted 1/13/2020 08:34 AM

Youíre probably right. It just feels like such a violation for him to dare to reveal himself. I feel like shoving all 5000 of those bills right up his ass.

I keep refreshing the (fundraiser) page and reading his message and his name, which Iím sure is not helping. Itís just making me madder. I probably need to get offline and try to do something productive to help get my mind off of this. This has occupied my focus and I have hardly accomplished anything this morning at work so far. I canít concentrate and Iíve done close to nothing.

thatbpguy posted 1/13/2020 08:35 AM

I like the idea of a refresher course for him. Without witness.

That said, probably best to ignore.

Inshreds posted 1/13/2020 08:36 AM

Ignore him. It will likely drive him crazy. Let the donation help the cause. Just know he is out the 5000 and let him think he is not causing you grief.

Chaos posted 1/13/2020 08:37 AM

Walk away from the refresh button.

Crickets is the best response.

Know he's a flaming desperate horse's patoot and that his money will help many people. Pathetic attempt on his part to either goad you, buy his way to absolution or a bit of both.

Take the high road. Harder walk - spectacular view.

Buzzy posted 1/13/2020 08:43 AM

Have you ever thought of confronting him, i confronted my ww AP and the sight of him grovelling to me in front of his wife warms my heart. It was only his wlfes intervention that stopped me from giving him a good kicking

landclark posted 1/13/2020 08:44 AM

I would have the BIL block him from his business page, and then ignore him. Iím sure that will provide the proper level of annoyance. He sounds like a douche.

northeasternarea posted 1/13/2020 08:48 AM

Ignore. would you have known about this donation if your BIL hadn't brought it to your attention?

fatheroftwo posted 1/13/2020 08:48 AM

I am speaking from experience:

What he and your wife did is on them.

If you act in revenge, the spotlight is then on you.

You didn't deserve this. "Revenge" will only make it worse. The spotlight will then be on you. You will be "tainted" in the eyes of others and yourself.

You know what he is after. He wants attention, and quite pathetically, he is going after it in ridiculous form. The spotlight is on him, as it should be. Leave it there.

I know how hard it is, but the best thing you can do is to make him less than insignificant in your mind. $5,000 is going to a good cause, and the POS is out of $5,000 that ultimately changes NOTHING that the AP was hoping it would. That almost sounds like a win-win.

Snapdragon posted 1/13/2020 08:52 AM


However, I would do one thing. I would contact the fundraising captain at the rehab center and explain the situation so that they don't make some big fuss to your son (publicly or privately) about how generous his "godfather" has been. Tell them whatever you want about the situation but be clear that this donor is, in fact, no longer your son's godfather and has been asked to stay away from your family. They don't need any more details than that.

pink carnation posted 1/13/2020 08:57 AM

I second this-

"Know he's a flaming desperate horse's patoot"...


fareast posted 1/13/2020 09:01 AM

I agree with landclark. Ignore. Donít give him the attention he craves. Have your BIL block him from his business page.

numb&dumb posted 1/13/2020 09:02 AM

Why not tell your W ? The reason you are in the spot you are in is because she had an A, right ?

This is not yours to own. Give it to her and let find a way to help you with this. She needs to bear the angst that comes with this guy stalking you. That is on her her, not you.

He is playing a game. The only way you win that game is by not playing. Your W needs to step up and own bringing this into your life. She needs to earn that grace again before this goes away.

Beating this up will feel good for a few minutes, but will crash into not so pleasant feelings about yourself.

Those feelings are directly in the middle of you and your wife. Give her the chance to make amends and atone for her past hurtful choices.

You are owning part of this to regain some control. It is the illusion of control. Giving him crickets will bother him a lot more than anything, especially if he keeps stalking you. Weirdos need an audience. They get off on the attention and dysfunction. Don't give him that.

Further this is about you and your W. Let her deal with it. If she doesn't then maybe she isn't as remorseful as she has acted to date.

Your W needs to clean this mess up. If she can't or she refused you are 100% within your rights to walk away and be free from all the "crazy."

Cooley2here posted 1/13/2020 09:03 AM

This tells you everything you need to know about him. Step back a minute and look at this as if he is about 5 years old. The kid jumping up and down yelling ME ME ME. Now you understand why we tell you to let it go. He KNOWS he is not your sonís godfather. This was done to get a response from you and to show off. Leave him at the playground where he is waiting on your response.

hikingout posted 1/13/2020 09:05 AM

Another part of me thinks that maybe it would really fuck with his head even more if I donít react at all. Just ignore him and his pathetic childish attempts to get attention and try not to let him get under my skin.

When he finds his $5000 really bought him nothing, that he is irrelevant it will give him the opposite of what he is seeking. He paid that $5000 to stir the pot, make sure he doesn't get anything for that money but that your cause benefits from all of it. I wouldn't even have anyone block him - because it acknowledges him. Complete indifference.

ManishsDad posted 1/13/2020 09:29 AM

Thanks everyone for your recommendations. The urge to physically hurt him again is strong but I will suppress it. He isnít worth our time and attention and I think it will hurt him worse to be ignored as it will underscore how insignificant he is.

I hadnít even thought about the fundraising team mentioning the donation to my son - thank you to the person who brought that up, and because of you I have already made that phone call. For all I know they could have been planning to post an update and a public acknowledgement to show their gratitude (last year they did something like that on social media as a way to publicly thank a benefactor who offered to match all donations given by a certain date. They made a post even though they didnít say who the donor was or what child they were affiliated with because that benefactor had opted to remain anonymous, so it could have been very likely they might have considered doing something like that in this instance!)

I probably wouldnít have known about the donation if I hadnít been informed about the emoji. Because that prompted me to look. But Iím glad my brother in law told me what he saw. I would rather know than now know.

Buzzy, I lost my cool in the past and got in a fight with the AP one day after drinking heavily. Heís a pretentious pretty boy who lifts weights for the aesthetics but has no real strength. Heís bigger than me, but I won that fight easily. But I paid for it and donít want to make that mistake again even though I canít the time it felt damn good to see him in pain and watch the blood splatter. It would probably feel just as good today, but I have to demonstrate self control. My wife and my kids need me and I donít want to jeopardize my freedom for that POS. Heís not worth jail time.

If I asked her to my wife would willingly tell the AP to get lost. She is 100% remorseful. But I prefer not to put that on her. The A is her fault, but the AP is the one making the choice to cross boundaries and involve himself in my family when it has been made clear to him that none of us want to have anything to do with him and he is to stay away. She didnít provoke him to do this; it was his choice.

How juvenile and ridiculous is it for a grown man to be leaving heart emojis like a lovesick child?

I have resisted the urge to refresh the fundraising page for about five minutes. Which is the longest I have gone for one stretch at a time. I really need to get off the internet for a while and maybe pray and listen to some music for a while. Thanks again for talking me down. This is not how I wanted to start my week, dealing with this bullshit.

The1stWife posted 1/13/2020 12:31 PM

His guilt is allowing him to think itís all Ok if he donates. Like that will make amends.

Take his $ for the cause. Donít acknowledge anything from him.

Move on. You know what they say - the best revenge is a life well lived.

Butforthegrace posted 1/13/2020 14:54 PM

Hello Mannishdad, I think you should ignore the AP for now, but monitor. If he starts popping off on social media with other references to "my Godson", then consider a firmly worded written warning telling him that he has no relationship to your family, including no Godfather/Godson relationship, and that you continue his repeated statements to that effect to be harassment intended to intimidate you and you will seek legal recourse if he continues.

I DO think you SHOULD bring this up with your WW, something along the lines of "I want to thank you again for inviting this man into our family in the way you did. As you can see, because of you, I now have to endure this asshole referring to our son as his "Godson" in social media."

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